The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Dodge Club, by James De Mille This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org Title: The Dodge Club or, Italy in 1859 Author: James De Mille Release Date: October 29, 2008 [EBook #27086] Language: English Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 *** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE DODGE CLUB *** Produced by Marlo Dianne THE DODGE CLUB, OR, ITALY IN MDCCCLIX. by James De Mille Author of "Cord and Creese; or, the Brandon Mystery," etc., etc With One Hundred Illustrations New York: Harper & Brothers Publishers, Franklin Square 1872. CONTENTS. CHAPTER I. PARIS.--THE DODGE CLUB.--HOW TO SPEAK FRENCH.--HOW TO RAISE A CROWD. ILLUSTRATIONS. Dick!--Here I Invite My Friends.--The Club.--The Place Vendôme.--Keep It Buttons! CHAPTER II. ORLEANS.--HOW TO QUELL A LANDLORD.--HOW TO FIGHT OFF HUMBUGS; AND HOW TO TRAVEL WITHOUT BAGGAGE. ILLUSTRATIONS. That's A Hotel Bill.--Cicero Against Verres. --Sac-r-r-r-ré. CHAPTER III. THE RHONE IN A RAIN.--THE MAD FRENCHMAN.--SUICIDE A CAPITAL CRIME IN FRANCE. ILLUSTRATIONS. Number 729.--Horror! Despair! CHAPTER IV. MARSEILLES. CHAPTER V. THE RETIRED ORGAN-GRINDER.--THE SENATOR PHILOSOPHIZES.--EVILS OF NOT HAVING A PASSPORT. ILLUSTRATIONS. Those Italians.--Genoa, The Superb. CHAPTER VI. LAZARONI AND MACARONI. ILLUSTRATIONS. Their Noble Excellencies.--Lazaroni And Macaroni. CHAPTER VII. DOLORES.--AN ITALIAN MAID LEARNS ENGLISH.--A ROMANTIC ADVENTURE.--A MASQUERADE, AND WHAT BEFELL THE SENATOR.--A CHARMING DOMINO.--A MOONLIGHT WALK, AND AN ASTOUNDING DISCOVERY. ILLUSTRATIONS. Yankee Doodle.--I Kiss Hands.--The Young Hussar.--A Perplexed Senator.--Exit Senator. CHAPTER VIII. ADVENTURES AND MISADVENTURES.--A WET GROTTO AND A BOILING LAKE.--THE TWO FAIR SPANIARDS, AND THE DONKEY RIDE. ILLUSTRATIONS. Darn it!--Don't.--Thump!--A Trying Moment.--Senator And Donkey. CHAPTER IX. A DRIVE INTO THE COUNTRY.--A FIGHT WITH A VETTURINO.--THE EFFECT OF EATING "HARD BOILED EGGS."--WHAT THEY SAW AT PAESTUM.--FIVE TEMPLES AND ONE "MILL." ILLUSTRATIONS. Do You See That?--The Mill At Paestum. CHAPTER X. ON THE WATER, WHERE BUTTONS SEES A LOST IDEA AND GIVES CHASE TO IT, TOGETHER WITH THE HEART- SICKENING RESULTS THEREOF. ILLUSTRATIONS. The Spaniards.--A Thousand Pardons! CHAPTER XI. THE SENATOR HAS SUCH A FANCY FOR SEEKING USEFUL INFORMATION!--CURIOUS POSITION OF A WISE, AND WELL-KNOWN, AND DESERVEDLY-POPULAR LEGISLATOR, AND UNDIGNIFIED MODE OF HIS ESCAPE. ILLUSTRATIONS. The Senator. CHAPTER XII. HERCULANEUM AND POMPEII, AND ALL THAT THE SIGHT OF THOSE FAMOUS PLACES PRODUCED ON THE MINDS OF THE DODGE CLUB. ILLUSTRATIONS. Villa Of Diomedes.--Phew!--A Street In Pompeii. CHAPTER XIII. VESUVIUS.--WONDERFUL ASCENT OF THE CONE.--WONDERFUL DESCENT INTO THE CRATER.--AND MOST WONDERFUL DISAPPEARANCE OF MR. FIGGS, AFTER WHOM ALL HIS FRIENDS GO, WITH THEIR LIVES IN THEIR HANDS.--GREAT SENSATION AMONG SPECTATORS. ILLUSTRATIONS. The Ascent Of Vesuvius.--The Descent Of Vesuvius.--Where's Figgs?--Mr Figgs.--The Ladies. CHAPTER XIV. MAGNIFICENT ATTITUDE OF THE SENATOR; BRILLIANCY OF BUTTONS; AND PLUCK OF THE OTHER MEMBERS OF THE CLUB: BY ALL OF WHICH THE GREATEST EFFECTS ARE PRODUCED. ILLUSTRATIONS. The Bandits Captured.--Sold. CHAPTER XV. DOLORES ONCE MORE.--A PLEASANT CONVERSATION.--BUTTONS LEARNS MORE OF HIS YOUNG FRIEND.-- AFFECTING FAREWELL. ILLUSTRATIONS. Two Piastres!--The Brave Soldier. CHAPTER XVI. DICK RELATES A FAMILY LEGEND. ILLUSTRATIONS. Buying A Whale.--The Long-Lost Son. CHAPTER XVII. NIGHT ON THE ROAD.--THE CLUB ASLEEP.--THEY ENTER ROME.--THOUGHTS ON APPROACHING AND ENTERING "THE ETERNAL CITY." ILLUSTRATIONS. To Rome. CHAPTER XVIII. A LETTER BY DICK, AND CRITICISMS OF HIS FRIENDS. CHAPTER XIX. ST. PETER'S!--THE TRAGIC STORY OF THE FAT MAN IN THE BALL.--HOW ANOTHER TRAGEDY NEARLY HAPPENED.--THE WOES OF MEINHERR SCHATT. ILLUSTRATIONS. Gracious Me! CHAPTER XX. THE GLORY, GRANDEUR, BEAUTY, AND INFINITE VARIETY OF THE PINCIAN HILL; NARRATED AND DETAILED NOT COLUMNARILY BUT EXHAUSTIVELY, AND AFTER THE MANNER OF RABELAIS. CHAPTER XXI. HARMONY ON THE PINCIAN HILL.