THE MIDDLE SCHOOL DATING GAME A COMEDY IN ONE ACT By Jennifer McVetty Copyright © MMIV by Jennifer McVetty All Rights Reserved Heuer Publishing LLC, Cedar Rapids, Iowa Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that this work is subject to a royalty. Royalty must be paid every time a play is performed whether or not it is presented for profit and whether or not admission is charged. A play is performed any time it is acted before an audience. All rights to this work of any kind including but not limited to professional and amateur stage performing rights are controlled exclusively by Heuer Publishing LLC. Inquiries concerning rights should be addressed to Heuer Publishing LLC. This work is fully protected by copyright. No part of this work may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without permission of the publisher. 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BOX 248 • CEDAR RAPIDS, IOWA 52406 TOLL FREE (800) 950-7529 • FAX (319) 368-8011 THE MIDDLE SCHOOL DATING GAME THE MIDDLE SCHOOL DATING GAME By Jennifer McVetty CAST OF CHARACTERS Y (2 MEN, 6 WOMEN, 3 EITHER) P *JANIE (m/f)..................................Girl in early teens, announcer for The Middle School Dating Game. (44 lines) O *LIZ (m/f).......................................Girl in early teens, the voice of reason in this show. (34 lines) C *BARB (m/f)..................................Girl in early teens, host of The Middle School Dating Game. (78 lines) CUE CARD GIRL (f).....................GTirl who keeps the cue cards for the Game, doesn’t speak but often gets into the action. (Non-Speaking) O SALLY (f).......................................Girl in early teens, contestant on The Middle School Dating Game. (45 lines) N FRED (m)........................................Boy in early teens, contestant on The Middle School Dating Game. (37 lines) O CONNIE (f)....................................Sally’s best friend. (10 lines) FRANK (m)....................................Fred’s friend, slimy, constantly hitting D on girls. (11 lines) NANA WHITE (f)..........................An elderly, has-been game show girl. (11 lines) JUDY (f).........................................Fred’s loud, obnoxious ex-girlfriend. (17 lines) 2 BY JENNIFER MCVETTY ANNA (f)........................................Sally’s friend who has a bad case of stage fright. (5 lines) *These characters could be played by boys with very few script changes. In Y which case, the character names could be changed to JOHNNY, KYLE and BOB. For a different spin on things, even NANA WHITE could be played by a boy in drag. Also, at the director’s discretion, additional actors could be P used to round out the studio audience. O C T O N O D 3 THE MIDDLE SCHOOL DATING GAME SETTING: Lights come up on a bare stage except for a few stage blocks, which are in the upstage center area and an easel, which is in the downstage left corner. Y AT RISE: A few seconds pass until JANIE enters and nonchalantly crosses the P stage, humming softly. As JANIE reaches center stage, she freezes, and the humming comes to an abrupt stop. JANIE pauses a moment then slowly turns her head toward the audOience as though just realizing that they are there. Upon seeing the audience, JANIE gives a little jump backward in surprise. She pauses another moment then gives the audience a very broad, fake smCile. Panicked, she suddenly turns to look offstage. JANIE: (In a loud whisper.) Psst! (She turns back to the audience T and gives another feeble smile then turns back and whispers more loudly.) PSSSSTT! (She turns again to the audience and gives an unconvincing little chuckle. Then back to offstage.) HEY! O LIZ: (Entering and crossing to JANIE.) What is it? What’s the matter? Why do you keep “psst-ing” me? (JANIE takes LIZ’S face in her hands and turns it toward the audience as LIZ is still N talking.) After all, it’s not as if - - (LIZ sees the audience.) Oh . . . JANIE: Yes, oh. LIZ: (Turning to JANIE.) An audience! JANIE: Yes, an audience. How very observant of you. O LIZ: (Turning back to the audience, panicking.) Who - - who invited them? JANIE: I didn’t invite them! You must have done it! D LIZ: It wasn’t me! It must have been you! JANIE: Don’t give me that! You know very well that - - LIZ: You’re always accusing me! (They get into an argument.) JANIE: Oh, yeah? LIZ: Yeah! BARB: (Enters and crosses to JANIE and LIZ, breaking up the fight.) Hey, hey, HEY! (She has them apart.) Look! (They all peer out into the audience.) You’re boring them! 4 BY JENNIFER MCVETTY JANIE: Hey, you’re right! Look! (Pointing.) That guy over there is almost asleep! LIZ: Doesn’t he look so cute when he’s sleeping? BARB: And that guy