The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Chequers, by James Runciman This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org Title: The Chequers Being the Natural History of a Public-House, Set Forth in a Loafer's Diary Author: James Runciman Release Date: June 5, 2006 [EBook #18510] Language: English Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 *** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE CHEQUERS *** Produced by Steven Gibbs, LN Yaddanapudi and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net THE CHEQUERS: BEING THE Natural History of a Public-house, SET FORTH IN A LOAFER'S DIARY. EDITED BY JAMES RUNCIMAN, AUTHOR OF "SKIPPERS AND SHELLBACKS," ETC. London: WARD AND DOWNEY, 12, YORK STREET, COVENT GARDEN, W.C. [ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.] Dedication. TO PHILIP WOOD AND JOHN WOOD, OF SOUTH SHIELDS. GENTLEMEN,—THIS RECORD OF RUINED LIVES IS INSCRIBED TO YOU, FOR IT IS MAINLY OWING TO YOU THAT I HAVE GAINED SUCH GRUESOME EXPERIENCE. FROM THE DAY WHEN, AS A BOY OF SEVENTEEN, I FORMED MY CONNECTION WITH YOUR HONOURABLE HOUSE, I HAVE OWED MY PROFESSIONAL SUCCESS TO YOUR CULTURE, YOUR GENEROSITY, AND YOUR ADMIRABLE RELATIONS WITH THE POLICE FORCE. MY SOVEREIGN AND MANY OTHER PEOPLE HAVE BEEN PLEASED TO APPROVE MY STRANGE LABOURS; BUT MY CHIEF DISTINCTION in life arises from my being your relative. With feelings which I cannot describe, I remain, Your obliged and grateful, CONTENTS. INTRODUCTION THE WANDERER THE PINK TOM CAT TEDDY THE WANDERER AGAIN THE ROBBERY ONE OF OUR ENTERTAINMENTS MERRY JERRY AND HIS FRIENDS THE GENTLEMAN, THE DOCTOR, AND DICKY POACHERS AND NIGHTBIRDS JIM BILLINGS OUR PARLOUR COMPANY A QUEER CHRISTMAS JACK BROWN THE CHEQUERS. INTRODUCTION. IT IS RISKY TO GO HOME WITH SOME OF THE COMPANY FROM THE CHEQUERS, FOR GOOD-FELLOWSHIP IS BY NO MEANS FOSTERED IN THE ATMOSPHERE OF A PUBLIC-HOUSE. THE CREATURES WHO WRITE ABOUT THE CHEERFUL GLASS, AND THE JOVIAL EVENING, AND THE DRINK THAT MELLOWS THE HEART, KNOW NOTHING OF THE SAD WORK THAT GOES ON IN A BOOZING-PLACE, WHILE THE PERSONS WHO DRAW WILD PICTURES OF IMPOSSIBLE HORRORS ARE WORSE THAN THE HIRED MEN WHO WRITE IN PUBLICAN'S PAPERS. IT IS THE PLAIN TRUTH THAT IS WANTED, AND ONE YEAR OF LIFE IN A PUBLIC-HOUSE TEACHES A MAN MORE THAN ALL THE STRAINED LECTURES AND COLOURLESS STATISTICS. I am going to give a series of pictures that will set forth every phase of public-house life. It is useless to step casually into A BAR, AND THEN TURN OUT A FLASHY ARTICLE. IF YOU WANT TO KNOW HOW DRINK REALLY ACTS ON THE INNER LIFE OF THIS NATION YOU MUST ACTUALLY LIVE AMONG THE FORLORN FOLK WHO DRINK CIRCE'S DRAUGHT, AND YOU MUST LIVE AS THEIR EQUAL, THEIR FRIEND, THEIR CONFIDANT. I AM A LOAFER, AND NOT ONE OF THE GANG AT THE CHEQUERS WOULD EVER DREAM OF REGARDING ME AS ANYTHING BUT AN EQUAL. MY FRIEND DONKEY PERKINS, THE FIGHTING MAN, CURSES ME WITH PERFECT AFFABILITY AND I AM ON EASY TERMS WITH about one hundred costermongers. If a "gentleman" went among them he could learn nothing. Observe the hush that falls ON THE BABBLE OF A TAP-ROOM IF ANY WELL-DRESSED PERSON GOES IN; LISTEN TO THE HUM OF WARNING, AND THEN NOTICE THE LABOURED HYPOCRISY OF THE TALK THAT GOES ON SO LONG AS THE STRANGER IS THERE. I HAVE SEEN THAT ODD CHANGE SCORES OF TIMES, AND I KNOW THAT NOTHING CAN BE MORE CURIOUS THAN THE CONTRAST BETWEEN THE SCRAPPY, HARMLESS CHAT THAT GOES ON WHILE the representative of respectability is there, and the stupid, frank brutalities which the advent of the visitor silenced. AT NIGHTS I GO HOME WITH ONE AFTER ANOTHER OF MY SET, AND AT MERRY SEASONS WE STAY TOGETHER TILL EARLY MORNING. THEY THROW OFF ALL DISGUISE BEFORE ME, AND EVEN THE THIEVES ARE NOT AFRAID. WHEN ONCE YOU ARE ON LEVEL TERMS WITH THE COMMUNITY YOU BEGIN TO SEE WHAT IS THE TRUE RESULT OF DRINK. THE CLERGYMAN, THE DISTRICT VISITOR, THE PROFESSIONAL SLUMMER —all the people who "patronise"—never learn the truth, and they positively invite the wastrel classes to lie. SOME TIME AGO I READ SOME "REVELATIONS" WHICH MADE A GREAT STIR IN THE COUNTRY. THE WRITER WAS ACCUSED OF PUBLISHING OBSCENITIES, BUT WHAT STRUCK ME MOST IN HIS WORK WAS ITS ABSOLUTE DISPLAY OF IGNORANCE. THE POOR, INNOCENT MAN HAD LISTENED TO STORIES WHICH WERE TOLD IN THE DIALECT THAT IS USED TO IMPRESS OUTSIDERS, AND I LAUGHED AS I SEEMED TO HEAR THE VERY TONES OF SOME SHADY GENTRY OF MY OWN ACQUAINTANCE. THE UNHAPPY VENDOR OF REVELATIONS WENT AMONG HIS SUBJECTS OF STUDY FOR SIX WEEKS, AND THEN SET UP AS AN AUTHORITY. OF COURSE, THE ACUTE, SLEAZY DOGS WHOM HE QUESTIONED KEPT BACK EVERYTHING THAT WAS ESSENTIAL, AND FILLED THEIR VICTIM'S MIND WITH CONCOCTIONS WHICH AMUSED PROFESSIONAL BLACKGUARDS FOR A MONTH. COULD THAT LITERARY ADVENTURER ONLY HAVE HEARD THE CRITICISM WHICH DAILY MET MY EAR, HE WOULD HAVE FOUND THAT MANY EAGER SOULS WERE LONGING FOR A CHANCE TO PLUNDER SUCH AN OBVIOUS "MUG." ANOTHER WRITER, WHOSE JAMES RUNCIMAN. PAGE 1 6 23 46 64 77 92 108 123 140 155 175 192 215 [Pg 1] [Pg 2] [Pg 3] [Pg 4] WORKS APPEAR IN A MORNING JOURNAL, PROFESSES TO MAKE FLYING VISITS TO VARIOUS QUEER PLACES, AND HIS ARTICLES ARE PUBLISHED AS FACTS; BUT I HAD THE CHANCE OF TESTING THE TRUTH OF TWO TALES WHICH DEALT WITH OFFICIAL BUSINESS, AND I FOUND THAT THESE TWO WERE FALSE FROM END TO END. NOT ONLY WERE THEY FALSE, BUT THEY ILLUSTRATE NOTHING, FOR THE WRITER DID NOT KNOW THE CONDITIONS OF THE LIFE WHICH HE PRETENDED TO DESCRIBE, AND HIS FICTION MISLED MANY THOUSANDS. EXPERIENCE, THEN—SORDID, MISERABLE, LONG EXPERIENCE—IS NEEDED BEFORE ANYONE CAN SPEAK THE TRUTH CONCERNING THE LIFE OF WHAT CARLYLE CALLED "THE SCOUNDREL CLASSES." THE SAME EXPERIENCE ONLY CAN TEACH YOU ANYTHING ABOUT THE POOR. THE SCOUNDRELS DO NOT ACTUALLY confide in anybody, and I never yet knew one of them who would not turn on a confederate; but they exhibit themselves FREELY BEFORE PEOPLE TO WHOM THEY HAVE BECOME USED. IT UNFORTUNATELY HAPPENS THAT THE SCOUNDRELS AND THE DISSOLUTE POOR ARE MUCH THROWN TOGETHER. A MAN MAY BE A HOPELESS DRUNKARD WITHOUT BEING A RASCAL, BUT THE RASCALS AND THE BOOZERS ARE GENERALLY TAKEN IN THE LUMP BY PERSONS OF A DESCRIPTIVE TURN OF MIND. THAT IS FAULTY