Praise for Nathaniel Branden -and TIlE SIX PILLARS OF SELF-ESTEEM "Outstanding! Perhaps the most significant book ever written on self esteem."-Robert W. Reasoner, President, International Council for Self-Esteem _ "Nathaniel Branden is a giant in the field of self-esteem. The Six Pillars ofS elf-Esteem is a must-read for everyone." -Kenneth Blanchard, co-author of The One-Minute Manager "An invaluable contribution by a pioneer scholar of self-esteem." -Dr. Thomas Gordon, Founder, Parent Effectiveness Training (P.E.T.) "The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem is a masterpiece."-Warren Farrell, Ph.D., author of The Myth ofM ale Power _ "Clear, riveting, and profound. Nathaniel Branden reveals the pathways to actualizing and celebrating our remarkable selves." -Elaine Mazlish and Adele Faber, authors of How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk and Siblings Without Rivalry "Among the clutter of management and how-to books, Dr. Branden's seminal work stands out like a beacon. It describes the self-esteem connection between individual and organizational success with the sharpness of a laser beam. It is not only a must-read, but also a must-act-upon book." -Dick Sethi, Assistant Director, Leadership Development Program, AT&T "Nathaniel Brandep's new book is a masterpiece. It is a must for all of us who are still striving." -Charles "Red" Scott, Chairman Emeritus, Fuqua Industries Inc., and 1984 recipient of the Horatio Alger Award of Distinguished Americans T~f SX Pl lRRS m= .. SElf-ESTEEm . . T~f SX Pll RRS Of j ,! SElf-ESTEEm \ '" Nathaniel Branden t BANTAM NEW YORK TORONTO WNDON SYDNEY AUCKlAND THE SlX PlllAR.~ OF SELF-ESTEEM A Bantam Book PUBLISHING HISTORY Bantam hardcover edition/March 1994 Bantam trade paperback edition/June 1995 All rights reserved. Copyright © 1994 by Nathaniel Branden. Cover art copyright © 1994 by One Plus One Studio. Book design by Kathryn Parise Library of Congress Catalog Card Number: 93-449l. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any fonn or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any infonnation storage and retrieval system, without pennission in writing from tlie publisher. For iriformation address: Bantam Books. ISBN 0-553-37439-7 Published simultaneously in the United States and Canada Bantam Books are published by Bantam Books, a division of Random House, Inc. Its trademark, consisting of the word~ "Bantam Books" and the portrayal of a rooster, is Registered in U.S. Patent and Trademark Office and in other countries. Marca Registrada. Bantam Books, 1540 Broadway, New York, New York 10036. PRINTED IN mE UNrreD STATES OF AMERICA 25 24 BVG Contents I Introduction II xi PHRI I SHf-fSIHm; BHSIC PRlnCIPlfS Self-Esteem: The Immune System of Consciousness II 3 2 The Meaning of Self-Esteem II 26 3 The Face of Self-Esteem II 43 \i 4 The Illusion of Self-Esteem II 49 } PHRI II InlfRnH-L SOURCfS Of SHf-fSlHm 5 The Focus on Action II 59 I 6 The Practice of Living Consciously II 67 7 The Practice of Self-Acceptance II 90 8 The Practice of Self-Responsibility II 105 9 The Practice of Self-Assertiveness II 117 10 The Practice of Living Purposefully II 129 II The Practice of Personal Integrity II 143 12 The Philosophy of Self-Esteem II 160 VI COnTfnTS PR R T III fX HR n R L in H Ufn CfS : SH fR n0 0T fR S H 13 Nurturing a Child's Self-Esteem II 171 ~ Self-Esteem in the Schools II 202 IS Self-Esteem and Work II 227 16 Self-Esteem and Psychotherapy II 256 11 Self-Esteem and Culture II 277 18 Conclusion: The Seventh Pillar of Self-Esteem II 302 RP P f n0 I X R: Critique of Other Definitions of Self-Esteem II 305 RP P f n0 I X 0: A Sentence-Completion Exercise for Building Self-Esteem II 309 HP P f n0 I XC: Recommendations for Further Study II 319 References II 323 Acknowledgments II 327 Index II 329 To Branden Deve~ T~f ~X P ll~R~ . ~f ~flf-f~lffm Introduction My purpose in this book is to identify, in greater depth and comprehen siveness than in my previous writings, the most important factors on which self-esteem depends. If self-esteem is the health of the mind, then few subjects are of comparable urgency. The turbulence of our times demands strong selves with a clear sense of identity; competence, and worth. With a breakdown of cultural con sensus, an absence of worthy role models, little in the public arena to inspire our allegiance, .and disorientingly rapid change a permanent feature of our lives, it is a dangerous moment in history not to know who we are or not to trust ourselves. The stability we cannot find in the world we must create within our own persons. To face life with low self-esteem is to be at a severe disadvantage. These considerations are part of my motivation in writing this book. In essence, the book consists of my answers to four questions: What is self-esteem? Why is self-esteem important? What can we do to raise the level of our self-esteem? What role do others play in influencing our self esteem? Self-esteem is shaped by both internal and external factors. By"inter nal" I mean factors residing within, or generated by, the individual ideas or beliefs, practices or behaviors. By "external" I mean factors in the environment: messages·v erbally or nonverbally transmitted, or expe riences evoked, by parents, teachers, "significant others," organizations, and culture. I examine self-esteem from the inside and the outside: What is the contribution of the individual to his or her self-esteem and what is XII InTRODUCTIon the contribution of other people? To the best of my knowledge, no investigation of this scope has been attempted before. When I published The Psychology of Self-Esteem in 1969, I told myself I had said everything I could say on this subject. In 1970, realizing that there were "a few more issues" I needed to address, I wrote Breaking Free. Then, in 1972, "to fill in a few more gaps," I wrote The Disowned Self. After that, I told myself I was absolutely and totally finished with self-esteem and went on to write on other subjects. A decade or so passed, and I began to think abo,ut how much more I had personally experienced and learned about self-esteem since my first work, so I decided to write "one last book" about it; Honoring ' the Self was published in 1983. A couple of years later I thought it would be useful to write an action-oriented guide for in~ividuals who wanted to work on their own self-esteem-How to Raise Your Self-Esteem, published in 1986. Surely I had finally finished with this subject, I told myself. But during this same period, "the self-esteem movement" exploded across the country; everyone was talking about self-esteem; books were writ ten, lectures and conferences were given-and I was not enthusiastic about the quality of what was being presented to people. I found myself in some rather heated discussions with colleagues. While some of what was offered on self-esteem was excellent, I thought that a good deal was not. I realized how many issues I had not yet addresseci, how many questions I needed to consider that I had not considered before, and how much I had carried in my head but never actually said or written. Above all, I saw the necessity of going far beyond my earlier work in spelling out the factors that create and sustain high or healthy self-esteem. (l use "high" and "healthy" interchangeably.) Once again, I found myself drawn back to examine new aspects of this inexhaustibly rich field of study, and to think my way down to deeper levels of under standing of what is, for me, the single most important psychological subject in the world. I understood that what had begun so many years before as an interest, or even a fascination, had become a mission. Speculating on the roots of this passion, I go back to my teenage years, to the time when emerging autonomy collided with pressure to conform. It is not easy to write objectively about that period, and I do not wish to suggest an arrogance I did not and do not feel. The truth is, as an adolescent I had an inarticulate but sacred sense of mission about my life. I had the conviction that nothing mattered more than retaining the ability to see the world through my own eyes. I thought that that was how