The Visual Guide to Penis Size A fun, unique, and outrageously comprehensive analysis of the world’s most interesting body part By Brad Darby THE VISUAL GUIDE TO PENIS SIZE By Brad Darby Copyright © 2017 Brad Darby www.JackedJohnson.com All rights reserved Published by Munson Media First Edition Title Page Design by Brad Darby Interior Book Illustrations by Brad Darby This book is not a substitute for the medical advice of physicians. I am not a doctor although I pretended to be one on Halloween in 2008 and 2011. The reader should regularly consult a physician in any matters relating to their health, especially with respect to any symptoms that may require diagnosis or medical attention. Although the author and publisher have made every effort to ensure that the information in this book was correct at press time, the author and publisher do not assume and hereby disclaim any liability to any party for any loss, damage, or disruption caused by errors or omissions, whether such errors or omissions result from negligence, accident, or any other cause. Table of Contents Start: Professor Ron Jeremy and Mr. Snuffleupagus Part I: The State of the Johnson Loch Ness Johnson How to Measure a Johnson Part II: The Erect Johnson Blowing Up the 6 Inch Assumption: Erect Johnson Length The Underrated Dimension: Erect Johnson Girth Bananas, Soda Cans and Sushi 3D Johnson Part III: The Flaccid Johnson The Protean Penis: Flaccid Length We’re all the same: Flaccid Circumference Fully Flaccid Part IV: Johnson Growth Dr. Johnson and Mr. Jacked The Legends of Growers and Showers Part V: Microjohnson How small is too small? Defining the Micropenis Bonus Chapter Total Johnson Recall: The Female Recall Ability of Male Johnson Size End Table of Figures References Glossary of Terms Before we get started, it’s important to get familiar with a few terms you’ll see repeated in the book. Yes, there’s a bit of statistical analysis, but it’s very basic and should be easily digestible for readers with no statistics background or if you just plain hate math. There’s also a tonne of charts and pictures, so if you dislike reading and words too, I’ve got you covered. Johnson (noun): popular nickname or euphemism for penis; part of the group of proper names used as nicknames for the male penis such as Willie, Dick, Rod, Peter, Wang, Woody, Frank, Jimmy, Percy, Goodfellow, Schwartz, Juan and Kojak. The term ‘johnson’ will be used interchangeably with penis for the duration of the book. Love Tunnel: euphemism for vagina. Silk Igloo: euphemism for vagina. Pink Fortress: euphemism for vagina. Spasm Chasm: euphemism for vagina. Mean: the average value of a group of values. Standard Deviation: a measure of the variability of a set of values relative to its mean. If a group penis length data has a mean of 6 inches and a standard deviation of 5 inches, this would imply that the dataset has a lot of variability. If another group of penis length data has a mean of 30 inches and a standard deviation of 5 inches, this group has comparatively much less variability since the standard deviation number is much lower than the mean. Statistical Significance: statistics’ version of the law’s “beyond a reasonable doubt.” Statistical significance is achieved when the uncertainty surrounding the results of a statistical test is below a predetermined threshold. Statistical tests are kind of like presenting evidence in a court case. If you don’t have a lot of individual pieces of evidence, what you do present better be really compelling; like finding a glove at the scene of a double murder with both victims blood on it and the matching other glove also covered in the victims’ blood at the accused’s house…wait! Nevermind…bad example. Circumference, Girth, Width: used interchangeably in this book when referring to the distance around a circular object; in our case the male johnson. Bone-Pressed Length (BPL): penis length measurement which presses down on a man’s suprapubic fat pad and starting from his pubic bone. Non Bone-Pressed Length (NBPL): penis length measurement which starts from the base of the penis, called the pubopenile skin junction. Johnson Portfolio: the johnson sizes a person has been with sexually during their sexual careers. Start: Professor Ron Jeremy and Mr. Snuffleupagus Male penis, or ‘johnson’ size confidence appears to be at an all-time low. Recent surveys and studies show some troubling trends. Penile enlargement procedures are on the rise despite high risks and dubious benefits. Low confidence is diffusing through the male psyche in spite of the fact that nothing tangible has actually changed. A penis shrinking disease epidemic hasn’t broken out or a new race of men with elephant trunk penises hasn’t been spawned. Over millions of years of evolution, the male penis has developed into a ridiculously large and incredibly flexible pleasure-producing machine when compared to other species. A baby boy can’t keep his hands off of his as soon as he can reach it. Sigmund Freud theorized that all women were envious that they didn’t have one. A prominent anthropologist has argued that man may have taken our greatest evolutionary leap and began walking on two feet just to show it off. The male bonobo ape, one of our closest relatives and greatest ties to our evolutionary past, can often be seen proudly displaying its penis to females and even engaging in “penis fencing” with other males. While our Bonobo cousins have penis sword fights, the modern man is drowning in acronyms like Small Penis Syndrome (SPS), Penile