Sunrise River Press 39966 Grand Avenue North Branch, MN 55056 Phone: 651-277-1400 or 800-895-4585 Fax: 651-277-1203 www.sunriseriverpress.com © 2012 by Shirley Impellizzeri All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without prior permission from the Author. All text, photographs, and artwork are the property of the Author unless otherwise noted or credited. All reasonable effort has been made to ensure the accuracy of the information in this book. However, due to ongoing research and discoveries, the information in this book may not reflect the latest standards, developments, or treatments. This book is intended for educational purposes, and is not intended to be all inclusive or to be a substitute for direct diagnosis and treatment by a qualified licensed mental health practitioner. Readers who have questions about a particular condition or possible treatments for that condition are advised to consult with a licensed mental health practitioner. The Author and the Publisher shall not be liable for any damages allegedly arising from the information in this book. The opinions expressed in this book are the Author's alone and not those of the Publisher. Whenever a person can be identified in this book, either that person or a surviving family member gave permission to the author for that person’s story to be told in an effort to help you. The names of patients and details of their stories have been changed to protect confidentiality. All trademarks, trade names, model names and numbers, and other product designations referred to herein are the property of their respective owners and are used solely for identification purposes. This work is a publication of Sunrise River Press, and has not been licensed, approved, sponsored, or endorsed by any other person or entity. Edit by Debby Young Layout by Connie DeFlorin ISBN 978-1-934716-50-2 Item No. SRP650 To my sweet little Sydney. Thank you for choosing me as your mom in this lifetime. Foreword Why can’t I change? This is one of the most fundamental questions people ask themselves at some point in their lives, and it can also be one of the hardest to answer. Dysfunctional behavior patterns can become so entrenched that changing them seems like an insurmountable feat. Many people give up, resigning themselves to a life that isn’t what they truly want. In this important work, Dr. Shirley eloquently explains how the foundation of our earliest emotional attachments gives rise to dysfunctional patterns of behavior. She teaches us that as far back as infancy, these attachments influence how our brains develop and what thoughts and beliefs get set into place and often remain throughout our lives. From the moment we are born, the attachment process begins and by our third month of life, the person we are primarily attached to is already imprinted in our brains. This individual is most often a parent or primary caregiver, who has the opportunity to either nurture us and build our self-esteem or to remain emotionally distant and erode our sense of self-worth. How this attachment figure treats us during these early formative years has a profound effect on how our brains develop and how we perceive ourselves and others in the future. In our culture, we are taught to believe that after a certain age, we should stop blaming our parents for the problems in our lives. Dr. Shirley helps us realize that blaming our parents is not the road to change. Instead, gaining an understanding of how our parents influenced and shaped our development is the most effective means for letting go of our self-destructive behaviors. Why Can’t I Change? explains this process and clarifies how it can provide the building blocks we need to become who we truly want to be, as well as offer us the emotional and practical tools to change and move beyond our self-destructive patterns. When we understand the patterns behind our self-doubts, those patterns lose their power over us, and we can adopt new, healthy ways to understand ourselves and the people who are important to us. That is the key to how we can truly change and live healthier, more fulfilling lives. Gary Small, MD Professor of Psychiatry David Geffen School of Medicine UCLA Preface Why do people make the same mistakes over and over again? Why do we choose the wrong partners, stay in dead-end jobs, or fall into bad habits or addictions? Why are some people perpetual victims? Why can’t we just change whatever isn’t working and get on with it? These questions about the human condition fascinated me and led me to a career in psychology. During my early years in private practice, I noticed that many of my patients had a distinct pattern of self- destructive behavior that seemed to repeat over and over again. I found this pattern pervasive in almost all areas of their lives, although it was most apparent in their intimate relationships. When I pointed this out to my patients, many had no idea there was a pattern at all. Those who admitted being aware of their patterns became aware of them only after the patterns were established. They were not conscious of what had created these patterns and what had gotten them to this place. They seemed to be sleepwalking through life. I began to research this phenomenon. I knew from my studies that childhood experiences affect our behaviors and the way we think about life. During a fateful trip to Tahiti, I was introduced to attachment theory, which specifically correlates our feelings, thoughts, beliefs, and what we expect in life as adults to the way we attach to our primary caregivers as infants. The latest studies in attachment and brain development indicate that the effects of these early experiences shape the way our brain develops, causing us to behave in ways that we may not be aware of. As I learned more and more about attachment in early life, it all began to make sense. The programming that begins in infancy is stored in the unconscious. When it is triggered, it ignites a pattern of behavior that is simply a reaction to that early programming. Thanks, Mom and Dad! With this knowledge, I began to better understand the psychological defenses, emotional reactions, beliefs, and behaviors my patients were displaying. It was not simply a matter of blaming our parents; their part in the process is in the past and often unintentional, and we can’t change that. However, understanding why the behavior exists is the first step in changing it. It became clear that helping my patients gain insight into their patterns led to awareness and that awareness presented a choice for them: either stick with their old behaviors and continue to sleepwalk through life or try new behaviors and release themselves from their unconscious patterns, ultimately living the lives they wanted. Insight and awareness alone do not produce change, but new experiences do. And new experiences create new neural pathways in the brain and literally change it. The adage “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks” is a lie. I wrote this book to share my insights and strategies beyond the scope of my practice. When we become aware and let go of old patterns that no longer work in our lives, we can change our behaviors and stop sleepwalking through life, free from the effects of the past. How exhilarating and grand! Acknowledgments I’d like to thank everyone who serendipitously came together to make me who I am today, beginning with Judith Pillsbury, RIP, whose understanding and kind words I will never forget, and continuing with my first two mentors, Dr. Paul Abramson, who believed in me when I didn’t and Dr. Lawanda Katzman-Staenberg who taught me everything I know. Matt Jackson introduced me to my wonderful manager, Marilyn Atlas, who found Mike Farris at Farris Literary Agency who decided to take a risk and took me on as a client. He, in turn, found Sunrise River Press, and I was lucky to have them take a chance on me and publish my words. Karen Chernyaev is a kind, patient, and intelligent editorial director who had the wherewithal to put me together with Debby Young. I have never had the experience to work with an editor and feel blessed to have worked with such a talented one from the get go. Debby immediately got me, heard my voice, and understood the message I wanted to convey and made me sound eloquent doing so! To my friends who supported me and understood when I went MIA to write and meet my deadlines. And to my family: my mother who I know would have been very proud of her gordita, Frankie-boy, and especially my sister Jackie, who I have always looked up to and with whom I am extremely proud to share a wonderfully close relationship. You were instrumental in helping me, always inspiring me with kind words and giving me great feedback while writing this book. Gigi and Gary Small have always been a wonderful support ever since that fateful day when we met on the first day of our kids’ nursery school. Dr. Drew Pinsky, thank you for supporting me in this effort. A special thanks to the scientists, many of whom I reference throughout the book, who have dedicated their lives to studying the effects of trauma. A very special thanks to Dr. Perter Levine, whose brilliance has given us a beautiful and profound way to heal our