The Terrible We ASTERISK: Gender, Trans- , and All That Comes After A series edited by Susan Stryker, Eliza Steinbock, and Jian Neo Chen The Terrible We THINKING WITH TRANS MALADJUSTMENT cameron awkward- rich Duke University Press Durham and London 2022 © 2022 Duke University Press All rights reserved Printed in the United States of Amer i ca on acid- free paper ∞ Designed by Courtney Leigh Richardson and Dan Ruccia Typeset in Minion Pro, Fengardo Neue, and Trade Gothic by Westchester Publishing Services Library of Congress Cataloging- in- Publication Data Names: Awkward- Rich, Cameron, author. Title: The terrible we : thinking with trans maladjustment / Cameron Awkward-R ich. Other titles: Asterisk (Duke University Press) Description: Durham : Duke University Press, 2022. | Series: Asterisk | Includes bibliographical references and index. Identifiers: lccn 2021056766 (print) lccn 2021056767 (ebook) isbn 9781478016052 (hardcover) isbn 9781478018681 (paperback) isbn 9781478023302 (ebook) Subjects: lcsh: Transgender people. | Gender nonconformity— Psychological aspects. | Gender identity— Psychological aspects. | Disability studies. | Queer theory. | Feminist theory. | bisac: social science / lgbtq Studies / Transgender Studies | social science / People with Disabilities Classification: lcc hq77.9.a95 2022 (print) | lcc hq77.9 (ebook) | ddc 306.76/8—d c23/eng/20220216 lc rec ord available at https:// lccn. loc. gov/ 2021056766 lc ebook rec ord available at https:// lccn. loc. gov/ 2021056767 Publication of this book is supported by Duke University Press’s Scholars of Color First Book Fund. Financial support was provided by the Office of the Vice Chancellor for Research and Engagement, University of Mas sa chu setts, Amherst. CONTENTS Preface/Ac know ledg ments * vii Introduction: On Staying with the Terrible We * 1 1. Disabled Histories of Trans * 31 holding space * 61 2. Trans, Feminism; Or, Reading like a Depressed Transsexual * 67 3. Some Dissociative Trans Masc Poetics * 89 4. We’s Com pany * 117 Afterward/Elegy * 143 Notes * 151 Bibliography * 171 Index * 187 This page intentionally left blank PREFACE/AC KNOW LEDG MENTS I began thinking in earnest about what would become The Terrible We in 2014, a year that was shot through with Obama-e ra optimism, condensed in the much- discussed Time cover story that declared that we had, as a country, ar- rived at the transgender tipping point. Indeed, 2014 also marked the inaugura- tion of Transgender Studies Quarterly, the notorious trans studies cluster hire at the University of Arizona, and the one-y ear anniversary of the Transgender Studies Reader 2, which together formed a decisive tipping point for the field of trans studies.1 It’s crucial to remember, then, that when the essays that make up this book were conceived there was not yet a journal of rec ord, regular conferences, or more than a small handful of tenured/tenure- track faculty who worked primarily in the field. At the same time, it was not true to say that trans studies had not yet begun; indeed, announcements of its begin- ning have occurred iteratively since the 1990s. What happened in 2014 and after, rather, was the beginning of the field’s more robust institutionalization in the US university. As a gradu ate student in 2014, then, I felt caught between the profound and varied optimisms that circulated with trans as a po liti cal and intellectual horizon and the recalcitrant distress that marked the lives/writing of those people who constitute trans pasts and pres ents. It seemed to me that the ver- sion of trans that was on the precipice of inclusion—of having an official, institutional life— was one that simply could not accommodate the cognitive/ affective divergences, black moods, and peculiar itineraries endemic to what I understood as trans life and thought. Further, the mainstream optimism of 2014 was discordant with what I understood about the way trans has, his- torically, cycled through moments of visibility and repression, possibility and foreclosure. Put another way, I did not believe that those optimistic condi- tions would prove durable, nor that trans studies as it was being constituted offered me tools for living and thinking with all that persisted, per sis tently, in optimism’s wake. In fact, it seemed to me then—a nd still seems to me now— that the “disciplinary position” of trans studies as institutionalized in, alongside, and against women’s/feminist studies and queer theory, and the concurrent incorporation of trans people into the disciplinary imaginary of neoliberal citizenship, actually intensified, rather than alleviated, the mad- dening experience of living in what Talia Bettcher calls, aptly, “the wtf.”2 The Terrible We, then, is a book-l ength inquiry into the “bad”—p athologized, painful, or po liti cally impairing— trans feelings and habits of mind that lin- ger on in (and threaten to undo) trans people’s and trans studies’ relatively newfound