“This book is superb! No longer will teens need to suffer with anxiety and be on the sidelines of life. Full of clear, effective, and engaging strategies, this workbook will show teens exactly what to do to overcome their fears and shyness and will reassure them that they are not alone. Truly, every teen struggles with these issues to varying degrees. All teenagers would benefit from reading this book.” —Tamar Chansky, PhD, author of Freeing Your Child from Anxiety and Freeing Yourself from Anxiety “With The Shyness and Social Anxiety Workbook for Teens, Jennifer Shannon has hit a bull’s-eye. Each page is fun, engaging, and filled with practical strategies to help teens break free from their social fears and worries. The book is certain to become an essential resource for teens, parents, and therapists. I highly recommend it.” —Michael A. Tompkins, PhD, founding partner of the San Francisco Bay Area Center for Cognitive Therapy and author of My Anxious Mind: A Teen’s Guide to Managing Anxiety and Panic “Teens who follow the steps described in this book can overcome shyness and social anxiety and change their life path. Shannon’s recommendations are based on the latest scientific findings, and are accompanied by delightful cartoons and drawings. An outstanding contribution.” —Jacqueline B. Persons, PhD, director of the San Francisco Bay Area Center for Cognitive Therapy and clinical professor in the department of psychology at the University of California, Berkeley “Good basic information on social anxiety as well as how to overcome it using cognitive behavioral therapy. The concise text and abundant illustrations make the book available, easy to grasp, and engaging for teens.” —Edmund J. Bourne, PhD, author of The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook “This practical and straightforward book is highly recommended for any teen who worries too much about being judged by others. These tried-and-true strategies have been shown over and over to be among the most effective methods for reducing social anxiety. Every teen who struggles with shyness should read this book!” —Martin M. Antony, PhD, ABPP, chair of the department of psychology at Ryerson University and author of The Shyness and Social Anxiety Workbook Publisher’s Note This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering psychological, financial, legal, or other professional services. If expert assistance or counseling is needed, the services of a competent professional should be sought. Distributed in Canada by Raincoast Books Copyright © 2012 by Jennifer Shannon New Harbinger Publications, Inc. 5674 Shattuck Avenue Oakland, CA 94609 www.newharbinger.com Cover design by Amy Shoup Interior design and illustrations by Doug Shannon Acquired by Tesilya Hanauer All Rights Reserved Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Shannon, Jennifer. The shyness and social anxiety workbook for teens : CBT and act skills to help you build social confidence / Jennifer Shannon ; illustrated by Doug Shannon ; foreword by Christine A. Padesky. p. cm. ISBN 978-1-60882-187-7 (pbk. : alk. paper) -- ISBN 978-1-60882-188-4 (pdf e-book) -- ISBN 978-1-60882-189-1 (epub) 1. Bashfulness--Juvenile literature. 2. Social phobia--Juvenile literature. 3. Cognitive therapy for teenagers--Problems exercises, etc. 4. Acceptance and commitment therapy--Problems, exercises, etc. I. Title. BF575.B3S5193 2012 155.5’18232--dc23 2012005433 Contents INTRODUCTION 1. SOCIALLY ANXIOUS ARE YOU MISSING OUT? What is the difference between being a little shy and having a problem with social anxiety? The real question is whether you are missing out by avoiding situations due to your anxiety. It is important to understand that if you are socially anxious, you are not alone. 2. WHY ME? THE ORIGINS OF SOCIAL ANXIETY Being shy is not your fault. There are three main causes of social anxiety: genetics, how you were raised, and upsetting events that may have triggered your anxiety. One or more of these causes may be at the root of your problem. 3. THE CHAIN GANG THOUGHTS, FEELINGS, AND ACTIONS This book is based on cognitive behavioral therapy, which helps us understand the connections between our thoughts, our feelings, and our behavior. Avoidance behavior, which is what shy teens do, is caused by feelings of anxiety, which are sparked by spontaneous, often unconscious, automatic thoughts. 4. DISASTROUS DISTORTIONS DON’T BELIEVE EVERY THOUGHT YOU THINK The automatic thoughts that lead to avoidance behavior are often inaccurate and distorted. This chapter outlines six of the most common distortions in the thinking of people with social anxiety. Understanding that your thoughts are distorted helps you begin to question them. 5. THE VALUES COMPASS STEPPING OFF THE PERFECTIONIST PATH TO NOWHERE Is not making mistakes what really matters? This chapter will outline how unrealistic it is to attempt social perfectionism and will help you identify your own values as a compass to guide how you live your life. 6. WHAT WAS I THINKING? FACT-CHECKING AND THE VALUES TEST There are two ways of evaluating your thoughts. The first is to figure out how accurate they are, and the second is to see if that way of thinking leads you toward avoidance or toward your values. 