PRAISE FOR SECRET KEEPING “A timely book! John Howard Prin takes the reader on a won- derfully exciting journey of self-exploration and the develop- ment of personal insight. He provides practical methods to free ourselves of our ‘hidden secrets’ so that ultimately we can be at peace with who we are even when no one else is around.” — Patrick DeChello, PhD, author of Understanding Self-Injury “John Howard Prin’s Secret Keeping is the first book I’ve read that explores the origins and essence of secrets — how they help us and when they hurt us. Using examples from his own life and the lives of others — from public figures to the guy next door — Prin skillfully weaves a new quilt of understanding of the Jekyll and Hyde in each of us. He also provides new and necessary hope with a series of practical exercises we can use to transform ourselves and our world.” — Terrence Daryl Shulman, JD, MSW, CAC, author of Something for Nothing “Recovery means escaping from the labyrinth of one’s own lies. John Prin’s book on keeping secrets lays bare the essential con- nection between image management and a ‘secret life.’ A useful, well-written book by someone who has been there.” — Patrick J. Carnes, PhD, author of Out of the Shadows SECRET KEEPING S E C R E T KEEPING Overcoming Hidden Habits and Addictions JOHN HOWARD PRIN NEWWORLDLIBRARY NOVATO, CALIFORNIA New World Library 14Pamaron Way Novato, California 94949 Copyright © 2006by John Howard Prin All rights reserved. This book may not be reproduced in whole or in part, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means — electronic, mechani- cal, or other — without written permission from the publisher, except by a reviewer, who may quote brief passages in a review. The material in this book is intended for education. It is not meant to take the place of diagnosis and treatment by a qualified medical practitioner or therapist. No express or implied guarantee about the effects of using the recommendations can be given, nor liability taken. Case histories of individuals may be composites of two or more actual people, and names have been changed to respect the privacy of those persons. Secret Keepers®and Secret Keeping® are registered trademarks of John Howard Prin. The Four Squares of Life™is a trademark of John Howard Prin. Brain diagram on page 12by Robert Rath (www.robertrath.net) courtesy of Deidre Combs. Text design and typography by Tona Pearce Myers Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Prin, John Howard. Secret keeping : overcoming hidden habits and addictions / by John Howard Prin. p. cm. Includes bibliographical references and index. ISBN-13: 978-1-57731-534-6(pbk. : alk. paper) 1. Secrecy—Psychological aspects. 2. Self-defeating behavior. 3. Compulsive behavior. I. Title. RC455.4.S43P75 2006 616.85'84—dc2 2006012255 First printing, September 2006 ISBN-10: 1-57731-534-0 ISBN-13: 978-1-57731-534-6 Printed in Canada on acid-free, partially recycled paper Distributed by Publishers Group West New World Library is a proud member of the Green Press Initiative. 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 To Susie, whose loving patience and support have never been a secret CONTENTS Introduction xi PART 1. THE SELF DIVIDED: Problems and Consequences CHAPTER 1. Who Are the Secret Keepers? 3 CHAPTER 2. What Are Unhealthy Secrets? 19 CHAPTER 3. How Secret Lives Seduce Us 35 CHAPTER 4. Where Our Secrets Stay Hidden 53 CHAPTER 5. Who Are You When Nobody Is Looking? 71 CHAPTER 6. Maximizing Pleasure, Minimizing Pain 87 CHAPTER 7.The Quest for Authenticity 103 CHAPTER 8. When Secret Keeping Goes Too Far 117 PART 2. THE JOURNEY TOWARD WHOLENESS: Solutions and Rewards CHAPTER 9. Seeking the Help You Need 129 CHAPTER10. Finding Your Motivation 149 CHAPTER11. Preparing to Live Authentically 167 CHAPTER12. Committing to Coming Clean 187 CHAPTER13. Seeing the World through New Eyes 201 CHAPTER14. Authenticity in a Messy World 219 CHAPTER15. Transformation from Deep Within 237 CHAPTER16. Your Recovery from Today On 257 Acknowledgments 277 Notes 281 Recommended Reading 287 Index 293 About the Author 303