“The Funniest Five Thousand Jokes” part 1 Copyright 2016 Eric Landa Smashwords Edition Smashwords Edition Copyright © 2016 Eric Landa. All rights reserved No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author. This book is a work of fiction. People, places, events and situations are the product of the authors imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or historical events, is purely coincidental. This document is geared towards providing exact and reliable information in regards to the topic and issue covered. The publication is sold with the idea that the publisher is not required to render accounting, officially permitted, or otherwise, qualified services. If Advice is necessary, legal or professional, a practiced individual in the profession should be ordered. From a Declaration of Principles which was accepted and approved equally by a Committee of the American Bar Association and a Committee of Publishers and Associations. In no way is it legal to reproduce, duplicate, or transmit any part of this document in either electronic means or in printed format. Recording of this publication is strictly prohibited and any storage of this document is not allowed unless with written permission from the publisher. All rights reserved. The information provided herein is stated to be truthful and consistent, in that any liability, in terms of inattention or otherwise, by any usage or abuse of any policies, processes, or directions contained within is the solitary and utter responsibility of the recipient reader. Under no circumstances will any legal responsibility or blame be held against the publisher for any reparation, damages, or monetary loss due to the information herein, either directly or indirectly. Respective authors own all copyrights not held by the publisher. The information herein is offered for informational purposes solely, and is universal as so. The presentation of the information is without contract or any type of guarantee assurance. The trademarks that are used are without any consent, and the publication of the trademark is without permission or backing by the trademark owner. All trademarks and brands within this book are for clarifying purposes only and are the owned by the owners themselves, not affiliated with this document. The contents of this book has been compiled from all over the place but since these quote are the work of many others but myself, I will make this ‘book’ available as a free downloadable eBook via my website and via all major retailers. There will never be any charges for this extensive work that comes in 3 parts, all titled “The Funniest Five Thousand Jokes” parts 1, 2 & 3. Introduction I want to thank you and congratulate you for downloading this book “The Funniest Five Thousand Jokes” part 1. -From the A of Advice to the F of Family- This first book contains five thousand jokes from a variety of sources from both famous and ordinary people. Hopefully they’ll bring a smile to your face, a grin to your mouth and maybe sometimes make your fingers scratch your head every now and then. Thank you for downloading this book, I hope you’ll enjoy it! Eric Landa (www.ericlanda.com) Table of Content 0001 - 0383 Jokes on: Advice 0384 - 0418 Jokes on: Acronym 0419 - 1681 Jokes on: Animals-Insects 1682 - 1721 Jokes on: Art 1722 - 1760 Jokes on: Beauty 1761 - 1959 Jokes on: Books 1960 - 1994 Jokes on: Calendar 1995 - 1999 Jokes on: Camping 2000 - 2110 Jokes on: Cannibals 2111 - 2405 Jokes on: Charity 2406 - 2583 Jokes on: Childish 2584 - 3312 Jokes on: Children 3313 - 3355 Jokes on: Circus 3356 - 3515 Jokes on: Communication 3516 - 3984 Jokes on: Computers & Technology 3985 - 4100 Jokes on: Definitions 4101 - 4135 Jokes on: Diets 4136 - 4288 Jokes on: Difference 4289 - 4312 Jokes on: Dinosaurs 4313 - 4353 Jokes on: Dreams 4354 - 4404 Jokes on: Embarrassment 4405 - 4451 Jokes on: Exercise 4452 - 5000 Jokes on: Family #0001 I once had a lot of arguments and rants with my bank manager. But then I decided to consolidate all my rants into one simple monthly outburst. Advice #0002 "Here's a bit of Advice for you. Advi." Advice #0003 Cheer yourself up at the next funeral you go to by hiding a tenner in your black suit today. Advice #0004 "Give a man a fire and you keep him warm for a day. Set a man on fire and you keep him warm for the rest of his life!" Advice #0005 My father once told me, "Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it's something your father told you." Advice #0006 Taking the decision to bend over and tie your shoelaces on a moving escalator injects the added thrill of a 'time limit'. Advice #0007 "Lost your tree? Why not nail a picture of it to your dog?" Advice #0008 "Dear Tabloid Agony Aunt, I keep seeking out Advice for serious issues from dangerously under-qualified people. What do you suggest I do?" Advice #0009 "There's a little-known but foolproof defense against sharks. Sharks will only attack you if you're wet." Advice #0010 Sickipedia's motto - If you can't beat them, copy them. Advice #0011 Call of Duty Gamers. Temporarily blind and disorientate your opponent by unexpectedly ripping open his bedroom curtains. Advice #0012 COMMUTERS. When you leave your house, sprint the first 200 yards and then revert back to your regular walking speed. This will save you from having to do the run of shame for the bus nearer the stop and look like a fool when you miss