The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Bab Ballads, by William Schwenck Gilbert This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. Title: The Bab Ballads With Which are Included Songs of a Savoyard Author: William Schwenck Gilbert Release Date: March 28, 2017 [EBook #54452] Language: English Character set encoding: UTF-8 *** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE BAB BALLADS *** Produced by Chris Curnow, Jwala Kumar Sista, Joseph Cooper and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net The cover image was created by the transcriber and is placed in the public domain. THE BAB BALLADS THE BAB BALLADS WITH WHICH ARE INCLUDED SONGS OF A SAVOYARD BY W. S. GILBERT WITH 350 ILLUSTRATIONS BY THE AUTHOR LONDON MACMILLAN & CO LTD NEW YORK. ST MARTIN'S PRESS This book is copyright in all countries which are signatories to the Berne Convention Transferred to Macmillan and Co. Ltd., 1904 Sixth Edition 1904 Reprinted 1906, 1908, 1910, 1912, 1914, 1917, 1919 1920, 1922, 1924, 1926, 1932, 1953, 1960 MACMILLAN AND COMPANY LIMITED London Bombay Calcutta Madras Melbourne THE MACMILLAN COMPANY OF CANADA LIMITED Toronto ST MARTIN'S PRESS INC New York PRINTED IN GREAT BRITAIN AUTHOR'S NOTE About thirty years since, several of "The Bab Ballads" (most of which had appeared, from time to time, in the pages of Fun) were collected by me, and published by Messrs. George Routledge and Sons. This volume passed through several editions, and, in due course, was followed by a second series under the title of "More Bab Ballads," which achieved a popularity equal to that of its predecessor. Subsequently, excerpts were made from these two volumes, and, under the title of "Fifty Bab Ballads," had a very considerable sale; but I soon discovered that in making the selection for this volume I had discarded certain Ballads that were greater favourites with my readers than with me. Nevertheless this issue was followed by many editions, English and American, of "Bab Ballads," "More Bab Ballads," and "Fifty Bab Ballads," to the no little bewilderment of such of the public as had been good enough to concern themselves with my verses. So it became desirable (for our own private ends) that this confusion should be definitely cleared up; and thus it came to pass that a reissue of the two earlier collections, in one volume, was decided upon. Some seven years since, I collected the most popular of the songs and ballads which I had written for the series of light operas with which my name is associated, and published them under the title of "Songs of a Savoyard." It recently occurred to me that these songs had so much in common with "The Bab Ballads" that it might be advisable to weld the two books into one. This is, briefly, the history of the present volume. I have always felt that many of the original illustrations to "The Bab Ballads" erred gravely in the direction of unnecessary extravagance. This defect I have endeavoured to correct through the medium of the two hundred new drawings which I have designed for this volume. I am afraid I cannot claim for them any other recommendation, W. S. GILBERT. Grim's Dyke, Harrow Weald, 4th December 1897. CONTENTS. Page Captain Reece 1 The Darned Mounseer 6 The Rival Curates 8 The Englishman 13 Only a Dancing Girl 14 The Disagreeable Man 16 General John 18 The Coming By-and-By 22 To a Little Maid 24 The Highly Respectable Gondolier 26 John and Freddy 28 The Fairy Queen's Song 32 Sir Guy the Crusader 34 Is Life a Boon? 38 Haunted 39 The Modern Major-General 42 The Bishop and the 'Busman 44 The Heavy Dragoon 49 The Troubadour 51 Proper Pride 56 Ferdinando and Elvira; or, the Gentle Pieman 58 The Policeman's Lot 63 Lorenzo de Lardy 64 The Baffled Grumbler 69 Disillusioned 71 The House of Peers 74 Babette's Love 76 A Merry Madrigal 81 To my Bride 82 The Duke and the Duchess 84 The Folly of Brown 87 Eheu Fugaces—! 92 Sir Macklin 94 They'll None of 'em be Missed 99 The Yarn of the "Nancy Bell" 101 Girl Graduates 106 The Bishop of Rum-ti-Foo 108 Braid the Raven Hair 113 The Precocious Baby 114 The Working Monarch 119 To Phœbe 122 The Ape and the Lady 123 Baines Carew, Gentleman 125 Only Roses 130 Thomas Winterbottom Hance 131 The Rover's Apology 136 A Discontented Sugar Broker 138 An Appeal 143 The Pantomime "Super" to his Mask 144 The Reward of Merit 146 The Ghost, the Gallant, the Gael, and the Goblin 148 The Magnet and the Churn 153 King Borria Bungalee Boo 155 The Family Fool 161 The Periwinkle Girl 164 Sans Souci 169 Thomson Green and Harriet Hale 171 A Recipe 175 Bob Polter 176 The Merryman and his Maid 182 Ellen M'Jones Aberdeen 185 The Susceptible Chancellor 191 Peter the Wag 193 When a Merry Maiden Marries 198 The Three Kings of Chickeraboo 200 The British Tar 204 Gentle Alice Brown 205 A Man who would Woo a Fair Maid 209 The Sorcerer's Song 211 The Bumboat Woman's Story 214 The Fickle Breeze 219 The Two Ogres 221 The First Lord's Song 227 Little Oliver 229 Mister William 235 Would you Know? 240 Pasha Bailey Ben 242 Lieutenant-Colonel Flare 248 Speculation 254 Ah Me! 255 Lost Mr. Blake 256 The Duke of Plaza-Toro 262 The Baby's Vengeance 265 The Æsthete 271 The Captain and the Mermaids 273 Said I to Myself, Said I 278 Annie Protheroe 280 Sorry her Lot 286 An Unfortunate Likeness 287 The Contemplative Sentry 292 Gregory Parable, LL.D. 294 The Philosophic Pill 299 The King of Canoodle-dum 301 Blue Blood 307 First Love 309 The Judge's Song 315 Brave Alum Bey 317 When I First put this Uniform on 322 Sir Barnaby Bampton Boo 324 Solatium 329 The Modest Couple 330 A Nightmare 335 The Martinet 338 Don't Forget! 345 The Sailor Boy to his Lass 348 The Suicide's Grave 354 The Reverend Simon Magus 356 He and She 361 Damon V. Pythias 363 The Mighty Must 367 My Dream 368 A Mirage 374 The Bishop of Rum-ti-Foo Again 376 The Ghosts' High Noon 381 A Worm will Turn 383 The Humane Mikado 388 The Haughty Actor 391 Willow Waly! 397 The Two Majors 399 Life is Lovely all the Year 403 Emily, John, James, and I 405 The Usher's Charge 411 The Perils of Invisibility 413 The Great Oak Tree 418 Old Paul and Old Tim 420 King Goodheart 424 The Mystic Selvagee 426 Sleep on! 431 The Cunning Woman 433 The Love-sick Boy 439 Phrenology 440 Poetry Everywhere 445 The Fairy Curate 446 He Loves! 453 The Way of Wooing 454 True Diffidence 458 Hongree and Mahry 460 The Tangled Skein 466 The Reverend Micah Sowls 467 My Lady 471 One against the World 473 The Force of Argument 475 Put a Penny in the Slot 480 Good Little Girls 482 The Phantom Curate 484 Life 487 Limited Liability 490 The Sensation Captain 492 Anglicised Utopia 497 An English Girl 499 Tempora Mutantur 501 A Manager's Perplexities 504 Out of Sorts 506 At a Pantomime 508 How it's Done 512 A Classical Revival 515 The Story of Prince Agib 518 The Practical Joker 523 The National Anthem 526 Joe Golightly; or, the First Lord's Daughter 528 Her Terms 534 The Independent Bee 536 To the Terrestrial Globe 539 Etiquette 541 The Disconcerted Tenor 547 Ben Allah Achmet; or, the Fatal Tum 549 The Played-out Humorist 553 Index to First Lines 555 Alphabetical Index to Titles 561 THE BAB BALLADS CAPTAIN REECE Of all the ships upon the blue No ship contained a better crew Than that of worthy Captain Reece, Commanding of The Mantelpiece. He was adored by all his men, For worthy Captain Reece, R.N., Did all that lay within him to Promote the comfort of his crew. If ever they were dull or sad, Their captain danced to them like mad, Or told, to make the time pass by. Droll legends of his infancy. A feather bed had every man, Warm slippers and hot-water can, Brown Windsor from the captain's store, A valet, too, to every four. Did they with thirst in summer burn? Lo, seltzogenes at every turn, And on all very sultry days Cream ices handed round on trays. Then currant wine and ginger pops Stood handily on all the "tops"; And, also, with amusement rife, A "Zoetrope, or Wheel of Life." New volumes came across the sea From Mister Mudie's libraree; The Times and Saturday Review Beguiled the leisure of the crew. Kind-hearted Captain Reece, R.N., Was quite devoted to his men; In point of fact, good Captain Reece Beatified The Mantelpiece. One summer eve, at half-past ten, He said (addressing all his men): "Come, tell me, please, what I can do To please and gratify my crew? "By any reasonable plan I'll make you happy, if I can; My own convenience count as nil; It is my duty, and I will." Then up and answered William Lee (The kindly captain's coxswain he, A nervous, shy, low-spoken man), He cleared his throat and thus began: "You have a daughter, Captain Reece, Ten female cousins and a niece, A ma, if what I'm told is true, Six sisters, and an aunt or two. "Now, somehow, sir, it seems to me, More friendly-like we all should be If you united of 'em to Unmarried members of the crew. "If you'd ameliorate our