This book made available by the Internet Archive. FOR RICHARD BARR AND CLINTON WILDER Digitized by the Internet Archive in 2012 http://archive.org/details/whosafraidofvirgOOalbe_0 ACT ONE FUN AND GAMES PAGE 1 ACT TWO WALPURGISNACHT PAGE 87 ACT THREE THE EXORCISM PAGE 183 FIRST PERFORMANCE October 13, 1962, New York City, Billy Rose Theatre UTA HAGEN OS MARTHA ARTHUR HILL as GEORGE GEORGE GRIZZARD OS NICK MELINDA DILLON OS HONEY Directed by ALAN SCHNEIDER THE PLAYERS MARTHA A large, boisterous woman, 52, looking somewhat younger. Ample, but not fleshy. GEORGE Her husband, 46. Thin; hair going gray. HONEY 26, a petite blond girl, rather plain. NICK 30, her husband. Blond, well put-together, good-looking. THE SCENE The living room of a house on the campus of a small New England college. ACT ONE FUN AND GAMES (Set in darkness. Crash against front door. MARTHA'S laughter heard. Front door opens, lights are switched on. MARTHA enters, followed by GEORGE) MARTHA Jesus. . . . GEORGE . . . Shhhhhhh MARTHA . . . H. Christ. . . . GEORGE For God's sake, Martha, it's two o'clock in the. . . . MARTHA Oh, George! GEORGE Well, I'm sorry, but. . . . MARTHA What a cluck! What a cluck you are. GEORGE It's late, you know? Late. MARTHA (Looks about the room. Imitates Bette Davis) What a dump. Hey, what's that from? "What a dump!" GEORGE How would I know what. . . . MARTHA Aw, come on! What's it from? You know. . . . GEORGE . . . Martha. . . . MARTHA WHAT'S IT FROM, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE? GEORGE (Wearily) What's what from? MARTHA I just told you; I just did it. "What a dump!" Hunh? What's that from? GEORGE I haven't the faintest idea what. . . . MARTHA Dumbbell! It's from some goddamn Bette Davis picture . . . some goddamn Warner Brothers epic. . . . GEORGE / can't remember all the pictures that. . . . MARTHA Nobody's asking you to remember every single goddamn Warner Brothers epic . . . just one! One single little epic! Bette Davis gets peritonitis in the end . . . she's got this big black fright wig she wears all through the picture and she gets peritonitis, and she's married to Joseph Cotten or something. . . . GEORGE . . . Somebody. . . . MARTHA . . . somebody . . . and she wants to go to Chicago all the time, 'cause she's in love with that actor with the scar. . . . But she gets sick, and she sits down in front of her dressing table. . . . GEORGE What actor? What scar? MARTHA / can't remember his name, for God's sake. What's the name of the picture? I want to know what the name of the picture is. She sits down in front of her dressing table . . . and she's got this peritonitis . . . and she tries to put her lipstick on, but she can't . . . and she gets it all over her face ... but she decides to go to Chicago anyway, and. . . . GEORGE Chicago! It's called Chicago. MARTHA Hunh? What . . . what is? GEORGE The picture . . . it's called Chicago. . . . MARTHA Good grief! Don't you know anything? Chicago was a 'thirties musical, starring little Miss Alice Faye. Don't you know anything? GEORGE Well, that was probably before my time, but. . . . MARTHA Can it! Just cut that out! This picture . . . Bette Davis comes home from a hard day at the grocery store. . . . GEORGE She works in a grocery store? MARTHA She's a housewife; she buys things . . . and she comes home with the groceries, and she walks into the modest living room of the modest cottage modest Joseph Cotten has set her up in. . . . GEORGE Are they married? MARTHA (Impatiently) Yes. They're married. To each other. Cluck! And she comes in, and she looks around, and she puts her groceries down, and she says, "What a dump!" GEORGE (Pause) Oh. MARTHA (Pause) She's discontent. GEORGE (Pause) Oh. MARTHA (Pause) Well, what's the name of the picture? GEORGE I really don't know, Martha. . . . MARTHA Well, think! GEORGE I'm tired, dear . . . it's late . . . and besides. . . . MARTHA I don't know what you're so tired about . . . you haven't done anything all day; you