it. Advice #0013 "My boyfriend says that I never solve my own problems. How do I prove him wrong?" Advice #0014 "I asked my teacher for Advice when taking my math exam and he said that you should always read through the paper first. That's the last time I listen to him. I was halfway through my horoscope when I heard, “Okay, pencils down.”" Advice #0015 Save money on a bigger TV by simply moving the couch closer to your existing one. Advice #0016 Be the life of the party by murdering all the other guests. Advice #0017 Don’t do anything you are not prepared to explain to a paramedic. Advice #0018 "Tip for the day: 'Harder' is not a good choice of safe word." Advice #0019 "My mum told me I should never talk to strangers. I said, “It's alright mum, I don't know any.”" Advice #0020 A contact lens, painted black, makes an ideal skullcap for a Jewish hamster. Advice #0021 "There are two rules for success: 1. don’t tell all you know" Advice #0022 "HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN... compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine & dine her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her.... HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN... show up naked, bring beer." Advice #0023 "Scientists have proven that cigarettes are harmful to the health of Children. Fair enough, use an ashtray." Advice #0024 "On a serious note, I am concerned with global warming and the effect it will have on our future, especially after reading an Article about low water levels in reservoirs. Well, I drive past my local reservoir every day, and each morning I empty a bucket of water from my tap while on my way to work. If all of us did the same, these reservoirs would be full in no time." Advice #0025 Anybody else think we'll be seeing the words "Database latency too high" on Friday? Advice #0026 "Why do women like men who are smArt, goal orientated and have a sense of humor? Because opposites attract." Advice #0027 "I recently took up meditation. It beats sitting around doing nothing." Advice #0028 When you go into court, you are putting yourself into the hands of 12 people who weren't smArt enough to get out of jury duty. Advice #0029 "You never realize what you've got till it's gone. Toilet paper being a good example." Advice #0030 "I phoned the 'Rape Helpline' yesterday. They suggested I buy a balaclava." Advice #0031 "Top Tip. London Borough Council. Putting a second 'No Ball games' sign 8 yards (7.32m) to the left of the current one will save us having to use a jumper for a goalpost." Advice #0032 "When I'm bored I like to play a game with my dear wife whilst she is hovering. I unplug it and time how long it takes her to notice." Advice #0033 "I just saw the advert for Compare the Market com saying that they are updating their server to cope with more people online. Sickipedia! Take Note!! Simples......." Advice #0034 "A man walks into a Bookshop and says, “can I have a book by Shakespeare?” “Of course, Sir, which one?" "The man replies, " "William.”" Advice #0035 "What's the best thing to come out of Coventry? The A45" Advice #0036 "Half a coconut hung from a tree makes a nutritious food for your garden birds. It also helps to keep other coconuts away from your house." Advice #0037 "Just a little bit of Advice for any parents that are reading this. If your baby is having trouble sleeping, don't put a drop of whisky in their milk bottle. It's far more effective if you put a drop of milk in a whisky bottle. It works wonders, my son has been asleep for eight days straight now." Advice #0038 Christmas Party Tip: Asking for a kiss under the camel toe is NEVER acceptable. Advice #0039 "Saw an advert for this new show called “Bulging Brides” in which soon to be brides had 2 months to fit in their dress. 2 Months! Just to fit into a dress? I could tell them where to get ripped in just 4 weeks." Advice #0040 "Top Tip: If a police officer pulls you over, do not tell him/her, “I find you very attractive...and that's not just the booze talking!”" Advice #0041 I've got a huge tip for people with lots of rubbish. Advice #0042 The best place to hide a body is on Page 2 of Google's search results. Advice #0043 Goths. Save money on black nail varnish by hitting your fingernails with a claw hammer. Advice #0044 "Leprechauns hide their gold in electrical sockets... You can check at home. Just use forks to get it out." Advice #0045 "Whatever you do, don't drink the varnish. It'll be a sad end - but a beautiful finish." Advice #0046 "Tip of the day: When a police officer says to you “Put your hands up.” Don't say, “For Detroit.”" Advice #0047 "After getting blown by my wife, I quoted from my favorite Children's film “Babe”: “That'll do, pig, that'll do.”" Advice #0048 "Woodstock; if you were really “There” you won't remember it. Apparently I was at Woodstock." Advice #0049 Fool shop keepers into thinking you're an armed robber by wearing a balaclava, pointing a gun to their head, and asking them to empty the till. Advice #0050 I learn from the mistakes of others who have taken my Advice. Advice #0051 "I went for a job interview. “Where would you like to see yourself in five years’ time?” he asked me. I thought and said, “Suspended on full pay.”" Advice #0052 If you see someone just randomly removing their iPod headphones on the bus or the Tube, you can be pretty sure they're gauging how loud their fart is. Advice #0053 "They