life, Let each select from them a wife; And as for nervous me, old pal, Give me your own enchanting gal!" Good Captain Reece, that worthy man, Debated on his coxswain's plan: "I quite agree," he said, "O Bill; It is my duty, and I will. "My daughter, that enchanting gurl, Has just been promised to an earl, And all my other familee, To peers of various degree. "But what are dukes and viscounts to The happiness of all my crew? The word I gave you I'll fulfil; It is my duty, and I will. "As you desire it shall befall, I'll settle thousands on you all, And I shall be, despite my hoard, The only bachelor on board." The boatswain of The Mantelpiece, He blushed and spoke to Captain Reece. "I beg your honour's leave," he said, "If you would wish to go and wed, "I have a widowed mother who Would be the very thing for you— She long has loved you from afar, She washes for you, Captain R." The captain saw the dame that day— Addressed her in his playful way— "And did it want a wedding ring? It was a tempting ickle sing! "Well, well, the chaplain I will seek, We'll all be married this day week— At yonder church upon the hill; It is my duty, and I will!" The sisters, cousins, aunts, and niece, And widowed ma of Captain Reece, Attended there as they were bid; It was their duty, and they did. THE DARNED MOUNSEER I shipped, d'ye see, in a Revenue sloop, And, off Cape Finisteere, A merchantman we see, A Frenchman, going free, So we made for the bold Mounseer, D'ye see? We made for the bold Mounseer! But she proved to be a Frigate—and she up with her ports, And fires with a thirty-two! It come uncommon near, But we answered with a cheer, Which paralysed the Parley-voo, D'ye see? Which paralysed the Parley-voo! Then our Captain he up and he says, says he, "That chap we need not fear,— We can take her, if we like, She is sartin for to strike, For she's only a darned Mounseer, D'ye see? She's only a darned Mounseer! But to fight a French fal-lal—it's like hittin' of a gal— It's a lubberly thing for to do; For we, with all our faults, Why, we're sturdy British salts, While she's but a Parley-voo, D'ye see? A miserable Parley-voo!" So we up with our helm, and we scuds before the breeze, As we gives a compassionating cheer; Froggee answers with a shout As he sees us go about, Which was grateful of the poor Mounseer, D'ye see? Which was grateful of the poor Mounseer! And I'll wager in their joy they kissed each other's cheek (Which is what them furriners do), And they blessed their lucky stars We were hardy British tars Who had pity on a poor Parley-voo, D'ye see? Who had pity on a poor Parley-voo! THE RIVAL CURATES List while the poet trolls Of Mr. Clayton Hooper, Who had a cure of souls At Spiffton-extra-Sooper. He lived on curds and whey, And daily sang their praises, And then he'd go and play With buttercups and daisies. Wild croquet Hooper banned, And all the sports of Mammon, He warred with cribbage, and He exorcised backgammon. His helmet was a glance That spoke of holy gladness; A saintly smile his lance, A saintly smile his lance, His shield a tear of sadness. His Vicar smiled to see This armour on him buckled; With pardonable glee He blessed himself and chuckled: "In mildness to abound My curate's sole design is, In all the country round There's none so mild as mine is!" And Hooper, disinclined His trumpet to be blowing. Yet didn't think you'd find A milder curate going. A friend arrived one day At Spiffton-extra-Sooper, And in this shameful way He spoke to Mr. Hooper: "You think your famous name For mildness can't be shaken. That none can blot your fame— But, Hooper, you're mistaken! "Your mind is not as blank As that of Hopley Porter, Who holds a curate's rank At Assesmilk-cum-Worter. "He plays the airy flute, And looks depressed and blighted, Doves round about him 'toot,' And lambkins dance delighted. "He labours more than you At worsted work, and frames it; In old maids' albums, too, Sticks seaweed—yes, and names it!" The tempter said his say, Which pierced him like a needle— He summoned straight away His sexton and his beadle. These men were men who could Hold liberal opinions: On Sundays they were good— On week-days they were minions. "To Hopley Porter go, Your fare I will afford you— Deal him a deadly blow, And blessings shall reward you. "But stay—I do not like Undue assassination, And so, before you strike, Make this communication: "I'll give him this one chance— If he'll more gaily bear him, Play croquet, smoke, and dance, Play croquet, smoke, and dance, I willingly will spare him." They went, those minions true, To Assesmilk-cum-Worter, And told their errand to The Reverend Hopley Porter. "What?" said that reverend gent, "Dance through my hours of leisure? Smoke?