didn't have any classes, or anything. . . . GEORGE Well, I'm tired. ... If your father didn't set up these goddamn Saturday night orgies all the time. . . . MARTHA Well, that's too bad about you, George. . . . GEORGE (Grumbling) Well, that's how it is, anyway. MARTHA You didn't do anything; you never do anything; you never mix. You just sit around and talk. GEORGE What do you want me to do? Do you want me to act like you? Do you want me to go around all night braying at everybody, the way you do? MARTHA (Braying) I DONT BRAY! GEORGE (Softly) All right . . . you don't bray. MARTHA (Hurt) I do not bray. GEORGE All right. I said you didn't bray. Act One MARTHA (Pouting) Make me a drink. What? I said, make me a drink. GEORGE MARTHA (Still softly) GEORGE (Moving to the portable bar) Well, I don't suppose a nightcap'd kill either one of us. . MARTHA A nightcap! Are you kidding? We've got guests. We've got what? Guests. GUESTS. GEORGE (Disbelieving) MARTHA GUESTS! over. When? now! GEORGE MARTHA Yes . . . guests . . . people. . . . We've got guests coming GEORGE MARTHA GEORGE Good Lord, Martha ... do you know what time it. . . . Who's coming over? MARTHA What's-their-name. GEORGE Who? MARTHA WHAT'S-THEIR-NAME! GEORGE Who what's-their-name? MARTHA I don't know what their name is, George. . . . You met them tonight . . . they're new . . . he's in the math department, or something. . . . GEORGE Who . . . who are these people? MARTHA You met them tonight, George. GEORGE I don't remember meeting anyone tonight. . . . MARTHA Well you did . . . Will you give me my drink, please. . . . He's in the math department . . . about thirty, blond, and. . . . GEORGE . . . and good-looking. . . . MARTHA Yes . . . and good-looking. . . . GEORGE It figures. MARTHA . . . and his wife's a mousey little type, without any hips, or anything. GEORGE (Vaguely) Oh. MARTHA You remember them now? GEORGE Yes, I guess so, Martha. . . . But why in God's name are they coming over here now? MARTHA (In a so-there voice) Because Daddy said we should be nice to them, that's why. GEORGE (Defeated) Oh, Lord. MARTHA May I have my drink, please? Daddy said we should be nice to them. Thank you. GEORGE But why now? It's after two o'clock in the morning, and. . . . MARTHA Because Daddy said we should be nice to them! GEORGE Yes. But I'm sure your father didn't mean we were supposed to stay up all night with these people. I mean, we could have them over some Sunday or something. . . . MARTHA Well, never mind. . . . Besides, it is Sunday. Very early Sunday. GEORGE I mean . . . it's ridiculous. . . . MARTHA Well, it's donel GEORGE (Resigned and exasperated) All right. Well . . . where are they? If we've got guests where are they? MARTHA They'll be here soon. GEORGE What did they do ... go home and get some sleep first, or something? MARTHA They'll be here! GEORGE I wish you'd tell me about something sometime. ... I wish you'd stop springing things on me all the time. MARTHA I don't spring things on you all the time. GEORGE Yes, you do . . . you really do . . . you're always springing things on me. MARTHA (Friendly-patronizing) Oh, George! GEORGE Always. MARTHA Poor Georgie-Porgie, put-upon pie! (As he sulks) Awwwwww . . . what are you doing? Are you sulking? Hunh? Let me see ... are you sulking? Is that what you're doing? GEORGE (Very quietly) Never mind, Martha. . . . MARTHA AWWWWWWWWWW! GEORGE Just don't bother yourself. . . . MARTHA awwwwwwwwww! (No reaction) Hey! (No reaction) HEY! (GEORGE looks at her, put-upon) Hey. (She sings) Who's afraid of Virginia Woolf, Virginia Woolf, Virginia Woolf. . . . Ha, ha, ha, ha! (No reaction) What's the matter . . . didn't you think that was funny? Hunh? (Defiantly) I thought it was a scream ... a real scream. You didn't like it, hunh? GEORGE It was all right, Martha. . . . MARTHA You laughed your head off when you heard it at the party. J GEORGE I smiled. I didn't laugh my head off ... I smiled, you know? ... it was all right. MARTHA (Gazing into her drink) You laughed your goddamn head off. GEORGE It was all right. . . . MARTHA (Ugly) It was a scream! GEORGE (Patiently) It was very funny; yes. MARTHA (After a moment's consideration) You make me puke! GEORGE What? MARTHA Uh . . . you make me puke! GEORGE (Thinks about it . . . then . . .) That wasn't a very nice thing to say, Martha. MARTHA That wasn't what? GEORGE ... a very nice thing to say. MARTHA I like your anger. I think that's what I like about you most . . . your anger. You're such a . . . such a simp! You don't even have the ... the what? .... GEORGE . . . guts? MARTHA PHRASEMAKER! (Pause . . . then they both laugh) Hey, put some more ice in my drink, will you? You never put any ice in my drink. Why is that, hunh? GEORGE (Takes her drink) I always put ice in your drink. You eat it, that's all. It's that habit you have . . . chewing your ice cubes . . . like a cocker spaniel. You'll crack your big teeth. MARTHA THEY'RE MY BIG TEETH! GEORGE Some of them . . . some of them. MARTHA I've got more teeth than you've got. GEORGE Two more. MARTHA Well, two more's a lot more. GEORGE I suppose it is. I suppose it's pretty remarkable . . . considering how old you are. MARTHA you CUT that out! (Pause) You're not so young yourself. GEORGE (With boyish pleasure . . . a chant) I'm six years younger than you are. ... I always have been and I always will be. MARTHA (Glumly) Well . . . you're going bald. GEORGE So are you. (Pause . . . they both laugh) Hello, honey. MARTHA Hello. C'mon over here and give your Mommy a big sloppy kiss. GEORGE ... oh, now. . . . MARTHA I WANT A BIG SLOPPY KISS! GEORGE (Preoccupied) I don't want to kiss you, Martha. Where are these people? Where are these people you invited over? MARTHA They stayed on to talk to Daddy. . . . They'll be here. . . . Why don't you want to kiss me? GEORGE (Too matter-of-fact) Well, dear, if I kissed you I'd get all excited ... I'd get beside myself, and I'd take you, by force, right here on the living room rug, and then our little guests would walk in, and . . . well, just think what your father would say about that. MARTHA You pig! GEORGE (Haughtily) Oink! Oink! MARTHA Ha, ha, ha, ha! Make me another drink . . . lover. GEORGE (Taking her glass) My God, you can swill it down, can't you? MARTHA (Imitating a tiny child) I'm firsty. GEORGE Jesus! MARTHA (Swinging around) Look, sweetheart, I can drink you under any goddamn table you want ... so don't worry about me! GEORGE Martha, 1 gave you the prize years ago. . . . There isn't an abomination award going that you. . . . MARTHA I swear ... if you existed I'd divorce you. . . . GEORGE Well, just stay on your feet, that's all. . . . These people are your guests, you know, and. . . . MARTHA I can't even see you ... I haven't been able to see you for years. . . . GEORGE ... if you pass out, or throw up, or something. . . . MARTHA ... I mean, you're a blank, a cipher. . . . GEORGE . . . and try to keep your clothes on, too. There aren't many more sickening sights than you with a couple of drinks in you and your skirt up over your head, you know. . . . MARTHA ... a zero. . . . GEORGE . . . your heads, 1 should say. . . . (The front doorbell chimes) MARTHA Party! Party! GEORGE (Murderously) I'm really looking forward to this, Martha. . . . MARTHA (Same) Go answer the door. GEORGE (Not moving) You answer it. MARTHA Get to that door, you. (He does not move) I'll fix you, you. . . . GEORGE (Fake-spits) ... to you. . . . (Door chime again) MARTHA (Shouting . . . to the door) CMON IN! (To GEORGE, between her teeth) I said, get over there! GEORGE (Moves a little toward the door, smiling slightly) All right, love . . . whatever love wants. (Stops) Just don't start on the bit, that's all. MARTHA The bit? The bit? What kind of language is that? What are you talking about? GEORGE The bit. Just don't start in on the bit. MARTHA You imitating one of your students, for God's sake? What are you trying to do? what bit?