NATURAL HISTORY. THE CHANCES ARE ALWAYS TEN TO ONE IN FAVOUR OF THE BOOZER'S BECOMING A CRIMINAL; BUT WE MUST DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THOSE who have taken the last bad step and those who are merely qualifying. And now for our history. THE WANDERER. THE BAR WAS VERY MUCH CROWDED LAST NIGHT, AND THE AIR WAS IMPREGNATED TO CHOKING POINT WITH SMOKE AND EVIL EXHALATIONS. THE NOISY TIMES ON SATURDAYS COME AT 2 P.M., AND FROM TEN TILL CLOSING TIME. IN THE AFTERNOON A FEW LABOURERS FUDDLE THEMSELVES BEFORE THEY GO HOME TO DINNER, AND THERE IS A GOOD DEAL OF SLAVERING INCOHERENCE TO BE HEARD. FROM SEVEN TO EIGHT IN THE EVENING THE MEN DROP IN, AND A VAGUE MURMUR BEGINS; THE MURMUR GROWS LOUDER AND MORE CONFUSED AS TIME PASSES, AND BY TEN O'CLOCK OUR COMPANY ARE IN FULL CRY, AND ALL THE PIPES ARE IN FULL BLAST. WHEN I STOLE QUIETLY IN, I THOUGHT THE SCENE WAS HIDEOUS ENOUGH IN ITS DULL WAY. THE GAS FLARED WITH DROWSY REFULGENCE THROUGH THE REEK, AND THE LOW MASKS OF THE ROARING CREW SOMEHOW LEFT ON ME AN IMPRESSION THAT I WAS GAZING ON one bestial, DISTORTED FACE. A MAN WHO IS A RACECOURSE THIEF AND "RAMPER" HAILED ME AFFABLY. A BEAST OF PREY HE IS, IF EVER THERE WAS ONE. HIS HATCHET FACE WITH ITS PIGGISH EYES, HIS THIN, CRUEL LIPS, HIS SQUARE JAW, ARE ALL MURDEROUS, AND, INDEED, I CANNOT HELP THINKING THAT HE WILL COMMIT A MURDER SOME DAY. WHEN HE IS IN HIS AFFABLE MOOD HE IS VERY LOATHSOME, BUT I CANNOT AFFORD TO LOATHE ANYONE, AND WE SMILE AND SMILE, THOUGH WE DISLIKE EACH OTHER, AND THOUGH THE RAMPER HARDLY KNOWS WHAT TO MAKE OF ME. WHEN I FIRST MADE HIS ACQUAINTANCE WE WERE ON OUR WAY TO A RACE MEETING, AND HE PROPOSED TO GIVE ME HIS COMPANY. LIKE ALL OF HIS CLASS, HE KNEW MANY "CERTAINTIES," AND HE OFFERED, WITH ENGAGING FRANKNESS, TO PUT ME IN THE WAY OF "GITTIN' A BIT." THE RACING BLACKGUARD NEVER TALKS OF MONEY; INDEED, HIS OBLIQUITY OF MIND PREVENTS HIM FROM CALLING ANYTHING BY ITS RIGHT NAME. FOR HIM THE WORLD IS DIVIDED BETWEEN THOSE WHO "HAVE GOT IT"— it BEING MONEY —AND THOSE WHO MEAN TO "GET A BIT" BY ANY MEANS, FAIR OR FOUL. ON THAT DAY, LONG AGO, THIS CREATURE FANCIED THAT I HAD SOME MONEY, AND HE WAS DETERMINED, TO ROB ME SOMEHOW. I LET HIM IMAGINE THAT HE WAS LEADING ME ON, FOR THERE IS NO LUXURY THAT I ENJOY MORE THAN WATCHING A LOW, CUNNING ROGUE WHEN HE THINKS HE IS ARRANGING A SUCCESSFUL SWINDLE. I WAS INTRODUCED TO A THOROUGHLY SAFE MAN. THE SAFE MAN'S FACE WAS ALMOST AS VILLANOUS AS THAT OF MY MENTOR, AND HIS MANNERS WERE, PERHAPS, A LITTLE MORE OFFENSIVE. OUR FIRST BET CLOSED ALL TRANSACTIONS BETWEEN US; AS I FULLY EXPECTED, I OBTAINED A RIDICULOUSLY LIBERAL PRICE, AND I won. ON MY PROPOSING A SETTLEMENT, THE CAPITALIST GLARED VIRTUOUSLY AND YELLED WITH PASSION—WHICH WAS ALSO WHAT I EXPECTED. THEN CAME MY MENTOR, AND SOFTLY REMARKED, "DON'T GO AND QUEER HIS PITCH. HERE'S A LOT ON 'EM A-COMIN', AND THEY'LL BE ALL OVER YOU IF YOU SAY A WORD. WAIT TILL HE GITS A BIT AND HE'LL PAY." THIS WAS ALSO WHAT I EXPECTED. WE HAPPENED TO BE IN AN ENCLOSED GROUND, SO I MANAGED TO KEEP MY EYE ON THE CAPITALIST, AND THE UNHAPPY BEING VAINLY STROVE TO DODGE AWAY. CATCHING HIM IN THE ACT OF SNEAKING THROUGH THE TURNSTILE, I TOUCHED HIM GENTLY, AND THEN BECKONED TO A POLICEMAN. NO WELSHER CAN HOPE FOR ADMISSION TO ONE OF THE ENCLOSED COURSES AFTER HE IS ONCE FAIRLY CAUGHT, AND MY VICTIM WHIMPERED, "COME IN YERE AND 'AVE A DRINK." THEN HE SAID, "LOOK YERE, I AIN'T GOT A BLOOMIN' 'ALF DOLLAR BUT WHAT I 'AD OFF O' YOU. I WALKED DOWN THIS MORNIN', AND HADN'T ONLY THE GATE-MONEY, AND YOUR PAL LAID ME ON TO YOU. SAY NOTHIN' THIS TIME. I AIN'T HAD NO GRUB TO-DAY. GIVE US A CHANCE. 'TWAS YOUR PAL AS PUT ME ON, mind. Brandy cold, if you don't mind." THE INEFFABLE IMPUDENCE OF THE CAPITALIST'S REQUEST MADE IT HARD FOR ME TO KEEP FROM LAUGHING; I LET HIM GO, AND I FEAR that he and the Ramper made further attempts on the idiots who throng the Silver Ring. THAT SAME EVENING MR. RAMPER MADE HIS LAST EFFORT TO PRACTISE ON ME. WE WERE STRADDLING AMONG A SPORTING GROUP IN THE CHEQUERS BAR, WHEN HE SAID, "BETTER SETTLE OVER DEXTER." "DEXTER? WHAT ABOUT DEXTER?" "DIDN'T YOU TAKE DEXTER AGIN' FOLLY?" "NOT SUCH A MUG." THEN THE HOUND RAISED HIS VOICE IN THE FASHION OF HIS TRIBE. "YOU GOIN' TO WELSH ME, ARE YOU? YOU DON'T MEAN TO PAY THAT TEN BOB? I'LL 'AVE IT OUT OF YOUR BLOOMIN' LIVER!" ALL THIS WAS UTTERED IN A YELL WHICH WAS intended to draw attention, and the creak of the brute's voice made me inclined to dash my fist in his vile face. But I only grinned and said "What a poor liar you are." THE MORE THE RAMPER SCREECHED, THE MORE I LAUGHED; HE DURST NOT STRIKE, AND AT LAST, WHEN I REMINDED HIM THAT HE HAD ALREADY DIVIDED A LITTLE PLUNDER WITH THE CAPITALIST, HE GRUMBLED A CURSE OR TWO AND LAPSED INTO AFFABILITY. YOU CANNOT SHAME ONE OF THESE BEINGS, AND THE RAMPER IS NOW ON THE MOST CONFIDENTIAL TERMS WITH ME. I AM VERY GLAD WE DID NOT FIGHT, BECAUSE HE INTRODUCED ME TO ONE OF THE MOST INTERESTING AND ESTIMABLE OF ALL MY ACQUAINTANCES. SAID THE RAMPER, BLOWING HIS SICKLY BREATH INTO MY VERY EAR, "THERE'S A BLOKE YERE AS KNOWS SUTHIN' GOOD FOR LINCOLN. UP IN THE CORNER THERE. LET'S SIT DOWN." WITHIN A MINUTE I FOUND MYSELF TALKING TO a QUEER, BATTERED MAN, WHO BENT MOODILY OVER HIS GLASS OF GIN AND STOLE FURTIVE GLANCES AT ME WITH BLEARED, SULLEN EYES. HIS BLOOD WAS CHARGED WITH BILE, AND HE COULD NOT PREVENT THE SUDDEN MUSCULAR TWITCHINGS OF HIS HANDS. HIS KNUCKLES WERE SWOLLEN, AND HIS FINGERS WERE TWISTED SLIGHTLY. [Pg 5] [Pg 6] [Pg 7] [Pg 8] [Pg 9] [Pg 10] EVIDENTLY HE WAS DISEASED TO THE VERY BONE THROUGH ALCOHOLIC EXCESSES. HE WAS DRESSED IN A SHINY OVERCOAT, AND his BONY SHANKS THREATENED TO PIERCE HIS TROUSERS. WHEN HE PUSHED BACK HIS RAKISH GREASY HAT, HE SHOWED A REMARKABLY FINE FOREHEAD—WELL FILLED, STRONG, SQUARE—BUT HE HAD THE WEAKEST AND MOST SENSUAL MOUTH I EVER SAW. THERE WAS scarcely a sign of a lower jaw, and the chin retreated sharply from the lip to the emaciated neck. My man spoke with a deep voice that contrasted oddly with his air of debility, and I noticed that he not only had a good ACCENT, BUT HIS WORDS WERE UTTERED WITH A DELIBERATE ATTEMPT AT FORMAL AND POLISHED ELOCUTION. WE TALKED OF HORSE- RACING, AND HE MOUTHED OUT ONE SPEECH AFTER ANOTHER WITH A BALANCED KIND OF SEE-SAW, WHICH AGAIN AND AGAIN RAN INTO BLANK VERSE. I SAID, "YOU HAVE SOMETHING GOOD FOR LINCOLN, I HEAR. ANY CHANCE OF BEING ON?" HE REPLIED, "I HEED NO FAIRY TALES OR BOASTING YARNS. WHEN A MAN SAYS HE HAS A CERTAINTY, I TELL HIM TO HIS FACE THAT HE'S A LIAR. THE WAYS OF CHANCE ARE FAR BEYOND OUR KEN, AND I CAN BUT SAY THAT I TRY. INFORMATION I HAVE. FROM NEWMARKET I RECEIVE DAILY MESSAGES, AND I HAVE AS MUCH CHANCE OF BEING RIGHT AS OTHER MEN HAVE; BUT YOU KNOW WHAT THE BARD SAYS. AH! WHAT A STUDENT OF HUMAN NATURE THAT MAN WAS! WHAT AN INTELLECT! IN APPREHENSION HOW LIKE A GOD! YOU KNOW WHAT HE SAYS OF PROPHECY AND CHANCE? I ONLY FIRE A BOLT AT A VENTURE, AND IF MY VENTURE DON'T COME OFF, THEN I SAY, 'PAY UP AND LOOK pleasant.'" THE MAJESTIC ROLL OF HIS SPEECH WAS VERY FUNNY, AND HE POURED FORTH HIS RESONANT PERIODS AS THOUGH I HAD BEEN STANDING AT A DISTANCE OF TWENTY YARDS. AS THE GIN STIRRED HIS SLUGGISH BLOOD HE BECAME MORE AND MORE DECLAMATORY, AND WHEN AT LAST HE FAIRLY YELLED, "I AM A GAMBLER. I COULD NOT BROOK LIFE IF I HAD NO EXCITEMENT. IT IS MY VERY BLOOD. YET, THINK NOT MY WORDS ARE FALSE AS DICERS' OATHS," AND WAVED HIS RIGHT HAND WITH A LORDLY GESTURE, I THOUGHT, "AN OLD ACTOR, FOR CERTAIN." SO LONG AS HIS SENSES REMAINED HE TALKED SHREWDLY ABOUT BETTING, AND HIS REMARKS WERE FREE FROM THE MINGLED SUPERSTITION AND RASCALITY WHICH MAKE ORDINARY RACING TALK SO ODIOUS; BUT WHEN HE BEGAN TO DRINK RAPIDLY HE SOON BECAME VIOLENT, AND FINISHED BY CARRYING ON LIKE A MADMAN. HE SHOUTED PASSAGES FROM "HAMLET" AND "CORIOLANUS" WITH EAR-SPLITTING FERVOUR, AND AT LAST HE DREW A UNIVERSAL PROTEST FROM THE REST OF OUR CREW, WHO ARE CERTAINLY NOT SENSITIVE. THEN HIS YELL GREW MAUDLIN. "WHY DID GOD MAKE ME THUS? WHY DO I GRUNT AND SWEAT UNDER THE BURDEN OF A WEARY LIFE? GIVE ME, AH, GIVE ME THE DAYS THAT ARE GONE!" THEN HE FELL ALONGSIDE OF THE BENCH, AND PRESENTLY HIS LONG, GURGLING SNORE SOUNDED FITFULLY. "LET HIM SWEAT THERE TILL CLOSING TIME; HE'LL BE QUIET ENOUGH," SAID MR. LANDLORD; AND SURE ENOUGH THE ORATOR LAY UNTIL THE HOUR HAD STRUCK. HE SHIVERED WHEN HE ROSE, AND HIS KNEES WERE LIKE TO FAIL HIM. "HEAVENS! WHAT A MOUTH I'VE GOT!" HE MOANED, AND I COULD SEE THAT THE DEADLY, BITTER FUR HAD ALREADY COVERED HIS PALATE. "TAKE A FLASK HOME, BILLY, AND PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER WHEN YOU TURN IN." BILLY GRABBED FIERCELY AT THE AIR. "THESE INFERNAL FLIES HAVE STARTED EARLY." THE SPECKS WERE DANCING BEFORE HIS EYES, AND I FANCY HE HAD AN UGLY NIGHT BEFORE HIM; BUT I DIDN'T SEE him home. THURSDAY.—I HAVE FOUND OUT A GOOD DEAL ABOUT MY STAGY FRIEND, AND WE ARE QUITE CONFIDENTIAL, ESPECIALLY LATE AT NIGHT. HE WEEPS PLENTEOUSLY AND RECALLS HIS OWN SINS, BUT I THINK HE IS FAIRLY TRUTHFUL. A MOVING, SORDID HISTORY IS HIS. MORALISING IS WASTE OF TIME, BUT ONE MIGHT ALMOST MORALISE TO THE EXTENT OF BOREDOM CONCERNING THE LIFE OF BILLY DEVINE, BOOZER, actor, betting-man. DEVINE'S PECULIARLY GRANDIOSE MODE OF TELLING HIS STORY WAS RATHER EFFECTIVE AT FIRST HEARING, BUT IT WOULD READ LIKE A BURLESQUE, SO I TRANSLATE HIS NARRATIVE INTO MY OWN DIALECT. HE WAS A QUICK, CLEVER LAD, AND THE CULTURE BESTOWED IN A GENTEEL ACADEMY WAS TOO NARROW FOR HIM. HE READ A GREAT DEAL OF ROMANCE, AND STILL MORE POETRY. HE NEGLECTED HIS school lessons, and he was dismissed after a few years as an incurable scamp. NO SORT OF STEADY WORK SUITED DEVINE; HIS FATAL LACK OF WILL WAS SUPPLEMENTED BY AN EAGER VANITY, AND HE WAS ONLY HAPPY WHEN HE WAS ATTRACTING NOTICE. NOW THAT HE IS MATURED, HE IS GRATIFIED IF HE CAN MAKE DRUNKEN COSTERMONGERS STARE, SO HE MUST HAVE BEEN A VERY FORWARD CREATURE WHEN HIS CONCEIT WAS IN FULL BLOSSOM. HE BEGAN BY SPOUTING LITTLE RECITATIONS, AND GRADUALLY PRACTISED UNTIL HE COULD TAKE HIS PART IN AMATEUR STAGE PERFORMANCES. AS HE PUT IT, "I FOUND THAT the MAJESTY OF CORIOLANUS AND THE HUMOUR OF PAUL PRY WERE ALIKE WITHIN MY COMPASS, AND I IMPARTIALLY INCLUDED BOTH THESE CELEBRATED PARTS IN MY répertoire." NOTHING EVER DIVERTS A STAGE-STRUCK YOUTH FROM HIS FELL PURPOSE UNLESS HE IS absolutely pelted off the boards. Devine loathed his office; he hated the sight of a business letter, and he finally appeared IN A WRETCHED PROVINCIAL BOOTH, WHERE HE EARNED SEVEN SHILLINGS PER WEEK IN GOOD TIMES: THE RESTRAINTS OF RESPECTABILITY WERE TO HAMPER HIM NO MORE. THROUGH ALL HIS MISERABLE WANDERINGS I TRACKED HIM, FOR HE KEPT PLAYBILLS, AND EACH BILL SUGGESTED SOME QUAINT OR SORDID MEMORY. I FELT SOMETHING LIKE A LUMP IN MY THROAT WHEN HE SAID, "NOW, DEAR FRIEND, AT THIS PLACE I PLAYED ONCE THE 'THE STRANGER' AND 'THE IDIOT WITNESS,' AND FOR TWO DAYS MY COMRADE AND I HAD NOTHING TO EAT. ON ONE EVENTFUL NIGHT WE SAW SOME REFUSE FISH BEING WHEELED OFF IN A BARROW, AND WE BEGGED LEAVE TO ABSTRACT A FISH, WHICH WAS—I SAY IT WITHOUT FEAR OF CONTRADICTION—THE KNOBBIEST AND SCALIEST MEMBER OF THE FINNY TRIBE. SIR, WE TRIED TO SKIN THIS ANIMAL AND FAILED. THEN WE SCRAPED HIM, AND THE MOVING QUESTION AROSE, WHAT ABOUT FIRE? LUCKILY THE LANDLADY HAD LEFT A LAMP ON THE STAIRS. MY INVENTIVE FACULTIES WERE BESTIRRED. THE LAMP! NO SOONER SAID THAN THE FISH WAS PLACED ON THE FIRE-SHOVEL, AND WE THEN TOOK TURNS TO MOVE THE SHOVEL BACKWARDS AND FORWARDS OVER THE LAMP. REGARDLESS OF THAT WOMAN'S LOUD INQUIRIES ABOUT THE SMELL, WHICH WAS IN TRUTH, SIR, VERY OVERPOWERING, WE PURSUED OUR JOINT LABOURS UNTIL TWO IN THE MORNING, AND then the BRUTE WAS ONLY half RAW. ONE PENKNIFE WAS OUR SOLE CUTLERY; BUT WE MANAGED TO CUT THROUGH THE SKIN, AND WE DEVOURED THE OILY STUFF LIKE FAMISHED HOUNDS, SIR. WE WERE ASHAMED; BUT, AS THE POET TRULY OBSERVES, 'NECESSITY KNOWS NO LAW,' AND WE ENDURED THE SCURRILOUS LANGUAGE OF THE WOMAN WHEN, ON THE MORROW, SHE FOUND THE BOTTOM OF THE SHOVEL ENCRUSTED WITH DIRT AND THE TOP THICKLY COATED WITH GREASE. THAT FISH SAVED us, sir." LITTLE BY LITTLE DEVINE WORKED HIS WAY TOWARDS LONDON, AND AT LENGTH HE APPEARED IN A WEST-END THEATRE. HIS [Pg 11] [Pg 12] [Pg 13] [Pg 14] [Pg 15] [Pg 16] REMINISCENCES OF THE STARS ARE IMPRESSIVE, BUT WE NEED NOT DEAL WITH THEM; IT IS ENOUGH