always put ''For best before date: see side of pack'' on groceries. Why can't they just put the date there?" Advice #0054 "A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of OAPs when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks her: “Why don`t you eat the peanuts yourself?” “We can't chew them because we've no teeth”, she replied. “We just love the chocolate around them.”" Advice #0055 A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn. Advice #0056 "My boss once told me, “Don't dress for the job you have, but for the job you want”. Which makes you wonder why he fired me for coming in dressed as a Mexican wrestler" Advice #0057 "The veteran actor and director turned to me and said, “You know what they say, you should never work with Children or Animals.” “That's an old theatre saying, isn't it?” I replied. “No, it's what the police told us when we did your CRB check.”" Advice #0058 "Need overpriced, average clothes? There's a Gap for that." Advice #0059 People shouldn't worry about the world ending. It's already tomorrow in Australia! Advice #0060 "So I was getting into my car and this bloke said to me, “Can you give me a lift?” I said, “Sure... You look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!”" Advice #0061 I distinctly remember one time my parents talking to me down the phone and saying, if we throw cash away at you now, you’ll never know the value of money. But I still think it would’ve been nice for them to pay that ransom. Advice #0062 "Top tip: When going through a speed camera, flash your lights twice quickly and watch the driver in front hit their brakes when they think they've been caught." Advice #0063 When you write a joke you should always proof-read it carefully to make sure you haven't any words out. Advice #0064 "When getting into a fight in a pub, don't concern yourself with ungentlemanly fisticuffs. First shout something innocuous at your opponent, to grab the pub's attention. Then calmly walk to the door. There, turn around and in your loudest voice yell, “At least I'm not a pedophile.” The seed planted into everyone's mind will do more long-term damage than any punch could ever do." Advice #0065 Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience. Advice #0066 "What's worse than a bull in a china shop? A hedgehog in a condom factory." Advice #0067 I recently went to Birmingham with low expectations, and I left disappointed. Advice #0068 "Top tip: When at the airport, if you get asked “Anything to declare?”, it's not the best response to say “A Thumb War”. Still though, their prison isn't too bad." Advice #0069 "What have a grave yard and a beach got in common? You will have a much better time if you take a spade." Advice #0070 Is it just me that reads a joke and looks at the score before laughing or not? Advice #0071What do you do if your friends tell you not to give in to peer pressure? Advice #0072 If "fishing" means luring, hooking, catching, and potentially killing fish, shouldn't we investigate whenever someone says, "I'm kidding"? Advice #0073 Never moon a werewolf. Advice #0074 "Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is knowing not to put it in a fruit salad." Advice #0075 "Never have a motto. That's my motto." Advice #0076 Top tip: city councils save hundreds of pounds on signs warning of dangerous bends, simply tie a bunch of flowers to a nearby tree Advice #0077 If you want to write a letter, use a pen and paper. Advice #0078 "In the news was a story that a boy died by walking in front of a moving train. The excuse is that he was listening to his ipod loud. The Family have urged people not to listen to iPods while outside “for your own safety”. Wouldn't it be more constructive if she told people to look before crossing?" Advice #0079 "Giva a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and his wife will divorce him." Advice #0080 "What is the most important thing to learn in chemistry? Never lick the spoon." Advice #0081 "I'm doing an environmental studies course and I need ideas on how to save trees. Answers on a postcard please." Advice #0082 Top Tip: Avoid tears when chopping onions by using carrots instead. Advice #0083 BUS DRIVERS. If you see an attractive woman with a low cut top at the bus stop, accelerate and come to a halt 50 feet past the stop. You will then have a great view in your nearside mirror as she runs towards you. Finally, accidentally drop her change for a second look. Advice #0084 If you ever have trouble opening a bottle of champagne, my Advice, hit it with a ship. I've seen people do that, it works! Advice #0085 I always give waiters a tip, but they never seem to appreciate my Advice. Advice #0086 "'Don’t shoot the messenger.' Do postmen count? I'm going to need a quick answer on this." Advice #0087 "O.A.P drivers. The little number 5 on your gearstick refers to what is known as “Fifth Gear”. This will allow you to reach speeds of over 25 mph." Advice #0088 "If you leave a dog in a car on a hot day without water or ventilation, it could be dead in 15 minutes. However, I've discovered that if I put the heating on as well, I can get it down to about five." Advice #0089 Fool people into thinking you are an octopus by drinking several liters of ink and farting every time someone startles you. Advice #0090 Am I the only one getting annoyed with all these jokes that relate directly to Sickipedia that become so popular? These