i Uncle John’s Colossal Collection of Quotable Quotes By the Bathroom Readers’ Institute Bathroom Readers’ Press Ashland, Oregon ii UNCLE JOHN’S COLOSSAL COLLECTION OF QUOTABLE QUOTES® Copyright © 2004 by Bathroom Readers’ Press (a division of Portable Press). All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews. “Bathroom Reader” is a federally registered trademark of Advanced Marketing Service, Inc. “Uncle John” is a trademark of Advanced Marketing Service, Inc. For information, write The Bathroom Readers’ Institute, P.O. Box 1117, Ashland, OR 97520 www.bathroomreader.com 888-488-4642 Cover design by Michael Brunsfeld, San Rafael, CA ([email protected]) Uncle John’s Colossal Collection of Quotable Quotes® by The Bathroom Readers’ Institute ISBN-13: 978-1-60710-604-3 E-book edition: February 2012 Printed in the United States of America * * * “For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they will like.” —Abraham Lincoln Hiya Sophie! Hiya Jessie! iii THANK YOU! The Bathroom Readers’ Institute sincerely thanks the people whose advice and assistance made this book possible. Gordon Javna Allen Orso Jay Newman Paul Stanley John Dollison Jenny Baldwin Jeff Altemus Nancy Toeppler Brian Boone Scarab Media Julia Papps Joe Diehl Angela Kern Mustard Press John Gaffey Steven Style Group Laura BlackFeather Barb Porsche Thom Little Paula Leith Raingirl Thering Chris Olsen Michael Brunsfeld Our A-Team: JoAnn & Amy Raina Sanderson Porter the Wonder Dog Lori Larson Samuel Clemens Sydney Stanley Thomas Crapper Extra special thanks to our family of “quote herders:” Debbie Thornton, Sarah and Zena, Christy and Tigerlily Collins, Annie McIntyre, Jennifer and Rhys, Catie, Dee & Kellar, Adam DeRose, Dena Berliner, Leslie Weishar, Larry Newman, Mommy and Daddy Newman, Eric Stahlman, Jessica Lee, Amanda Wilson, Tara Gingerich, Chris O’Rourke, Joel and Wendy Macneil, Neil Reed, Jeremy Holmes, and our biggest celebrity fan, Eddie Deezen * * * “Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living. It’s a way of look- ing at life through the wrong end of a telescope…and that enables you to laugh at all of life’s realities.” —Dr. Seuss iv CONTENTS BATHROOM LORE Birds Do It, Bees Do It......94 Toilet Talk ........................11 Love Stinks........................96 Ode To Plumbers ............133 We Are Family................108 More Toilet Talk..............261 Love…and Marriage........153 Farts..................................273 More on Marriage............176 Wedding Daze..................184 A WORD TO THE WISE Words Of Friendship........190 Family Values ..................318 Always…............................48 Never…..............................49 BATTLE OF THE SEXES Don’t! ..............................103 Free Advice......................126 Battle of the Sexes: Advice From Stormin’ Round 1 ........................29 Norman........................169 Male Chauvinist Pigs........70 About Advice..................195 The Double Standard........71 International Proverbs ....222 Battle of the Sexes: Don’t! ..............................236 Round 2........................137 Mama Always Said…......242 More Male Chauvinist Never…............................264 Pigs ..............................238 More Free Advice............310 I Am Woman, Hear Take Our Advice: Me Roar!......................240 Read This Page............354 Battle Of The Sexes: Don’t................................385 Round 3........................342 Never…............................386 FOOD FOR THOUGHT CREATURE COMFORTS You Are What You Eat......50 The Animal Kingdom ......68 Good For What Man’s Best Friend..............98 Ales You ........................74 Cat Calls..........................159 Cuppa Joe........................110 The Animal Kingdom ....192 Them’s Drinkin’ Words ..160 The Divine Bovine..........210 Ah, Chocolate ................241 Man’s Best Friend............285 Have Another Beer!........269 Cat Calls..........................365 Them’s Drinkin’ Words ..352 Eat Your Veggies..............361 FAMILY MATTERS YESTERYEAR Love…and Marriage..........20 The Birds and the Bees......40 Dumb Predictions............106 v Dumb Predictions............200 Sigmund Freud ..................92 You’re History! ................227 Cosmic Thoughts............140 You’re History! ................320 Jesus Of Nazareth............144 Overly Optimistic............322 The American Indian Overly Optimistic............362 Experience....................148 Einstein Speaks................196 FUNNY PEEPS Opinions On Einstein......197 Steven Wright ..................17 Making A Difference ......245 How Insulting! ..................32 Mr. Universe....................270 Tommy Cooper..................79 The Last Lion..................294 Bill Maher..........................87 The Late ShowWith… ....109 SPORTS SHORTS A Study of Humor ..........156 The Winning Quote Everyone’s A Quiz................................28 Comedian ....................157 He’s Lost Both Right Can We Talk?..................174 Front Tires......................54 Dave Attell Tells The Boys of Summer ........78 It All ............................194 Dumb Jocks........................97 The Tonight Show Muhammad Ali................117 With… ........................218 Tee Time..........................130 Rita Rudner......................221 Schott In The Foot..........147 Rodney Dangerfield ........225 Ringleaders......................198 Will Durst Or Gone Fishin’ ..................243 Won’t He?....................275 What? More Dumb A ‘Daily’ Dose..................284 Jocks?............................248 Seinfeld............................298 Sportscasters....................256 Phyllis Diller....................303 Tee Time, Part II..............296 Conan O’Brien................316 Coaches’ Corner..............317 Mitch Hedburg................339 What the Kruk? ..............338 Remembering Gilda........359 More Dumb Jocks............349 Endangered Feces............360 Classic Comics ................370 MUSIC MAXIMUS Robin Williams................383 Rock ‘n’ Roll: A Tête à Tête......................398 Passing Fad ....................18 Off Their Rockers?............19 HEROES AND LEGENDS By Golly, It’s Dolly............41 Ga-Ga for Gandhi ............21 Takin’ Care Of I Have A Dream’ ..............53 Business........................102 Bet Yer Bottom Dali..........66 Talkin’ ‘Bout Country The Enlightened One........80 Music............................116 vi Opinions On Elvis ..........139 What’s Up Doc? ..............129 I Love Rock ‘n’ Roll........150 Celebrities On Money ....172 Song Birds........................158 It’s Tax Time....................219 Artists Rap ......................167 Philosophy........................266 Instrumental Thinking....179 Bits & Bytes ....................272 The Material Girl............180 Legal Briefs......................281 Opinions On Madonna ..181 Ditzy Divas ......................193 QUOTATIONARY Rock Talk ........................206 Uncle John’s Music To Your Ears..........233 Quotationary A-B..........44 His Beckness....................262 Uncle John’s The Beatles On…The Quotationary C-D..........84 Beatles..........................288 Uncle John’s Chillin’ With Dylan........334 Quotationary E-F ........131 Uncle John’s PLACES TO GO Quotationary G-H ......162 To Our Friends Across Uncle John’s The Pond........................35 Quotationary I-K..........202 This Land Is Our Land......99 Uncle John’s The Golden State............185 Quotationary L-M........231 My Country ’Tis Uncle John’s Of Thee........................230 Quotationary N-O ......292 Oh, Canada!....................305 Uncle John’s New York, New York ......329 Quotationary P-R ........326 Ooo La La! ......................345 Uncle John’s Quotationary S-T ........372 POT-POURRI Uncle John’s Quotes on Quotes..............12 Quotationary U-Z........396 Two Kinds of People..........14 World’s Shortest Quote ..246 SIT AND PONDER Panning The Critics........247 The Truth About Lying ....26 2 + 2 = A Quote Page ....260 Why Ask Why?..................47 Panning The Critics........351 Deep Thoughts..................76 The Man Upstairs..............90 PROFESSIONAL TALK Feeling Lucky?..................107 It’s The Law ......................43 Good vs. Evil ..................115 What Is Art?......................65 Winning ..........................235 Money Talks......................81 That’s Crazy Talk!............237 Men of Science................104 More Crazy Talk..............337 vii The Future ......................346 SOMETHING STOOPID Freedom And Liberty......350 Duh! ..................................23 It’s About Time................368 Say What?..........................60 Smart Quotes ..................374 Tip Of The Slongue ..........93 Deep Thoughts................379 You Ain’t Got It, Kid......182 Hope For The Future ......399 You Ain’t Got It, Kid......249 Mixed Metaphors............299 FOLLOW THE LEADER Lame Excuses ..................313 The Presidency..................39 More Lame Excuses ........363 Ah-h-nold..........................56 Just Plain Dumb ..............375 On Arnold ........................57 Don’t Know Much About The Sage of Monticello ....62 Geography........................390 Taking Pot Shots At The President ..........63 PUBLIC LIVES War Is Hell........................72 Quotes and Their Sure-fire Safire ..................77 Consequences ................37 Politicians........................152 Super Egos..........................55 James Madison ................164 You Like Me! You War Is Hell......................170 Really Like Me!..............69 On Democracy ................177 When Celebrities Founders’ Wisdom ..........183 Attack..........................105 The Presidents Speak ....204 Celebrity Blowhards........112 Dubya-isms ......................214 