Will You Still Need Me? This page intentionally left blank Will You Still Need Me? Feeling Wanted, Loved, and Meaningful as We Age Angela Browne-Miller Foreword by Evacheska deAngelis Copyright 2010 by Angela Browne-Miller All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopy- ing, recording, or otherwise, except for the inclusion of brief quotations in a review, without prior permission in writing from the publisher. Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Browne-Miller, Angela, 1952– Will you still need me? : feeling wanted, loved, and meaningful as we age / Angela Browne-Miller. p. cm. Includes bibliographical references and index. ISBN 978-0-313-35390-1 (alk. paper) — ISBN 978-0-313-35391-8 (ebook) 1. Aging—Psychological aspects 2. Older people—Psychology. I. Title. BF724.55.A35B76 2010 155.6—dc22 2009051235 ISBN: 978-0-313-35390-1 EISBN: 978-0-313-35391-8 14 13 12 11 10 1 2 3 4 5 This book is also available on the World Wide Web as an eBook. Visit www.abc-clio.com for details. Praeger An Imprint of ABC-CLIO, LLC ABC-CLIO, LLC 130 Cremona Drive, P.O. Box 1911 Santa Barbara, California 93116-1911 This book is printed on acid-free paper Manufactured in the United States of America To Lee and Louisa, and E. Lee The Great Unfolding By what truth do we see truth. By what eye do we see time passing. By what thread is woven all we know and all we do not know we know. We are the never ending stream of all things transforming through life and time to be in their own life and time. —Angela Browne-Miller Contents Foreword by Evacheska deAngelis xi Preface xiii Acknowledgments xv Note: The Stories Herein Are Our Stories xvii Stories List xix Introduction 1 Story #1: Dan W., Age 59 6 I TOUCHING THE TENDER ISSUE OF AGING Story #2: Nona M., Age 27 10 Story #3: Millicent D., Age 30 12 Story #4: Andrea M., Age 34 14 Story #5: Burton G., Age 29 16 Story #6: Steven L., Age 32 18 Story #7: Sharon J., Age 39 20 Commentary 22 1. Growing Up and Up and Up 24 2. When Is Getting Older Aging? 26 3. The Desire Not to See Aging 28 viii Contents 4. What Aging Is (Or Is It?) 30 5. Companionship and the Prospect of Aging 33 II BEING ALONE BEFORE BEING OLDER Story #8: Esmirelda Y., Age 38 38 Story #9: Patricia V., Age 45 40 Story #10: Devin P., Age 39 42 Story #11: Greg T., Age 44 44 Story #12: Barbara H., Age 38 46 Story #13: Emily W., Age 47 48 Story #14: Jeff B., Age 45 50 Commentary 52 6. Midlife Looks at Aging 54 7. Divorce and Being Alone 57 8. Welcome to the Delicious Sandwich Generation Years 59 9. Worklife, Career Loss, and Not Feeling Needed 61 10. Empty Nests 66 III SOCIAL PATTERNS, RELATIONSHIPS, AND AGING Story #15: Peter S., Age 49 72 Story #16: Katy B., Age 45 74 Story #17: George L., Age 51 76 Story #18: Mark R., Age 56 78 Story #19: Sally S., Age 52 80 Story #20: Sandra M., Age 55 82 Story #21: Geraldo H., Age 54 84 Commentary 86 11. The Aging Self within Surrounding Networks 88 12. Families, Patterns, Networks, and Aging 91 13. Intimate Partner Relationship Patterning and Aging 94 14. Patterns of Behavior that Continue 98 15. Hollowing to Patterns 101 IV AGING ON AGING Story #22: Marcia G., Age 64 108 Story #23: Linda B., Age 62 110 Story #24: Tom M., Age 56 112 Contents ix Story #25: Anton Y., Age 58 114 Story #26: Ben D., Age 66 116 Story #27: Jane Z., Age 60 118 Story #28: Cristie S., Age 60 120 Commentary 122 16. Mind-Brain Living through Aging 124 17. Social Isolation in Aging 127 18. Loneliness and Aging 130 19. Living Environments, Health, and Well-Being in Aging 133 20. Older Persons’ Thoughts on Social Contact 135 V THE MIND, LEARNING, AND MENTAL FUNCTIONING IN AGING Story #29: Arle H., Age 65 138 Story #30: Arisha T., Age 65 140 Story #31: Sten O., Age 68 141 Story #32: Carla B., Age 67 142 Story #33: Giselda A., Age 73 144 Story #34: Rene M., Age 78 145 Story #35: Walt M., Age 68 146 Commentary 148 21. The Brain Does Age 149 22. Inner Thinkings and Age 153 23. Problem-Solving Strategies and Aging 156 24. Rethinking through Things and Mental Aging 158 25. Learning to Learn Again, in Later Years 160 VI WILL YOU STILL NEED YOU? Story #36: Stanton Q., Age 89 168 Story #37: Ida J., Age 84 170 Story #38: Louis E., Age 87 172 Story #39: Derrick G., Age 80 174 Story #40: Lisa Lynn C., Age 77 176 Commentary 178 26. Youth for Sale: The Distraction of Anti-Aging Consumption 179 27. Thinking Positive: Prescription for Aging Well? 181