--MUSIC HATH CHARMS.--AMERICAN MELODIES. --THE GLORY, THE POWER, AND THE BEAUTY OF YANKEE DOODLE, AND THE MERCENARY SOUL OF AN ITALIAN ORGAN-GRINDER. ILLUSTRATIONS. Old Virginny. CHAPTER XXII. HOW A BARGAIN IS MADE.--THE WILES OF THE ITALIAN TRADESMAN.--THE NAKED SULKY BEGGAR, AND THE JOVIAL WELL-CLAD BEGGAR.--WHO IS THE KING OF BEGGARS? ILLUSTRATIONS. The Shrug. CHAPTER XXIII. THE MANIFOLD LIFE OF THE CAFÉ NUOVO, AND HOW THEY RECEIVED THE NEWS ABOUT MAGENTA.--EXCITEMENT.-- ENTHUSIASM.--TEARS.--EMBRACES. ILLUSTRATIONS. News Of Magenta! CHAPTER XXIV. CHECKMATE! ILLUSTRATIONS. Before And After. CHAPTER XXV. BUTTONS A MAN OF ONE IDEA.--DICK AND HIS MEASURING TAPE.--DARK EYES. --SUSCEPTIBLE HEART.--YOUNG MAIDEN WHO LIVES OUT OF TOWN.--GRAND COLLISION OF TWO ABSTRACTED LOVERS IN THE PUBLIC STREETS. ILLUSTRATIONS. Away!--Pepita. CHAPTER XXVI. CONSEQUENCES OF BEING GALLANT IN ITALY, WHERE THERE ARE LOVERS, HUSBANDS, BROTHERS, FATHERS, COUSINS, AND INNUMERABLE OTHER RELATIVES AND CONNECTIONS, ALL READY WITH THE STILETTO. ILLUSTRATIONS. An Interruption. CHAPTER XXVII. DICK ON THE SICK LIST.--RAPTURE OF BUTTONS AT MAKING AN IMPORTANT DISCOVERY. ILLUSTRATIONS. Poor Dick! CHAPTER XXVIII. WHAT KIND OF A LETTER THE SENATOR WROTE FOR THE "NEW ENGLAND PATRIOT," WHICH SHOWS A TRITE, LIBERAL, UNBIASED, PLAIN, UNVARNISHED VIEW OF ROME. ILLUSTRATIONS. Sketches By A Friend. CHAPTER XXIX. THE LONELY ONE AND HIS COMFORTER.--THE TRUE MEDICINE FOR A SICK MAN. CHAPTER XXX. OCCUPATIONS AND PEREGRINATIONS OF BUTTONS. ILLUSTRATIONS. Buttons and Murray. CHAPTER XXXI. BUTTONS ACTS THE GOOD SAMARITAN, AND LITERALLY UNEARTHS A MOST UNEXPECTED VICTIM OF AN ATROCIOUS ROBBERY.--GR-R-R-A-CIOUS ME! CHAPTER XXXII. ANOTHER DISCOVERY MADE BY BUTTONS. CHAPTER XXXIII. [Transcriber's Note: Transliteration of Greek.] Brekekek koax koax koax. [TN: /end Greek.] ILLUSTRATIONS. Brekekekek koax koax! CHAPTER XXXIV. THE SENATOR PURSUES HIS INVESTIGATIONS.--AN INTELLIGENT ROMAN TOUCHES A CHORD IN THE SENATOR'S HEART THAT VIBRATES.--RESULTS OF THE VIBRATION.--A VISIT FROM THE ROMAN POLICE; AND THE GREAT RACE DOWN THE CORSO BETWEEN THE SENATOR AND A ROMAN SPY.--GLEE OF THE POPULACE!--HI! HI! ILLUSTRATIONS. Got You There!--Walking Spanish. CHAPTER XXXV. DICK MAKES ANOTHER EFFORT, AND BEGINS TO FEEL ENCOURAGED. ILLUSTRATIONS. Dick Thinks It Over. The Senator In A Bad Fix.--The Senator In A Worse Fix. CHAPTER XXXVII. _ROME_.--_ANCIENT HISTORY_.--THE PREHISTORIC ERA.--CRITICAL EXAMINATION OF NIEBUHR AND HIS SCHOOL.-- THE EARLY HISTORY OF ROME PLACED ON A RIGHT BASIS.--EXPLANATION OF HISTORY OF REPUBLIC. --NAPOLEON'S "CAESAR."--THE IMPERIAL REGIME.--THE NORTHERN BARBARIANS.--RISE OF THE PAPACY.--MEDIAEVAL ROME. _TOPOGRAPHY_.--TRUE ADJUSTMENT OF BOUNDS OF ANCIENT CITY.--ITS PROBABLE POPULATION.--_GEOLOGY_.-- EXAMINATION OF FORMATION.--TUFA TRAVERTINE.--ROMAN CEMENT.--TERRA-COTTA. _SPECIAL CONSIDERATION OF ROMAN CATACOMBS_.--BOSIO.--ARRINGHI.--CARDINAL WISEMAN.--RECENT EXPLORATIONS, INVESTIGATIONS, EXAMINATIONS, EXHUMATIONS, AND RESUSCITATIONS.--EARLY CHRISTIAN HISTORY SET ON A TRUE BASIS. -- RELICS.--MARTYRS.--REAL ORIGIN OF CATACOMBS.--TRUE AND RELIABLE EXTENT (WITH MAPS). _REMARKS ON ART_.--THE RENAISSANCE.--THE EARLY PAINTERS: CIMABUE, GIOTTO, PERUGINO, RAFAELLE SANZIO, MICHELANGELO BUONAROTTI.--THE TRANSFIGURATION.--THE MOSES OF MICHELANGELO.--BELLINI.--SAINT PETER'S, AND MORE PARTICULARLY THE COLONNADE.--THE LAST JUDGMENT. --DANTE.--THE MEDIAEVAL SPIRIT.--EFFECT OF GOTHIC ART ON ITALY AND ITALIAN TASTE.--COMPARISON, OF LOMBARD WITH SICILIAN CHURCHES.--TO WHAT EXTENT ROME INFLUENCED THIS DEVELOPMENT.--THE FOSTERING SPIRIT OF THE CHURCH.--ALL MODERN ART CHRISTIAN.--WHY THIS WAS A NECESSITY. --FOLLIES OF MODERN CRITICS.--REYNOLDS AND RUSKIN.--HOW FAR POPULAR TASTE IS WORTH ANY THING.--CONCLUDING REMARKS OF A MISCELLANEOUS DESCRIPTION. CHAPTER XXXVIII. ITALIAN TRAVEL, ROADS, INNS.--A GRAND BREAKDOWN.--AN ARMY OF BEGGARS.--SIX MEN HUNTING UP A CARRIAGE WHEEL; AND PLANS OF THE SENATOR FOR THE GOOD OF ITALY. ILLUSTRATIONS. Travelling In Italy.--The Senator's Escort. CHAPTER XXXIX. TRIUMPHANT PROGRESS OF DICK.--GENDARMES FOILED.--THE DODGE CLUB IS ATTACKED BY BRIGANDS, AND EVERY MAN OF IT COVERS HIMSELF WITH GLORY.--SCREAM OF THE AMERICAN EAGLE! ILLUSTRATIONS. Dick In His Glory.--Pietro.--The Barricade. CHAPTER XL. PLEASANT MEDIATIONS ABOUT THE WONDERS OF TOBACCO; AND THREE PLEASANT ANECDOTES BY AN ITALIAN BRIGAND. CHAPTER XLI. FINAL ATTACK OF REINFORCEMENTS OF BRIGANDS.--THE DODGE CLUB DEFIES THEM AND REPELS THEM.--HOW TO MAKE A BARRICADE.--FRATERNIZATION OF AMERICAN EAGLE AND GALLIC COCK.--THERE'S NOTHING LIKE LEATHER. ILLUSTRATIONS. An International Affair. CHAPTER XLII. FLORENCE.--DESPERATION OF BUTTONS, OF MR. FIGGS, AND OF THE DOCTOR. ILLUSTRATIONS. Florence From San Miniato.--Pitti Palace.--Fountain Of Neptune, Palazzo Vecchio.--The Duomo.--The Campanile.--Trozzi Palace. --Buttons Melancholy. CHAPTER XLIII. THE SENATOR ENTRAPPED.--THE WILES AND WITCHERY OF A QUEEN OF SOCIETY. --HIS FATE DESTINED TO BE, AS HE THINKS, ITALIAN COUNTESSES. --SENTIMENTAL CONVERSATION.--POETRY.--BEAUTY.--MOONLIGHT.--RAPTURE. -- DISTRACTION.--BLISS! ILLUSTRATIONS. La Cica. CHAPTER XLIV. "MORERE DIAGORA, NON ENIM IN COELUM ADSCENSURUS ES."--THE APOTHEOSIS OF THE SENATOR (NOTHING LESS-- IT WAS A MOMENT IN WHICH A MAN MIGHT WISH TO DIE--THOUGH, OF COURSE, THE SENATOR DIDN'T DIE). ILLUSTRATIONS. Solferino!--The Senator Speaks. CHAPTER XLV. THE PRIVATE OPINION OF THE DOCTOR ABOUT FOREIGN TRAVEL.--BUTTONS STILL MEETS WITH AFFLICTIONS. ILLUSTRATIONS. A Grease Spot.--Farewell, Figgs! CHAPTER XLVI. A MEMORABLE DRIVE.--NIGHT.--THE BRIGANDS ONCE MORE.--GARIBALDI'S NAME.--THE FIRE.--THE IRON BAR.--THE MAN FROM THE GRANITE STATE AND HIS TWO BOYS. ILLUSTRATIONS. In The Coach.--A Free Fight.--Don't Speak. CHAPTER XLVII. BAD BRUISES, BUT GOOD MUSES.--THE HONORABLE SCABS OF DICK.--A KNOWLEDGE OF BONES. CHAPTER XLVIII. SUFFERING AND SENTIMENT AT BOLOGNA.--MOONSHINE.--BEST BALM FOR WOUNDS. ILLUSTRATIONS. Used Up. CHAPTER XLIX. CROSSING INTO THE ENEMY'S COUNTRY.--CONSTERNATION OF THE CUSTOM-HOUSE OFFICERS. ILLUSTRATIONS. Buttons In Bliss. CHAPTER L. VENICE AND ITS PECULIAR GLORY.--THE DODGE CLUB COME TO GRIEF AT LAST. --UP A TREE.--IN A NET, ETC. ILLUSTRATIONS. Dick's Luggage.--Arrested.--Silence! CHAPTER LI. THE AMERICAN EAGLE AND THE AUSTRIAN DOUBLE-HEADED DITTO. ILLUSTRATIONS. Don't Try It On With Me. CHAPTER LII. THE SENATOR STILL ENGAGED IN FACING DOWN THE AUSTRIAN.--THE AMERICAN CONSUL.--UNEXPECTED RE- APPEARANCE OF FORGOTTEN THINGS.--COLLAPSE OF THE COURT. ILLUSTRATIONS. Watts Mis-spelled. CHAPTER LIII. A MYSTERIOUS FLIGHT.--DESPAIR OF BUTTONS.--PURSUIT.--HISTORIC GROUND, AND HISTORIC CITIES. ILLUSTRATIONS. Formalities. CHAPTER LIV. DICK MEETS AN OLD FRIEND.--THE EMOTIONAL NATURE OF THE ITALIAN. --THE SENATOR OVERCOME AND DUMBFOUNDED. ILLUSTRATIONS. The Count Ugo. CHAPTER LV. IN WHICH BUTTONS WRITES A LETTER; AND IN WHICH THE CLUB LOSES AN IMPORTANT MEMBER.--SMALL BY DEGREES AND BEAUTIFULLY LESS. CHAPTER LVI. THE FAITHFUL ONE!--DARTS, DISTRACTION, LOVE'S VOWS, OVERPOWERING SCENE AT THE MEETING OF TWO FOND ONES.--COMPLETE BREAK-DOWN OF THE HISTORIAN. ILLUSTRATIONS. The Door. CHAPTER LVII. THE DODGE CLUB IN PARIS ONCE MORE.--BUTTONS'S "JOLLY GOOD HEALTH." ILLUSTRATIONS. He's A Jolly Good Fellow. [Illustration: Dick!] CHAPTER I. PARIS.--THE DODGE CLUB.--HOW TO SPEAK FRENCH.--HOW TO RAISE A CROWD. It is a glorious day in Paris. The whole city is out in the public places, watching the departure of the army of Italy. Every imaginable uniform, on foot and on horseback, enlivens the scene. Zouaves are everywhere. Cent Gardes hurry to and fro, looking ferocious. Imperial Gardes look magnificent. Innumerable little red-legged soldiers of the line dance about, gesticulating vehemently. Grisettes hang about the necks of departing braves. A great many tears are shed, and a great deal of bombast uttered. For the invincible soldiers of France are off to fight for an idea; and doesn't every one of them carry a marshal's