Project Gutenberg's Thrills of a Bell Boy, by Samuel Ellsworth Kiser This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. Title: Thrills of a Bell Boy Author: Samuel Ellsworth Kiser Illustrator: John Tinney McCutcheon Release Date: March 18, 2018 [EBook #56783] Language: English Character set encoding: UTF-8 *** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THRILLS OF A BELL BOY *** Produced by ellinora,, Barry Abrahamsen, and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was produced from images generously made available by The Internet Archive/American Libraries.) THRILLS OF A BELL BOY THRILLS OF A BELL BOY By Samuel Ellsworth Kiser Author of “Love Sonnets of an Office Boy,” “Ballads of the Busy Days,” etc. Illustrated by John T. McCutcheon Chicago Forbes & Company 1906 Copyright, 1904 By the Saturday Evening Post Copyright, 1906 By Forbes & Company Colonial Press: Electrotyped and Printed by C. H. Simonds & Co., Boston, U. S. A. THRILLS OF A BELL BOY I. GEE! There’s a call from seven-forty-eight— That’s Miss Le Claire; she wants some ice, I’ll bet; She stars in “Mrs. Middleton’s Regret.” And when you mention peaches—say, she’s great! If I could marry her I guess I’d hate To have to do it—nit! I’d go and get A plug hat and a fur-trimmed coat and let The guy that’s managin’ her, pay the freight. They say she gets a hundred dollars per; I’d like to draw that much a year or two. They’d know I’d been around when I got through. I wish the dude that comes here after her Was in my place and me in his—I’d stir Things up around this town. I wouldn’t do A thing but buy her everything I knew She didn’t have but might be wishin’ fer. She rung fer me to get some stamps, and when I took them up she says, “Just wait a bit.” She put one on a note and handed it To me to mail—and he come in just then And grabbed the thing—I’ve heard of crazy men, And I know when it’s up to me to quit: She had him goin’ groggy when I lit, But, blame the luck, they’ve made it up again. II. IF I could have my choice I wouldn’t be The main guy of a kingdom—nix fer me. I’d only wish that I could be as great As one of these gay boys from up the State Imagines that we think he is when he Tilts back his hat and lights his cigarette And does the pouter-pigeon act; I’d let Them have their thrones if I could be as grand As these boys think they are when they “run down” On business trips and let their chests expand And act as though they’d come to buy the town. The minute one of them gets in he shies Around the telegraph girl, makin’ eyes And wantin’ to know what it costs to send Ten words to Saugatuck or Brady’s Bend, Or dictates to the shorthand girl and tries To make her think he’s Mike from Up-the-Crick— It’s easy work to spot these Johnnies quick: They try to mash the chambermaids up-stairs, And buzz the news-stand lady, and I s’pose They think that we all think they’re millionaires— Hello! There that sweet little actress goes. III. IWENT to see the show last night, the one She’s playing in, you know, but all the fun I thought I’d have was spoiled, confound the luck, I bought a forty-cent bouquet to chuck Down at her when the second act was done. I got a seat in front, all right, and, oh! How grand she looked away down there below! I thought of angels every time she’d look Up at the gallery—but when I let My flowers tumble down the villain took And give them to the putty-faced soubrette! I wish I was the hero of the play She’s actin’ in and had the chance to lay Her head agin my buzzom every night And knock the villain down and hold her tight— I wouldn’t ask to have a cent of pay. And when she’d look up at me sweet and proud I’d feel so glad I’d have to yell out loud: I’ll bet the knock I give the villain when I come to rescue her would make him grunt. And when she wound her arms around me, then— Oh, blame it, there’s Old Morton howlin’ “Front!” IV. IDON’T feel like I used to feel no more; It seems as though I’d like to go away From where the racket’s goin’ on all day, And have her with me there, and she’d be sore At that rich dude who meets her at the door Back by the stage when she’s got through the play: I wish that she’d get sweet on me and say She never knew what lovin’ was before. I’ve got a tooth-brush now, and every night I wash my neck and ears: I don’t intend To chew tobacco any more, nor spend My change fer cigarettes; her teeth are white, And if she seen that mine were, too, she might Be liable to love me. Every time She looks at me it kind of seems that I’m All full of something tickel-ish and light. I’d like it if I knew some way to make My ears stay closer to my head and not Stick out the way they do, as though they’d got Unfastened and hung loose. I wish I’d wake To-morrow so good-lookin’ it would break Her heart unless I’d take her on the spot; And I could lick that dude if he got hot And made rough house when she’d give him the shake. If I could go away with her to where There wasn’t anybody else at all, And we could set around all day or loll Beside the cricks and never have to care When bells would ring, and all around us there The posies would be growin’ sweet and tall, I’d never mind if it was spring or fall— But still I s’pose she couldn’t live on air. V. ITHINK I’ll chuck this job and go and try To be a supe with her, and by and by Get speakin’ parts to play, and then—who knows?