TO SAY THAT HE WAS SUCCESSFUL— AND IN LIGHT COMEDY NO LESS. ABOUT THIS TIME HE BEGAN TO HAVE HIS PHOTOGRAPH TAKEN VERY FREQUENTLY, AND THE PORTRAITS MADE ME FEEL SAD. THIS DULL, SODDEN MAN WAS ONCE A HANDSOME FELLOW, ALERT, WELL POISED, BRAVE AND CHEERFUL. THE PROFILE WHICH I SAW IN THE PHOTOGRAPHS SOMEHOW MADE ME THINK OF AN ARROW-HEAD ON THE UPWARD FLIGHT; THAT, LOWER JAW, WHICH IS NOW SO FLABBY AND SLOBBERY WAS ONCE WELL ROUNDED, AND THE WEAKNESS WAS NOT UNPLEASANTLY EVIDENT. I OFTEN WONDER THAT HUMAN VANITY HAS NOT DONE AWAY WITH ALCOHOLISM. MEN ARE VAIN ANIMALS, YET A GOOD-LOOKING FELLOW, WHO COULD NEVER PASS A MIRROR WITHOUT STEALING A QUIET LOOK, WILL CHEERFULLY GO ON DRUGGING HIMSELF UNTIL EVERY FEATURE IS TRANSFORMED. I HAVE SEEN THE PROCESS OF FACIAL DEGRADATION CARRIED THROUGH IN SO MANY CASES THAT I CAN TELL WITHIN A LITTLE HOW LONG A MAN HAS BEEN A DRINKER, AND THAT WITH NO OTHER GUIDE THAN THE STANDARD OF GRADUATED DEPRAVITY WHICH IS IN MY MIND, AND WHICH I INSTINCTIVELY CONSULT. DEVINE MUST HAVE BEEN ATTRACTIVE TO WOMEN, FOR THEY CERTAINLY DID THEIR BEST TO SPOIL HIM, IF ONE MAY JUDGE BY THE COLLECTION OF FADED NOTES WHICH HE RETAINS. HE MET HIS FATE AT LAST. A PRETTY, SENTIMENTAL GIRL FELL IN LOVE WITH HIM, AND PRESSED HIM TO MAKE AN APPOINTMENT WITH HER, SO THE DASHING YOUNG ACTOR ARRANGED TO MEET THE LOVE-STRICKEN DAMSEL AT HAMPTON COURT. THE FLOWERS OF THE CHESTNUTS WERE SPLENDID, AND THE SPIRIT OF MAY WAS IN THE AIR. "I SEEM TO SEE THE SAME SUNSHINE AND THE SAME FLOWERS VERY OFTEN, EVEN WHEN I'M TOO JUMPY TO KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON ALL ROUND," SAID THE POOR, BATTERED MAN. THE GIRL SOBBED AND TREMBLED. "I COULDN'T HELP IT; I HAD TO MEET YOU, AND, OH, IF FATHER KNEW, I BELIEVE HE'D BEAT ME." DEVINE FOUND OUT THAT THE LADY WAS THE DAUGHTER OF A VERY RICH TRADESMAN, AND HE WAS NOT BY ANY MEANS DISPLEASED, FOR ROMANTIC ACTORS HAVE JUST AS KEEN AN EYE TO BUSINESS AS OTHER FOLK. BEFORE THE PLEASANT AFTERNOON CLOSED, HE HAD GAINED PERMISSION TO CALL THE TRUANT LETTY, AND SHE PRIMMED HER rosy lips as he taught her to say Will. Decidedly Mr. Devine was no laggard in love. INDISCREET LITTLE LETTY FOUND MEANS TO STEAL AWAY FROM HOME TIME AFTER TIME, AND HER STOCK OF FIBS MUST HAVE BEEN VARIED and extensive, for three months passed before the inevitable catastrophe came. "This is Aunt Lizer, is it?" DEVINE AND MISS LETTY WERE WALKING IN A SECLUDED CORNER OF WIMBLEDON COMMON WHEN A LOUD VOICE SPOKE THUS. LETTY screamed, and turned to face a stout, red-faced man who stood glaring ominously. Devine, after the approved stage fashion, said "May I ask the meaning of this intrusion?" "MEANIN'! YOU TALK ABOUT MEANIN' TO JOHN BILLITER? SEE THIS STICK? I'LL MEANIN' YOU! THIS IS MY DAUGHTER, AND I'LL THANK YOU TO TELL ME WHO you ARE." NEED I SAY THAT DEVINE ROSE TO THE OCCASION? HE RECITED TO ME A PORTION OF THE REPLY WHICH HE MADE TO THE AGGRIEVED PARENT, AND I CAN FULLY BELIEVE THAT THAT WORTHY MAN WAS SURPRISED. "THE RIVALS," "THE Hunchback," "Romeo and Juliet," and other dramatic works were ransacked for phrases, and the stately periods flowed ON UNTIL MR. BILLITER GASPED, "DAMN IT, GAL!—DO YOU MEAN TO SAY YOU'VE DECEIVED YOUR FATHER SO YOU MIGHT GIT OUT ALONG OF A BLANKED LUNATIC?" THIS WAS TOO MUCH. DEVINE OBSERVED WITH MAJESTY, "SIR, I CAN PARDON MUCH TO THE FATHER OF THE lady whom I love; but there are limits, sir. Beware!" "YOU COME ALONG TO THE TRAP, YOU HUSSY; AND AS FOR YOU MISTER, LET ME KETCH YOU ANYWHERE NEAR OUR PLACE AND I'LL TURN the yard dog out on you!" POOR LETTY WAS SEVERELY SHUT UP AT HOME. HER FATHER QUESTIONED HER MUCH, AND WHEN HE HEARD AT LENGTH THAT THE FLASHY YOUNG MAN WAS AN ACTOR, HE GAVE ONE CHOKING YELL, AND SAT DOWN IN LIMP FASHION. ALL THE REST OF THE DAY HE MUTTERED AT INTERVALS, "A HACTOR!" AND PRESSED HIS HAND TO HIS FOREHEAD WITH MANY GROANS. AT NIGHT HE WENT INTO LETTY'S ROOM, AND AS he gazed on the girl's worn face he said, "A hactor! The Billiters is done for. Their goose is cooked!" DEVINE FAIRLY LUXURIATED IN HIS DESOLATION. I COULD TELL FROM HIS MODE OF DWELLING ON HIS WOES THAT HE HAD KEENLY ENJOYED PLAYING THE FORLORN LOVER. AS HE TOLD ME OF THOSE SLEEPLESS NIGHTS SPENT LONG AGO, AND ROLLED OUT HIS SONOROUS RECORD OF SUFFERING, HIS WATERING EYE GLEAMED WITH PLEASURE, AND I CAN WELL IMAGINE HOW SORELY HE BORED HIS FRIENDS WHEN HE WAS YOUNG AND HIS GRIEF WAS AT ITS MOST ENJOYABLE HEIGHT. BUT HE WAS NO MILKSOP, AND HE RESOLVED THAT MR. BILLITER SHOULD NOT BAULK HIM. WHERE IS THE ACTOR WHO DOES NOT DELIGHT IN STRATAGEMS AND MYSTERIES? BLESS THEIR HONEST HEARTS, THEY COULD NOT ENDURE LIFE WITHOUT AN OCCASIONAL PLOT OR MYSTIFICATION! TWO MONTHS AFTER LETTY'S INCARCERATION, A DECENTLY-DRESSED MAN CALLED AT MR. BILLITER'S WITH A PARCEL. THE VISITOR WAS CLAD IN TWEED; HIS SMART WHISKERS WERE DEXTEROUSLY TRAINED AND HE LOOKED LIKE A NATTY DRAPER'S ASSISTANT. "THESE THINGS WERE ORDERED BY POST, AND I WISH MISS BILLITER TO SELECT HER OWN patterns." "Miss Billiter's with her aunt, and she don't see anyone at present." "Then kindly hand in the parcel, and I will call in an hour." THAT NIGHT LETTY WAS RESTLESS. THE SLY LITTLE THING HAD managed TO DECEIVE HER AUNT; BUT THE PROBLEM OF HOW TO ELUDE father was troublesome. WILLIAM HAD AN AMERICAN ENGAGEMENT; HE WOULD HAVE A FAST HORSE READY NEXT EVENING AT EIGHT; MR. BILLITER WOULD BE SUMMONED BY A TELEGRAM; THEN TRAIN TO SOUTHAMPTON—LICENCE—THE MAIL TO NEW YORK, AND BLISS FOR EVER! LETTY MUST RUSH OUT LIKE A TRUANT SCHOOLGIRL—NEVER MIND ABOUT HAT OR CLOAK; THE ESCAPE must BE MADE, AND THEN LET THOSE CATCH who can. THIS WAS DEVINE'S PLAN, AND HE CARRIED IT OUT WITH PERFECT NERVE. A FORTNIGHT AFTERWARDS THE MAIL STEAMER WAS SURGING along in mid-Atlantic, and the plucky actor was passing happy, idle days with his wife. [Pg 17] [Pg 18] [Pg 19] [Pg 20] [Pg 21] [Pg 22] BILLY HAD THE NERVE OF A MAN ONCE, BUT HE UTTERS A KIND OF STRANGLED SHRIEK NOW IF A DOG BARKS CLOSE TO HIM, AND HE CANNOT LIFT HIS GLASS IN THE MORNINGS—HE STOOPS TO THE COUNTER AND SUCKS HIS FIRST MOUTHFULS LIKE A HORSE DRINKING, OR HE PASSES HIS HANDKERCHIEF ROUND HIS NECK, AND DRAWS HIS LIQUOR GENTLY UP WITH THE HANDKERCHIEF TO STEADY HIM. A LONG WAY has Billy travelled since he was a merry young player. I shall say more about him presently. THE PINK TOM CAT. MY FRIEND THE PUBLISHER CALLS THE LOAFER'S NARRATIVES "THRILLING," BUT I, AS EDITOR OF THE DIARIES, WOULD PREFER ANOTHER ADJECTIVE. THE LOAFER WAS A MAN WHO ONLY CARED FOR GLOOM AND SQUALOR AFTER HE HAD GIVEN UP THE WORLD OF GAIETY AND REFINEMENT. MEN OF HIS STAMP, WHEN THEY RECEIVE A CRUSHING MENTAL BLOW, ALWAYS SHRINK AWAY LIKE WOUNDED ANIMALS AND FORSAKE THEIR COMPANIONS. A VERY DISTINGUISHED MAN, WHO IS NOW LIVING, DISAPPEARED FOR FIFTEEN YEARS, AND CHOSE ON HIS RETURN TO BE REGARDED AS AN UTTER STRANGER. HIS FORMER SELF HAD DIED, AND HE WAS STRENGTHENED AND EMBITTERED BY suffering. The Loafer was of that breed. TWO LOCKED VOLUMES OF THE LOAFER'S DIARY WERE DELIVERED TO ME, AND I FOUND THAT THE MAN HAD ONCE BEEN JOYOUS TO THE last degree, ambitious, successful, AND FULL OF GENEROUS THOUGHTS AND FINE ASPIRATIONS. SOME OF HIS SONGS BREATHE THE VERY SPIRIT OF DELIGHT, AND HE WROTE HIS GLAD THOUGHTS AT NIGHT WHEN HE COULD NOT SLEEP FOR THE KEEN PLEASURE OF LIVING. THEN COMES A SUDDEN CLOUD, AND FROM THAT TIME ONWARD THE DIARY IS BITTER, BRUTAL, AND BALDLY DESCRIPTIVE OF LIFE'S ABOMINATIONS. IT WOULD NOT BECOME ME TO SPEAK WITH CERTAINTY, BUT I FANCY THAT A WOMAN HAD SOMETHING TO DO WITH THE LOAFER'S WILD AND RECKLESS CHANGE. HE IS RETICENT, BUT HIS POEMS ALL POINT IN ONE DIRECTION. HERE IS A GRAVE NOTE OF passion:— The sombre heather framed you round, The starlight touched your pallid face, You moved across the silvered ground— The night was happy with your grace. The air was steeped in silver fire, The gorse was touched with silvern sheen; The nightingales—the holy choir— Sang bridal songs for you, my queen. But songs and starfire, pomp of night, Murmur of trees and Ocean's roll, Were poor beside the blind delight— The Love that quivered in my soul. Further on there is a single brief verse like a cry of rage and despair:— And is it then the End of all? O, Father! What a doom is mine— An unreturning prodigal, Who feeds on husks and herds with swine! After many ravings the torn soul seems to grow calm, and we have this pensive and tender fragment of music:— The dreams that fill the thoughtful night, All holy dreams are in the sky, They stoop to me with viewless flight, And bid me wave my care good-bye. Spread your dim wings, O sacred friends, Fleet softly to your starry place; I'll meet you as my journey ends, When I shall crave our Master's grace. Till I may join your shadowy band I'll think of things that are to be— The far-off joy, the Unseen Land, The Lover I shall never see. AFTER THIS OUR MAN PLUNGES INTO THE SLUMS, AND WE HAVE NO MORE POETRY. ONE WHO LOVED HIM ASKED ME TO GO THROUGH HIS JOURNALS, AND NEARLY ALL I KNOW OF HIM IS DERIVED FROM THEM. BY CHANCE I HAVE HEARD THAT HE WAS PASSIONATELY FOND OF [Pg 23] [Pg 24] [Pg 25] CHILDREN, BUT AVOIDED WOMEN. ONE WHO KNEW HIM SAID THAT HE WAS WITTY, AND OFTEN STRUNG OFF EPIGRAMS BY THE HOUR TOGETHER, BUT HE WAS ALWAYS SUBJECT TO FITS OF BLIND FRENZY, DURING WHICH HIS WIT AND HIS GENUINE SAGACITY LEFT HIM. NO ONE FOLLOWED HIM TO HIS GRAVE; BUT HE WAS VISITED IN HOSPITAL BY A TALL, FAIR LADY, WHO GAZED ON HIM WITH STERN COMPOSURE. HE sneered even while dying. "I'm a pretty object, am I not? I was going to shake the world. Will you kiss me once?" The tall lady stooped and kissed him; he gasped, "Thank you. It was more than I deserved. And now for the Dark." THE LADY SIGHED A LITTLE AND WENT AWAY, AND I THINK THAT A BUNCH OF HEATHER WHICH LAY ON THE COFFIN MUST HAVE COME FROM HER. ANYWAY, THAT IS ALL I KNOW ABOUT THE LOAFER, AND HE MAY NOW TELL HIS STORY OF THE PINK TOM CAT IN HIS OWN WAY. You observe how drily circumstantial he is. I SHALL NOT BE ABLE TO GO ON WITH BILLY DEVINE'S STORY FOR SOME TIME. WE HAVE HAD AN UGLY BUSINESS HERE, AND IT IS NOW TWO MONTHS SINCE I WROTE A LINE. IT WAS ONLY BY MAKING SPECIAL INQUIRY THAT I FOUND HOW TIME HAD GONE, FOR I HAVE BEEN living in a nightmare. ONE FINE MORNING I PUT ON SMART FLANNELS AND WENT FOR A SCULL ON THE RIVER. IF EVER YOU DRINK TOO MUCH IT IS BEST TO FORCE yourself into violent exercise at any cost, and for that reason I determined to row until the effects of a very bad night had WORN OFF. USUALLY I KEEP MYSELF CLEAR OF AFTER CONSEQUENCES, BUT I HAD BEEN WITH A KEEN SET, AND WE DID NOT GO TO BED AT ALL. WHEN WE CONTRIVED TO SEPARATE AT 7 A.M., SOME OF MY COMPANIONS BEGAN ON A FRESH DAY'S DRINKING, BUT I CHOSE TO take a rest. IT WAS A LOVELY MORNING, AND I FELT LIKE A BAD SORT OF CRIMINAL AMID THE CLEAR, SPLENDID BEAUTY. WHEN THE LIGHT WIND STRUCK ACROSS THE SURFACE OF THE RIVER IT SEEMED AS IF THE WATER WERE PELTED WITH FALLING JEWELS; THE OSIERS BOWED AND SIGHED AS THE BREEZE RAN ALONG THEIR TOPS; AND, HERE AND THERE, A SPIRT OF SHAKEN DEWDROPS DESCRIBED A FLASHING ARC, AND FELL POPPLING INTO THE STREAM. AH! HOW SOLEMNLY GLAD AND PURE AND RADIANT THE GREAT TREES LOOKED! THE LARKS HAD GONE WILD WITH THE JOY OF LIVING, AND THEIR DELICIOUS RIVALRY, THEIR CEASELESS GURGLE OF LIQUID MELODY, SEEMED SOMEHOW TO MATCH THE MULTITUDINOUS GLITTER OF THE MIGHTY CLOUDS OF FOLIAGE. FOR A MAN WITH PURE PALATE AND HEALTHY EYE THE SIGHTS AND SOUNDS WOULD HAVE MADE A HEAVEN; BUT MY MOUTH WAS LIKE A FURNACE, AND MY EYE WAS FEVERED. NEVERTHELESS, I MANAGED TO ENJOY THE SWEET PANORAMA MORE AND MORE AS MY MUSCLES GREW TENSE, AND I PULLED ON DOGGEDLY FOR FULL THREE HOURS, UNTIL I HAD NOT A DRY STITCH ON ME; THEN A FUNNY LITTLE WATERSIDE INN DREW MY EYE, AND I WENT ASHORE. BOB DARBISHIRE MET ME WITH A SHOUT OF WELCOME, AND I WONDERED WHAT BROUGHT HIM THERE. BOB DID NOT OFTEN VISIT THE CHEQUERS, FOR HE WAS A WEALTHY FELLOW, AND HE LIKED BEST TO FOOL HIS TIME AWAY IN FLASH BILLIARD-ROOMS; BUT HE KNEW ME WELL ENOUGH, AND I WAS on as easy terms with him as with the costers and Rommany chals. I say was when I speak of him. Ah me! BOB SUCCEEDED TO A GREAT DEAL OF READY MONEY AND A GOOD BUSINESS WHEN HE WAS BARELY TWENTY-ONE, AND HE BROKE OUT INTO A RACKETY LIFE AT ONCE, FOR HE HAD BEEN HARD HELD IN BY HIS FATHER AND MOTHER, AND HIS MAD ACTIVITIES CRAVED FOR SOME VENT. HAD HE BEEN WELL