baton in his knapsack? A troop of Cent Gardes comes thundering down in a cloud of dust, dashing the people right and left. Loud cheers arise: "Vive l'Empereur!" The hoarse voices of myriads prolong the yell. It is Louis Napoleon. He touches his hat gracefully to the crowd. A chasseur leaps into a cab. "Where shall I take you?" "To Glory!" shouts the soldier. The crowd applaud. The cabman drives off and don't want any further direction. Here a big-bearded Zouave kisses his big-bearded brother in a blouse. "Adieu, mon frère; write me." "Where shall I write?" "Direct to Vienna--_poste restante_." Every body laughs at every thing, and the crowd are quite wild at this. A young man is perched upon a pillar near the garden wall of the Tuileries. He enjoys the scene immensely. After a while he takes a clay pipe from his pocket and slowly fills it. Having completed this business he draws a match along the stone and is just about lighting his pipe. "Halloo!" Down drops the lighted match on the neck of an _ouvrier_. It burns. The man scowls up; but seeing the cause, smiles and waves his hand forgivingly. "Dick!" At this a young man in the midst of the crowd stops and looks around. He is a short young man, in whose face there is a strange mixture of innocence and shrewdness. He is pulling a baby-carriage, containing a small specimen of French nationality, and behind him walks a majestic female. The young man Dick takes a quick survey and recognizes the person who has called him. Down drops the pole of the carriage, and, to the horror of the majestic female, he darts off, and, springing up the pillar, grasps first the foot and then the hand of his friend. "Buttons!" he cried; "what, you! you here in Paris!" "I believe I am." "Why, when did you come?" "About a month ago." "I had no idea of it. I didn't know you were here." "And I didn't know that you were. I thought by this time that you were in Italy. What has kept you here so long?" Dick looked confused. "Why the fact is, I am studying German." "German! in Paris! French, you mean." "No, German." "You're crazy; who with?" Dick nodded his head toward his late companion. "What, that woman? How she is scowling at us!" "Is she?" said Dick, with some trepidation. "Yes. But don't look. Have you been with her all the time?" "Yes, seven months." "Studying German!" cried Buttons, with a laugh. "Who is she?" "Madame Bang." [Illustration: Here I Invite My Friends.] "Bang? Well, Madame Bang must look out for another lodger. You must come with me, young man. You need a guardian. It's well that I came in time to rescue you. Let's be off!" And the two youths descended and were soon lost in the crowd. *** "Three flights of steps are bad enough; but great Heavens! what do you mean by taking a fellow up to the eighth story?" Such was the exclamation of Dick as he fell exhausted into a seat in a little room at the top of one of the tallest houses in Paris. "Economy, my dear boy." "Ehem!" "Paris is overflowing, and I could get no other place without paying an enormous price. Now I am trying to husband my means." "I should think so." "I sleep here--" "And have plenty of bedfellows." "I eat here--" "The powers of the human stomach are astounding." "And here I invite my friends." "Friends only. I should think. Nothing but the truest friendship could make a man hold out in such an ascent." "But come. What are your plans?" "I have none." "Then you must league yourself with me." "I shall be delighted." "And I'm going to Italy." "Then I'm afraid our league is already at an end." "Why?" "I haven't money enough." "How much have you?" "Only five hundred dollars; I've spent all the rest of my allowance." "Five hundred? Why, man, I have only four hundred." "What! and you're going to Italy?" "Certainly." "Then I'll go too and run the risk. But is this the style?" and Dick looked dolefully around. "By no means--not always. But you must practice economy." "Have you any acquaintances?" "Yes, two. We three have formed ourselves into a society for the purpose of going to Italy. We call ourselves