“In Think Confident, Be Confident for Teens, Fox and Sokol address a common developmental problem, low self-esteem, in a very vulnerable group, teenagers. Using a number of case vignettes, the authors draw readers into the process to help them build a sense of personal efficacy and believe that they can do what they need to do. After following the exercises in this workbook, it would be difficult for teen readers to continue to feel badly about themselves. This is an essential book for parents, teachers, and, of course, teens.” —Art Freeman, faculty in the department of behavioral medicine at Midwestern University “Growing as a teen means giving yourself the tools to succeed in life. This book is like your personal toolbox. Read it and carry it with you on your personal road to success.” —William Sears, MD, pediatrician and author of The Successful Child “No one should travel through adolescence alone! Marci Fox and Leslie Sokol ensure this is not the case by offering Think Confident, Be Confident for Teens, a user-friendly coping- skills manual, as an essential companion on the journey. Fox and Sokol score with a workbook that is finely tailored to suit the needs of teenagers who are working to overcome their self-doubt, fragile self-esteem, perfectionism, painful self-consciousness, and avoidance.” —Robert D. Friedberg, PhD, ABPP, ACT, associate director of clinical training at the Pacific Graduate School of Professional Psychology at Palo Alto University “Think Confident, Be Confident for Teens is an outstanding addition to the self-help literature for adolescents. Fox and Sokol have translated the powerful tools of cognitive behavioral therapy into a readable and relevant manual. Common dilemmas that teens face serve as illustrations and bring to life principles that can help young readers through a challenging and pivotal stage of development.” —Donna M. Sudak, MD, ACT, founding fellow of the Academy of Cognitive Therapy and president of the Academy of Cognitive Therapy “Adolescence is often characterized by severe self-doubt and worry that can create significant distress for teenagers and their families and negatively impact academic, social, and emotional functioning. Are these extreme reactions an inevitable part of the teenage transition? No! Sokol and Fox show how adolescence can be the foundation for a lifetime of self-confidence.” —Dennis Greenberger, PhD, coauthor of Mind Over Mood “Being a teen can be tough. From stresses at home or at school to problems with friends, sometimes it can feel like it’s just too much. Self-doubt can creep in, leading to feelings of anxiety, worry, frustration, and sadness. There’s good news, though. Based on the latest science and strategies that really work, Think Confident, Be Confident for Teens offers simple, useful tips that will put you on a confident path and help you see yourself in a positive, realistic light. This quick-read book can help you handle whatever comes your way.” —Mark A. Reinecke, PhD, ABPP, ACT, professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at Northwestern University’s Feinberg School of Medicine “Adolescence can be a time when self-reflection and newly developed thinking styles can be a challenge. Following the lead of cognitive theory, Think Confident, Be Confident for Teens guides the adolescent reader though experiences and activities that will shape a healthy and more confident thinking style. A valuable resource for teens, with potential to prevent unwanted emotional turmoil.” —Philip C. Kendall, PhD, ABPP, distinguished university professor and Laura H. Carnell Professor of Psychology at Temple University “Think Confident, Be Confident for Teens is a practical, clear, and powerful guide young people can use to boost their confidence and face the inevitable obstacles of life. Filled with forms, examples, and empowering guidelines, this book will give teens the tools to take on the challenges of life.” —Robert L. Leahy, PhD, director of the American Institute for Cognitive Therapy and author of Beat the Blues Before They Beat You, The Worry Cure, and Anxiety Free “In an ideal world, Think Confident, Be Confident for Teens would be required reading in high school and college curricula. Speaking directly to teens on matters that concern them most, Fox and Sokol succeed in offering evidence-based ways teens can reduce their social self-consciousness, improve their outlook on themselves and their lives, and be more confident and effective in handling the sorts of stresses that teens know all too well. Adolescents suffering from that common malady known as insecurity will benefit significantly from learning the lessons taught by this valuable book.” —Cory F. Newman, PhD, ABPP, professor of psychology in psychiatry and director of the Center for Cognitive Therapy at the University of Pennsylvania Publisher’s Note This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering psychological, financial, legal, or other professional services. If expert assistance or counseling is needed, the services of a competent professional should be sought. Distributed in Canada by Raincoast Books Copyright © 2011 by Marci G. Fox & Leslie Sokol New Harbinger Publications, Inc. 5674 Shattuck Avenue Oakland, CA 94609 www.newharbinger.com Cover design by Amy Shoup; Acquired by Tesilya Hanauer; Edited by Clancy Drake All Rights Reserved Printed in the United States of America Library of Congress Cataloging in Publication Data Fox, Marci G. Think confident, be confident for teens : a cognitive therapy guide to overcoming self-doubt and creating unshakable self-esteem / Marci G. Fox and Leslie Sokol ; foreword by Aaron T. Beck and Judith S. Beck. p. cm. ISBN 978-1-60882-113-6 (pbk.) -- ISBN 978-1-60882-114-3 (pdf e-book) -- ISBN 978-1-60882-115-0 (epub) 1. Self-esteem in adolescence. 