A nger The H A BI T in REL ATIONSHIPS A nger The H A BI T in REL ATIONSHIPS A Communication Handbook for Relationships, Marriages and Partnerships Carl Semmelroth, PhD Copyright©2005byCarlSemmelroth,PhD Coverandinternaldesign©2005bySourcebooks,Inc. SourcebooksandthecolophonareregisteredtrademarksofSourcebooks,Inc. Allrightsreserved.Nopartofthisbookmaybereproducedinanyformorby anyelectronicormechanicalmeansincludinginformationstorageandretrieval systems—exceptinthecaseofbriefquotationsembodiedincriticalarticlesor reviews—withoutpermissioninwritingfromitspublisher,Sourcebooks,Inc. 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P.O.Box4410,Naperville,Illinois60567-4410 (630)961-3900 FAX:(630)961-2168 www.sourcebooks.com LibraryofCongressCataloging-in-PublicationData Semmelroth,Carl. Theangerhabitinrelationships/byCarlSemmelroth. p.cm. 1.Anger.2.Man-womanrelationships.3.Habitbreaking.I.Title. BF575.A5S4572005 152.4'7—dc22 2004016837 PrintedandboundintheUnitedStatesofAmerica VP10987654 To Will Crichton (1928–2002) Philosopher, Poet, Teacher, and Friend Table of Contents Acknowledgments . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . xi Introduction: How to Use This Book . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . xiii Chapter 1: Anger Is about Control . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1 Chapter 2: Transaction and Interaction in Relationships . . . 9 Exercise 2A: Finding Obligations that Are Not Real Obligations in Your Relationship . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 12 Exercise 2B: Increasing Interactive Conversation with Your Partner . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 17 Practice Record For Chapter 2 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 20 Chapter 3: Criticism Keeps Anger Warm and Relationships Cold . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 23 Exercise 3A: Turning Judgmental Thinking into Factual Thinking . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 27 Practice Record For Chapter 3 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 33 Chapter 4: Imaginary and Real Relationships . . . . . . . . . . . 35 Exercise 4A: Examine Your Most Important Relationship, Imaginary and Real . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 39 Exercise 4B: Substituting Good Actions for Good Intentions. . 43 Practice Record For Chapter 4 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 46 Chapter 5: You Are Not Your Partner’s Disciplinarian . . . . . 47 Exercise 5A: Recognizing that Angry Feelings in Your Body Are Different from Angry Thoughts . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 51 Exercise 5B: What Does Your Angry Partner Want? . . . . . . . 53 Exercise 5C: What Does Your Anger Want? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 55 Practice Record For Chapter 5 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 59 Chapter 6: Self-Induced Unhappiness in Relationships . . . . 61 Exercise 6A: Getting Rid of Habitual Unhappiness . . . . . . . . 66 Exercise 6B: Shortening Your Laundry List of Hurts that Make You Unhappy . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 70 Practice Record For Chapter 6 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 75 Chapter 7: Dealing with Hot Anger . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 77 Exercise 7A: Dumb Things You Have Done When You Were Angry with Your Partner . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 80 Exercise 7B: Learning that Waiting Makes it Easier to Resolve Problems . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 83 Exercise 7C: Identifying the Slogans that Inflame Your Anger . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 86 Practice Record For Chapter 7 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 89 Chapter 8: Replacing Self-Importance with Gratitude . . . . . 91 Exercise 8A: Identifying My Self-Importance in My Major Relationships . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 95 Exercise 8B: Cultivating Gratitude in My Relationships . . . 100 Practice Record For Chapter 8 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 104 Chapter 9: Substituting Respect and Individuality for Anger and Secrecy . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .105 Exercise 9A: Ending Your Sneak Attempts at Individuality . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .110 Exercise 9B: Building Respect for One Another . . . . . . . . . .115 Practice Record For Chapter 9 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .119 Chapter 10: Restoring Communication in Relationships . .121 Exercise 10A: Replacing Argument Starters with Communication Starters . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .126 Exercise 10B: Understanding Why You Fight and How You Can Avoid Fighting . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .131 Practice Record For Chapter 10 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .138 Index . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .141 About the Author . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .145