] WENOY NORTHCUTTI Cr_1ot or__...Do'w,,,Awo,d. ~om the arw inAwards • Evolution in Action • <jot. • ddat$$0.qxd 7/30/02 8:58 Page iii EVOLUTION IN ACTION Wendy Northcutt A PLUME BOOK (cid:2) Dutton/Plume 003/Q-42A16597-121 CGI Contact: Kim Horton ddat$$0.qxd 7/30/02 8:58 Page iv The Darwin Awards: Evolution in Action contains cautionary tales of misadventure. It is intended to be viewed as a safety manual, not a how-to guide. The stories illustrate evolution working through natural selection: Those whose actions have lethal personal consequences are weeded out of the gene pool. Your decisions can kill you, so pay attention and stay alive For further information about how to avoid the scythe of natural selection, read Darwin’s lessons on safety, science, and the social implications of evolution. Safety Class www.DarwinAwards.com/book/teach.html PLUME Published by the Penguin Group, Penguin Putnam Inc., 375 Hudson Street, New York, New York 10014, U.S.A. Penguin Books Ltd, 27 Wrights Lane, London W8 5TZ, England Penguin Books Australia Ltd, Ringwood, Victoria, Australia Penguin Books Canada Ltd, 10 Alcorn Avenue, Toronto, Ontario, Canada M4V3B2 Penguin Books (N.Z.) Ltd, 182-190 Wairau Road, Auckland 10, New Zealand Penguin Books Ltd, Registered Offices: Harmondsworth, Middlesex, England Published by Plume, a member of Penguin Putnam, Inc. Previously published in a Dutton edition. Copyright ©Wendy Northcutt, 2000 All rights reserved. Northcutt, Wendy. The Darwin Awards : evolution in action / Wendy Northcutt. p. cm. ISBN 0 7865 2687 4 Making or distributing electronic copies of this book constitutes copyright infringe- ment and could subject the infringer to criminal and civil liability. First edition (electronic): July 2002 (cid:2) 003/Q-42A16597-121 CGI Contact: Kim Horton ddat$$0.qxd 7/30/02 8:58 Page v To my sister Elizabeth, who encouraged me to blaze my own path. To my parents, because the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. And to Jacob, who appreciates my oddly successful impetuousness and provided clever chapter titles. Warm thanks to editor Mitch Hoffman and agent Andrew Stuart, whose expert hands helped shape this book, and to my Philosophy Forum members for their stimulating conversations. And to Ian. (cid:2) Dutton/Plume 003/Q-42A16597-121 CGI Contact: Kim Horton ddat$$0.qxd 7/30/02 8:58 Page vii Whilst this planet has gone on cycling according to the fixed law of gravity, endless forms most beautiful and most wonderful have been, and are being, evolved. —Charles Darwin in The Origin of Species (cid:2) Dutton/Plume 003/Q-42A16597-121 CGI Contact: Kim Horton ddat$$0.qxd 7/30/02 8:58 Page ix Contents The Darwin Awards: What Are They? 1 Survival of the Fittest 1 Rules and Eligibility 2 Charles Darwin’s Theory of Evolution 7 Uncommon Common Sense 11 History and Internet Culture 13 Advice on Reading the Stories 15 CHAPTER 1 Natural Selection: Animal Misadventures 17 Can Animals Win Darwin Awards? 17 Darwin Award: In a Pig’s Eye 21 Darwin Award: Killer Whale Rodeo 23 Darwin Award: Playing with Cats 26 Darwin Award: Hungry Python Kills Owner 27 Darwin Award: Poisonous Pets 29 Darwin Award: Snake Charmer? 30 Darwin Award: Burmese Python 32 Darwin Award: What’s New, Pussycat? 33 Darwin Award: Wild Animal Lesson 34 Darwin Award: Smarter Animals 36 Darwin Award: Running of the Bulls 37 Darwin Award: Silenced by the Lambs 38 Darwin Award: Human Hitching Post 39 Honorable Mention: Nine Times a Loser 41 (cid:2) Dutton/Plume 003/Q-42A16597-121 CGI Contact: Kim Horton ddat$$0.qxd 7/30/02 8:58 Page x x CONTENTS Honorable Mention: Revenge of the Gopher 42 Honorable Mention: Woman Disarmed by Tiger 43 Honorable Mention: Don’t Mess with Mama Bear 45 Urban Legend: Man Glued to Rhino Buttocks 46 Personal Account: Bug Repellent 48 Personal Account: Why Kids Leave the Farm 50 CHAPTER 2 Relatively Dangerous: A Family Affair 51 Children and Evolution 51 Darwin Award: Go, Speed Racer, Go 54 Darwin Award: Wife Tossing in Buenos Aires 56 Darwin Award: Count Your Chickens 57 Darwin Award: Father Knows Best 58 Darwin Award: Laughing Gas 60 Darwin Award: Murderous Affair 61 Darwin Award: Avoiding a Fight 63 Darwin Award: Maine Chainsaw Romance 64 Honorable Mention: Trash Compactor 66 Urban Legend: Missionary Miscalculation 67 Personal Account: Accidental Safe Sex 68 Personal Account: Wives with Chloroform 69 CHAPTER 3 “I Fought the Law ...”: Stupid Criminal Tricks 71 If Evolution Works, Why So Many Idiots? 