— Be leadin’ man, at last, and wear dude clo’s. I’d drink champagne whenever I was dry, And have a chance to travel up and down Around the country, seein’ every town, And after every act they’d call fer me; All week I’d only work two afternoons, And nearly everywhere I went I’d see My picture in the windows of saloons. I’d have a stage name that was grand to hear— I think I’d make it Reginald De Vere— Gee! Wouldn’t that loom up great on the bills? They’d never know they cheered fer Eddie Mills When I would get the signal to appear. I’d give her all the beautiful bouquets The girls would send to me at matinées, And when the show was over crowds would stand Outside to watch fer me and her and stare When we come out, and I would take her hand And lead her to our carriage, waitin’ there. VI. IWENT up-stairs, this morning, when she rung— I guess she must of just got out of bed— It seemed to me her nose looked kind of red; They was a little wad of hair that hung Down in a pigtail on her back; she brung A telegram out to the door, and said: “Well, get a move—good Heavens, are you dead?” Somehow she didn’t seem to look so young. I can’t help kind of wonderin’ to-day What made her look so queer; it seems as though There’s something that is gone. I’d like to know If all the ones that’s beautiful when they Get on their riggin’ and are fixed up gay Ain’t much but framework when they’ve gone at night And safely locked themselves in out of sight And laid what ain’t growed on to them away. When me and Mike, the porter, were alone I got to tellin’ him about my thoughts— Mike’s had two wives, and so, of course, knows lots. He told me in a kind of sollum tone: “Me boy, a woman cr-rathure’s like a shtone— At laste some women ar-re—Whin dr-ressed they’re foine, But whin they ain’t ye’ll ha-ardly see a soign Av beauty that ye’d ta-ake to be their own.” VII. IT’S all off now. She’s gone out West somewhere — The papers say to South Dakota—there She’s got things fixed to get divorced, they claim. It seems that Mrs. Pickleham’s her name In private life, instead of Miss Le Claire. Her father runs a dray in Buffalo, That’s what the papers say: I s’pose they know. I wonder why it always has to be That everything you think is great before You know about it, when you get to see Just how it is don’t seem so grand no more? I wish I had the forty cents I blew To get the bunch of posies what I threw At her that night. I had to gasp almost Whenever she’d look up. Gee! What a roast The boys would give me fer it if they knew. But still there ain’t no use of feelin’ bad; I got my money’s worth, fer I was glad, And every minute that you’re feelin’ gay About a thing that never can come true Is something that’ll not get took away; It’s in your system and belongs to you. VIII. THEY’VE give us a new operator here To take the telegrams; she’s pretty near A daisy, too. Her eyes are big and brown; And when she sets there kind of lookin’ down, As though she didn’t notice things, it’s queer The way I get to wishin’ I could go And save her from the clutches of some foe. She makes me feel as though I’d like to be A handsome man, about six foot, and strong, To take her in my arms and let her see That I was here protectin’ her from wrong. The other day I talked to her a while: It seemed as though whenever she would smile I’d have a goneish feelin’ in my breast. She’d be a peach, no matter how she dressed, She’s got the other girls here beat a mile. The red that’s on her cheeks ain’t painted there, And she ain’t wearin’ no dead woman’s hair: I don’t blame homely women if they try To make themselves look fine, fer good looks pay— But hers is not the kind that they can buy— The beauty that she’s got grew there to stay. IX. ONCE, when her instrument was workin’ bad She jerked the thing and hit it with her fist And nearly broke her round, soft little wrist— I never s’posed that she could get so mad. When I told ma it seemed to make her glad. She says a girl that looks as nice as pie Sometimes has awful thoughts: I wonder why Ma’s always knockin’ so? It makes me sad. X. SOME people make me sick. They act as though They’d leased this hemisphere. See that boy there, The way he tilts his head up in the air And struts around so everybody’ll know He’s cut his second teeth. Now watch him go And ask about the telegrams. I’ll bet Nobody ever telegraphed him yet, Or if they did it’s comin’ mighty slow. When she was operatin’ yesterday He leaned against the railin’, lookin’ wise And spoilin’ blanks and makin’ goo-goo eyes. I wish he’d pay his bill and go away, Or that she’d slap his face for gettin’ gay. When fellows hang around a girl to buzz Her hours at a time the way he does I wonder how they think of things to say? Mike says he never seen a woman yet That hated men fer showin’ them they’d like To take them in their lovin’ arms and hike Away to where nobody else could get. Mike says it doesn’t seem to make them fret When men get gone on them—I guess I’ll strike Out bold, because it must be so, fer Mike He’s had two wives, and knows a lot, you bet. There goes that dude again, confound the luck! I wish he’d get a telegram that said Some chap was comin’ here to punch his head, And he’d fergit how sweet she was, and duck: Mike says that when a fellow shows he’s struck A woman hardly ever raises Ned Or seems to get to wishin’ she was dead— Gee whiz! he’s went and give her chin a chuck. XI. THE Johnny’s went away that got so brash; I let his blamed old satchel fall and smash When him and me was goin’ out the door; His razor and his brush rolled on the floor, Mixed with his nightshirt and some other trash. He’d just smiled back at her and raised his lid; I’d hate to get let down the way he did: She laughed, and all the rest let out a whoop— I never seen a guy so mad before; He got his things together with a swoop— I guess he’ll never be our guest no more. I s’pose I lost a tip, but I don’t care, I’d rather have the chance fer gettin’ square; What good is havin’ money, anyway, If havin’ it don’t keep you feelin’ gay Nor make you push your chest out in the air? I snuck away, out by the barber shop, And laughed so hard I couldn’t seem to stop: Mike says that every laugh you ever laugh Is something that you’re richer fer, and so I gained about eight dollars and a half— They called me down and nearly bounced me, though. XII. IF I would get to be a millionaire And didn’t have to work or anything, I’d go and buy a dimun’ stud and ring And open up a swell hotel somewhere And be head clerk myself, and have my hair All curled and fixed like Morton’s is, and fling On agony as though I’d be a king And had a throne behind the counter there. The guy that owns this joint ain’t got no style: He wears his whiskers down around his neck: I’ll bet that I’d have shiners by the peck If I was in his place and had his pile. When guests come in he don’t put on a smile And get to lookin’ chesty and say “Front” As though he owned the earth: he leaves that stunt Fer Morton, who can beat him out a mile. XIII. IWISH somebody’d kick me through a fence; I must be gettin’ dotty; I’m so dense I couldn’t see half through an iron gate; Why, any one could string me while you wait; No wonder Morton says I’m shy of sense. A man arrived here yesterday forenoon Who seemed to be a fighter, and as soon As ever I had spotted him I flew And grabbed his satchel and got useful. Say, His clo’s were great, he had on dimun’s, too— I picked him fer a winner right away. It wasn’t tips I thought of, understand: I hoped that mebby I could touch his hand; I brought him pens and ink and things and stood Around to be as useful as I could And let him see I thought that he was grand. I’d like to bump my head against a wall, Because he ain’t a pugilist at all. I’ll bet he never even seen a ring; He’s just an author that is writin’ books: That shows that you can never tell a thing About how great a man is by his looks. XIV. IWISH some day there’d be a lawyer come And say I’d got a fortune left by some Rich relative I didn’t know I had; The ones that’s kiddin’ now would soon be sad, You’d see old Morton lookin’ pretty glum. I’d buy this place and fire him so quick The tumble that he got would make him sick; And then I’d get the bridal-chamber key, And take the little operator there, And ask her how she’d like to marry me And let some other girl hold down her chair. I wish my hair would get to turnin’ gray, And ma would suddenly find out some day That I was ten years older than she thunk, And I would grow six inches while you wunk. But what’s the use of wishin’, anyway? Mike says nobody ever caught a fish By simply settin’ down somewhere to wish; He claims if all our wishes would come true We’d none of us be happy any more, Fer every day we’d all be feelin’ blue Because we wished fool things the day before. XV. THE news-stand lady’s got a steady beau; He comes each night at six o’clock or so, And when they leave he takes her by the arm, As though he thought she might get into harm, Or slip on something smooth, or stub her toe. Mike says he’d let his mother get along Without an arm to hang to that was strong, And never seem to think she might get hurt By bein’ bumped, and never fret at all If she would put her foot down in the dirt, And never be afraid that she would fall. I wonder why a fellow’s mother tries To make you think that every man that’s wise Steers clear of all the girls? I wonder why A fellow’s mother thinks they’re mean and sly And hardly fit to look you in the eyes? Ma thinks the operator here has planned To hook the first poor chap that she can land; And one night, when I got to tellin’ ma How sweet she was—I mean the operator— The more I tried to praise her up I saw The more it kind of seemed to make ma hate ’er. Ma says they’re all a schemin’ lot, who fix Themselves up nice to fool the Toms and Dicks And Harrys that don’t know enough to run: You’d think, to hear her talk, that all they done Was try to catch the boys by foxy tricks. I don’t see why ma runs them down that way; She used to be a girl herself, one day. Mike says that when a woman’s married, though, She never wants the rest that ain’t been took To ever stand a chance or have a show To ever get a nibble at the hook. XVI. THE other day we had excitement here; The news-stand caught afire, and I thought I’d be heroic Johnny-on-the-spot; I grabbed the operator, yellin’: “Dear, I’m here to save your life, so never fear.” But just about that time I felt a swat, And there was lots of things that I fergot While Morton dragged me with him by the ear. They’d doused the blaze before it got a start, And I’d fergot our fire-drill, you see, That’s what made Morton come and jump on me— He nearly tore my head and ear apart— That Alexander’s too dumnation smart. They’re all a-kiddin’ me fer what I done, And she looks on and seems to think it’s fun Confound it! that’s What nearly breaks my heart. XVII.