over there! (Pointing.) He’s so bored he’s - - Y ugh, really, sir! Please, don’t pick your nose! There are other people present, you know! JANIE: Well, only one thing to do then. (She motions to someone P offstage to come on. CUE CARD GIRL enters with a flashy coat and pretend microphone. She hands the microphone to BARB. CUE CARD GIRL and JANIE help BARB oOn with her coat as she begins the “Dating Game” lines.) LIZ: Do we have to? JANIE: Let’s do it then. C BARB: Here we go . . . CUE CARD GIRL crosses to the opposite side of the stage where her T cue cards await her on an easel. She displays a “Middle School Dating Game” sign. O BARB: (In game show announcer voice.) It’s the Middle School Dating Game! Where dating’s all brand new and the stakes are high! Pick the right person, and you could be on your way to N middle school dating paradise! But, pick the wrong one, and you could be headed for misery, heartbreak, and worst of all - - complete humiliation in front of all of your friends! So - - are you ready to play? Come on, let’s go! O JANIE: We’d like to start off today with a little history of how we got here. (CUE CARD GIRL flips to “History” card.) After all, it wasn’t too long ago that most of our encounters with members of the D opposite sex went something like this. FRED and SALLY enter carrying sandbox toys. CC GIRL displays a “Kindergarten” card. Their costume and/or manner should indicate something of kindergartners. They sit on the floor and begin playing. Their area remains lit while the lights fade on LIZ, BARB and JANIE. They play peacefully until FRED moves to SALLY’S area and begins digging. 5 THE MIDDLE SCHOOL DATING GAME SALLY: Hey! (Pushing him away.) This is my dirt. You go play in your dirt over there! FRED: Nuh-uh! (Pushing her back.) You’re not the boss of me. I Y can play in this dirt if I want! They now begin pushing each other with more force each time they P speak. SALLY: Cannot. O FRED: Can, too. SALLY: Cannot. FRED: Can, too. C JANIE crosses to them. T JANIE: Hey, guys? Hate to interrupt this brilliant conversation, but that guy in the audience? (She points.) Yeah, him. He’s picking his nose again. Let’s get on with this, shall we? O SALLY: Okay. FRED: Sorry. JANIE: Quite all right. (She moves back to the unlit portion of the N stage.) SALLY: Anyways, you can’t play over here ‘cause you’ll get your icky boy germs (Pushing him again.) in my nice clean dirt! FRED: (Pushing back.) I don’t have germs! O The pushing match resumes with even more force. D SALLY: Do too! FRED: Do not! SALLY: Do too! JANIE: (Stepping out of the dark.) Guys! The nose picker? FRED: Oops. SALLY: Sorry! FRED: (Back to SALLY.) Oh yeah? (Standing.) Well, you can’t play in my dirt ‘cause I don’t want all your yucky girl cooties! 6 BY JENNIFER MCVETTY SALLY: (Standing.) Cooties! Girls don’t got cooties! (This time they push even harder until they get into an out-and-out brawl.) FRED: Uh huh! SALLY: Nuh uh! Y FRED: Uh huh! SALLY: Nuh uh! P LIZ, BARB and JANIE enter into the light. CC GIRL and LIZ pull SALLY and FRED apart and offstage while they still try to get at each other. O JANIE: Geez, that guy in the audience is going to run out if we keep up with this! C BARB: So, we’ll move on to the next stage that occurs. In this stage, the young male searches for ways to express his affection for the female. T CC GIRL reenters and displays a “Second Grade” card. BARB and JANIE cross to the unlit portion of the stage. SALLY enters first O humming to herself. FRED sneaks up behind her and shoves her, pushing her to the ground. FRED and SALLY’S costume and/or manner should suggest second graders. N FRED: Ha, ha! SALLY: I’m telling! You’re gonna be in trouble! FRED: No, no! Don’t tell! Look, I’ve got something for you! O SALLY: For me? FRED: Yeah! (He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a rubber snake, which he dangles in front of her face.) Here you go! D SALLY: (Screams and scrambles away from him. She is teary- eyed.) Why do you always have to be so mean to me? FRED: I wasn’t being mean! This is my pet, Harvey. (He pulls the snake towards him and pats him.) Isn’t that right, Harvey? I wanted to introduce him to you because I keep telling him about you. SALLY: Really? FRED: Yup, I keep on telling him how pretty you are. 7 THE MIDDLE SCHOOL DATING GAME SALLY: Me? Pretty? FRED: Yeah - - pretty ugly! (He cracks up.) SALLY: (In tears again.) You are such a jerk! I am telling on you! (She shoves past him.) Y FRED: (Looking after her then to the audience.) Was it something I said? (He shrugs and exits.) JANIE: (Steps into light.) Yes, well, not a lot of progress there. P BARB: No, of course not because, as always, if