legibility. In par tic u lar, the book is interested in what one might learn by thinking with, rather than against, the mad and dismal images of trans life that had to be disavowed in order for trans to emerge as a name for a species of rational man who could be the subject, not merely the object, of academic inquiry. Much has happened since 2014: the Trump administration demonstrated the ease of undoing many Obama- era causes for optimism; trans- exclusionary “feminisms” have resurged in the United Kingdom and the United States and have been shaping conversations about transness (and, notably, trans- masculinity) in a variety of domains—c ultural, legal, and academic; queer theorists of a certain kind have repeatedly and publicly waged generational and/or theoretical conflicts on the backs of their trans students; and on and on. At the same time, trans studies, trans lit er a ture, and trans thought have (thankfully, luckily, with much effort) expanded far beyond the terms of the formative, ongoing conflicts that The Terrible We traces, such that this book might be understood to be speaking to and from a diff er ent time. In a real sense, it is. I am. Indeed, at this time, I can’t help but worry that this book takes too seri- ously trans-a ntagonistic forms of thought that I should have, instead, sim- ply ignored. But like so many trans scholars who came to trans studies in a place “before trans studies,” I had to write the book in order to learn that, next time, I could.3 Further, on this side of 2020–21 in the United States— on this side of the coining of “gender critical feminism” and “rapid-o nset gender dysphoria;” the conservative desire and l egal campaign to define “transgender . . . o ut of existence;” the killing of (mad/black/trans) Tony McDade (and Aja Raquell Rhone- Spears, Brian ‘Egypt’ Powers, Sumer Tay- lor, Tatiana Hall . . .); wide-scale attempts by the Republican Party to restrict the freedoms of trans youth u nder the cover of a pandemic; the emergence of venture-c apital backed transition companies that nonetheless capitalize on structural trans isolation and abandonment through “the promise of happi- ness,” Euphoria, and Bliss—t he one t hing I know on this side of all this and more is that times recur. 4 More than anything, therefore, The Terrible We is viii * Preface/Acknowledgments a rec ord of an attempt—an often awkward, sometimes chaotic, but hopefully ultimately space- clearing attempt—to think with the terrible parts of the felt life of trans and trans studies under these conditions. ✳ ✳ ✳ The writing and thinking that follows—w ith all of its partiality and faults and untimely movements—is mine but depends on the l abor and living of so many others. This book began at Stanford University, where I benefitted tremendously from the mentorship of Paula Moya, whose intellect and care enabled my trajectory through gradu ate school (and everyt hing after). Likewise, I am grateful for the time, encouragement, and formative les- sons in creativity and capacious thought provided by my other committee members, Sianne Ngai and Lochlann Jain. I owe thanks, too, to Jennifer DeVere Brody, Michele Elam, Mark McGurl, Sharika Thiranagama, Stephen Sohn, and Yvonne Yarbro- Bejarano, other faculty who, in one way or another, helped me along. My life and work at Stanford w ere enriched and enlivened by time and conversation with innumerable other students across campus, perhaps especially: K. J. Cerankowski, David Stentiford, Ben Allen, Corey Masao Johnson, Laura Eliasieh, Rebecca Wilbanks, Annika Butler- Wall, Luz Jimenez Ruvalcaba, Melanie Leon, Jonathan Leal, Calvin Cheung-M iaw, Van- essa Seals, Aku Ammah-T agoe, Annie Atura Bushnell, Jess Auerbach, and Kate Turner. Thanks also to Mel Y. Chen for inviting me along to a University of California, Berkeley, Center for Race and Gender/Center for the Study of Sexual Culture dissertation retreat, and to the other faculty and students in that nourishing space. I’m so grateful to have landed in Women, Gender, Sexuality Studies (wgss) at the University of Mas sa chu setts, Amherst, particularly, and among wonderful colleagues and friends across the Five Colleges more generally. Thanks especially to Angie Willey, Banu Subramaniam, Kiran Asher, Svati Shah, Miliann Kang, Laura Briggs, Laura Ciolkowski, Kirsten Leng, Fumi Okiji, Jina Kim, Britt Rusert, Ren-yo Hwang, Elliot Montague, Samuel Ace, Sonny Nordmarken, Sony Coráñez Bolton, Andrea Lawlor, Jordy Rosenberg, and Ocean Vuong. Also, thank you to all of the program administrators of every department/program I have passed through— particularly Karen Lederer, Linda Hillenbrand, Monica P. Moore, and Rachel Meisels—w ithout whom nothing would happen. The Terrible We was also enabled by fellowships from Duke University’s Program in Gender, Sexuality, and Feminist Studies and the American Coun- cil of Learned Societ ies, as well as the generous support of Dean Barbara Preface/Acknowledgments * ix