—bathe myself with scent?— Play croquet? Oh, with pleasure! "Wear all my hair in curl? Stand at my door, and wink—so— At every passing girl? My brothers, I should think so! "For years I've longed for some Excuse for this revulsion: Now that excuse has come— I do it on compulsion!!!" He smoked and winked away— This Reverend Hopley Porter— The deuce there was to pay At Assesmilk-cum-Worter. And Hooper holds his ground, In mildness daily growing— They think him, all around, The mildest curate going. THE ENGLISHMAN He is an Englishman! For he himself has said it, And it's greatly to his credit, That he is an Englishman! For he might have been a Roosian, A French, or Turk, or Proosian, Or perhaps Itali-an! But in spite of all temptations, To belong to other nations, He remains an Englishman! Hurrah! For the true-born Englishman! ONLY A DANCING GIRL Only a dancing girl, Only a dancing girl, With an unromantic style, With borrowed colour and curl, With fixed mechanical smile, With many a hackneyed wile, With ungrammatical lips, And corns that mar her trips! Hung from the "flies" in air, She acts a palpable lie; She's as little a fairy there As unpoetical I! I hear you asking, Why— Why in the world I sing This tawdry, tinselled thing? No airy fairy she, As she hangs in arsenic green, From a highly impossible tree, In a highly impossible scene (Herself not over clean). For fays don't suffer, I'm told, From bunions, coughs, or cold. And stately dames that bring Their daughters there to see, Pronounce the "dancing thing" No better than she should be. With her skirt at her shameful knee, And her painted, tainted phiz: Ah, matron, which of us is? (And, in sooth, it oft occurs That while these matrons sigh, Their dresses are lower than hers, And sometimes half as high; And their hair is hair they buy. And they use their glasses, too, In a way she'd blush to do.) But change her gold and green For a coarse merino gown, And see her upon the scene Of her home, when coaxing down Her drunken father's frown, In his squalid cheerless den: She's a fairy truly, then! THE DISAGREEABLE MAN If you give me your attention, I will tell you what I am: If you give me your attention, I will tell you what I am: I'm a genuine philanthropist—all other kinds are sham. Each little fault of temper and each social defect In my erring fellow-creatures, I endeavour to correct. To all their little weaknesses I open people's eyes, And little plans to snub the self-sufficient I devise; I love my fellow-creatures—I do all the good I can— Yet everybody says I'm such a disagreeable man! And I can't think why! To compliments inflated I've a withering reply, And vanity I always do my best to mortify; A charitable action I can skilfully dissect; And interested motives I'm delighted to detect. I know everybody's income and what everybody earns, And I carefully compare it with the income-tax returns; But to benefit humanity however much I plan, Yet everybody says I'm such a disagreeable man! And I can't think why! I'm sure I'm no ascetic; I'm as pleasant as can be; You'll always find me ready with a crushing repartee; I've an irritating chuckle, I've a celebrated sneer, I've an entertaining snigger, I've a fascinating leer; To everybody's prejudice I know a thing or two; I can tell a woman's age in half a minute—and I do— But although I try to make myself as pleasant as I can. Yet everybody says I'm such a disagreeable man! And I can't think why! GENERAL JOHN The bravest names for fire and flames And all that mortal durst, Were General John and Private James, Of the Sixty-seventy-first. General John was a soldier tried, A chief of warlike dons; A haughty stride and a withering pride Were Major-General John's. A sneer would play on his martial phiz, Superior birth to show; "Pish!" was a favourite word of his, And he often said "Ho! ho!" Full-Private James described might be As a man of a mournful mind; No characteristic trait had he Of any distinctive kind. From the ranks, one day, cried Private James, "Oh! Major-General John, I've doubts of our respective names My mournful mind upon. "A glimmering thought occurs to me (Its source I