001 Table of Contents Title Page Dedication Copyright Page Chapter 1 - The Return of Mrs. Brisbane Chapter 2 - Night Life Chapter 3 - The Two Faces of Mrs. Brisbane Chapter 4 - The Most Important Man in the World Chapter 5 - Plans Are Hatched Chapter 6 - Moonlight Madness Chapter 7 - Sayeh Speaks Up Chapter 8 - Tricks and Treats Chapter 9 - The Art of Self-Defense Chapter 10 - Garth Versus A.J. Chapter 11 - TV or Not TV Chapter 12 - Peace Breaks Out Chapter 13 - Thanks but No Thanks Chapter 14 - Hide-and-Go-Squeak Chapter 15 - Happy Hamsterday Humphrey’s Guide to the Care and Feeding of Humans To my husband, Frank who has been to Brazil, knows all the state capitals and can balance a broom on one finger. PUFFIN BOOKS Published by the Penguin Group Penguin Young Readers Group, 345 Hudson Street, New York, New York 10014, U.S.A. Penguin Group (Canada), 10 Alcorn Avenue, Toronto, Ontario, Canada M4V 3B2 (a division of Pearson Penguin Canada Inc.) Penguin Books Ltd, 80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England Penguin Ireland, 25 St Stephen’s Green, Dublin 2, Ireland (a division of Penguin Books Ltd) Penguin Group (Australia), 250 Camberwell Road, Camberwell, Victoria 3124, Australia (a division of Pearson Australia Group Pty Ltd) Penguin Books India Pvt Ltd, 11 Community Centre, Panchsheel Park, New Delhi - 110 017, India Penguin Group (NZ), Cnr Airborne and Rosedale Roads, Albany, Auckland 1310, New Zealand (a division of Pearson New Zealand Ltd) Penguin Books (South Africa) (Pty) Ltd, 24 Sturdee Avenue, Rosebank, Johannesburg 2196, South Africa Registered Offices: Penguin Books Ltd, 80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England First published in the United States of America by G. P. Putnam’s Sons, a division of Penguin Young Readers Group, 2004 Published by Puffin Books, a division of Penguin Young Readers Group, 2005 Copyright © Betty G. Birney, 2004 All rights reserved THE LIBRARY OF CONGRESS HAS CATALOGED THE G. P. PUTNAM’S SONS EDITION AS FOLLOWS: Birney, Betty G. The world according to Humphrey / Betty G. Birney. p. cm. Summary: Humphrey, pet hamster at Longfellow School, learns that he has an important role to play in helping his classmates and teacher. [1. Hamsters—Fiction. 2. Schools—Fiction.] I. Title. PZ7.B5229Wo 2004 [Fic]—dc21 2003005974 eISBN : 978-1-101-10010-3 http://us.penguingroup.com 1 The Return of Mrs. Brisbane Today was the worst day of my life. Ms. Mac left Room 26 of Longfellow School. For good. And that’s bad. Worse yet, Mrs. Brisbane came back. Until today, I didn’t even know there was a Mrs. Brisbane. Lucky me. Now I want to know: What was Ms. Mac thinking? She must have known that soon she’d be leaving without me. And that Mrs. Brisbane would come back to Room 26 and I’d be stuck with her. I still like—okay, love—Ms. Mac more than any human or hamster on earth, but what was she thinking? “You can learn a lot about yourself by taking care of another species,” she told me on the way home the day she got me. “You’ll teach those kids a thing or two.” That’s what she was thinking. I don’t think she was thinking very clearly. I’m never going to squeak to her again. Of course, I’ll probably never see her again because she’s GONE-GONE-GONE—but if she comes back, I’m not even going to look at her. (I know that last sentence doesn’t make sense. It’s hard to make sense when your heart is broken.) On the other hand, until Ms. Mac arrived, I was going nowhere down at Pet-O-Rama. My days were spent sitting around, looking at a bunch of furry things in cages just like mine. We were treated all right: regular meals, clean cages, music piped in all day. Over the music, Carl, the store clerk, would answer the phone: “Open nine to nine, seven days a week. Corner of Fifth and Alder, next to the Dairy Maid.” Back then, I feared I’d never see Fifth and Alder, much less the Dairy Maid. Sometimes I’d see human eyes and noses (not always as clean as they should be)