GUIDED HE WOULD HAVE BECOME A USEFUL CITIZEN, BUT HE WAS DRIVEN WITH A CRUEL BIT, AND THE REINS were savagely jerked whenever he seemed restive. When he once was free, he set off at a wild rate down the steep that LEADS TO PERDITION, AND PLENTY OF PEOPLE CHEERED HIM AS HE FLEW ON. IT VEXED ME OFTEN TO SEE A FINE, GENEROUS LAD SURROUNDED BY SPONGERS WHO ROOKED HIM AT EVERY TURN; BUT WHAT COULD ONE DO? THE SPONGER HAS NO MERCY AND NO MANLINESS; HE IS ALWAYS A PERSON WITH VIOLENT APPETITES, AND HE WILL PROCURE EXCITEMENT AT THE COST OF HIS MANLINESS AND EVEN OF HIS HONESTY. BOB HAD AN OPEN HAND, AND THOUGHT NOTHING OF PAYING FOR TWENTY BRANDIES-AND-SODAS IN THE COURSE OF A MORNING. TWENTY TIMES EIGHTPENCE DOES NOT SEEM MUCH, BUT IF YOU KEEP UP THAT AVERAGE DAILY FOR A YEAR YOU HAVE SPENT A FAIR INCOME. NO ONE EVER TRIED TO STAY THIS PRODIGAL WITH A WORD OF ADVICE; INDEED, IN SUCH CASES ADVICE IS ALWAYS USELESS, FOR THE VERY MAN WHOM YOU MAY SEEK TO SAVE IS EXCEEDINGLY LIKELY TO SWEAR, OR EVEN TO STRIKE AT YOU. HE THINKS YOU IMPUGN HIS WISDOM AND SHARPNESS, AND HE LOVES, ABOVE ALL THINGS, TO BE REGARDED AS AN ACUTE FELLOW. A FEW FAVOURED GENTRY ALMOST LIVED ON BOB, AND SCORES OF OUTSIDERS HAD PRETTY PICKINGS WHEN HE WAS IN A LAVISH HUMOUR, WHICH WAS NEARLY EVERY DAY. HE BETTED ON RACES, AND LOST; HE PLAYED BILLIARDS, AND LOST; HE RAN FOX TERRIERS, AND LOST; HE PLAYED NAP FOR HOURS AT A STRETCH, AND GENERALLY LOST. HE WAS ONLY SUCCESSFUL IN GAMES THAT REQUIRED STRENGTH AND DARING. THEN, OF COURSE, HE MUST NEEDS EMULATE THE TRUE SPORTING MEN IN AMOROUS ACHIEVEMENTS, AND THUS HIS INCOME BORE THE DRAIN OF SOME TWO OR THREE LITTLE ESTABLISHMENTS. BOB WOULD ALWAYS TRY TO DRINK TWICE AS MUCH AS ANY OTHER MAN, AND HE TREATED HIMSELF WITH THE SAME LIBERALITY IN THE MATTER OF EX-BARMAIDS AND CHORUS GIRLS. THE WICKED NOBLEMAN WAS A SOMEWHAT RECKLESS CHARACTER IN HIS WAY, BUT HIS FEATS WOULD NOT BEAR COMPARISON WITH THOSE PERFORMED BY MANY AND MANY A YOUNG FELLOW WHO BELONGS TO THE WEALTHY MIDDLE CLASS. ALAS! FOR THAT SPLENDID MIDDLE CLASS WHICH ONCE REPRESENTED ALL THAT WAS SOBER AND STEADY AND TRUSTWORTHY IN BRITAIN! GO INTO ANY SMART BILLIARD-ROOM NOWADAYS, OR MAKE A ROUND OF THE VARIOUS RACE MEETINGS, AND YOU WILL SEE SOMETHING TO MAKE YOU SAD. YOU SEE ONE VAST PRECESSION of Rakes making their mad Progress. BOB WAS ALWAYS KINDLY WITH ME, AS, INDEED, HE WAS WITH EVERYBODY . THE VERY BOOKMAKERS SCARCELY HAD THE HEART TO OFFER HIM FALSE PRICES, AND ONLY THE PUBLIC-HOUSE SPONGERS GAVE HIM NO LAW. BUT, THEN THE SPONGER SPARES NOBODY. ON THIS MEMORABLE MORNING THE LAD WAS RIGGED IN ORTHODOX FLANNELS, AND HE LOOKED RUDDY AND WELL, BUT THE RUDDINESS WAS NOT QUITE OF THE RIGHT SORT. HE HAD BEGUN DRINKING EARLY, AND HIS EYE HAD THAT INCIPIENT GLOSS WHICH ALWAYS APPEARS ABOUT THE TIME WHEN THE ONE PLEASURABLE MOMENT OF DRUNKENNESS HAS COME. THERE IS BUT ONE PLEASANT MOMENT IN A DRINKING BOUT, AND MEN MAKE THEMSELVES STUPID BY TRYING TO MAKE THAT FLEETING MOMENT PERMANENT. BOB CRIED, "COME ON, SONNY. Oh! what would I give for your thirst! Mine's gone! I'm three parts copped already. Come on. Soda, is it?" [Pg 26] [Pg 27] [Pg 28] [Pg 29] [Pg 30] [Pg 31] THEN, WITH THE USUAL CRASS IDIOCY OF OUR TRIBE, WE PROCEEDED TO SWALLOW OBLIVION BY THE TUMBLER UNTIL THE AFTERNOON WAS NEARLY GONE. I FELT DAMP AND COLD AND STICKY, SO I SAID I SHOULD SCULL HOME AND CHANGE MY CLOTHES. THEN DARBISHIRE YELLED WITH SPLUTTERING CORDIALITY, "HOME! NOT IF I KNOW IT! MY TOGS JUST FIT YOU. GO AND HAVE A BATH, AND WE'LL SHOVE YOU IN THE NEXT ROOM TO MINE. I'M ON THE RAMPAGE, AND JOE CONEY'S COMING TO-NIGHT. YOU'VE GOT NOTHING TO DO. HAVE IT OUT with us. Blow me! we'll have a week—we'll have a fortnight—we'll have a month." I wish I had never taken part in that rampage. TOWARDS EIGHT O'CLOCK WE BOTH FELT THE FALSE CRAVING FOR FOOD WHICH IS PRODUCED BY ALCOHOL, AND WE CLAMOURED FOR DINNER. DINNER UNDER SUCH CIRCUMSTANCES PRODUCES A DELUSIVE FEELING OF SOBRIETY, AND MEN THINK THAT THEY HAVE KILLED THE ALCOHOL; BUT THE STUFF IS STILL THERE, AND EVERY MOLECULE OF IT IS READY, AS IT WERE, TO EXPLODE AND FLY THROUGH THE BLOOD WHEN A FRESH DRAUGHT IS ADDED. AT ELEVEN O'CLOCK WE WERE AT CARDS WITH MR. CONEY. AT ONE WE WENT OUT TO ADMIRE THE MOON, AND THOUGH ONE OF US SAW TWO MOONS, HE FELT A DULL PAIN AT THE HEART AS HE REMEMBERED DAYS LONG AGO, WHEN THE PALE SPLENDOUR BROUGHT GLADNESS. WHEN WE HAD SOLEMNLY DECIDED THAT IT WAS A FINE NIGHT, WE WENT BACK TO OUR REEKING ROOM AGAIN, AND PURSUED OUR CONVERSATION ON THE PRINCIPLE THAT EACH MAN SHOULD SELECT HIS OWN SUBJECT AND TRY TO HOWL DOWN THE OTHER TWO. THIS EXERCISE SOON PALLED ON US, AND ONE BY ONE WE SANK TO SLEEP. THE CLEAR LIGHT WAS POURING IN WHEN I WOKE, BUT THE VERY SIGHT OF THE STRAIGHT BEAMS MADE ME DOLEFUL. WHEN A MAN IS IN TRAINING, THAT GUSH OF BRIGHTNESS MAKES HIM JOYOUS; BUT A NIGHT WITH THE FIEND POISONS THE LIGHT, THE AIR, THE SOUL. BOB LAY ON THE FLOOR UNDER THE FULL GLARE OF THE WINDOW. WHAT A FINE FELLOW HE WAS! HIS CHEST BULGED STRONGLY UNDER HIS FLEECY SWEATER; HIS NECK WAS ROUND AND MUSCULAR, AND EVERY LIMB OF HIM SEEMED COMPACT AND HARD. HIS CURLS WERE ALL DISHEVELLED, AND HIS FACE WAS miserably puffy, but he had not had time to become bloated. No wonder that girls liked him. PRESENTLY WE WERE ALL AWAKE, AND A MORE WRETCHED COMPANY COULD NOT VERY WELL BE FOUND. NOVELISTS TALK ABOUT "A DEBAUCH" IN A WAY THAT MAKES NOVICES THINK DEBAUCHERY HAS SOMETHING GRAND AND MYSTERIOUS ABOUT IT. "WE MUST HAVE ORGIES; IT'S THE PROPER THING," SAYS TOM SAWYER THE DELIGHTFUL. THE RAW LAD FINDS "DEBAUCHES" MENTIONED WITH MAJESTIC MELANCHOLY, AND HE NATURALLY FANCIES THAT, ALTHOUGH A DEBAUCH MAY BE WICKED, IT IS NEITHER NASTY NOR CONTEMPTIBLE. WHY CANNOT SOME GOOD MAN TELL THE SORDID TRUTH? I SUPPOSE HE WOULD BE ACCUSED OF ZOLAISM, BUT HE WOULD FRIGHTEN AWAY MANY A NICE LAD FROM THE WRONG ROAD. LET ANY YOUNGSTER WHO READS THIS TRY TO REMEMBER HIS WORST SICK HEADACHE; LET HIM (IF HE HAS BEEN TO SEA) REMEMBER THAT MOMENT WHEN HE LONGED FOR SOMEONE TO COME AND THROW HIM OVERBOARD; LET him then imagine that he has committed a deadly crime; let him also fancy what he would feel if he knew that some awful