BodyLanguage.indd 1 7/28/09 3:42:25 PM I I I I The ody B Language Rules A sAvvy guide To undeRsTAnding who’s fl iRT ing, who’s fAking, And who’s ReAlly inTeResTed Judi James Copyright © 2009 by Judi James Cover and internal design © 2009 by Sourcebooks, Inc. Cover design by Christopher Tobias Cover images © Junophoto/Getty Images Sourcebooks and the colophon are registered trademarks of Source- books, Inc. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means including information storage and retrieval systems—except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews—without permission in writ- ing from its publisher, Sourcebooks, Inc. This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative infor- mation in regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the under- standing that the publisher is not engaged in rendering legal, accounting, or other professional service. If legal advice or other expert assistance is required, the services of a competent professional person should be sought.—From a Declaration of Principles Jointly Adopted by a Committee of the American Bar Association and a Committee of Publishers and Associations All brand names and product names used in this book are trademarks, registered trademarks, or trade names of their respective holders. Sour- cebooks, Inc., is not associated with any product or vendor in this book. Published by Sourcebooks, Inc. P.O. Box 4410, Naperville, Illinois 60567-4410 (630) 961-3900 Fax: (630) 961-2168 www.sourcebooks.com Originally published as The Body Language Bible in England in 2008. Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data James, Judi. [Body language Bible] Body language rules : a savvy guide to understanding who’s flirting, who’s faking, and who’s really interested / Judi James. p. cm. Originally published under title: The body language Bible, by Ver- million in 2008. 1. Body language. 2. Body image. I. Title. BF637.N66J35 2009 153.6’9--dc22 2009011927 Printed and bound in the United States of America. CHG 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 BodyLanguage.indd 2 7/31/09 11:41:11 AM To my mother, Renee Sale BodyLanguage.indd 3 7/28/09 3:42:25 PM BodyLanguage.indd 4 7/28/09 3:42:25 PM Introduction vii Part One: Body Language Basics Chapter 1: How Body Language Works 3 Chapter 2: From Monkey to Man 21 Part Two: Practical Body Language Chapter 3: How to Make Your Body Language Work for You 39 Chapter 4: A Beginner’s Guide to Posture 59 Chapter 5: Gestures 73 Chapter 6: A Beginner’s Guide to Your Hand Gestures 97 Chapter 7: Facial Expressions 117 Chapter 8: Touch 145 BodyLanguage. indd 5 7/28/09 3 :42:25 PM ConTenTs Part Three: Using Body Language in the Real World Chapter 9: Dating and Mating 161 Chapter 10: Dealing with Friends and Relatives 203 Part Four: Body Language and Business Chapter 11: Getting on Board: The Skills of Recruitment and Interviews 231 Chapter 12: Bodytalk in the Workplace 255 Chapter 13: Killer Occasions 309 Chapter 14: Reading Other People in the Workplace 351 Summary 373 Body Language Dictionary 375 About the Author 395 BodyLanguage.indd 6 7/28/09 3:42:25 PM ody language is the most fluent, lyrical, revealing, and B significant form of communication As an off-shoot of the psychology of human behavior, it is intriguing, exciting, fascinating, and fun—and yet ultimately frustrating As a communication skill your body language accounts for over 50 percent of the perceived impact of all your face-to-face messages and so you underestimate its power and influence at your peril By creating and defining your own body language, and therefore your own image, you will avoid allowing others to perceive you in a way that will have more to do with assumption and misunderstanding than real skills and abilities However, body language is also a much misunderstood subject and a lot of the current advice on the subject is drivel By using terms like body language “tells” and analyzing gestures in a simplistic, comic-book style along the lines of “scratching your nose means you’re lying,” many BodyLanguage.indd 7 7/28/09 3:42:25 PM inTRoduCT ion v i i i The BODy LAngUAge RULeS psychologists, TV magicians, and experts have done a lot to mislead the public, therefore damaging what should be primarily an instinctive, sometimes random, but never- theless revealing process Do you believe that crossing your arms means you’re defensive? Or that someone stroking their hair must be flirting with you? Then you’ve been reading the wrong books, because the fact is that body language is not a precise science Tempting though it is to claim otherwise, any one gesture can be interpreted in several different ways, just as words can have several meanings Crossing your arms could mean you feel anxious or angry—or simply that the room’s too cold Arm folding can be performed to signal displeasure or cut-off but it is also what’s called a discovered action, something we do just because it feels comfortable Nose touching could show you’re covering your mouth to conceal a lie, but it could just as easily mean you’ve got an itchy nose Some gestures are inborn, meaning you do them out of instinct and have very little control over them To understand words we have to place them into the context of a sentence, and it’s just the same with body language gestures, except the sentence is formed by all your other movements and signals This is why I wrote this book When I’m training or speaking at conferences one of the most frequently asked questions is what one gesture or another means, as though my studies and experience BodyLanguage.indd 8 7/28/09 3:42:25 PM InTRODUcT IOn i x have endowed me with an almost mystical ability to read people’s minds by a single movement or roll of the eyes Easy and tempting though it would be to go along with this misconception, I have to admit that it’s just not that simple So here are the facts: I y our own body language signals release thousands of subtle and subconscious signals about you as you speak I y our signals can be responsible for success or failure at any stage of your career, social life, or sex life I y ou are probably unaware of most of your signals I y our body language messages are seen by others as a more honest and reliable expression of your thoughts and feelings than your words When your words are at odds with your gestures it’s your gestures that will be seen as the truth I B y learning about your own signals and then working to improve them you will enhance your effect and image I B y studying others’ body language signals and increasing your visual perceptions you will find it easier to understand the emotions and thoughts behind their words I L ook for “clues” or what are called cues, not “tells ” This means taking each movement and gesture and then evaluating it in the context of other movements, not isolating them in a “one size fits all” way I B y reading other people you will enhance your understanding of them, getting 100 percent more value out of all your face-to-face communications BodyLanguage.indd 9 7/28/09 3:42:26 PM