any real progress is going to be made, it’s going to have to be made by the girls. (*This line can be cut if this role is played bOy a boy.) So, the next significant stage is when girls start to notice boys. JANIE and BARB cross to the unlit portiCon of the stage as CC GIRL flips to the “Fourth Grade” card. FRED and FRANK enter with toy trucks followed by SALLY and CONNIE. Their costume and/or manner suggest fourth grade. The boys immediately crouch on the T ground and play, while the girls stand behind them and watch. SALLY: Isn’t he cute? O CONNIE: Which one? SALLY: Ummm - - Fred. (She points to FRED as he pretends to spit.) N CONNIE: Well, if you like Fred, then I like Frank. (She points to FRANK as he wipes his nose on his sleeve.) SALLY: Okay. Then he’ll (Pointing to FRED.) be my boyfriend, and he (Pointing to FRANK.) can be your boyfriend. O CONNIE: Okay. And when we grow up, we can all get married in one big wedding! D FRANK picks up a worm and dangles it in front of FRED’S face. SALLY: Yeah, and we can live in houses right next to each other so our kids can play together. CONNIE: Yeah, and - - (She pauses as FRED grabs and eats the worm. Both girls react in disgust.) SALLY: Ewww! I changed my mind. I don’t like Fred. I like Frank! 8 BY JENNIFER MCVETTY FRANK picks up another worm. CONNIE: You can’t like Frank. He’s my boyfriend! SALLY: You can have Fred! Frank is mine! Y CONNIE: Nuh uh! I don’t want a worm eater! He is - - (She points to FRANK and begins to point to herself as he too gobbles up a worm. She ends up pointing at SALLY.) yours! Uck, you can P have them both! SALLY: (Disgusted.) You know what? I think there are some sixth grade boys over on the other end of the playOground. CONNIE: Yeah, I’ve always preferred (Tossing her hair.) older men, anyway. Let’s go. (They exit followed by the boys who are shoving each other as they exit. LigChts come up on JANIE and BARB.) JANIE: So much for women in action! BARB: Yes, well, not a lot to choose from at that age, is there? But T sixth grade - - sixth grade is where it all begins! (CC GIRL flips to “Sixth Grade” card.) JANIE: And in sixth grade, your friends become a very important part O of the process! All actors, except NANA WHITE, enter and clump into small groups, N quietly discussing the latest gossip. JANIE and BARB join a group. SALLY and CONNIE stand on one side of the stage, and FRED and FRANK stand on the other. O CONNIE: Guess what, Sally? I heard that Fred likes you! SALLY: Really? Oh, Connie, I think I like Fred, too. Tell him I like him, and see if he’ll go out with me! D CONNIE turns to the actor next to her and whispers into her ear. Each actor whispers into the next actor’s ear as CC GIRL flips cards that say things like “Sally likes Ned,” “Sally likes to wear Keds,” “Sally likes the color red,” “Sally shouldn’t eat lead,” “Know what Sally said?” “Sally’s got a fat head.” FRANK finally whispers the message to FRED. 9 THE MIDDLE SCHOOL DATING GAME FRED: (Bewildered.) Sally thinks I’m dead? FRANK shrugs while FRED looks down the line at SALLY. She makes a frustrated noise and storms offstage. FRED shrugs and Y exits. JANIE: (Stepping forward.) Hmm, well now we’re almost in high P school, so we’re a bit more mature about all this boy-girl stuff than we have been in the past. LIZ: (Stepping forward.) We are? O BARB: (Stepping forward.) Of course we are! ‘Cause now we play The Middle School Dating Game! (CC GIRL flashes the “Applause” sign at CONNIE, FRANK,C ANNA and JUDY as they sit on stage blocks to become the studio audience. She gets no response, so she holds up another sign that reads, “I said, applause!” The audience applauds and cheers wildly.) T LIZ: No, not that! Anything but that! BARB: (Ignoring LIZ.) So, enough of the preliminaries. Let’s get on with it! Hey, Janie, tell us who our lucky contestants are today! O LIZ: No! No lucky contestants! JANIE: Okay, Barb. (She crosses to the side of the stage and puts a hand to her ear in game show announcer style.) Well, they’ve N come a long way since sixth grade - - and they still think they like each other! Let’s have a warm round of applause for Saaaalllly and Frrreeeedd!!! O SALLY and FRED enter from opposite sides of the stage looking bewildered. CC GIRL holds up “Applause” sign and gets no response once again, so she holds up a “Please?” sign. Audience nudges D each other and once again, yells and applauds wildly. LIZ: Sally! Fred! Get out while you still can! JANIE: But before we play, we need to introduce one other very important person. She’s been co-host of the Middle School Dating Game for fifty years. Give it up for Nana White! LIZ: No, not Nana! I draw the line at Nana White! 10