IRREPARABLE CALAMITY MUST INEVITABLY FALL ON HIM WITHIN AN HOUR. THEN HE WILL UNDERSTAND THAT STATE OF MIND AND BODY which makes men loathe beauty, loathe goodness, loathe life; then he will understand what jolly fellows endure. WE GLOWERED GLASSILY ON EACH OTHER, AND WE WERE QUITE READY EITHER TO QUARREL OR TO SHED TEARS ON THE FAINTEST PROVOCATION. PRESENTLY BOB LAUGHED IN A FORCED WAY, AND SAID, "GOD, WHAT A HEAD! LET'S COME OUT. THOSE YELLOW SHADES MAKE ME BILIOUS." THE GLORY OF FULL DAY FLOODED THE LOVELY BANKS, BUT THE LIGHT PAINED OUR EYES, AND WE SOUGHT REFUGE IN THE COOL, DIM SHADES OF THE PARLOUR. OUR CONVERSATION WAS EXACTLY LIKE THAT OF PASSENGERS ON BOARD SHIP WHEN THEY ARE JUST ABOUT TO COLLAPSE. THE MINUTES SEEMED LIKE HOURS; OUR LIMBS WERE LISTLESS, AS IF WE HAD BEEN BEATEN INTO HELPLESSNESS. SO PASSED ONE DOLEFUL HOUR. I MENTIONED BREAKFAST, AND BOB SHUDDERED, WHILE CONEY RUSHED FROM THE room. What a pleasant thing is a jovial night! "LET'S SEE IF WE CAN MANAGE SOME CHAMPAGNE," SAID DARBISHIRE, AND THE "MERRY" THREE WERE SOON MOURNFULLY GAZING ON A COSTLY MAGNUM. SIP BY SIP WE CONTRIVED TO DRINK A GLASS EACH; THEN THE FALSE THIRST WOKE, THE NAUSEA DEPARTED, AND WE were started again for the day. I PERSISTED IN TAKING VIOLENT EXERCISE, BUT DARBISHIRE SEEMED TO HAVE LOST ALL HIS MUSCULAR APTITUDES, AND ALTHOUGH I IMPLORED HIM TO EXERT HIMSELF, HE SANK INTO A LETHARGY THAT WAS ONLY VARIED BY MAD FITS, DURING WHICH HE PERFORMED THE FREAKS OF A LUNATIC. AFTER THE SIXTH DAY'S DRINKING I PROPOSED TO GO AWAY. BOB LOOKED QUEERLY AT ME, AND SAID IN A WHISPER, "DON'T YOU TRY IT ON! SEE THAT!" AND HE SHOWED ME A LITTLE DERRINGER. I LAUGHED; BUT I WAS NOT REALLY AMUSED. YOU ALWAYS NOTICE THAT, WHEN A MAN IS ABOUT TO GO WRONG, HE THINKS OF KILLING THOSE WHOM HE LIKES BEST. THAT NIGHT BOB'S HANDS FLEW ASUNDER WITH A JERK WHILE WE WERE PLAYING CARDS; THE CARDS FLEW ABOUT; THEN HE FLUNG A DECANTER VIOLENTLY INTO THE FIREPLACE, AND SAT DOWN TREMBLING AND GLARING. I SPRANG TO HIS SIDE, AND FOUND THAT THE SWEAT WAS RUNNING DOWN HIS NECK. I PULLED OFF HIS SHOES—HIS SOCKS WERE DRENCHED! I SAID, "I THOUGHT YOU'D GET THEM, OLD FELLOW. Now, have some beef-tea, and I'll send right away for a sleeping draught." Bob trembled still more. "NO BEEF-TEA. I'VE HAD NOTHING THESE THREE DAYS, AS YOU KNOW. IT WOULD KILL ME TO SWALLOW." THEN HE SAID, IN A HORRIBLE WHISPER, "THE BRUTE'S COMING DOWN THE CHIMNEY AGAIN. THERE'S A PAW! NOW HIS HEAD! NOW'S A CHANCE! YAH! YOU PINK DEVIL, THAT'S GOT YOU! THREE DAYS YOU'VE BEEN COMING, AND NOW YOU'RE CHEEKY. YEO, HO! THAT'S DONE HIM." THEN HE FLUNG a second decanter, and sank down once more with a shriek. "I'LL HAVE A DRINK ON THAT!" HE SCREAMED; AND I LET HIM TAKE A FULL GLASS OF SPIRITS, FOR I WANTED TO SECURE THE DERRINGER. THE DRINK APPEARED TO PARALYSE HIM, AND I SLIPPED DOWN TO THE LANDLORD'S ROOM. THE WORTHY MAN TOOK THINGS VERY COOLLY; NONE OF HIS TRADE EVER LIKE TO SEE A MAN DRUNK, BUT THEY BECOME HARDENED TO IT IN TIME, AND TALK ABOUT DELIRIUM tremens as if it were measles. Here is the dialogue. "Bob's queer." "I thought so. He's had 'em once before. He must be careful, but you can't stop him." [Pg 32] [Pg 33] [Pg 34] [Pg 35] [Pg 36] [Pg 37] "I must have help. I could drown myself when I think that I've perhaps encouraged him." "DON'T YOU WORRY YOURSELF. HE'D HAVE BEEN A MILLION TIMES WORSE IF YOU'D NOT BEEN ABOUT. HE SITS WITH THE WATCHMEN and all sorts of tow-rags then." "We must get him home somehow." THE LANDLORD FAIRLY SHOUTED: "HOME! ANYTHING BUT THAT! NOT THAT I WANT TO KEEP HIM, BUT WE MUST HAVE HIM RIGHT FIRST. THERE'S HIS MOTHER, WHAT COULD SHE DO?" THEN, DROPPING HIS VOICE, THE SHREWD FELLOW SAID, "YOU SEE, IT WOULD NEARLY PAY ME TO BE WITHOUT HIS CUSTOM, FOR I'M IN THE OLD LADY'S HANDS. FACT IS, THEY'VE ENGAGED HIM TO A SWELL GIRL, AND SHE'S AWFUL SPOONS ON HIM, FOR THERE AIN'T NOBODY SO NICE AND HEARTY AS HE IS WHEN HE'S SQUARE. HE'S FOND OF HER, TOO, BUT SHE WANTS TO reclaim HIM, DON'T YOU KNOW, AND HE KINDER KICKS. SO HE SAYS WHEN HE CAME, "I'M GOING TO BE OUT OF APRON- STRINGS FOR A BIT," AND I DON'T WANT HIM TO GO NEAR HOME TILL HE'S FIT TO MEET THE LADY. SHE'S A SCREAMER, SHE IS—A REAL SWELL; AND SHE'D GO OFF HER HEAD IF SHE SAW HIM WITH 'EM ON. I'LL TELL YOU WHAT WE'LL DO. I'VE GOT ONE BROMIDE OF POTASS DRAUGHT. WE'LL GET THAT INTO HIM SOMEHOW, AND IN THE MORNING WE MAY MANAGE TO FEED HIM. DURING THE DAY WE'LL GET SOME MORE STUFF FROM THE DOCTOR, AND PATCH HIM UP READY FOR HOME I DON'T CARE TO SEE HIM AGAIN, FOR THERE'S NO STOPPING him." WHEN I WENT UP TO OUR ROOM, BOB WAS LYING ON THE FLOOR, AND BREATHING HEAVILY. HE OPENED HIS EYES, ROSE, AND STAGGERED A LITTLE; THEN HE SAID, "B'LIEVE I CAN WALK A BIT; COME OUT FOR A STROLL ON THE TOW-PATH." THE MOON WAS CHARGING THROUGH WILD CLOUDS, AND THE RIVER WAS FLECKED ALTERNATELY BY STRONG LIGHTS AND BROAD SWATHES OF SHADOW. BOB MUTTERED AS HE WALKED; SO, TO GIVE HIM AN EXCUSE FOR CONVERSATION, I SAID, "WHY WERE YOU CHUCKING THE HARDWARE SO GAY AND FREE, ROBERT?" HE PUT HIS LIPS TO MY EAR, AND SAID, "THAT PINK TOM CAT HAS FOLLOWED ME FOR EVER SO LONG, AND I CAN'T DO FOR HIM ANYHOW. BY GOD, HE'S EVERYWHERE! A PINK CAT, YOU KNOW, WITH EYES MADE OF RED FIRE. HE'S ON TO ME JUST WHEN I don't expect him. Take me for a row. The brute can't come on the water." "You'll never go out to-night!" "Won't I? And so will you, or I'll know the reason why!" I had not secured that Derringer. I PICKED A BIG, BROAD BOAT AT THE INN STAIRS, AND WE WERE SOON DROPPING GENTLY OVER THE TIDE, BUT I WOULD NOT ROW HARD, AS I WANTED TO BE NEAR ASSISTANCE. TO MY ASTONISHMENT DARBISHIRE BEGAN TO TALK QUITE LUCIDLY, AND WENT ON FOR A FEW MINUTES WITH ALL THE CHARM THAT DISTINGUISHED HIM WHEN HE WAS SOBER. BY SOME STRANGE PROCESS THE BLOOD HAD BEGUN TO CIRCULATE WITH REGULARITY IN THE VESSELS OF THE IMPOVERISHED BRAIN, AND THE MAN WAS SANE. I WAS OVERJOYED, AND IN THE fulness of my heart I said, "We'll drive home, or row there to-morrow. My dear fellow, I thought you were going dotty." HIS JAW FELL; HE YELLED, "STOP HIM—STOP HIM! HE'S COMING WITH HIS MOUTH OPEN! OH! RED-HOT TEETH AND HIS BELLY FULL OF flames—the cat! Oh, I'll stand this no