Working with Bitches Working with Bitches Identify the Eight Types of Office Mean Girls and Rise Above Workplace Nastiness Meredith Fuller Copyright © 2013 by Meredith Fuller First published as Working with Mean Girls by Penguin Group (Australia), 2011 All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the prior written permission of the publisher. Printed in the United States of America. For information, address Da Capo Press, 44 Farnsworth Street, 3rd Floor, Boston, Massachusetts 02210. Composition by Cynthia Young Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Fuller, Meredith. [Working with mean girls] Working with bitches : identify the eight types of office mean girls and rise above workplace nastiness / Meredith Fuller. — First Da Capo Press edition. pages cm “First published as Working with Mean Girls by Penguin Group (Australia), 2011.” Includes bibliographical references. ISBN 978-0-7382-1659-1 (e-book) 1. Problem employees. 2. Women employees—Psychology. 3. Bullying in the workplace. 4. Abusive women. 5. Interpersonal conflict. I. Title. HF5549.5.E42F85 2013 650.1'3082—dc23 2012041914 First Da Capo Press edition 2013 Published by Da Capo Press A Member of the Perseus Books Group www.dacapopress.com Da Capo Press books are available at special discounts for bulk purchases in the U.S. by corporations, institutions, and other organizations. For more information, please contact the Special Markets Department at the Perseus Books Group, 2300 Chestnut Street, Suite 200, Philadelphia, PA, 19103, or call (800) 810–4145, ext. 5000, or e-mail [email protected]. 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 Note: The information in this book is true and complete to the best of our knowledge. This book is intended only as an informative guide for those wishing to know more about health issues. In no way is this book intended to replace, countermand, or conflict with the advice given to you by your own physician. The ultimate decision concerning care should be made between you and your doctor. We strongly recommend you follow his or her advice. Information in this book is general and is offered with no guarantees on the part of the authors or Da Capo Press. The authors and publisher disclaim all liability in connection with the use of this book. The names and identifying details of people associated with events described in this book have been changed. Any similarity to actual persons is coincidental. To Sandra Hacker, with respect and gratitude CONTENTS Prologue Introduction: The B Words: Bitch and Bully Part One: Mean Girls—They’re Not All the Same How to Identify the Mean Girl You Work With 1 The Excluder 2 The Insecure 3 The Toxic 4 The Narcissist 5 The Screamer 6 The Liar 7 The Incompetent 8 The Not-a-Bitch Part Two: Understanding How Women Work Behind the Scenes 9 Mother, Companion, Amazon, or Psychic? 10 Heart Versus Head 11 Women at Work Part Three: How Can You Help Yourself? Take Stock of Yourself 12 Managing Workplace Stress 13 Should I Stay or Should I Go? 14 Frequently Asked Questions Where to Get Help Bibliography Acknowledgments About the Author PROLOGUE We’re quiet because it is awful to admit and you don’t want anyone to know. Your husband knows; you’re crying over the stove. Your teenagers wonder if their high-achieving mother is actually just pathetic. You doubt yourself. You don’t want patronizing advice about how to manipulate a manipulator—I wouldn’t play the bitch game, even if I was capable of it. —Kaylene Bitchy behavior can be so insidious or slippery that it’s often hard to tell if you’re really being targeted or if you are simply too sensitive. You feel an uncomfortable mix of confused, amused, devastated, and angry. You don’t want to believe that someone in the sisterhood could possibly be working against you, whether consciously or unconsciously. You think you should be able to handle it, especially when you pride yourself on bringing out the best in others, or you assume that it’s merely a personality clash or miscommunication that you’ll be able to fix. But if you can’t fix it, the negative effect gets harder to cope with. You remain haunted by a cruel secret that you’re too humiliated to mention— another woman is causing you grief, and you haven’t done a thing to deserve it. You appreciate that you won’t get on with every other woman at work—but how come some bitches can deeply wound while you are immune to the shenanigans of others? How come you can laugh off the antics of some, but those of others are not so benign? You might have seen Mean Girls (2004) and laughed and cried in subconscious recognition. Most of us can recall a mean girl from school days— perhaps you were upset by malicious things girls said or did, or maybe you