Downers ..........................113 Take That, You Like Me! You Conservatives!..............258 Really Like Me!............121 Take That, Liberals!........259 Speak Your Mind ............142 Oh. Jackie........................274 You Like Me! You Action, Jackson ..............301 Really Like Me!............168 Bobby And JFK................314 Big Mouths......................220 Liberals And The Price of Fame............229 Conservatives ..............323 Levant Garde ..................254 Govspeak..........................324 When Celebrities Congressional Follies ......336 Attack..........................265 The Great Quotes And Their Communicator ............348 Consequences ..............276 Poli-Talks ........................376 The Price of Fame............280 Dialogues With Celebrity Blowhards........302 World Leaders..............377 Celebrity Kids Speak ......325 Give ‘Em Hell, Harry......393 Silver Screen Divas..........333 viii Success!............................341 THAT’S DEATH Mae West ........................344 Epitaphs..............................25 When Celebrities Epitaphs..............................73 Attack..........................378 That’s Death....................118 Celebrity Secrets..............388 Epitaphs............................128 Killer Quotes....................188 THE BIG SCREEN Epitaphs............................189 Reel Funny ........................24 Celebrity Tombstones......255 Reel Stupid........................42 Dead Rockers ..................279 There’s No Place Last Words ......................356 Like Home’ ....................64 Celebrity Tombstones......389 Reel Funny ......................127 Reel Witty........................166 THAT’S LIFE Reel Wise ........................191 What Is Life?......................31 Here’s Lookin’ At Glass Half-Empty… ..........58 You, Kid........................216 …Glass Half-Full ..............59 It Came From Murphy’s Other Laws......125 Outer Space..................252 On The Job......................155 Directors on Directing ....290 Aging................................165 Acting 101 ......................291 The Middle Ages ............201 “Use The Force, Luke!” ..358 More on Aging................212 Actors On Acting............366 Kid Stuff ..........................213 Reel Love ........................387 Lucille Ball on Aging......224 Groovy, Baby!..................394 Life Sucks ........................286 Cheer Up, It Could THE SMALL SCREEN Be Worse......................287 Primetime Proverbs............33 Live And Learn................295 On The Air........................67 The Big 5-0......................382 SNL News........................100 The Art of Living............384 Beam Me Up, Scotty ......141 Television Insults ............178 LOOKIN’ GOOD SNL News........................228 Bald to the Bone................16 Simon Says......................250 The Naked Truth ............154 The Boob Tube................306 Why Weight? ..................244 Pappy Maverick ..............311 From the Mouths Come On Down! ............332 of Babes........................267 Primetime Proverbs..........353 Plastic Surgery..................282 Hollywood Squares..........364 No Sweat?........................319 Reality Bites ....................381 Fashion Statements..........335 SNL Classics....................395 ix From the Mouths Fractured Phrases ............223 of Babes........................391 Fractured Phrases ............304 Making Up Words ..........312 TOON TIME Chiasmus..........................331 Homer Rules....................114 Fractured Phrases ............340 Charlie Brown, Insomniac143 Fractured Phrases ............369 Cartoon Comedy ............289 Good Grief! ....................300 WORDSMITHS More Cartoon Comedy....347 Voltaire..............................27 Mr. Burns ........................392 Wilde Man ........................36 Writers On Writing ..........82 WHO SAID IT? Novel Thinking ................83 Supposedly Said ..............122 Right on the Mark ..........120 Dolly or Dali? ..................145 On Shakespeare ..............124 Me, Me, Me ....................175 Writers On Writing ........146 Never The Twain The Importance of Shall Meet....................207 Being Earnest ..............186 If…Then..........................308 Ever Heard Of Anonymous Who? ..........315 John Heywood..............187 Novel Thinking ..............209 WORDPLAY Oh, Pshaw!......................217 Writers On Writing ........226 It’s Like…a Simile ............22 Mencken’s Musings..........330 Fractured Phrases ..............52 Politically Correct Speak..88 Fractured Phrases ..............89 Pun-ishment....................135 It’s Like…A Simile..........138 * * * OOPS! “Your food stamps will be stopped effective March, 1992, because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.” —A letter sent out by the South Carolina Dept. of Social Services