01 Harley/Surviving MLS/dm 12/23/03 11:13 AM Page 1 SS UURRVVIIVVIINNGG AA AANN FFFFAAIIRR 01 Harley/Surviving MLS/dm 12/23/03 11:13 AM Page 2 Other books by Willard F. Harley, Jr. His Needs, Her Needs Love Busters 5 Steps to Romantic Love Give and Take Your Love and Marriage The Four Gifts of Love 01 Harley/Surviving MLS/dm 12/23/03 11:13 AM Page 3 S S URVIVING URVIVING A A AN FFAIR AN FFAIR D . W F. H , J . R ILLARD ARLEY R AND D . J H C R ENNIFER ARLEY HALMERS 01 Harley/Surviving MLS/dm 12/23/03 11:13 AM Page 4 © 1998 by Willard F. Harley, Jr., and Jennifer Harley Chalmers Published by Fleming H. Revell a division of Baker Book House Company P.O. Box 6287, Grand Rapids, MI 49516-6287 Printed in the United States of America All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means—for example, electronic, photocopy, recording—without the prior written permission of the publisher. The only exception is brief quotations in printed reviews. Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Harley, Willard F. Surviving an affair / Willard F. Harley, Jr., Jennifer Harley Chalmers. p. cm. ISBN 0-8007-1758-9 (cloth) 1. Adultery. 2. Marriage. 3. Marriage counseling. I. Chalmers, Jennifer Harley. II. Title HQ806.H36 1998 306.73'6—dc21 98-24531 For current information about all releases from Baker Book House, visit our web site: http://www.bakerbooks.com 01 Harley/Surviving MLS/dm 12/23/03 11:13 AM Page 5 To Joyce and Phil 01 Harley/Surviving MLS/dm 12/23/03 11:13 AM Page 6 01 Harley/Surviving MLS/dm 12/23/03 11:13 AM Page 7 C ONTENTS 1. You Can Survive This Affair 9 2. It Could Never Happen to Me! 12 3. How Do Affairs Begin? 27 4. How Do Affairs Usually End? 37 5. How Should Affairs End? 51 6. Preparing for Marital Recovery 67 7. Marital Recovery Guided by The Rule of Protection 89 8. Marital Recovery Guided by The Rule of Care 109 9. Marital Recovery Guided by The Rule of Time 125 10. Marital Recovery Guided by The Rule of Honesty 138 11. Managing Resentment and Restoring Trust: Completing Marital Recovery Part 1 153 12. Renewing Marital Commitment: Completing Marital Recovery Part 2 162 Appendices A The Most Important Emotional Needs 173 B Emotional Needs Questionnaire 181 C Personal History Questionnaire 193 D Marital Recovery Agreement 211 About the Authors 217 Books by Dr. Harley 218 7 01 Harley/Surviving MLS/dm 12/23/03 11:13 AM Page 8 01 Harley/Surviving MLS/dm 12/23/03 11:13 AM Page 9 1 Y C S T A OU AN URVIVE HIS FFAIR I f you are a victim of infidelity, you have been on the emotional roller coaster ride of your life. Most couples caught up in the tragedy of an affair tell us that they have never felt such intense emotions. They are overwhelmed by anger, depression, fear, guilt, loneliness, and shame. A betrayed spouse will ask, How could my spouse do this to me— cheating on me, lying to me over and over again? I can never trust my spouse again. I have so much anger and resentment it scares me. My feelings go way beyond hurt—I can’t even put into words the pain I am feeling. A wayward spouse often says,I used to beg my spouse for more attention but I never beg anymore—my lover gives me all the atten- tion I need. But I don’t know if the attention I’m getting is worth the price. One moment I’m sure I’ve done the right thing. Then I look into the faces of my children and I’m not sure anymore. I don’t want to give up my family but if I give up my lover, I’ll be losing the best thing that ever happened to me. What should I do? I’m an emotional wreck! When a couple feel such strong emotions, many question if mar- ital reconciliation is possible. How can we ever recover from such pain? And even if we recover, can we live with the memory of betrayal? Can we ever trust each other again? Can we ever love each other again? 9 01 Harley/Surviving MLS/dm 12/23/03 11:13 AM Page 10 SURVIVINGANAFFAIR As marriage counselors we have been asked these questions thousands of times and have been able to respond with a definite yes. Let us assure you that if you put into practice what we recom- mend in this book, the prognosis for the future of your marriage is very good. In the pages that follow, we use “I” to refer to either of us as we describe our experiences and counsel. It’s Hard to Believe That Marital Recovery Is Possible after an Affair When I first counseled spouses that were trapped in an affair, I thought I would be preparing them for divorce. But to my surprise, again and again I saw opportunities to save marriages. Infidelity did not necessarily cause either the betrayed spouse or the wayward spouse to want a divorce. Often what they both wanted was to escape the pain of their mistake and create a thriving marriage. The path that leads to recovery is very narrow, and unless couples find that path, the tragedy of an affair can permanently cripple a marriage and often leads to the further tragedy of divorce. So that became my mission—to help couples recover from the disaster of an affair and create a fulfilling marriage that would pre- vent any future affairs. Since I began helping these tormented cou- ples, I’ve witnessed the recovery of thousands of marriages. But the path that leads to recovery is very narrow, and unless couples find that path, the tragedy of an affair can permanently cripple a mar- riage and often leads to the further tragedy of divorce. If you are a wayward spouse or a betrayed spouse, you may be undecided as to what to do next. One moment you want to divorce your spouse, and the next you want to try to reconcile. That’s the way most people in your situation feel because there are advantages and disadvantages to both choices. Divorce carries with it the destruction of a family and the loss of a spouse you may still love, and yet reconciliation means you will be living with the scars of 10