Copyright © 2013 by Allison Edwards Cover and internal design © 2013 by Sourcebooks, Inc. Cover design by Foltz Design Cover images © Image Source/Getty Images Sourcebooks and the colophon are registered trademarks of Sourcebooks, Inc. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means including information storage and retrieval systems—except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews—without permission in writing from its publisher, Sourcebooks, Inc. Photo one, page 7, courtesy of www.photos-public-domain.com. Photo two, page 7, courtesy of www.aaps.k12.mi.us. Photo three, page 99, courtesy of Allison Edwards. This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering legal, accounting, or other professional service. If legal advice or other expert assistance is required, the services of a competent professional person should be sought. —From a Declaration of Principles Jointly Adopted by a Committee of the American Bar Association and a Committee of Publishers and Associations This book is not intended as a substitute for medical advice from a qualified physician. The intent of this book is to provide accurate general information in regard to the subject matter covered. If medical advice or other expert help is needed, the services of an appropriate medical professional should be sought. Published by Sourcebooks, Inc. P.O. Box 4410, Naperville, Illinois 60567-4410 (630) 961-3900 Fax: (630) 961-2168 www.sourcebooks.com Edwards, Allison. Why smart kids worry : and what parents can do to help / Allison Edwards. pages cm Includes index. (pbk. : alk. paper) 1. Anxiety in children. 2. Adjustment (Psychology) in children. 3. Parenting. I. Title. BF723.A5.E393 2013 155.4’1246—dc23 2013017033 Contents Introduction Part One: How Smart Kids Think Chapter 1: The New Definition of “Smart” Chapter 2: Understanding Your Child’s Anxiety Chapter 3: How Children Process Anxiety and Why It Matters Chapter 4: How to Address Your Child’s Anxiety in an Age of Worry Chapter 5: Where Intelligence and Anxiety Collide Chapter 6: Why Your Child Doesn’t Need to Know about Terrorists Chapter 7: How to Answer “Is Global Warming Real? When Will I Die? Can a Tornado Hit Our House?”… and Other Tough Questions Chapter 8: What Anxiety Leaves Behind Part Two: Tools Tool #1: Square Breathing Tool #2: Worry Time Tool #3: Changing the Channel Tool #4: The Five Question Rule Tool #5: “I Did It!” List Tool #6: The Marble System Tool #7: Giving Your Child a Role Tool #8: Structuring the Unstructured Tool #9: Blanket Tool Tool #10: Over Checking Tool #11: Naming the Anxiety Tool #12: Brain Plate Tool #13: Run Fast! Jump High! Tool #14: The Worry Expert Tool #15: Feelings Check-In Conclusion Checklist of Anxiety Symptoms Think Sheet Acknowledgments About the Author Introduction Five-year-old Thomas is worried about death. He is afraid his parents are going to die, along with his grandparents, his dog, and his best friend. “Mommy, I’m scared,” Thomas says each night before bedtime. “What if you and Daddy die while I’m sleeping?” Although Thomas is in kindergarten, he’s reading on a fourth-grade level. He is well liked, has lots of friends, and comes from a stable home. “I don’t know why this is happening,” his mother says. “He doesn’t know anyone who has died. I don’t allow him to watch scary movies. He’s only five. How can he already be worrying about death?” After receiving a B on her last math test, eight-year-old Cassandra worries she won’t get into college. “I used to get all A’s and now that I’m getting B’s, I’ll never get into college.” Cassandra’s mother is dumbfounded by her daughter’s remarks. “We don’t talk about college at home. I don’t expect A’s. I don’t understand why she’s worried about something ten years from now.” Eleven-year-old Madeline worries her parents are getting a divorce. “I heard my parents fighting last night and I’m scared they’re getting a divorce. Sarah’s parents got divorced last year and now she only gets to see her dad on the weekends.” Madeline’s mother and father have no intention of getting a divorce and are frustrated by Madeline’s reaction to their small argument. “Madeline’s always taking things to the next level,” her mother says. “I can’t get her to understand that sometimes parents fight. It doesn’t mean we are getting a divorce. I don’t know what to do.” Anxiety is the number-one mental-health issue among children in the United States, and it has held that spot for over a decade. It also happens to be the number-one mental-health issue among adults in the United States, so it’s apparent the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. We’re an extremely anxious nation. What happens between childhood and adulthood? Are the anxious adults of today the product of the anxious kids of the ’50s, ’60s, and ’70s? Will the anxious kids of today become the anxious adults of the future? Research tells us the human brain is most malleable in childhood, and as we grow older, our brains become less likely to change. What is relatively simple to change for a five-year-old is difficult to change for a fifty-five-year-old. As a psychotherapist, I see this time and time again. I might see a severely anxious seven-year-old, and after giving the parents some tools and working with the child for a short period of time, the child improves remarkably. Then I see a severely anxious