For Cathy, Victoria, and Will Contents ACKNOWLEDGMENTS PRELUDE Chapter 1 DYLAN AND ME Chapter 2 TWO JEWS’ BLUES Chapter 3 B3 Chapter 4 RUNNING INTO RAY CHARLES Chapter 5 WITH YOUR KIND INDULGENCE… Chapter 6 SHAFFER A-GO-GO Chapter 7 DID YOU HEAR THE ONE ABOUT THE VENTRILOQUIST AND THE RABBI? Chapter 8 HERE I COME TO SAVE THE DAY Chapter 9 FRANK SINATRA WELCOMES ELVIS BACK FROM THE ARMY Chapter 10 SWEET, SWEET CONNIE Chapter 11 THE ALL-TIME GREATEST PUSSYCAT OF THE WORLD Chapter 12 NIGHTS IN WHITE SATIN Chapter 13 KEEPING NORTH AMERICA SAFE Chatter 14 “YOU’VE SEEN THESE, THEN?” Chapter 15 “WHERE ARE WE NOW?”… Chapter 16 BLAME CANADA Chapter 17 JILLY LOVES YOU MORE THAN YOU WILL KNOW Chapter 18 “LOVE’S THEME” Chapter 19 “WHICH OF THESE COFFEES IS THE FRESHER?” Chapter 20 A BLACK CASHMERE COAT WITH A RED SILK LINING Chapter 21 HOLLYWOOD SWINGING Chapter 22 THE BRADY BUNCH, THE OHIO PLAYERS, AND MR. CHEVY CHASE Chapter 23 PAUL AT THE GRAMERCY Chapter 24 CATHERINE VASAPOLI Chapter 25 THE BLUES BROTHERS! Chapter 26 DIVIDED SOUL Chapter 27 KING OF HAWAIIAN ENTERTAINMENT Chapter 28 THE HEALING POWERS OF MR. BLACKWELL Chapter 29 HOW BLUE CAN YOU GET? Chapter 30 THE CALL THAT CHANGED IT ALL Chapter 31 BLUES, BROTHER Chapter 32 I’M NO HOMOPHOBE, OR HOW I CAME TO CO-WRITE “IT’S RAINING MEN” Chapter 33 THE GIG OF GIGS Chapter 34 MY ELVIS Chapter 35 LOVING GILDA Chapter 36 “KICK MY ASS—PLEASE!” Chapter 37 TAKE MY LIMO, PLEASE Chapter 38 VIVA SHAF VEGAS Chapter 39 MEL GIBSON AND THE JEWS Chapter 40 ON THE NIGHT SHIFT Chapter 41 BAD TASTE Chapter 42 FAMILY IS EVERYTHING Chapter 43 WHAT KIND OF HOST AM I? Chapter 44 THE GRINCH WHO RUINED CHRISTMAS Chapter 45 PATRIOTISM AND RELIGION CREDITS acknowledgments Paul thanks … David Letterman, it’s an honor to take it to the stage with you every night— a true friend David Ritz, you are the answer to the question, “What is hip?” Daniel Fetter, without whom I wouldn’t know where “1” is Eric Gardner, wise and conscientious counselor; I couldn’t imagine a better manager Suzan Evans Hochberg, my favorite rock and roll lawyer chick Chris Albers, writer to the stars, labor negotiator; who says working for me doesn’t lead anywhere? Chris Schukei, news anchor, marketing genius; who says working for me doesn’t lead anywhere? Jann Wenner, your knowledge and loyalty are unwavering Phil Hordy, my good friend, thanks for my street and hooking up the Order of Canada David Smyth, for the gig that entitled this book Susan Collins Caploe, what a voice! Joel Peresman, the rock CEO with the movie-star looks Joel Gallen, talent by the gallon Bob Anuik, lead Fugitive who sang the hell out of “Jezebel” Frank De Michele, first bass man (Fugitives) Peter Demian, second bass man (Fugitives) who taught me “Stand By Me” Ian Rosser, third bass man (Fugitives), designed his own electric sitar—it’s a cool world Don Murray, original drummer (Fugitives) Tom Schiller, neither of us turned out to be gay Rhonda Coulet, sang beautifully at Belushi’s memorial Rita Riggs, turned me out as an eyewear addict Tony Reid, the ring-bearer on the unicycle Barbara Gaines, exec producer, Thanks for the Memories Maria Pope, exec producer, Dream Weaver Tom Leopold, the industry vet John Evans, dug “Love’s Theme” as well Lee Gabler, my buddy in the Area of Responsibility Jude Brennan, exec producer, still doesn’t know what “Act 1” is Michael Lichtstein, it’s his “Day in Rock” Danno and Laura Wolkoff, rock Cleveland Alan Cross, a funny, funny man John Sykes, a dear friend who gave me some unforgettable gigs Matt Roberts, supervising producer and lyricist extraordinaire Margo Lewis, agent/organist—what a combo! Rob Burnett, swingingest CEO Jill Leiderman, does it all Senator Marian “The Babe” Maloney, dear family friend Her Excellency Governor General Michele Jean, with deep respect Rob Cohen, for the Sammy plaque Gabrielle Lappa, honours with a “u” Charlotte Igoe, had a Hammond as well Lee Richardson, for slipping me into that reception line