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Title: The Laughing Willow Verses and Pictures Author: Oliver Herford Release Date: January 11, 2018 [EBook #56357] Language: English Character set encoding: UTF-8 *** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE LAUGHING WILLOW *** Produced by David Edwards, John Campbell and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was produced from images generously made available by The Internet Archive) TRANSCRIBER’S NOTE Some minor changes are noted at the end of the book. original cover THE LAUGHING WILLOW OLIVER HERFORD Apropos de Rien THE LAUGHING WILLOW VERSES AND PICTURES BY OLIVER HERFORD Author of “Artful Antics,” “The Child’s Primer of Natural History,” “Overheard in a Garden,” “Fairy Godmother-in-Law,” “Astonishing Tale of a Pen and Ink Puppet,” “The Confessions of a Caricaturist,” etc. NEW YORK GEORGE H. DORAN COMPANY Copyright, 1918, By George H. Doran Company Printed in the United States of America TO PEG Oh, should some power the giftie gie her To see hersel’ as ithers see her, I’m thinking Peg would grow sae vain He’d take the giftie back again. CONTENTS THE LAUGHING WILLOW PAGE Epitaphs 9 The Truth About Russia 11 The Wedding Feast 11 A Mujik 12 The Cossack 13 The Three S’s 14 The Air Raid 15 Vale Diabole 18 The Wrong Floor 21 Marching to Berlin 23 Target Practice 26 The Sausage Balloon 27 Concerning the Crown Prince 28 Camouflage 31 The Tank 32 The Bird-Man 33 Frenzylogical Chart 34 Britannia Salvatrix 35 Father Wilhelm 37 The Touching Ballad of General von Beers 40 An Imperial Sneeze 45 The Rubaiyat of Billi Kaisam 52 War Relief 57 Summer Mass 58 ABOUT PEOPLE I HAVE MET J. M. Barrie 61 The Horse 63 The Town Cat 65 Towser 68 The Oyster 70 The Mouse 71 PEOPLE I HAVE NOT MET The Turtle 77 Michael O’Leary 79 Clorinda 82 Alcibiades J. Skinner 85 Eve 90 The Highbrow Hen 91 Sir Ippykin 92 [Pg vii] [viii] The Psychology Cop 95 Phyllis Lee 97 Mrs. Seymour Fentolin 99 The Devil Among the Ladies 101 Spring 105 The Catfish 108 The Prodigal Centipede 109 A Ballade of Black Socks 111 OTHER PEOPLE INCLUDING MARK TWAIN The Gentlemen of Letters 115 The Women of the Better Class 118 Mark Twain 121 Prince Pompom 124 The Serial 126 The Cloud 130 THE LAUGHING WILLOW To see the Kaiser’s epitaph Would make a weeping willow laugh. THE LAUGHING WILLOW [Pg 9] EPITAPHS Willy Nilly Here lies Willy’s mortal clay In its Mother Earth’s caresses. Willy’s soul has flown away— Where it is you have two guesses. Here lies Bill Here lies Bill, the son of Fred. He lied alive; he now lies dead. Tears, Idle Tears Oh, stranger, dry the starting tear! Kaiser Bill is buried here. Pax ’Neath this stone lies Kaiser Bill. He sought for peace—he seeks it still. Requiescat Here Wilhelm sleeps. For Mercy’s sake, Tread softly, friend, lest he should wake! Ashes to Ashes Swallow him, O Earth, for he, Did his best to swallow thee. [10] [11] THE TRUTH ABOUT RUSSIA THE WEDDING FEAST This is a Russian Wedding Feast; Counting the Groom, there are at least A hundred sitting down to dine, Or let us call it ninety-nine: For more than that there is no room, And no one ever counts the Groom! A MUJIK The Mujik wears a costume weird Consisting of a fuzzy beard, A sheep-skin blouse (the wool inside) And breeks astonishingly wide, Made from the fur of North sea Whales, And Yak-hide boots with big brass nails. THE COSSACK The Cossack is so much at home Upon his horse, that though he roam From Vladivostok to Odessa, His wife has only to address a Letter to Ivan “care his Horse” To catch her Spouse, unless of course, As sometimes happens, Ivan may Have swapped addresses on the way. THE THREE S’S Without a doubt the Samovar The Steppes and Russian Sables are Of all things Russian the best known; So in this picture I have shown A Sable sitting on a flight Of Russian Steppes, before a bright New Samovar, calm as can be, Brewing a cup of Russian Tea. [12] [13] [14] THE AIR RAID I Come into the cellar, Maud. Get a move on! Goodness gracious, There is nothing to applaud In bravado ostentatious! Still Maud lingered, all unheeding, As the Siren sounded twice; Above the din her voice came pleading, “Are you sure there’s no mice?” II Above the pandemonium Of Siren shrill and warning Drum And Aircraft Gun is heard the roar Of little Freddy, ætat four; The cellar dark and dank and dim No fascination has for him, The little darling wants to be Upstairs upon the roof and see The “fireworks!” “If you ask me—” Aunt Kate was overheard to say, “I’d let the dear child have his way!” III A hidden Crime, however slight, Is