middle-aged adult, and the situation looks very different. Things move much slower. They are much harder to change. That’s because the negative patterns have existed longer, and they’ve seeped into the cracks of everyday life. Quite often, issues that could have been remedied in a person’s childhood become large obstacles in his or her adulthood. The best time to help an anxious person is during childhood. Before patterns become too ingrained and self-esteem is too low, kids (and their parents) need the resources to turn things around. This is what this book is intended to do: give parents the information and tools they need to help their children with anxiety. Specifically, to give the parents of smart kids what they need to help their children. As you will see in this book, smart kids think differently than regular kids, and you must parent them differently. We’ll get into the definition of smart later, but for now it’s important to know that smart kids worry about different things than regular kids, so you must be prepared to handle the fears they bring to the table. I suspect you have a child who is smart, talented beyond his years, yet troubled by advanced-level fears he or she is unequipped to handle. Your child has likely asked you questions you don’t know how to answer, and your child may seem more advanced than you remember being at the same age. He is processing new information so quickly you can’t seem to keep up. While a vast number of smart kids struggle with anxiety, there have been very few books that directly address this issue. There are a variety of books about raising smart children, as well as books about how to parent anxious children, but virtually no information on how to raise a smart and anxious child. This book fills the gap. With the case studies, practical information, and parenting tools included in this book, you will be able to help your bright, precocious child be happier and more equipped to handle his anxiety. Most books out there focus on how to “fix” your child’s anxiety rather than on how to connect with your child during anxious moments. This book is different. The information and tools included in this book are not intended to make your child’s anxiety go away; rather, they are intended to help your child channel his anxiety. In a “fix it” world, we are often searching for the next thing that will make it all better. When we try to “fix” kids, we send the message that they aren’t good enough. When we help them accept the part of them that worries and help them channel their anxiety, we empower them. It takes only a brief look at the retail and diet industries to realize that quick fixes don’t last. Quick fixes often put us at a worse place than where we started. That being said, your child’s anxiety can greatly improve if you commit to becoming the kind of parent your child needs during anxious moments. That does not mean rescuing your child or solving problems for him; it simply means understanding the way your child thinks and applying the right tools to help him be more independent. Your child will ultimately need to be able to process fears on his own, and when you provide a safe, nurturing environment while setting appropriate boundaries, you allow him to do just that. How to Use This Book This book is divided into two parts. Part One is designed to give you the information you need to parent your anxious child. It explains the minds of smart kids and the effects of anxiety on children. Part One will also help you determine what kind of anxiety your child has, along with how he or she processes it. Most importantly, Part One will help you determine what tools will be most effective for your child. It is very important to read Part One in its entirety so you will have the information you need to successfully implement the tools in Part Two. Part Two contains fifteen tools to help you parent your anxious child. The beginning of Part Two explains how to go through each tool, but it is important to keep in mind from the outset that more is less when it comes to using the tools. Instead of going through the section saying, “Oh, that’ll work! That’ll work too. I’ll try that!” take some time to think about what will truly work best for your child. There is no rush in implementing the tools. It’s more important to understand and be patient when selecting the tool that will work best with your child. A Final Note I have had the privilege to work with hundreds of anxious kids over the past ten years. Each child helped me learn, not only professionally, but also personally, and I value each child I’ve had the joy of working with. The case studies I use in this book are real cases; however, the identities of the children have been protected. I changed the names and genders of the children but kept the ages consistent to make the developmental stages applicable. I also use “he” when referring to both genders as a way to keep the language simple and consistent. This book will help you understand your child in a new way. It will also give you tools to transform your parenting and, as a result, transform the way your child deals with anxiety. Ultimately, I hope that from reading this book, you develop a deeper connection with your child. Regardless of what your child faces in the upcoming years, you will have the knowledge and tools to help him navigate whatever comes his way.