the Dodge Club." "The Dodge Club?" "Yes. Because our principle is to dodge all humbugs and swindles, which make travelling so expensive generally. We have gained much experience already, and hope to gain more. One of my friends is a doctor from Philadelphia, Doctor Snakeroot, and the other is Senator Jones from Massachusetts. Neither the Doctor nor the Senator understands a word of any language but the American. That is the reason why I became acquainted with them. "First as to the Doctor, I picked him up at Dunkirk. It was in a café. I was getting my modest breakfast when I saw him come in. He sat down and boldly asked for coffee. After the usual delay the garçon brought him a small cup filled with what looked like ink. On the waiter was a cup of _eau de vie_, and a little plate containing several enormous lumps of loaf-sugar. Never shall I forget the Doctor's face of amazement. He looked at each article in succession. What was the ink for? what the brandy? what the sugar? He did not know that the two first when mixed makes the best drink in the world, and that the last is intended for the pocket of the guest by force of a custom dear to every Frenchman. To make a long story short, I explained to him the mysteries of French coffee, and we became sworn friends. "My meeting with the Senator was under slightly different circumstances. It was early in the morning. It was chilly. I was walking briskly out of town. Suddenly I turned a corner and came upon a crowd. They surrounded a tall man. He was an American, and appeared to be insane. First he made gestures like a man hewing or chopping. Then he drew his hand across his throat. Then he staggered forward and pretended to fall. Then he groaned heavily. After which he raised himself up and looked at the crowd with an air of mild inquiry. They did not laugh. They did not even smile. They listened respectfully, for they knew that the strange gentleman wished to express something. On the whole, I think if I hadn't come up that the Senator would have been arrested by a stiff gendarme who was just then coming along the street. As it was, I arrived just in time to learn that he was anxious to see the French mode of killing cattle, and was trying to find his way to the abattoirs. The Senator is a fine man, but eminently practical. He used to think the French language an accomplishment only. He has changed his mind since his arrival here. He has one little peculiarity, and that is, to bawl broken English at the top of his voice when he wants to communicate with foreigners." [Illustration: The Club.] Not long afterward the Dodge Club received a new member in the person of Mr. Dick Whiffletree. The introduction took place in a modest café, where a dinner of six courses was supplied for the ridiculous sum of one franc--soup, a roast, a fry, a bake, a fish, a pie, bread at discretion, and a glass of vinegar generously thrown in. At one end of the table sat the Senator, a very large and muscular man, with iron-gray hair, and features that were very strongly marked and very strongly American. He appeared to be about fifty years of age. At the other sat the Doctor, a slender young man in black. On one side sat Buttons, and opposite to him was Dick. "Buttons," said the Senator, "were you out yesterday?" "I was." "It was a powerful crowd." "Rather large." "It was immense. I never before had any idea of the population of Paris. New York isn't to be compared to it." "As to crowds, that is nothing uncommon in Paris. Set a rat loose in the Champs Elysées, and I bet ten thousand people will be after it in five minutes." "Sho!" "Any thing will raise a crowd in Paris." "It will be a small one, then." "My dear Senator, in an hour from this I'll engage myself to raise as large a crowd as the one you saw yesterday." "My dear Buttons, you look like it." "Will you bet?" "Bet? Are you in earnest?" "Never more so." "But there is an immense crowd outside already." "Then let the scene of my trial be in a less crowded place--the Place Vendôme, for instance." "Name the conditions." "In