Dysmorphic Disorder (PDD), Erectile Dysfunction (ED), and Premature Ejaculation (PE). A number of studies have shown that anywhere between 20 and 65 percent of men are not satisfied with their penis. Penile enlargement surgeries are on the rise around the world despite major health organizations recognizing these procedures to be excessively risky and unsafe. How a man feels about his penis often cascades into foundational aspects of his life. Studies have proven time and time again that low penile confidence affects a man’s sexual satisfaction, body image, confidence, and self-esteem. Emerging research is proving a man’s penile confidence can have profound effects on his partner’s sexual and penile confidence can have profound effects on his partner’s sexual and relationship satisfaction. So what the hell happened? Why aren’t we penis-fencing like Bonobos? The odds are stacked against men from the start in establishing penile confidence. In early childhood we get a look at our father’s johnson-- which from our low vantage point and having only our own budding penis as a reference--looks like Mr. Snuffleupagus from Sesame Street’s evil twin brother. I still get nightmares! If a boy can get past Evil Snuffleupagus’ eternal haunting, the wonderful world of pornography awaits. There’s nothing like the virtuous world of pornography to teach a young impressionable boy about the birds and the bees! Professor Ron Jeremy taught me more about sex than all of my school teachers put together. That’s like 7 foot tall Shaquille O’Neal trying to teach me to play basketball like him. Like with Ron Jeremy, I’m about 11 inches too short for a fair comparison. I’ll admit pornography warped the lens with which I viewed my own johnson. It was like looking through binoculars backwards whenever I peered down at my johnson during this time. And I had to watch porn on scrambled cable! God knows the effect it’s having now. Hopefully small and normal sized guys are getting more roles… …I just checked and they’re not. Oh well. Another reason men are predisposed to johnson size insecurity is vantage point. The vantage point with which men normally view their own johnson, especially when it’s flaccid, is terrible. We’re looking from overhead at an object moving away from us; of course it’s going to look small! The vantage point problem gets exacerbated because every other johnson we see, whether it’s a dude in the locker room, a homeless guy peeing in the street, or that bastard Michael Fassbender strutting around in ‘Shame’ (there’s nothing to be ashamed of there, believe me), we’re getting a much more favourable vantage point. The problem is it’s only favourable to the person being observed, not the observer! The distorting effect of angle on perceived distance and size is called formally called parallax, a word that’s typically found in astronomy textbooks. Let’s not forget about vengeful ex-partners. A single comment from a former partner can do all kinds of damage to a man’s psyche, whether it’s a snide comment about his johnson size, or previous boyfriend Derron’s a snide comment about his johnson size, or previous boyfriend Derron’s comparative size. As men’s Johnson confidence gets battered by Evil Snuffleupagus, tripod-looking pornstars, distorted viewpoints, and vengeful exes, you’d hope they could at least turn to the information superhighway for some veracity. Some solid, easy-to-find information would alleviate a lot of the issues I described above. Instead, the internet gives whatever’s left of a man’s precarious penile confidence a final elbow drop from the top rope! Have you done a google search on penis size? It’s a complete joke! I actually think it was the genesis of #fakenews. Yes, the final and most impactful reason for men’s deteriorating penis size confidence is a dearth of credible information. As a result, the majority of men’s views on johnson size are being shaped by biased and incorrect information. Do the aforementioned search for penis size information on the internet and you’ll be given a myriad of answers and misinformation from preposterous sources. That is until this book starts ranking high on Google! For example, one of the most popular and referenced resources on the subject of johnson size is a website featuring an interactive map of the average penis size of men from over one hundred countries in the world. The dataset indulges the believers of common race/penis stereotypes, with the republic of Congo having the longest listed average erect penis length of 16.93 cm (6.7”). Asia and Southeast Asia dominate the shorter penis sizes, with Nepal being listed as having the shortest penises measuring an average of 9.3 cm (3.7”). That being said, Nepal is the home of Mount Everest and it’s freezing up there! My Johnson would look like a scarred turtle in Nepal. It’s admittedly a very pretty map, with the most comprehensive data set on penis size available, but the devil is always in the details. When I dug deeper into the studies underpinning the summary figures, I found a hodgepodge of questionable credentials, inconsistent measurement methodologies, and poorly conceived techniques. In summary, it’s a steaming pile of bull excrement painted over in pretty colours. Fortunately, to borrow a maxim from the legendary Fox Mulder, “the truth is out there.” It turns out you just have to look really hard. I’ve combed through all the garbage clickbait and BS to unearth the most solid and unbiased professional studies on the subject of johnson size published in