jokes don't work in the real world. Try telling a joke about data latency being too high after an awesome pedophile joke to all your friends at the pub. Your friends will hate you and you'll be lonely and you'll kill yourself. Let's get back to the actual sick jokes, people. Advice #0091 "The best thing for baldness? Hair." Advice #0092 WINDOW CLEANERS. When agreeing a price with Dr Who to clean the windows of the Tardis, don't be conned into agreeing to do the insides for the same price. Advice #0093 Never trust a plumber who wears wellies. Advice #0094 "Land Line users: Save 1 a month on “caller display” by simply answering the phone and asking who it is." Advice #0095 National Sarcasm Society - Like we need your support... Advice #0096 All I am saying is that I think the freezer deserves a light as well......... Advice #0097 Never wear skinny jeans if you don't have skinny genes. Advice #0098 Whoever said, ' Laughter is the best medicine. ‘Never had gonorrhea. Advice #0099 "They say absence makes the heart grow fonder. I'm still not tempted to dig the wife up and it's been 8 months." Advice #0100 "My mates warned me against going home with an Afro-Caribbean hairdresser last night. Woke up this morning and I've got braids." Advice #0101 I am not useless; I can always serve as a bad example. Advice #0102 "Attention ladies. If the recycle bin on your boyfriend's computer is always empty, he's up to no good." Advice #0103 Giraffes look down on people like you Advice #0104 "Top Tip #87 Freezing worms makes them easier to sharpen." Advice #0105 Manufacturers of Deluxe 'Once'. I think the word you're looking for is 'twice'. Advice #0106 Top tip: Save money on expensive cremation costs by purposely dying in a house fire. Advice #0107 You can't choose your Family ...but you can ignore their phone calls. Advice #0108 "My mate recently became a black belt in judo. I said, “That's all very well but, really, how often are you going to be attacked by a man in a dressing-gown?”" Advice #0109 "I saw a scruffy looking young man sat on the street this morning behind a card that read: “Help the Homeless” So I gave him the number of an estate agent I know." Advice #0110 "Mosh pit. Well concealed Taser. Hours of endless entertainment." Advice #0111 "My girlfriend just asked me how we were supposed to stop her dog from drinking the toilet water when I keep leaving the seat up. I told her to put it down." Advice #0112 Save money on expensive pet carriers. If you need to take your cat to the vets, simply tie its tail to one of its back legs to make an excellent carry handle. Advice #0113 “"Beware: Peanuts may cause small Children to choke” What kind of society do we live in where murder tips are advertised on the back of peanut wrappers?!" Advice #0114 "You know what they say, so I won’t tell you." Advice #0115 "'Hope you're hungry' A kind gesture in Britain; A cruel taunt in Sudan." Advice #0116 "Whispering can make almost anything sound creepier. Example: “I love little kids.”" Advice #0117 "I work in a bar called Advice. I get really good tips." Advice #0118 It was good Advice when someone told me I'd never meet the woman of my Dreams at a bar. The women in my Dreams aren't old enough to get in. Advice #0119 Here's a useful shopping tip - You can get a pair of shoes for 1 in the bowling alley. Advice #0120 Trying to be funny is like trying to force a fart - it never turns out quite as you expect and you'll likely have to leave the room. Advice #0121 "Top tip: If you have a paranoid friend and they leave their mobile lying around, pick it up and add little reminders like “I'm watching you” and “You're not alone” to random dates. Epic lots!" Advice #0122 Give a man a fish and you've fed him for a day. But teach a man to wear a fishnet stocking for a mask and hold up a bank and you've taken care of him for life, one way or another. Advice #0123 "Amuse yourself when filling in application forms. When it asks “Are you registered blind or partially-sighted?” tick slightly outside the box that says “No”." Advice #0124 UK GOVERNMENT. Reduce the amount of underage pregnancies in Britain by simply lowering the age of consent. Advice #0125 "The only thing more boring than watching paint dry... listening to paint dry." Advice #0126 "Ladies, you can't be ugly and play hard to get. It just doesn't work that way. You're already hard to want." Advice #0127 "Top Tip: Go down the pub so you don't feel guilty watching your wife do all the housework." Advice #0128 A day without sunshine is like, well, night. Advice #0129 "Marriage tip: When your wife comments that eating a dessert after dinner will make her fat, don't add the “term”. Trust me." Advice #0130 "My old Dad always said, “Lift with your legs”. I find it easier to use my arms." Advice #0131 "It is estimated that it has cost the British taxpayer 2.3 million to pay for the Pope's visit. They obviously never heard of Ryan air, return tickets from Rome start at 48." Advice #0132 Take my Advice: I don't use it anyway. Advice #0133 Word of Advice for those people who make jokes about Walkers crisp bags having very few crisps in them. Don't bother buying a Ryan air sick bag - they turn out to be even more disappointing. Advice #0134 Marathon runners cover over 26 miles in two hours, train for years and when they finish cannot breath and are bent double with pain. I, on the other hand, can spend the 2 hours in the pub