an hour from this I engage to fill the Place Vendôme with people. Whoever fails forfeits a dinner to the Club." The eyes of Dick and the Doctor sparkled. "Done!" said the Senator. "All that you have to do," said Buttons, "is to go to the top of the Colonne Vendôme and wave your hat three times when you want me to begin." "I'll do that. But it's wrong," said the Senator. "It's taking money from you. You must lose." "Oh, don't be alarmed," said Buttons, cheerfully. The Dodge Club left for the Place Vendôme, and the Senator, separating himself from his companions, began the ascent. Buttons left his friends at a corner to see the result, and walked quickly down a neighboring street. [Illustration: The Place Vendôme.] Dick noticed that every one whom he met stopped, stared, and then walked quickly forward, looking up at the column. These people accosted others, who did the same. In a few minutes many hundreds of people were looking up and exchanging glances with one another. In a short time Buttons had completed the circuit of the block, and re-entered the Place by another street. He was running at a quick pace, and, at a moderate calculation, about two thousand _gamins de Paris_ ran before, beside, and behind him. Gens d'armes caught the excitement, and rushed frantically about. Soldiers called to one another, and tore across the square gesticulating and shouting. Carriages stopped; the occupants stared up at the column; horsemen drew up their rearing horses; dogs barked; children screamed; up flew a thousand windows, out of which five thousand heads were thrust. At the end of twenty minutes, after a very laborious journey, the Senator reached the top of the column. He looked down. A cry of amazement burst from him. The immense Place Vendôme was crammed with human beings. Innumerable upturned faces were staring at the startled Senator. All around, the lofty houses sent all their inmates to the open window, through which they looked up. The very house-tops were crowded. Away down all the streets which led to the Place crowds of human beings poured along. "Well," muttered the Senator, "it's evident that Buttons understands these Frenchmen. However, I must perform my part, so here goes." And the Senator, majestically removing his hat, waved it slowly around his head seven times. At the seventh whirl his fingers slipped, and a great gust of wind caught the hat and blew it far out into the air. It fell. A deep groan of horror burst forth from the multitude, so deep, so long, so terrible that the Senator turned pale. A hundred thousand heads upturned; two hundred thousand arms waved furiously in the air. The tide of new-comers flowing up the other streets filled the Place to overflowing; and the vast host of people swayed to and fro, agitated by a thousand passions. All this was the work of but a short time. "Come," said the Senator, "this is getting beyond a joke." There was a sudden movement among the people at the foot of the column. The Senator leaned over to see what it was. At once a great cry came up, like the thunder of a cataract, warningly, imperiously, terribly. The Senator drew back confounded. Suddenly he advanced again. He shook his head deprecatingly, and waved his arms as if to disclaim any evil motives which they might impute to him. But they did not comprehend him. Scores of stiff gens d'armes, hundreds of little soldiers, stopped in their rush to the foot of the column to shake their fists and scream at him. "Now if I only understood their doosid lingo," thought the Senator. "But"--after a pause--"it wouldn't be of no account up here. And what an awkward fix," he added, "for the father of a family to stand hatless on the top of a pillory like this! Sho!" There came a deep rumble from the hollow stairway beneath him, which grew nearer and louder every moment. "Somebody's coming," said the Senator. "Wa'al, I'm glad. Misery loves company. Perhaps I can purchase a hat." In five minutes more the heads of twenty gens d'armes shot up through the opening in the top of the pillar, one