SARDARJI JOKES edited by Anil , the Great You should be sure the person is Sardar when he: • puts lipstick on the forehead because he wants to make up his mind. • gets stabbed in a shoot-out. • sends a fax with a postage stamp on it. • tries to drown a fish in water. • thinks socialism means partying. • trips over a cordless phone. • takes a ruler to bed to see how long he slept. • At the bottom of the application where it says "Sign Here" he puts "Sagittarius.". • studies for a blood test and fails. • sells the car for gas money. • misses the 44 bus, and takes the 22 twice instead. • drives to the airport and sees a sign that said, "Airport left", he turns around and goes home. • gets locked in Furniture Shop and sleeps on the floor. * * * * Q: "Have you ever read Shakespeare?" Sardar: "No, who wrote it?" * * * * * Sardar ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces. "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces." * * * * * Why did 18 sardarjis go to a movie? Because below 18 was not allowed. * * * * * * How do you measure a Sardar's intelligence? Page 1 of 37 Stick a tire pressure gauge in his ear * * * * * * What do you do when a Sardar throws a pin at you? Run like Hell....he's got a hand grenade in his mouth. * * * * * * How do you make a Sardar laugh on Saturday? Tell him a joke on Wednesday. * * * * * * What is the Sardar doing when he holds his hands tightly over his ears? Trying to hold on to a thought. * * * * * * Why do Sardars work seven days a week? So you don't have to re-train them on Monday. * * * * * * Why can't Sardars make ice cubes? They always forget the recipe. * * * * * * How did the Sardar try to kill the bird? He threw it off a cliff. * * * * * * What do you call 10 Sardars standing ear to ear? A wind tunnel. Page 2 of 37 * * * * * * What do you see when you look into a Sardar's eyes? The back of his head. * * * * * * What do you do when a Sardar throws a hand grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back. * * * * * * What do you call a sardar who drinks only beer? Just-beer Singh ('T' silent!). * * * * * * What do you call a sardar who has only one drink? Just-one Singh. * * * * * * Why does Sardar always smile during lightning storms? They think their picture is being taken. * * * * * * Why does Sardar have "TGIF" written on their shoes? Toes Go In First. * * * * * * How can you tell when Sardar sends you a fax? It has a stamp on it. Page 3 of 37 * * * * * * Why can't Sardar dial 911? They can not find the eleven on the phone * * * * * * How do you get Sardar on the roof? Tell him the drinks are on the house. * * * * * * "Oh, look at the dead bird." Sardar looked skyward and said "Where, Where? * * * * * * What do smart Sardar and UFOs have in common? You always hear about them but you never see them. * * * * * * Why does it take longer to build a Sardar snowman as opposed to a regular one? You have to hollow out the head. TO LOOSE WEIGHT... The doctor told Sardarji that if he ran eight kilometers a day for 300 days, he would loose 34 kilos. At the end of 300 days, Sardarji called the doctor to report he had lost the weight, but he had a problem. "What's the problem?" asked the doctor. "I'm 2400 kms from home." Page 4 of 37 HEAVEN A Sardar died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly gate Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on earth. In order to gain admittance a prospective heavenly soul must answer two questions: 1. Name two days of the week that begin with "T". 2. How many seconds are there in a year? The Sardar thought for a few minutes and answered... 1. The two days of the week that begin with "T" are Today and Tomorrow. 2. There are 12 seconds in a year. Saint Peter said, "OK, I'll buy the Today and Tomorrow, even though it's not the answer I expected, so your answer is correct. But how did you get only 12 seconds in a year?" The Sardar replied, "Well, January 2nd, February 2nd,March 2nd, etc...." Saint Peter lets him in without another word . ANOTHER COUNT! Our Sardar is walking down the street and sees a man jumping up and down on a manhole cover yelling "86, 86, 86". He asks the man, "Excuse me, but why are you jumping up and down on this manhole cover and yelling '86, 86, 86'?" The man says, "Well, I can't tell you that, but if you really want to know, I can let you go under there and find out. He thinks for a moment, then his curiosity gets the better of him, and he says, "Okay." The man lifts the manhole cover, He steps into the manhole, and the man puts the manhole cover back and starts jumping up and down on it yelling "87, 87, 87"... EMPLOYMENT? Our sardarji was filling up an application form for a job. He promptly filled the columns titled NAME,AGE,ADDRESS etc. Then he came to the column Salary Expected : He was not sure as to what to be filled there. After much thought he wrote : Yes AT INDO-PAK WAR Once in the Indo Pakistan war, Pakistan was fighting fiercely and capturing Page 5 of 37 everything in sight. A sikh camp called Gurudwara hideout was crucial to defend from the pakistanis as it contained all the defence secrets. The pakistani forces surrounded the base and the sikhs had thought that they had lost the battle but, suddenly out of the bushes jumps Captain. Hari Singh wearing a Maachar dani!