Copyright © 2001 Comedy Concepts, Inc. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever with out the written permission of the Publisher. Printed in the United States of America. For information address: Hyperion, 77 th W. 66 Street, New York, New York 10023-6298 LIBRARY OF CONGRESS CATALOGING-IN-PUBLICATION DATA Carlin, George. Napalm &silly putty /George Carlin. p. cm. ISBN 0-7868-7155-5 1. American wit and humor .I. Title: Nap- palm and silly putty .II. Title. PN6162.C276 2001 818'.5402—dc21 00-054055 Contents ACKNOWLEDGMENTS INTRODUCTION CARS AND DRIVING: PART ONE EAT A BOX OF COOKIES SHORT TAKES AIRLINE ANOUNCEMENTS: PART ONE AIRLINE ANOUNCEMENTS: PART TWO A BEDROCK-SOLID ALIBI RICE KRISPIES THE MORNING NEWS FIVE UNEASY MOMENTS THE BOVINE FECES TRILOGY SHORT TAKES YOUR CHILDREN ARE OVERRATED CARS AND DRIVING: PART TWO HEIGH-HO, HEIGH-HO, IT'S OFF TO WORK WE GO SHORT TAKES AIRPORT SECURITY FEAR OF GERMS BUT FIRST, THIS FUCKIN' MESSAGE SHORT TAKES INTERVIEW WITH JESUS I WISH I HAD MY MONEY BACK PUNK BANDS I HAVE KNOWN A CAT IS NOT A DOG DOGS MOMENTS #1 SHORT TAKES DOGS MOMENTS #2 SOME LIKE IT HOT MAYBE THEY'LL ADOPT THE MISCELLANEOUS AILMENTS FOUNDATION GOT ANY MORE LEAVES IN THAT STALL? DEATH ROW CURRENT EVENTS THE UNKINDEST CUT SMILE THE NOONTIME NEWS THE PLANET IS FINE, THE PEOPLE ARE FUCKED SHORT TAKES BRAVE NEW WORLD OF SCIENCE IT'S NOT A SPORT GOLF COURSES FOR THE HOMELESS THE GOOD BREAD SHORT TAKES DYING TO STAY ALIVE TICKET TO NOWHERE DEATH: THE SHOW FUNERALS JUST FOR FUN SHORT TAKES ADVENTURES IN THE SUPERMARKET WELL, AT LEAST THE PLATE WAS BLUE FUSSY EATER RUNNING HOT AND COLD ICEBOX MAN DOG MOMENTS #3 SHORT TAKES DOG MOMENTS #4 NOT EXACTLY MARTHA STEWART HAVE A NICE DAY HELLO-GOODBYE LOVE AND REGARDS EXPRESSIONS I QUESTION SHORT TAKES HOW SOON IS INTERMISSION? HAVE A GOO TIME SHORT TAKES PEOPLE I CAN DO WITHOUT CANCER IS GOOD FOR YOU THE HUMOROUS SIDE OF RAPE THE EVENING NEWS DANCE CALLED BECAUSE OF RAIN THINGS THAT ARE PISSING ME OFF FAMILIES WORTH LOATHING WHERE WAS I STANDING LAST TIME WE DID THIS? LIFE'S LITTLE MOMENTS SHORT TAKES ORGAN DONOR PROGRAMS ON THE BEACH: THE MOVIE "I COULDN'T COMMIT SUICIDE IF MY LIFE DEPENDED ON IT" EUPHEMISTIC BULLSHIT BEER AND POT HIGH ON THE PLANE SHORT TAKES SPORT SHOULD BE FIXED: FIRST HALF CAPITAL PUNISHMENT FARM SYSTEM: THUGS, PERVS, NUTS, AND DRINKS I'LL BE RIGHT BACK NOT EVERY EJACULATION DESERVES A NAME I'VE GOT YOUR SANCTITY OF LIFE READY OR NOT, HERE WE COME! NEVER HEARD OF HIM! SHORT TAKES SPORT SHOULD BE FIXED: SECOND HALF DON'T BLAME THE LEADERS ROCKETS AND PENISES IN THE PERSIAN GULF OLD AND STINGY SHORT TAKES AT LEAST EAT A FUCKIN' LIMA BEAN, WILL YA? FACE-TO-FACE WITH THE CLOCK GOD HAS GOTTA GO BULLETS FOR BELIEVERS THE LATE-NIGHT NEWS I NEVER FUCKED A 10 SHORT TAKES SPORTS SHOULD BE FIXED: OVERTIME SEVEN DEATH WISHES MONOPOLY Napalm & Silly Putty