after another, and reminded the Senator of the "Jump-up-Johnnies" in children's toys. Six of them seized him and made him prisoner. The indignant Senator remonstrated, and informed them that he was an American citizen. His remark made no impression. They did not understand English. The Senator's wrath made his hair fairly bristle. He contented himself, however, with drawing up the programme of an immediate war between France and the Great Republic. It took an hour for the column to get emptied. It was choked with people rushing up. Seven gentlemen fainted, and three escaped with badly sprained limbs. During this time the Senator remained in the custody of his captors. At last the column was cleared. The prisoner was taken down and placed in a cab. He saw the dense crowd and heard the mighty murmurs of the people. He was driven away for an immense distance. It seemed miles. At last the black walls of a huge edifice rose before him. The cab drove under a dark archway. The Senator thought of the dungeons of the Inquisition, and other Old World horrors of which he had heard in his boyhood. *** So the Senator had to give the dinner. The Club enjoyed it amazingly. Almost at the moment of his entrance Buttons had arrived, arm in arm with the American minister, whose representations and explanations procured the Senator's release. "I wouldn't have minded it so much," said the Senator, from whose manly bosom the last trace of vexation had fled, "if it hadn't been for that darned policeman that collared me first. What a Providence it was that I didn't knock him down! Who do you think he was?" "Who?" "The very man that was going to arrest me the other day when I was trying to find my way to the slaughter-house. That man is my evil genius. I will leave Paris before another day." "The loss of your hat completed my plans," said Buttons. "Was that done on purpose? Did you throw it down for the sake of saying 'Take my hat?'" "No. It was the wind," said the Senator, innocently. "But how did you manage to raise the crowd? You haven't told us that yet." "How? In the simplest way possible. I told every soul I met that a crazy man was going up the Colonne Vendôme to throw himself down." A light burst in upon the Senator's soul. He raised his new hat from a chair, and placing it before Buttons, said fervently and with unction: "Keep it, Buttons!" [Illustration: Keep It Buttons!] [Illustration: That's A Hotel Bill.] CHAPTER II. ORLEANS.--HOW TO QUELL A LANDLORD.--HOW TO FIGHT OFF HUMBUGS; AND HOW TO TRAVEL WITHOUT BAGGAGE. A tremendous uproar in the hall of a hotel at Orleans awaked every member of the Dodge Club from the sound and refreshing slumber into which they had fallen after a fatiguing journey from Paris. Filing out into the hall one after another they beheld a singular spectacle. It was a fat man, bald-headed, middle-aged, with a well-to-do look, that burst upon their sight. He was standing in the hall with flushed face and stocking feet, swearing most frightfully. A crowd of waiters stood around shrugging their shoulders, and trying to soothe him. As the fat man spoke English, and the waiters French, there was a little misapprehension. "There, gentlemen," cried the fat man, as he caught sight of our four friends, "look at that! What do you call that?" "That?" said Buttons, taking a paper which the fat man thrust in his face, "why, that's a hotel bill." "A hotel bill? Why it's an imposition!" cried the other excitedly. "Perhaps it is," said Buttons, coolly. "Of course it is! Read it out loud, and let these gentlemen see what they think of it." "I'll read it in English," said Buttons, "for the benefit of the Club:" Mister Blank, To the Hotel du Roi: One dinner..........3 francs. Six porters.........6 francs. One cab.............2 francs. One do..............2 francs. One information.....5 francs. Wine................5 francs. Tobacco............ 