Praise for The Mindfulness Solution “Down-to-earth and helpful, Dr. Siegel offers genuinely practical training in the trans- formative art of mindfulness.” —Jack Kornfield, PhD, author of The Wise Heart “Mindfulness is an innate capacity that, when cultivated, can awaken us to true health and happiness. Dr. Siegel’s book is a clear and comprehensive guide for anyone who wants to apply the power of mindful awareness to challenging emotions, physical pain, or relational difficulties. Filled with wisdom that is both practical and deep, this book is an invitation to live the real moments of our life with presence and heart.” —Tara Brach, PhD, author of Radical Acceptance “In your hands is a readily accessible book that can walk you step by step to a better life. Being present in the moment with acceptance is more than just a practice—it is a key research-proven strategy that promotes health in the body, in the mind, and in our relationships with one another. Now is the time—and here is the invitation—to step into a new way of being that can reduce anxiety, stress, and fear, and enhance joy, gratitude and well-being in your life.” —Daniel J. Siegel, MD, author of Mindsight “This clear and practical guide can help you discover your own potential to develop mindfulness. It offers guidance for building a formal meditation practice as well as tools for coping in everyday life.” —Sharon Salzberg, author of Lovingkindness “Dr. Siegel offers us an abundance of exercises, transformative practices, and the skill- ful means to live a mindful life of conscious awareness and meaningful connection. I applaud and recommend his unique perspective, gleaned from a life of meditation and psychotherapeutic practice and research. This wonderful book is a real contribu- tion to the field of happiness studies and spiritual development.” —Lama Surya Das, author of Awakening the Buddha Within “Talk of ‘mindfulness’ brings up images of monks spending years on end doing some- thing mysterious. But Dr. Siegel shows how to bring the simple wisdom of acceptance and mindfulness into the everyday actions of ordinary living. Gentle, genuine, and wise, this book coaxes, cajoles, and guides the reader into looking with clear eyes at how we humans get in our own way, and provides simple, powerful, step-by-step methods for learning how to live the kind of lives we want.” —Steven C. Hayes, PhD, author of Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life “Both accessible and persuasive in showing how mindful awareness can help us take care of ourselves and stay centered as we navigate life’s inevitable challenges.” —Zindel V. Segal, PhD, coauthor of The Mindful Way through Depression the mindfulness solution everyday practices for everyday problems ( ronald d. siegel THE GUILFORD PRESS New York London To Gina, my support, inspiration, and love And to my parents, Claire and Sol, my most important teachers ( © 2010 Ronald D. Siegel Published by The Guilford Press A Division of Guilford Publications, Inc. 72 Spring Street, New York, NY 10012 www.guilford.com All rights reserved The information in this volume is not intended as a substitute for consultation with healthcare professionals. Each individual’s health concerns should be evaluated by a qualified professional. Except as indicated, no part of this book may be reproduced, translated, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, microfilming, recording, or otherwise, without written permission from the publisher. Printed in the United States of America This book is printed on acid-free paper. Last digit is print number: 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 LIMITED PHOTOCOPY LICENSE The publisher grants to individual purchasers of this book nonassignable permission to reproduce the blank worksheets and exercises. This license is limited to you, the individual purchaser, for personal use or use with individual clients. This license does not grant the right to reproduce these materials for resale, redistribution, electronic display, or any other purposes (including but not limited to books, pamphlets, articles, video- or audiotapes, blogs, file- sharing sites, Internet or intranet sites, and handouts or slides for lectures, workshops, webinars, or therapy groups, whether or not a fee is charged). Permission to reproduce these materials for these and any other purposes must be obtained in writing from the Permissions Department of Guilford Publications. Library of Congress Cataloging-in- Publication Data Siegel, Ronald D. The mindfulness solution : everyday practices for everyday problems / Ronald D. Siegel. p. cm. Includes bibliographical references and index. ISBN 978-1-60623-294-1 (pbk. : alk. paper) ISBN 978-1-60623-456-3 (hardcover : alk. paper) 1. Meditation. 2. Meditation—Buddhism. 3. Mental healing. 4. Self-help techniques. I. Title. BF637.M4S54 2010 158.1′2—dc22 2009031139 The names, characteristics, and details of individuals described and quoted in this book have been changed to protect their privacy. ( Contents prefaCe vii part i Why Mindfulness Matters Chapter 1 Life is diffi cult, for everyone 3 Chapter 2 Mindfulness: A solution 26 Chapter 3 Learning to practice mindfulness 52 Chapter 4 Building a mindful life 81 part ii Everyday Practices for Unruly Minds, Bodies, and Relationships Chapter 5 Befriending fear: Working with worry and anxiety 105 Chapter 6 Entering the dark places: Seeing sadness 140 and depression in a new light Chapter 7 Beyond managing symptoms: Transforming pain 176 and stress- related medical problems Chapter 8 Living the full catastrophe: 212 Mindfulness for romance, parenting, and other intimate relationships v vi Contents Chapter 9 Breaking bad habits: Learning to make 252 good choices Chapter 10 Growing up isn’t easy: Changing your relationship 283 with aging, illness, and death Chapter 11 What’s next?: The promise of mindfulness 315 When you need more hel p: 325 hoW to find a therapist resourCes 328 notes 340 index 348 about the author 356 ( Preface W hen I fi rst took up mindfulness practice in college, I was impressed. Learning to attend to and accept the present moment—to really stop and smell the roses—had immedi- ate benefi ts. Worries about getting good grades, fi nding a girlfriend, and being cool began falling away. Boredom practically disappeared. I imagined that after a few years of practice I’d be free of hurt, pain, and worry— blissfully enjoying the rest of my life. I’m sorry to report that things didn’t quite turn out that way. I soon learned that mindfulness practice isn’t a very good narcotic—it doesn’t really make pain disappear. But don’t put this book down yet. Mindful- ness practice actually offers something even more valuable: instead of anesthetizing us, it helps us see more clearly the habits of our minds that create unnecessary suffering—and offers a way to change them. In my own practice, it didn’t take long to see how my mind was constantly drawn to fantasize about the next party and dread the next research paper, rarely appreciating the moment. I also noticed how thoughts about being smart or dumb, attractive or ugly, good or bad, a success or failure, were my constant companion, coloring my moods and keeping me stressed. I realized too that despite my continued efforts, the highs that came from getting a good grade, making out with a new fl ame, or winning a tennis match never lasted very long—I soon found myself chasing the next vic- tory or comfort. Luckily, along with showing me how these mental habits were mak- ing me unhappy, mindfulness practice offered an alternative—a way to live my life with more ease—less concerned with chasing after highs and trying to avoid lows. I could use the practice to notice the trees as I walked to class, taste my food in the dining hall, and connect more inti- vii viii prefaCe mately with my friends. I could watch thoughts and feelings come and go without getting so caught up in them. Paying attention to the present moment in this way began to transform my relationship to life’s ups and downs. Even difficult moments—like when my girlfriend moved away to be with the other guy—felt more manageable as I learned how to attend to rather than escape from my anger, sadness, and vulnerability. As my own college-age children are fond of pointing out, nearly 40 years into this, on the surface I still don’t look like a poster child for mindfulness practice. In the car running late for an appointment, I often get tense and start to use what my kids affectionately call that voice. And when they say, “Dad—don’t you teach people how to live in the moment? Doesn’t mindfulness practice help you accept the things you can’t change?,” I don’t always appreciate their wisdom. Now that my daughters are old enough to understand the scientific method, I’m able to point out that we don’t have a good control group. We don’t know with certainty how distressed I’d be by everyday prob- lems without mindfulness practice. And I’m convinced from both my own experience and from research findings that the answer is a lot more distressed. In my early days of practice I hoped that it would give me a whole new personality. I’ve discovered that instead mindfulness practice has actually helped me enjoy the one I have while giving me effective tools to work with life’s inevitable challenges—tools without which I’m afraid I’d really be in bad shape. Mindfulness practice has not only been enormously useful for me personally, but is proving to be helpful for a remarkable number of people dealing with an equally remarkable range of everyday problems. Research is showing that it can help us work effectively not only with worry about being late for appointments and other anxieties, but also with sadness and depression; stress- related medical conditions such as insomnia, digestive difficulties, sexual problems, and chronic pain; and addictions to every- thing from alcohol and drugs to food, gambling, and shopping. It can help us get along better with our children, parents, friends, coworkers, and romantic partners. It can even help us age more gracefully and find happiness that doesn’t depend on fickle fortunes. How can one practice possibly help with so many different prob- lems? The answer is that they’re all made worse by the same natural tendency: in our effort to feel good, we try to avoid or escape discomfort, only to discover that this in fact multiplies our misery. As you’ll see in the coming pages, an astonishing variety of problems actually stem from our attempts to get rid of problems. By helping us be with our moment- prefaCe ix to- moment experience in a new way, mindfulness offers us a surprising solution. Many of us are so busy that the thought of adding one more thing—no matter how potentially beneficial—is just too much. The good news is that mindfulness practice can be taken up in different ways to suit dif- ferent lifestyles. While making time for formal meditation is important, mindfulness can also be practiced as part of our ordinary routine, while brushing our teeth, driving to work, walking the dog, or waiting in the check-out line. Most people actually feel as though they have more time in their lives once they begin practicing mindfulness—they become increasingly focused and efficient while feeling more rested and less stressed. There are even specific mindfulness practices we can use dur- ing crises when we’re about to “lose it”—when we’re so aggravated, upset, or overwhelmed that we’re at risk of saying or doing something we will regret. These practices make life easier by helping us create fewer messes that we need to clean up later. My own journey with mindfulness practice has continued unbroken from my college years through my training and career as a clinical psy- chologist. It provided the backdrop for my study of psychology. Early in my training, few mental health professionals were interested in mindful- ness practice. I was fortunate in the early 1980s to join a group of like- minded clinicians who were all practicing personally. For many years we met regularly and discussed what mindfulness traditions had to offer conventional psychology and what conventional psychology had to offer mindfulness traditions. We didn’t speak much about this in the wider professional community since meditation and related practices weren’t highly valued in those days. Nobody wanted to be accused of having unresolved infantile longings to return to a state of oceanic oneness— what Freud saw as the unconscious motivation behind meditation. In the late 1990s, things began to change. My colleagues and I began presenting in workshops some of what we had been discussing privately. Gradually, larger and larger numbers of mental health providers took interest. The pace soon accelerated, and practically overnight mindful- ness practice became one of the most researched and discussed treatment approaches in the mental health field. Suddenly my colleagues and I were being invited to write and teach everywhere about how these practices could be used both inside and outside of psychotherapy to resolve all sorts of emotional and behavioral difficulties. All over the world, mindfulness- based treatments were being developed and tested for every imaginable problem—and they were proving to be remarkably effective.