7. TALKING BACK TO YOUR THOUGHTS TRAINING YOUR BRAIN TO CHALLENGE AND COPE Once you have identified your distorted thoughts, you are ready to learn how to come up with some alternative ways of thinking that will help lower your anxiety and help you face situations that are scary for you. 8. THE EXPOSURE LADDER FROM AVOIDANCE TO ACTION To master social anxiety, you will need to face your fears. There is no better way to challenge your thinking and live the life you want. But don’t worry; you don’t have to start with the scariest situation. This chapter will show you how to turn situations you’ve been avoiding into situations you can face. 9. GRAB A RUNG! GETTING A GRIP ON YOUR EXPOSURE LADDER Here you’ll learn to develop coping strategies and use realistic goals to make exposures successful. 10. BELLA’S LADDER EXPOSURE, EXPOSURE, EXPOSURE In this chapter, watch and learn as our socially anxious teen Bella faces her fear of blushing, one rung at a time. 11. TROUBLESHOOTING WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU GET STUCK What do you do when you become so anxious that you don’t feel like you can do your exposure? What if the thing you are afraid will happen actually happens? These are common challenges, and this chapter will give you strategies for coping with them. 12. ABOVE AND BEYOND HOW MISTAKES MAKE YOU STRONGER Facing your fear head-on helps you really master your social anxiety. You will learn that you can cope a lot better than you thought. This understanding frees you up to embrace life and to live according to your own rules. CONCLUSION APPENDIX A: FOR TEENS AND THEIR PARENTS OR GUARDIANS ABOUT THERAPY AND MEDICATION APPENDIX B: HELPFUL RESOURCES APPENDIX C: PARURESIS APPENDIX D: OTHER COMMON TYPES OF ANXIETY Foreword When we get anxious, we often think we suffer alone. We think we are messed up and everyone else is strong and confident. This is not true. Almost everyone gets anxious about something. Some people are afraid of spiders, others worry about lots of different things, and some people get nervous when they have to give a speech or meet new people. The good news is that we know a lot about how to overcome anxiety. A form of psychological therapy called cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) can help most people overcome their anxiety. CBT is based on research about how emotions work and what people can do to feel better. CBT teaches people skills that help depression, anxiety, and lots of other issues. These skills take practice, but anybody can learn them. That’s where this book comes in. It tells and shows you what you can do to overcome social anxiety and shyness. If you fill in the worksheets and try the experiments recommended, this book can help you overcome your social nervousness and feel a lot better. Some of the exercises will make you feel nervous. That is a good thing, because one thing we know about anxiety is that it gets smaller only when we approach it rather than avoid it. To make it easier for you, the authors describe small steps you can take to help you build your confidence. Most books like this are written for adults. That is too bad, because teenagers often get even more nervous than adults do. That’s why I was so happy when Jennifer Shannon told me she and her husband were writing this book for you. Jennifer is an expert CBT therapist who has helped lots of teens overcome social anxiety. And her husband is a really good artist, which you probably already noticed when you flipped through the book. Together, they make a great team to explain clearly what social anxiety is all about and how you can overcome it. Small steps can lead you to good places when you have a map. If you feel nervous around people, this book is your map. Take it a step at a time, and by next year you will be easily doing things that scare you this year. Think of all the things you can do when your nervousness shrinks! Read this book and follow its tips. Your confidence is just around the corner. —Christine A. Padesky, PhD Coauthor, Mind Over Mood: Change How You Feel by Changing the Way You Think Director, Center for Cognitive Therapy Huntington Beach, California Introduction Wouldn’t it be nice if you could just flick a switch and make your shyness go away? No more worrying about what others think about you, no more embarrassment in front of other people. You could just relax and feel comfortable and confident, the way you probably think everyone else feels. Unfortunately we can’t get rid of anxiety altogether; it is part of human nature and we all have it. The oldest and most primitive part of the brain, popularly referred to as the reptile brain, is something we have in common with many other species. When the reptile brain senses danger, it activates a part of the nervous system, that causes us to experience anxious feelings. Without anxiety we would take unnecessary risks. Our nervous systems are designed to help us know when we need to be alert in social situations. Almost everybody feels a little nervous starting a conversation with someone they don’t know or asking a question in class, and teens who are shy feel anxiety during social interactions like these. Some teens are socially anxious, which means they experience such high anxiety that they avoid social situations. If you feel like your anxiety has you on the wrong end of the leash, then this book is for you.