2 francs. One bed.............5 francs. One boots...........1 francs. One candle..........1 francs. One candle..........1 francs. One candle..........1 francs. One candle..........1 francs. ============================= 35 francs. "By Jove! Thirty-five francs! My dear Sir. I quite agree with you. It's an imposition." A deep sigh expressed the relief of the fat man at this mark of sympathy. "There's no redress," said Buttons. "You'll have to grin and bear it. For you must know that in these inland towns hotel-keepers are in league, offensive and defensive, with all the cab-drivers, omnibus-drivers, postillions, truckmen, hostlers, porters, errand-boys, café-keepers, cicerones, tradesmen, lawyers, chambermaids, doctors, priests, soldiers, gens d'armes, magistrates, etc., etc., etc. In short, the whole community is a joint- stock company organized to plunder the unsuspecting traveller." "And must I stand here and be swindled without a word?" cried the other. "By no means. Row like fury. Call up the whole household one by one, and swear at them in broad Saxon. That's the way to strike terror into the soul of a Frenchman." The fat man stared for a moment at Buttons, and then plunging his hands deep into his trowsers pockets he walked up and down the hall. At last he turned to the others: "Gentlemen, is this endurable?" "Horrible!" cried Dick. "Abominable!" the Doctor. "Infamous!" the Senator. "By jingo! I've a great mind to go home. If I've pot to be plundered, I'd a durned sight rather have my money go to support our own great and glorious institutions." There is no doubt that the unfortunate man would have had to pay up if it bad not been for the energetic action of Buttons. He summoned the hotel-keeper before him, and closing the door, asked his friends to sit down. Then Buttons, standing up, began to repeat to the hotel-keeper, smilingly, but with extraordinary volubility, Daniel Webster's oration against Hayne. The polite Frenchman would not interrupt him, but listened with a bland though somewhat dubious smile. The Dodge Club did infinite credit to themselves by listening without a smile to the words of their leader. Buttons then went through the proposition about the hypothenuse of a right-angled triangle, and appended the words of a few negro songs. Here the worthy landlord interrupted him, begging his pardon, and telling him that he did not understand English very well, and could his Excellency speak French? His Excellency, with equal politeness, regretted his want of complete familiarity with French. He was forced when he felt deeply on any subject to express himself in English. Then followed Cicero's oration against Verres, and he was just beginning a speech of Chatham's when the landlord surrendered at discretion. When, after the lapse of three hours and twenty-five minutes, the fat man held his bill toward him, and Buttons offered five francs, he did not even remonstrate, but took the money, and hastily receipting the bill with his pencil, darted from the room. "Well," exclaimed the Senator, when he had recovered from the effects of the scene--"I never before realized the truth of a story I once heard." "What was the story?" "Oh, it was about a bet between a Yankee and a Frenchman, who could talk the longest. The two were shut up in a room. They remained there three days. At the end of that time their friends broke open the door and entered, and what do you think they found there?" "Nobody?" suggested the fat man. "No," said the Senator, with a glow of patriotic pride on his fine face. "But they found the Frenchman lying dead upon the floor, and the Yankee whispering in his ear the beginning of the second part of the Higgins story." "And what is the Higgins story?" "For Heaven's sake," gasped the Doctor, starting up, "don't ask him now--wait till next week!" As they passed over the Mountains of Auvergne a new member was added to the Dodge Club. It was the fat man. He was President of a Western bank. His name was Figgs. *** It was a damp, dull, dreary, drenching night, when the lumbering diligence bore the Dodge Club through the streets of Lyons and up to the door of their hotel. Seventeen men and five small boys stood bowing ready to receive them.