more—you brute, you shall drown!" In an instant he sprang overboard; the clouds CAME OVER THE MOON, AND I COULD ONLY TELL BOB'S WHEREABOUTS BY HEARING HIM WALLOWING AND SNARLING LIKE A DOG. I BACKED UP TO HIM, LEANED OVER, AND PASSED ONE OF THE RUDDER-LINES UNDER HIS ARM-PITS; HIS STRUGGLING CEASED AND I SHOUTED FOR HELP. LIGHTS MOVED ON THE BANK, AND PRESENTLY A BOAT SHOT TOWARDS US. THE LANDLORD SAID, "MERCY ON US! EXCUSE ME, SIR, BUT YOU DID OUGHT TO BE CAREFUL. YOU OUGHT TO BE SHOT FOR RISKING THAT MAN'S LIFE; I SEE AS HOW IT IS." I WAS only too glad to have missed seeing a tragedy, and I let Boniface talk on. IT WAS AGREED THAT BOB SHOULD HAVE HIS DRAUGHT, AND THAT I SHOULD SIT UP BY HIS BEDSIDE TILL FOUR NEXT MORNING. WE WRAPPED HIM IN WARM BLANKETS, AND COAXED HIM INTO TAKING THE MEDICINE. HE STARTED AND TWITCHED FOR SOME TIME, AND AT LAST SANK INTO SLEEP. HE MOANED AGAIN AND AGAIN, BUT SHOWED NO SIGNS OF WAKING, AND I SAT QUIETLY SMOKING AND FRAMING GOOD RESOLUTIONS. MY EYEBALLS WERE IRRITABLE, AND I FOUND THAT I COULD ONLY OBTAIN EASE BY CLOSING MY EYES. ONCE I STARTED UP AND WALKED TO AND FRO; THEN IT STRUCK ME I OUGHT TO THROW THE DERRINGER OUT OF THE WINDOW, AND I DID SO; THEN I SAT DOWN. THE CLOCK STRUCK TWO; MY TIRED EYES CLOSED, BUT I WAS SURE I COULD KEEP AWAKE, AND I BEGAN TO REPEAT OLD songs merely to test my memory and keep the brain active. CRASH! I WAS SITTING ON THE FLOOR. THE CLOCK STRUCK ONE, TWO, THREE! BOB WAS GONE. I HAD FALLEN ASLEEP AND BETRAYED MY TRUST. I COULD HAVE CRIED, BUT THAT WOULD DO LITTLE GOOD. THE DOOR OPENED, AND DARBISHIRE APPEARED—PROWLING STEALTHILY AND GLARING. A LONG GLITTER MET MY EYE, AND I SAW THAT BOB HAD TAKEN DOWN AN OLD YEOMANRY SABRE FROM THE WALL OF THE NEXT ROOM. HE CAME ON, AND I SHRANK UNDER THE SHADOW OF MY ARM-CHAIR. HE HEAVED UP THE SABRE, AND SHOUTED, "NOW, YOU BEAST, I'VE GOT YOU ON THE HOP!" AND HACKED AT THE BED WITH WILD FURY. AS HE TURNED HIS BACK ON ME, I PREPARED TO LAY HOLD ON HIM; HE WHIRLED ROUND SWIFTLY, AND MY HEART CAME INTO MY MOUTH. I CRIED OUT, "BOB, OLD MAN!" HE STARTED FURIOUSLY FOR A SECOND, AND THEN MADE A PASS AT ME, SENDING THE STEEL THROUGH MY CLOTHES ON THE RIGHT SIDE. I FELT A SLIGHT STING, BUT DID NOT MIND, AND BY WRENCHING MYSELF HALF ROUND I TORE THE SABRE FROM HIS HAND. THEN I CLOSED, AND HELD HIM, in spite of his struggles and frothing curses, until the landlord and ostler burst in and helped me. THE CUT ON MY SIDE ONLY NEEDED STICKING-PLAISTER, BUT I WAS COMPLETELY EXHAUSTED, AND I RESOLVED NOT TO RISK SUCH ANOTHER EXPERIENCE FOR ANY PRICE. I SAID TO THE LANDLORD, "HE MUST BE TAKEN TO THE TOWN, WHERE WE CAN HAVE A DOCTOR and attendants handy." "But you won't drive that poor lady out of her senses, will you?" "NO, I'LL TAKE HIM TO THE CHEQUERS, AND SMUGGLE HIM IN AT NIGHT. THEY KNOW ME THERE, AND NOT A SOUL BUT THE DOCTOR AND [Pg 38] [Pg 39] [Pg 40] [Pg 41] [Pg 42] the men will be able to tell where he is." BONIFACE WAS NOT QUITE SATISFIED, BUT HE AGREED TO LEND ME TWO MEN, AND AT DUSK I DROVE ROUND TO THE BACK GATE OF THE Chequers, and smuggled Bob through the stables. HE WAS VERY WELL BEHAVED WHEN THE DOCTOR CAME, AND EVEN THANKED HIM FOR PROVIDING TWO CAREFUL ATTENDANTS. THE doctor's directions were very simple. "I'll give him some strong meat essence at once; then he must have the draught that I WILL SEND. NO ALCOHOL ON ANY CONSIDERATION, NO MATTER IF HE GOES ON HIS KNEES TO YOU. LET HIM HAVE MILK AND BEEF-TEA as often as you can, and never leave him for an instant." OUR LANDLORD OF THE CHEQUERS WAS VERY FUNNY ABOUT THE JIM-JAMS, AND FUNNIER STILL ABOUT MY SUDDENLY TAKING TO SWELL company; but I let him talk on, and he certainly kept unusually quiet, though no more inveterate gossip ever lived. AT A VERY LATE HOUR I WAS STROLLING HOMEWARD, LONG AFTER THE LAST REELING COSTER HAD SWAYED AND HOWLED TOWARDS HIS SLUM, WHEN TWO WOMEN STOPPED ME THEN A MAN CAME FROM THE SHADOW OF THE WALL, AND I THOUGHT I HAD FALLEN ACROSS SOME STRANGE NIGHT-BIRDS; BUT ONE OF THE WOMEN SPOKE, AND I KNEW SHE WAS A LADY. "YOU HAVE MY BOY IN THAT HORRID PLACE. TELL ME, IS HE WELL? I MUST SEE HIM; I'LL TEAR THE DOORS DOWN WITH MY NAILS." THEN THE MAN SAID, "I DROVE THE KEB, SIR. I KNOWS MR. ROBERT, AND I THOUGHT I'D BETTER TELL HIS MOTHER." I EAGERLY SAID, "MADAM, YOU SHALL SEE HIM, BUT, PRAY, NOT TO-NIGHT. THE SHOCK MIGHT KILL HIM. ON MY HONOUR HE IS IN GOOD HANDS, AND I PROMISE TO COME TO YOU ON THE INSTANT when it is safe for you to meet him." The lady MOANED, "OH, MY BOY—MY DARLING—MY OWN! OH! THE CURSE!"—AND THEN she went away. IN TWO DAYS BOB WAS QUITE CALM AND RATIONAL. HE CRAVED FOR FOOD, AND SEEMED SO WELL THAT I THOUGHT I MIGHT MANAGE HIM SINGLE-HANDED. SO THE ATTENDANTS WERE DISMISSED, WITH THE DOCTOR'S PERMISSION, AND BOB AND I SETTLED DOWN FOR A QUIET CHAT. I SHALL NEVER FORGET THAT TALK. THE LAD WAS NOT MAUDLIN, AND HE UTTERLY REFUSED TO WHIMPER, BUT HE SEEMED SUDDENLY TO HAVE SEEN THE HORROR OF THE PAST. "YOU CAN STOP IN TIME, OLD MAN," HE SAID, "BUT I CAN'T. WHEN I'M WELL, I'LL TURN TO WORK, AND I'LL TRY TO KEEP OTHER CHAPS FROM GETTING INTO THE MUD. IT WOULD BE FUNNY TO SEE ME PREACHING TO THE BOYS UP RIVER, WOULDN'T IT?" FOR A MOMENT I THOUGHT, "I'LL TURN TEETOTAL AS WELL," BUT I DID NOT SAY IT. I BENT TOWARDS BOB AND ASKED, "WOULD YOU CARE TO SEE YOUR MOTHER, OLD MAN?" HE SMILED BEAUTIFULLY, AND EAGERLY ANSWERED, "GO FOR HER now." I WAS AWAY ABOUT TWO HOURS, AND RETURNED WITH MRS. DARBISHIRE. THE LANDLORD MET US, AND GRAVELY SAID "I'VE BEEN AWAY, BUT THE POTMAN TELLS ME A QUEER YARN. MR. DARBISHIRE MADE QUEER SIGNS OUT OF WINDOW TO THE MAN YOU CALL THE RAMPER, AND MR. RAMPER GOES TO THE PUB OVER THE WAY AND THEN UP TO THE ROOM. AND NOW MR. ROBERT'S BEEN LOCKED IN FOR A HOUR AND A HALF." MY HEART GAVE ONE LEAP, AND THEN I FELT COLD. WE HURRIED UP STAIRS, AND WE HEARD A LONG SHRILL snarl—not like a human voice. "Locked! Fetch a crowbar, and call up one of the lads to help." WE BURST OPEN THE DOOR, AND THERE ON THE BED LAY BOB. HE WAS CHATTERING, AS IT WERE, IN HIS SLEEP, AND A BRANDY BOTTLE LAY ON THE FLOOR. HE HAD SWALLOWED NEARLY THE WHOLE OF THE POISON RAW, AND HIS LIMBS WERE PARALYZED. SUDDENLY HE OPENE...