B u s i n e s s C u l i n a r y A r c h i t e c t u r e C o m p u t e r G e n e r a l I n t e r e s t C h i l d r e n L i f e S c i e n c e s B i o g r a p h y A c c o u n t i n g F i n a n c e M a t h e m a t i c s H i s t o r y S e l f - I m p r o v e m e n t H e a l t h E n g i n e e r i n g G r a p h i c D e s i g n A p p l i e d S c i e n c e s P s y c h o l o g y I n t e r i o r D e s i g n B i o l o g y C h e m i s t r y e WILEY B O O K WILEY JOSSEY-BASS PFEIFFER J.K.LASSER CAPSTONE WILEY-LISS WILEY-VCH WILEY-INTERSCIENCE Engel/fm 5/31/01 8:58 AM Page i The Power o f Apology Engel/fm 5/31/01 8:58 AM Page ii Also by Beverly Engel: The Right to Innocence Divorcing a Parent The Emotionally Abused Woman Encouragements for the Emotionally Abused Woman Partners in Recovery Familes in Recovery Raising Your Sexual Self-Esteem Beyond the Birds and the Bees Blessings from the Fall The Parenthood Decision Sensual Sex Loving Him without Losing You Women Circling the Earth Engel/fm 5/31/01 8:58 AM Page iii The Power o f Apology Healing Steps to Transform All Your Relationships BEVERLY ENGEL John Wiley & Sons,Inc. ● ● ● ● ● New York Chichester Weinheim Brisbane Singapore Toronto fcopyebk.qxd 6/28/01 9:36 AM Page iv Copyright © 2001 by Beverly Engel. All rights reserved Published by John Wiley & Sons, Inc. Design and production by Navta Associates, Inc. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval sys- tem, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, scanning, or otherwise, except as permitted under Section 107 or 108 of the 1976 United States Copyright Act, with- out either the prior written permission of the Publisher, or authorization through payment of the appropriate per-copy fee to the Copyright Clear- ance Center, 222 Rosewood Drive, Danvers, MA 01923, (978) 750-8400, fax (978) 750-4744. Requests to the Publisher for permission should be addressed to the Permissions Department, John Wiley & Sons, Inc., 605 Third Avenue, New York, NY 10158-0012, (212) 850-6011, fax (212) 850-6008, email: [email protected]. This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative infor- mation in regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the under- standing that the publisher is not engaged in rendering professional services. If professional advice or other expert assistance is required, the services of a competent professional person should be sought. With the exception of public figures or those cited in the media, the names and identifying characteristics of everyone in this book have been changed to protect their confidentiality. This title is also available in print as ISBN 0-471-39907-8. For more information about Wiley products, visit our Web site at www.Wiley.com Engel/fm 5/31/01 8:58 AM Page v I dedicate this book to those who have had the courage to apologize and to those who were able to accept a meaningful apology when given. Engel/fm 5/31/01 8:58 AM Page vi Engel/fm 5/31/01 8:58 AM Page vii Contents Acknowledgments ix Introduction 1 PART ONE The Power of Apology 9 CHAPTER 1 Apology Is for Everyone 11 CHAPTER 2 Why Learning to Give, Receive, and Ask for Apologies Is So Important 22 CHAPTER 3 Why Apologizing Is Difficult for Some and Too Easy for Others 37 PART TWO Learn How to Give a Meaningful Apology 53 CHAPTER 4 The Right and Wrong Way to Apologize 55 vii Engel/fm 5/31/01 8:58 AM Page viii viii CONTENTS PART THREE Learn How to Receive and Accept Apologies 77 CHAPTER 5 Opening the Door with Empathy 79 CHAPTER 6 Overcoming the Seven Obstacles to Forgiveness 87 CHAPTER 7 There Is a Time to Forgive—and a Time to Forget About Forgiving 109 PART FOUR Learn How to Ask for an Apology 119 CHAPTER 8 Silence Isn’t Always Golden 121 PART FIVE Transform AllYour Relationships Through Apology 129 CHAPTER 9 Healing Your Relationship with Yourself 131 CHAPTER 10 Healing Your Past, Step 1: Make Your Apology List 141 CHAPTER 11 Healing Your Past, Step 2: Make Amends 152 CHAPTER 12 Healing Your Family When There Has Been an Estrangement 165 CHAPTER 13 Healing Your Marriage or Romantic Relationship 180 Engel/fm 5/31/01 8:58 AM Page ix CONTENTS ix CHAPTER 14 Teach Your Children Well 203 CHAPTER 15 Healing Your Business Relationships Through Respect and Compassion 219 CHAPTER 16 Conclusion: The Apology Movement 230 APPENDIX Two Ideas to Consider:Apology Circles and Restorative Justice 237 References 241 Recommended Reading 243 Index 000