THE MINDFUL SELF- COMPASSION WORKBOOK Also from Kristin Neff and Christopher Germer FOR GENERAL READERS The Mindful Path to Self- Compassion: Freeing Yourself from Destructive Thoughts and Emotions Christopher Germer FOR PROFESSIONALS Mindfulness and Psychotherapy, Second Edition Edited by Christopher Germer, Ronald D. Siegel, and Paul R. Fulton Teaching the Mindful Self- Compassion Program: A Guide for Professionals (forthcoming) Christopher Germer and Kristin Neff Wisdom and Compassion in Psychotherapy: Deepening Mindfulness in Clinical Practice Christopher Germer and Ronald D. Siegel The Mindful Self- Compassion Workbook A PROVEN WAY TO ACCEPT YOURSELF, BUILD INNER STRENGTH, AND THRIVE Kristin Neff, PhD Christopher Germer, PhD THE GUILFORD PRESS New York London Copyright © 2018 Kristin Neff and Christopher Germer Published by The Guilford Press A Division of Guilford Publications, Inc. 370 Seventh Avenue, Suite 1200, New York, NY 10001 www.guilford.com All rights reserved The information in this volume is not intended as a substitute for consultation with healthcare professionals. Each individual’s health concerns should be evaluated by a qualified professional. No part of this book may be reproduced, translated, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, microfilming, recording, or otherwise, without written permission from the publisher. See page 206 for terms of use for audio files. Printed in the United States of America This book is printed on acid-free paper. Last digit is print number: 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Names: Neff, Kristin, author. | Germer, Christopher K., author. Title: The mindful self-compassion workbook : a proven way to accept yourself, build inner strength, and thrive / Kristin Neff and Christopher Germer. Description: New York, NY : Guilford Press, [2018] | Includes bibliographical references and index. Identifiers: LCCN 2018011237 | ISBN 9781462535651 (hardcover : alk. paper) | ISBN 9781462526789 (pbk. : alk. paper) Subjects: LCSH: Self-acceptance. | Compassion. | Security (Psychology) Classification: LCC BF575.S37 N443 2018 | DDC 158.1/3—dc23 LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2018011237 The story on page 162 is from Awakening Joy by James Baraz and Shoshana Alexander. Copyright © 2012 James Baraz and Shoshana Alexander. Reprinted by permission. Acknowledgments Although the authors of this book started developing Mindful Self- Compassion (MSC) in 2010, it is now a project of the worldwide community of MSC prac- titioners, teachers, and researchers, and we find ourselves in the enviable position of gathering their cumulative wisdom and integrating it into the training program you have in your hands. Our hope is that MSC will continually evolve as we learn together the subtle art of bringing compassion into the world, starting with kind- ness toward ourselves. To this end, we give thanks to the innumerable people whose voices are contained in the pages of this book. We have also had the good fortune to live at a time when compassion practice and science are no longer separate subjects and where the wisdom of East and West is merging. This convergence is unprecedented in human history. We are therefore deeply grateful for luminaries who had the courage and vision to build these bridges, such as the Dalai Lama, Jon Kabat-Zinn, Sharon Salzberg, Jack Kornfield, Richie Davidson, Sara Lazar, Tania Singer, Pema Chödrön, Thupten Jinpa, Tara Brach, Daniel Siegel, Rick Hanson, and Paul Gilbert, to name just a few. Their efforts have paved the way for our own— bringing self- compassion training into mainstream society. Right from the start, we had close colleagues who saw the value in self- compassion and joined our efforts in a variety of selfless ways. They included Michelle Becker, Steve Hickman, Christine Brähler, Susan Pollak, Pittman McGehee, Kristy Arbon, Lienhard Valentin, Wibo Koole, Hilde Steinhauser, Judith Soulsby, Vanessa Hope, Hailan Guo, Seogwang Snim, Marta Alonso Maynar, Dawn MacDonald, and Micheline St. Hilaire. Steve and Michelle, in particular, launched our MSC teacher training initiative in 2014 through the University of California, San Diego, and have collaboratively helped us develop the unique pedagogy that you will find in this book—self- compassion training that is safe and effective for a wide range of differ- ent people. It is our hope that readers who notice changes in their own lives through v vi Acknowledgments using this workbook will consider attending an actual MSC program and have a chance to interact with our talented, trained teachers who are the lifeblood of MSC. (You can find a local course at www.centerformsc.org.) This book would not exist if not for the ardent support of Kitty Moore, our dear Senior Editor at The Guilford Press, who has been trying to make the world a better place for the past few decades. We are also grateful to Christine Benton, develop- mental editor, who read every word of this workbook for content and style to make it as readable and user- friendly as possible. Finally, over the coming years we hope to pay back the generosity and under- standing of our nearest and dearest, in particular Kristin’s son, Rowan, and Chris’s life partner, Claire. May their kind hearts be found by the reader in the pages of this book. Contents Introduction: How to Approach This Workbook 1 1 What Is Self- Compassion? 9 2 What Self- Compassion Is Not 19 3 The Benefits of Self- Compassion 25 4 The Physiology of Self- Criticism and Self- Compassion 31 5 The Yin and Yang of Self- Compassion 38 6 Mindfulness 44 7 Letting Go of Resistance 50 8 Backdraft 57 9 Developing Loving- Kindness 64 10 Loving- Kindness for Ourselves 69 11 Self- Compassionate Motivation 77 12 Self- Compassion and Our Bodies 85 13 Stages of Progress 94 14 Living Deeply 100 15 Being There for Others without Losing Ourselves 110 vii viii Contents 16 Meeting Difficult Emotions 115 17 Self- Compassion and Shame 121 18 Self- Compassion in Relationships 130 19 Self- Compassion for Caregivers 138 20 Self- Compassion and Anger in Relationships 144 21 Self- Compassion and Forgiveness 153 22 Embracing the Good 160 23 Self- Appreciation 166 24 Taking It Forward 173 Resources 177 Notes 181 Practices and Exercises 195 Index 199 About the Authors 205 List of Audio Files 206 Purchasers of this book can download audio files to complement some of the exercises at www.guilford.com/neff- materials for personal use (see page 206 for details). Introduction: How to Approach This Workbook Our task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it. —Rumi We have all built barriers to love. We’ve had to in order to protect ourselves from the harsh realities of living a human life. But there is another way to feel safe and protected. When we are mindful of our struggles, and respond to ourselves with compassion, kindness, and support in times of difficulty, things start to change. We can learn to embrace ourselves and our lives, despite inner and outer imperfections, and provide ourselves with the strength needed to thrive. An explosion of research into self- compassion over the last decade has shown its benefits for well-being. Indi- viduals who are more self- compassionate tend to have greater happiness, life satis- faction, and motivation, better relationships and physical health, and less anxiety and depression. They also have the resilience needed to cope with stressful life events such as Learning to embrace divorce, health crises, academic failure, even com- yourself and your bat trauma. imperfections gives you the When we struggle, however—when we suffer, resilience needed to thrive. fail, or feel inadequate—it’s hard to be mindful toward what’s occurring; we’d rather scream and beat our fists on the table. Not only do we not like what’s happening, we think there is something wrong with us because it’s happening. In the blink of an eye we can go from “I don’t like this feeling” to “I don’t want this feeling” to “I shouldn’t have this feeling” to “Something is wrong with me for having this feeling” to “I’m bad!” 1