71 Darwin Award: Junk Food Junkie 74 Darwin Award: Copper Caper 75 (cid:2) Dutton/Plume SHORT 003/Q-42A16597-121 CGI Contact: Kim Horton ddat$$0.qxd 7/30/02 8:58 Page xi CONTENTS xi Darwin Award: Good Trumps Evil at Church 76 Darwin Award: Jumping Jack Cash 77 Darwin Award: Tired of It All 78 Darwin Award: Modus Operandi Misfires 79 Darwin Award: Restaurant Thief 80 Darwin Award: Dum Dum Boutique 81 Darwin Award: Scrap Metal Thieves 82 Darwin Award: Wrong Time, Wrong Place 83 Darwin Award: Clumsy Canadian Burglar 84 Darwin Award: Escaping Conviction 85 Darwin Award: Rob Your Neighbor 86 Honorable Mention: Pick Your Target 88 Honorable Mention: Armed and Dangerous? 89 Honorable Mention: Poor Sense of Direction 90 Honorable Mention: Airbag Weapons 91 Honorable Mention: Mis-Steak 92 Honorable Mention: Wile E. Coyote of Burglars 93 Honorable Mention: Limo and Latte Burglar 94 Honorable Mention: Spare Some Change? 95 Honorable Mention: Three Times a Loser 96 Honorable Mention: Sunny Side Up 97 Honorable Mention: Official Drug Test 98 Honorable Mention: Klutzy Crook 99 Personal Account: Compacted Ignorance 100 Personal Account: Gangster Blues 102 (cid:2) Dutton/Plume SHORT 003/Q-42A16597-121 CGI Contact: Kim Horton ddat$$0.qxd 7/30/02 8:58 Page xii xii CONTENTS CHAPTER 4 Up in Smoke: Fire and Explosions 103 Awards for Priests and Gays? 103 Darwin Award: Living on Zionist Time 106 Darwin Award: Firefighters Ignite! 107 Darwin Award: Igniting Fireworks the Easy Way 108 Darwin Award: Justice Is Served 109 Darwin Award: No Smoking? Ha! 110 Darwin Award: Dynamite and Boats Don’t Mix 112 Darwin Award: Up in Smoke 113 Darwin Award: Cigarette Lighter Triggers Fatal Explosion 115 Darwin Award: Lights Out 116 Honorable Mention: Chimney Safety 118 Honorable Mention: I Just Flicked My Bic! 119 Urban Legend: Scuba Divers and Forest Fires 120 Urban Legend: Cow Bomb 122 Urban Legend: Raccoon Rocket 123 Urban Legend: Hydrogen Beer Disaster 125 Urban Legend: Cell Phone Destroys Gas Station 128 Personal Account: Elemental Mistake 129 Personal Account: Is It Loaded? 130 Personal Account: Final Flick of Bic 131 CHAPTER 5 Leaps of Faith: Fatal Falls 133 John F. Kennedy Jr. 133 Darwin Award: Don’t Drink and Fly 138 Darwin Award: Lawyer Aloft 140 Darwin Award: Stoned Sleep 141 (cid:2) Dutton/Plume 003/Q-42A16597-121 CGI Contact: Kim Horton ddat$$0.qxd 7/30/02 8:58 Page xiii CONTENTS xiii Darwin Award: Homegrown Parachute 142 Darwin Award: Yosemite Parachute Safety 145 Darwin Award: Shocking Fall 147 Darwin Award: Bungee Jumper 148 Darwin Award: Bridge Bonzai 149 Darwin Award: One for the Birds 150 Personal Account: Leap of Faith 151 Personal Account: One, Two, Three, Heave! 153 Urban Legend: Misadventure at the Metallica Concert 155 Urban Legend: Power Plant Fitness Freak 158 Personal Account: Leveled 160 CHAPTER 6 Military Intelligence: Uninformed Men 161 Historical Darwin Awards 161 Darwin Award: Intelligence Blunders 164 Darwin Award: Hanging Around Jail 165 Darwin Award: Peeper Plummets 166 Darwin Award: Dead Spitter 167 Darwin Award: New Dating Technique 168 Darwin Award: Resistance Is Futile 169 Darwin Award: Wait for Me! 170 Personal Account: Industrious Brain-Dead Private 172 Personal Account: 5 Soldiers, 6 Police, 0 Brains 174 Personal Account: Jet Ski Jock 176 Personal Account: North Pacific Deckpecker 178 Personal Account: Flack Vest Testing 180 (cid:2) Dutton/Plume 003/Q-42A16597-121 CGI Contact: Kim Horton