2. Self-confidence in adolescence. 3. Self-perception in adolescence. 4. Teenagers--Conduct of life. I. Sokol, Leslie. II. Title. BF724.3.S36F69 2011 155.5’19--dc23 2011027078 To our children, Jesse, Ethan, Carly, Chad, Alex, and Max, with love Contents FOREWORD ACKNOWLEDGMENT INTRODUCTION 1. WHAT’S GOING ON? UNDERSTANDING SELF-DOUBT AND THE CONFIDENCE MINDSET 2. WHAT ARE YOU THINKING? CAPTURING AND ANALYZING THE THOUGHTS THAT BRING YOU DOWN 3. DO THE RIGHT THING: TURNING SOUND THINKING INTO CONFIDENT ACTION 4. TEEN STORIES: SOCIAL LIFE, FRIENDSHIP, AND ROMANCE 5. TEEN STORIES: SCHOOL, SPORTS, THE ARTS, AND ON THE JOB 6. TEEN STORIES: HOME LIFE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS 7. TEEN STORIES: TOUGH STUFF—PEER PRESSURE, TROUBLE, AND TRAGEDY 8. BUILDING UNSHAKEABLE SELF-CONFIDENCE 167 ABOUT THE AUTHORS Foreword Adolescence is a confusing and unsettling stage of life for many people, as they struggle to figure out who they are, what their place in the world is, and how they should relate to others. Teenagers often focus intensely on how they believe other people—especially their peers—perceive them, and they frequently err in their assessments. If their perceptions are distorted, a cognitive approach can be quite useful in helping them correct their ideas and conclusions, allowing them to see reality more clearly. If a typical teen, for example, is excluded from a party, her immediate thought is, My friends don’t like me. A cognitive approach can help her in several ways. One, she can look for evidence that seems to support or contradict this idea. Have her friends, or some of them at least, done other things that make her think they don’t like her? Have they showed her in different ways that they do like her? Two, the teen can look to see whether there are other likely explanations for why she might have been excluded. Three, she can decatastrophize the experience by asking herself, If it turns out they don’t like me, how can I cope? What can I do? She can also consider the best outcome of the situation as well as the most realistic outcome. Four, she can assess the impact of telling herself that her friends don’t like her and the impact of changing her thinking. Five, she can reflect on the advice she would offer someone else who was in this situation and had this thought. And, six, she can do problem solving, asking herself what it would be helpful for her to do, now and in the long run. Whether or not her initial thought is valid, this teen will feel distressed if she overgeneralizes from this one situation, because it will affect her self-esteem and self-confidence. If she believes at heart that she is a likeable person, this situation may lead her to feel temporarily annoyed, hurt, or unhappy, but it will not change her basic view of herself. On the other hand, if she doubts her likeability, she may jump from My friends don’t like me to No one really likes me to I’m unlikeable. Cognitive techniques can help her evaluate these conclusions as well. This book, written by our two excellent colleagues, helps teens who may continually misinterpret situations and interactions and then see themselves in unrealistically negative ways. If only all adolescents were taught to identify their thoughts (especially the thoughts about themselves) that lead to distress, to recognize that their thoughts are ideas and not necessarily truths, to evaluate their thoughts, and to respond effectively to them. There would be far less emotional angst and dysfunction in adolescents and far greater opportunities to weather the usual storms of adolescence with equanimity. —Aaron T. Beck, MD, president, Beck Institute for Cognitive Behavior Therapy and university professor emeritus, University of Pennsylvania —Judith S. Beck, PhD, president, Beck Institute for Cognitive Behavior Therapy and clinical associate professor of psychology in psychiatry, University of Pennsylvania Acknowledgments We owe a gigantic thank you to our terrific children. Jesse, Ethan, and Carly Fox, thank you for your unflagging support and enthusiasm. Chad, Alex, and Max Detweiler, thank you for sharing your personal stories and supplying us with a constant source of editorial help with technical language and expressions. A special thank you goes out to all of their classmates and friends from Germantown Academy who shared their struggles, insights, and innermost thoughts and feelings. Our biggest thank yous go to our amazing husbands, Stu and Bob, who held down the fort so we could devote the time to writing this book. We are so lucky to have you in our lives. We also want to thank other family members and friends for generously lending their expertise and support, including Jodi Sokol, Liane Browne, and Doris Schwartz, for their fastidious technical editing; Marvin S. Gittes for his legal expertise; and Margaret Gittes, Stephen Schwartz, Geri and James Davis, Alvin and Esther Fox, Mark Likness, Marc Sokol, and Phyllis and Arnold Sokol. We are extremely appreciative of our brilliant colleagues Cory Newman and Emily Becker-Weidman, and thank them for their positive feedback, encouragement, and useful editorial comments. Thank you to Julie Snow Reagan and Brian Keenaghan for always being there with technical support. We also feel so fortunate to have Anne Marie O’Farrell as our agent. Thanks for always being there, believing in us, and fighting for us. Thank you to our talented team of editors, Tesilya Hanauer, Jess Beebe, and Nicola Skidmore, for all the time, energy, and hard work you put into helping shape this book to be even better. Sincere gratitude to Clancy Drake for expertly and carefully polishing our work. You’re so talented. Thanks to Leslie Davis Guccione, our teen whisperer. You are an amazing person and editor. And we could not write this or any book without recognizing our debt to the father of cognitive therapy, Aaron T. Beck, whose work has inspired so many of us. We would like our patients and supervisees to know that they are our greatest inspiration. We greatly value what we learn from you: thank you for letting us help you grow your skills and self- confidence. Introduction “The greatest discovery of all time is that a person can change his future by merely changing his attitude.” —Oprah Winfrey Confidence is one of the keys to success. If you have confidence, it means you believe in yourself— you know you have the brains, skills, talent, and know-how to get what you need and to handle whatever life throws at you. Unlike cockiness, which is an exaggerated view of oneself not based in reality, confidence gives you the real deal: an accurate mental picture of your strengths as well as the courage to ask for help, seek out the information you need, or acquire the skills you don’t have. By learning how to generate confidence, you can unleash the incredible power of your own natural energy and, within reason, you can achieve practically anything you put your mind to. This book will teach you how to conquer confidence’s greatest opponent: doubt. Doubt— specifically self-doubt—weakens self-confidence. When you have self-doubt, you think you’re in trouble when you’re not, or think you can’t handle things when you can. Self-doubt is the enemy in your head telling you that you fall short, that you will be rejected, or that you are a “failure.” This is the same voice that tells you that you are not being the “right” kind of friend or person, or that you are not “good enough” in hobbies, sports, or academics. Self-doubt unnecessarily drains your energy and leads you away from achieving your goals, such as happiness in your personal and social life and success in your athletic endeavors, your creative pursuits, and your efforts at school and at your job, if you have one. Negative thoughts driven by self-doubt put needless obstacles in your path. Self-doubt has a significant impact on your moods and actions, on the way you feel in your body, and on your motivation. It leads you to believe you lack intelligence, abilities, or skills even when the evidence shows otherwise. When you doubt yourself, you focus on your perceived weaknesses and don’t fully consider your strengths. You unknowingly make things harder on yourself. You get in your own way. There’s good news. Self-doubt can be defeated. In this book we’ll teach you how to get off the path of doubt and walk firmly on the path of confidence. With confidence, you’ll feel better about yourself and experience all the rewards that go with these positive feelings. We’ll show you how to retrain your brain based on the principles of cognitive therapy. Through this new system of thinking, you will develop and strengthen what we call your confidence mindset. A confidence mindset allows you to have both the most positive and the most accurate view of yourself and any given situation. Giving yourself the credit you have earned and going after what you want are signs of confidence. When you acknowledge your shortcomings and appreciate your strengths, you can free yourself from doubt and insecurity and your confidence will soar. Our program helps you weaken and eventually erase the opposite of the confidence mindset: the self-doubt mindset, which involves seeing yourself in a negatively biased and inaccurate way. We’ll show you how to put yourself on an even playing field with everyone else so that you stop ignoring or minimizing your assets and strengths, second-guessing and criticizing yourself, and getting paralyzed when you’re trying to come up with a plan of action or a decision. How Cognitive Therapy Concepts Can Help