ffirs.qxd 3/8/06 11:22 AM Page iii Why Talking Is Not Enough (cid:2) Eight Loving Actions That Will Transform Your Marriage Susan Page flast.qxd 3/8/06 11:36 AM Page vii ffirs.qxd 3/8/06 11:22 AM Page i More Praise for Why Talking Is Not Enough “This is a clear and practical presentation of how to bring spiritual principles into everyday relationships. Susan Page presents essential information that will help every couple create more love and harmony in their life.” —Barbara De Angelis, author, How Did I Get Here? “I love this book! It is truly a treasure. Susan courageously shows us why we need to stop talking about problems and start taking loving action. She clearly describes the actions we need to take to create loving, spiritually growing relationships. If you are having problems in your relationship, or you want to make your rela- tionship even better than it is, read this book!” —Margaret Paul, coauthor, Do I Have to Give Up Me to Be Loved by You? andHealing Your Aloneness; and author, Inner Bonding andDo I Have to Give Up Me to Be Loved by God? “This exciting new book is a gem. It is one of the best presentations I’ve ever seen of how to bring spiritual principles into everyday relationships. Page is not talk- ing about meditating for a weekend but about how to live your spirituality every day. This wonderful book presents a shift in consciousness that will help couples have a great relationship for a lifetime. I strongly recommend this book for all couples and singles who want to be the best possible partner they can be, now and in the future.” —Howard J. Markman, coauthor, 12 Hours to a Great Marriage and Fighting forYour Marriage “This book describes an entirely new way for intimate partners to relate based on spiritual principles. In clear, simple language, Susan Page offers practical concepts and experiments that can improve your relationship in no time at all.” —Kathlyn and Gay Hendricks, authors, Conscious Loving and Spirit-Centered Relationships “This book is like the Buddha channeled by Ann Landers! As a pastor, I have given away many copies of this book to people struggling in intimate relationships—and I’ve used it in my own marriage. There are many classics of spiritual wisdom and many nuts-and-bolts self-help books on relationships. Susan Page brilliantly com- bines the two. Her gift is to translate spiritual ideals into practical, understandable, and eminently achievable goals for everyday living in Spiritual Partnership. Read it, apply the lessons, and transform yourself and your relationship.” —The Rev. Fred Small, senior pastor, First Church Unitarian, Littleton, Massachusetts ffirs.qxd 3/8/06 11:22 AM Page ii also by susan page How One of You Can Bring the Two of You Together The Eight Essential Traits of Couples Who Thrive If I’m So Wonderful, Why Am I Still Single? The Shortest Distance Between You and a Published Book ffirs.qxd 3/8/06 11:22 AM Page iii Why Talking Is Not Enough (cid:2) Eight Loving Actions That Will Transform Your Marriage Susan Page ffirs.qxd 3/8/06 11:22 AM Page iv Copyright © 2006 by Susan Page. All rights reserved. Published by Jossey-Bass A Wiley Imprint 989 Market Street, San Francisco, CA 94103-1741 www.josseybass.com No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, scanning, or otherwise, except as permitted under Section 107 or 108 of the 1976 United States Copyright Act, without either the prior written permission of the publisher, or authorization through pay- ment of the appropriate per-copy fee to the Copyright Clearance Center, Inc., 222 Rosewood Drive, Danvers, MA 01923, 978-750-8400, fax 978-646-8600, or on the Web at www.copy- right.com. Requests to the publisher for permission should be addressed to the Permissions Department, John Wiley & Sons, Inc., 111 River Street, Hoboken, NJ 07030, 201-748-6011, fax 201-748-6008, or online at http://www.wiley.com/go/permissions. Limit of Liability/Disclaimer of Warranty: While the publisher and author have used their best efforts in preparing this book, they make no representations or warranties with respect to the accuracy or completeness of the contents of this book and specifically disclaim any implied warranties of merchantability or fitness for a particular purpose. No warranty may be created or extended by sales representatives or written sales materials. The advice and strate- gies contained herein may not be suitable for your situation. You should consult with a pro- fessional where appropriate. Neither the publisher nor author shall be liable for any loss of profit or any other commercial damages, including but not limited to special, incidental, con- sequential, or other damages. Readers should be aware that Internet Web sites offered as citations and/or sources for fur- ther information may have changed or disappeared between the time this was written and when it is read. Jossey-Bass books and products are available through most bookstores. To contact Jossey- Bass directly call our Customer Care Department within the U.S. at 800-956-7739, outside the U.S. at 317-572-3986, or fax 317-572-4002. Jossey-Bass also publishes its books in a variety of electronic formats. Some content that appears in print may not be available in electronic books. Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Page, Susan. Why talking is not enough : eight loving actions that will transform your marriage / Susan Page. p. cm. Includes bibliographical references. ISBN-13: 978-0-7879-8370-3 (cloth) ISBN-10: 0-7879-8370-5 (cloth) 1. Marriage. 2. Love. 3. Married people—Psychology. 4. Married people—Conduct of life. 5. Spiritual life. 6. Communication in marriage. I. Title. HQ734.P175 2006 646.7'8—dc22 2006000527 Printed in the United States of America first edition HB Printing 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 ftoc.qxd 3/8/06 11:37 AM Page v Contents Introduction 1 PART ONE What Is Spiritual Partnership? 1. Introducing Spiritual Partnership 11 2. Loving Action 1: Adopt a Spirit of Good Will 47 3. Loving Action 2: Give Up Problem Solving 55 4. Loving Action 3: Act as If 71 5. Loving Action 4: Practice Restraint 89 6. Loving Action 5: Balance Giving and Taking 115 7. Loving Action 6: Act onYour Own 129 8. Loving Action 7: Practice Acceptance 157 9. Loving Action 8: Practice Compassion 183 PART TWO Putting Spiritual Partnership to Work in Your Relationship 10. Exactly How to Use the Eight Loving Actions 209 11. Frequently Asked Questions 221 12. Communication Within Spiritual Partnership 231 13. Making Mature Judgments 241 v ftoc.qxd 3/8/06 11:37 AM Page vi vi Contents PART THREE Seeing Spiritual Partnership in a Broader Context 14. Defining the “Spiritual” in Spiritual Partnership 249 15. The Future of Spiritual Partnership 279 References and Further Reading 291 About the Author 295 flast.qxd 3/8/06 11:36 AM Page vii For Cathi and Steven Guadalupe Tim and Aurora who have transformed my life cintro.qxd 3/8/06 11:23 AM Page 1 Introduction Slight shifts in imagination have more impact on living than major efforts at change. —Thomas Moore W elcome to a journey of discovery and, most important, to Eight Loving Actions that will improve the quality of both your relationship and your spiritual journey, whether that is inside or outside a specific religion. Whether you are married or not, these Loving Actions will be useful for you. • If you are a happy and well-adjusted couple, this book will offer you new language to clarify and inspire the ways you are already loving each other, and some new ideas that are more effective than what you are doing now. • If you are troubled and having difficulty with each other, even if one or both of you are considering ending your relationship, you’ll find insights that can create permanent change—quickly. • If you are single, the Eight Loving Actions will help you in any new relationship that might come along and in all the relation- ships in your life: family, friends, and work. 1