sure some day to see the light; Oh, why did Auntie come to stay With us upon an Air-raid day! Why did we never think to tell her That there were Lizards in the cellar Or Spiders or an Open Drain! How shall we ever now explain That “Antique Vase” we said was lost, That Nile green horror, gold embossed, Her Wedding Present—there it lay Before her eyes, as plain as day! We almost wished a bomb would fall Upon the house and end it all! IV Who is that cowardly Jack Horner Crouching there in the darkest corner, Behind the furnace? Look again, That is no cringing coward, when Your eyes become accustomed to The darkness of the cellar, you Will see it is no other than Philander Jones and Marian; Make no mistake, Philander’s dread Is not a Zeppelin overhead, But that rude moment when he’ll hear The beastly Siren sound “All’s clear!” V “Where is Molly?” Like a Shell, Short and sharp, the question fell, Scattering every one pell mell From the cellar’s safe retreat Through the house on panic feet, [15] [16] [17] Through the house on panic feet, Basement, Attic—everywhere They sought, one hope remained and there On the Drying-roof they found her, Shrapnel flashing all around her, Calm and cool ’mid war’s alarms, Hugging something in her arms. “I’s all right—don’t cwy!” said Molly, “I tame back to det my dolly!” [18] VALE DIABOLE At a recent church conference it was decided to drop the Devil from the ritual. Well! Well! so you’ve been fired, You’ve lost your job at last. It’s high time you retired, Old Boy, you’re failing fast. You’re getting old, you know it, You are not in the race. Admit you cannot go it, The killing, modern pace. Your methods are too dull for The modern school of Hate, Your lake of burning sulphur Is sadly out of date. The Hohenzollern’s Kultur Mocks at your fiery pits, His double-headed vulture Has put yours on the fritz. Beside the fierce, blaspheming, Mail-fisted Kaiser Bill, You are a seraph beaming, An angel of good-will. But tho’ we can’t deny, sir, You’re hopelessly outclassed, You’ve one thing on the Kaiser, Which is, tho’ first and last A failure as a devil, Yet boast of this you can: You were always on the level— And—you are a gentleman! [19] [20] [21] THE WRONG FLOOR A certain Emperor (This is a censored tale) Once pounded on the door Of heaven with fist of mail. Cried Peter from within, Awakened by the row, “Stop that infernal din! Who are you, anyhow?” “Don’t bandy words with me!” Thundered the visitor. “All doors to me are free. I am the Emperor.” “If you’re an Emperor,” Said Peter, “then I fear You’ve come to the wrong floor. We take no Emperors here. “Our waiting list is filled With martyrs brave and true Whose blood an Emperor spilled. There is no room for you.” Cowed by Saint Peter’s look, The Emperor, with a frown, Cried, “Well, I’m damned!” and took The elevator—down. [22] [23] MARCHING TO BERLIN We come from God’s own country in the ships of Uncle Sam; We’re going to get the william-goat of Kaiser Will—i—am; We know it is verboten, but we do not give a damn, As we go marching to Berlin! (Drums) Berlin! Berlin! Berlin! Berlin! Berlin! As we go marching to Berlin! Refrain Hurray! Hurray! We’ll wave the Stripes and Stars! Away, away with Emperors and Czars! And when we get the Kaiser we’ll put him behind the bars, As we go marching to Berlin! (Drums) Berlin! Berlin! etc. We’re from the dear old U. S. A., the Land of Liberty; We’ve crossed a hundred rivers and three thousand miles of sea To teach the Huns a thing or two about Democracy, As we go marching to Berlin! (Drums) Berlin! Berlin! etc. Refrain Hurray! Hurray! We’ll show the Prussian swine That Freedom is the only Right Divine, And when we catch old Kaiser Bill we’ll pitch him in the Rhine, As we go marching to Berlin! (Drums) Berlin! Berlin! etc. We’ve left our happy homes that we may help to win the war. We’re a million strong already, and there’ll soon be millions more; And when the job is done with Kaiser Bill we’ll mop the floor, As we go marching to Berlin! (Drums) Berlin! Berlin! etc. Refrain Hurray! Hurray! We’re going to make it hot For all the bloody Hohenzollern lot, And when we get the Kaiser we’ll present him to his Gott, As we go marching to Berlin! (Drums) Berlin! Berlin! Berlin! Berlin! Berlin! As we go marching to Berlin! [24] [25] [26] TARGET PRACTICE At the Imperial Schützenfest Fritz Pickelheim led all the rest; At target practice Pickelheim Could hit the Red Cross every time; At the clay-baby contest Fritz Scored nineteen out of twenty hits; And once he won the Kaiser’s purse With nine live babies and a nurse. [27]