The Stangles, Jerry and Sheila, thanks for the support David thanks … Paul Shaffer, “King of ’em All, Y’all” Suzanne Herz Steve Rubin David Vigliano Peter Gethers Claudia Herr Stacy Creamer Emily Mahon Geoff Martin Helen Ansari Rob Kaufman My gang: Roberta, Alison, Jessica, Jim, Henry, Charlotte, Alden, James, Esther, Elizabeth, the great Pops Ritz and all the family, including Harry Weinger and Alan Eisenstock 1971– The Brass Rail. I’m twenty-one, and I’ve made it. I’m playing on Yonge Street, Toronto’s main drag, where clubs like the Zanzibar and the Coq d’Or feature rockers like Rompin’ Ronnie Hawkins and David Clayton Thomas. To be honest, though, the Brass Rail is a little farther up the street on a slightly less swinging block. Doesn’t matter. I’m thrilled to be here and I’m thrilled to be providing musical accompaniment for the nightclub’s topless dancers. These girls may be a bit frayed around the G-string, but to me they’re simply irresistible. I’m also happy to see that many of my college pals, who have never before bothered to hear me play, are out in force. In fact, they’re so interested in my music that they’re sitting at ringside tables. As for me, I’m caught in an exquisite dichotomy: embarrassment versus erotic stimulation. It’s a grind—literally for the girls and metaphorically for me. My grind is the stringency of the set requirements: seven straight hours, from 6 p.m. to 1 a.m., fifty minutes on, ten off. I bring on the dancers at the top of the set, when they do one number “covered,” then two topless. After a few tunes from the band, they return at the bottom of the set for more of the same. So at the end of this long and beautiful/awful night, it’s time to wrap it up. “Ladies and gentlemen,” I intone, playing to my friends, “let’s hear it once again for the very lovely, extremely talented Brass Rail Topless Go- Go Dancers. The exquisite Donna. The enchanting Shanda. The delightful LaShana. The priceless Tiffany. And the irresistible Bree. We love them madly. Well, that’s about it for us. We are the Shaf-Tones. Please come back and see us. We’ll be here for the rest of our lives.” Chapter 2 Two Jews’ Blues Welcome to the Orthodox synagogue of my childhood, Shaarey Shomayim, a name that means “Gates of Heaven.” I’m glad you could make it for this Tuesday evening affair. It’ll be a short and simple recital given by two star bar mitzvah students who both happen to play the piano. First up, Paul Shaffer. Paul may be shy, but he’s clearly a prodigy. He plays his Mozart sonatina with clarity and precision. Next up, Paul’s rival, Marvin Slobotsky. Paul expects Marvin to play a classical piece in the Mozartian mode. But Marvin surprises Paul. Marvin surprises everyone. Marvin breaks into “Jealousy,” a flashy number made popular by that irrepressible Cuban, Xavier Cugat. Marvin plays the piece with a confidence that dazzles. Hearing it, you envision some macho male dancer dragging his scantily clad partner across the floor in a daring Apache dance. Slobotsky captures this extreme melodrama and, under his nimble fingers, brings the story to life. His rendition of “Jealousy” is a tour de force. As the congregants cheer wildly, Paul can’t help but join them, even as he himself is consumed with jealousy. Before leaving, Paul overhears his mother’s friend Yetti Helper whisper to her husband, Mendy, “That Marvin…he’s our own Liberace.” For weeks Paul is resigned to the freezing-cold fact: He can never match Slobotsky. But then comes a revelation. It comes, as do so many others, via the Ed Sullivan Show. Paul and his folks are watching together as they do every Sunday night. Dad likes to point out the performers who are wearing good toupees and those who aren’t. On this particular night, Tony Bennett sings “I Left My Heart In San Francisco.” “Rugsville!” exclaims Dad. “But it’s a good wig and a great singer.” Next up—the piano playing duo of Ferrante & Teicher. “Bad toupees,” says Dad, “and schmaltzy piano players.”