can't unearth), But I've a kind of a notion we Were cruelly changed at birth. "I've a strange idea that each other's names "I've a strange idea that each other's names We've each of us here got on. Such things have been," said Private James. "They have!" sneered General John. "My General John, I swear upon My oath I think 'tis so——" "Pish!" proudly sneered his General John And he also said "Ho! ho!" "My General John! my General John! My General John!" quoth he, "This aristocratical sneer upon Your face I blush to see! "No truly great or generous cove Deserving of them names Would sneer at a fixed idea that's drove In the mind of a Private James!" Said General John, "Upon your claims No need your breath to waste; If this is a joke, Full-Private James, It's a joke of doubtful taste. "But, being a man of doubtless worth, If you feel certain quite That we were probably changed at birth, I'll venture to say you're right." So General John as Private James Fell in, parade upon; And Private James, by change of names, Was Major-General John. THE COMING BY-AND-BY Sad is that woman's lot who, year by year, Sad is that woman's lot who, year by year, Sees, one by one, her beauties disappear; As Time, grown weary of her heart-drawn sighs, Impatiently begins to "dim her eyes "!— Herself compelled, in life's uncertain gloamings, To wreathe her wrinkled brow with well-saved "combings"— Reduced, with rouge, lipsalve, and pearly grey, To "make up" for lost time, as best she may! Silvered is the raven hair, Spreading is the parting straight, Mottled the complexion fair, Halting is the youthful gait, Hollow is the laughter free, Spectacled the limpid eye, Little will be left of me, In the coming by-and-by! Fading is the taper waist— Shapeless grows the shapely limb, And although securely laced, Spreading is the figure trim! Stouter than I used to be, Still more corpulent grow I— There will be too much of me In the coming by-and-by! TO A LITTLE MAID BY A POLICEMAN Come with me, little maid! Nay, shrink not, thus afraid— I'll harm thee not! Fly not, my love, from me— I have a home for thee— A fairy grot, Where mortal eye Can rarely pry, There shall thy dwelling be! List to me, while I tell The pleasures of that cell, Oh, little maid! What though its couch be rude— Homely the only food Within its shade? No thought of care Can enter there, No vulgar swain intrude! Come with me, little maid, Come to the rocky shade I love to sing; Live with us, maiden rare— Come, for we "want" thee there, Thou elfin thing, To work thy spell, In some cool cell In stately Pentonville! THE HIGHLY RESPECTABLE GONDOLIER I stole the Prince, and I brought him here, And left him, gaily prattling With a highly respectable Gondolier, Who promised the Royal babe to rear, And teach him the trade of a timoneer With his own beloved bratling. Both of the babes were strong and stout, And, considering all things, clever. Of that there is no manner of doubt— No probable, possible shadow of doubt— No possible doubt whatever. Time sped, and when at the end of a year I sought that infant cherished, That highly respectable Gondolier Was lying a corpse on his humble bier— I dropped a Grand Inquisitor's tear— That Gondolier had perished! A taste for drink, combined with gout, Had doubled him up for ever. Of that there is no manner of doubt— No probable, possible shadow of doubt— No possible doubt whatever. But owing, I'm much disposed to fear, To his terrible taste for tippling, That highly respectable Gondolier Could never declare with a mind sincere Which of the two was his offspring dear, And which the Royal stripling! Which was which he could never make out, Despite his best endeavour. Of that there is no manner of doubt— No probable, possible shadow of doubt— No possible doubt whatever. The children followed his old career— (This statement can't be parried) Of a highly respectable Gondolier: Well, one of the two (who will soon be here)— But which of the two is not quite clear— Is the Royal Prince you married! Search in and out and round about And you'll discover never A tale so free from every doubt— All probable, possible shadow of doubt— All possible doubt whatever! JOHN AND FREDDY John courted lovely Mary Ann, So likewise did his brother, Freddy. Fred was a very soft young man, While John, though quick, was most unsteady Fred was a graceful kind of youth, But John was very much the strongest. "Oh, dance away," said she, "in truth,