(mosquito net) He Pulls out his AK-47 rifle and fires like mad. The pakistanis run off quickly. The next day Hari Singh gets a medal. His friends ask him "Yaar thu maachar daani kyon pehenke gaya tha?" Hari Singh replies "Maachar daani itni patli hote hain ki agar maachar nahin ghus sakte, goli kahan se ghussenghi? In the following war Hari Singh retires and his son Gani Singh No Assumptions Please!) joins the army. Pakistanis are again surrounding the Gurudwara hideout, the sikhs again think they've lost the war but out of the bushes erupts Gani Singh wearning nothing he tries do shoo away the pakistanis like his father did but instead gets shot. In the hospital his friends tell him "aare yaar, therre bap me tho itni akal thi ki vo maachar daani pehin ke gaya tha, aur tu nunga chale gaya". Gani Singh replies "aare yaar main tho odomos lage ke gaya tha"! HEIGHTS OF REVENGE Talking about those days when there were no mosquito repellents and we had to spend sleepless nights. Sardarji was also experiencing the same every time he tries to sleep, one mosquito comes and disturbs his sleep with a sound "guooonn, guooonn.". He gets very irritated. He tries to cover his ear but the problem remains persistent. Ultimately he gets up and catches the mosquito in his hand. He is very kind and not for the blood shed but still wanted to take revenge. Happy as he is now starts singing a lullaby and says "so ja machchar, bete so ja". After some time he finds the mosquito falling in to deep sleep in his hands. So he goes near it and says "Guoooonnnnn, guoooonnnnn." DOUBLE DECKER BUS RIDE Santa Singh and Banta Singh landed up in Bombay. They managed to get into a double- decker bus. Santa Singh somehow managed to get a bottom seat, But unfortunate Banta got pushed to the top. After a while when the rush is over, Santa went upstairs to see friend Bannta Singh. He met Banta in a bad condition clutching the seats in front with both hands, scared to death. He says, "Are Banta Singh! What the heck's going' on? Why are you scared ? I was enjoying my ride down there ?" Scared Banta replies. "Yeah, but you've got a *driver.* " Page 6 of 37 CHANDIGARH OR JALANDHAR Sardar was going to Chandigarh from pune by a air-india plane. He was alloted the middle seat of one of the 3-seats array. But as soon as the sardarji got into the plane, he sat on the window side seat which was actually for an old lady. After some time the old lady came and requested the sardarji to leave the side seat. But the sardaji told: "I want to see the view from the window and shall not leave". The old lady then complained to the air hostess. The air hostess came and requested the sardarji to leave that seat. But sardarji was adament and did not leave. Then the air hostess went and told the asst capt. He also came and requested, but in vain. Finally the Captain came. He whispered something in the ears of the sardarji, and the sardarji immedietly left the side seat and returned to the middle seat. Astonished, the airhostess and the asst. capt. asked the capt. what he told to the sardarji. Capt. replied: "nothing. I just told him that only the middle seats will go to Chandigarh. All others will go to Jalandhar." KHALISTAN JOKES Khalistan National Drink : Sarbat Khalsa. Khalistan National Bird : Tandoori Chicken. International Airline : Kitthe Pacific. National Airline : Itthe Pacific. National Anthem : Sten-a gun-a man-a .......... National Taxi Service : Kar Seva. National song : Bande marte hum. Female terrorist : Hard Kaur. National dish : AKALI-DAAL. Sikh scuba diver : JULL-UNDER SINGH. Better adapted sikh diver : JULLUNDER SINGH GILL. COLOR TV Sardarji is buying a TV. "Do you have color TVs?" "Sure." "Give me a green one, please." Page 7 of 37 CROCODILE BOOTS Sardarji proposes to a woman. She says yes if you bring me a pair of crocodile boots. He sets off to Africa and disappears. Finally a search is being made, they find him hunting crocodiles and watch him killing a huge one . He walks over the reptile, checks its legs and angrily exclaims "71st and *again* barefeet!" LONG FLIGHT Sardarji calls Air India. "How long does it take to fly to Amritsar?" "Just a sec," comes an answer. "Thank you." says the Sardarji and hangs up! TRAIN TO LUDHIANA Sardars Hari Singh and Gani Singh are in a railway station. Hari Singh asks the clerk: "Can I take this train to Ludhiana?". "No," answers the Railway man. "Can I?" asks Gani Singh. THE 4 SARDARJIS There were 4 sardars in Mumbai. They decided to start a business.They had a lot of discussions on the type of business and finally decided to start a hotel. They selected the best of locations and cooks and built the hotel. The hotel was inaugrated and was awaiting its first customer. The sardars waited and waited but nobody turned up. The story was the same the next day. A week passed but noboby turned up. WHY ? - Bcos there was a sign at the entrance "Visitors not allowed." After the failure of their hotel they decided to start an auto garage. They bought the best of car servicing equipments and soon started the garage. The 4 sardars waited that day for the first car to arrive but no car entered their garage. They waited for one day, 2 days ,a week but no car came to their garage. WHY ? B'cos their garage was on the first floor. Page 8 of 37 After this failure they decided to fall back on the good old taxi driving. They bought a new Premier Padmini running on CNG and began to look for passengers. They drew past Churchgate but nobody hailed their taxi. They went to Nariman point yet nobody hailed their taxi. They drove to Chatrapati Shivaji Terminus, even there nobody hailed their taxi. In desperation they kept on driving all around Mumbai but alas no one hailed their taxi. WHY ? B'cos all the four sardars were sitting in the taxi. All the 4 sardars were very disgusted with their naseeb and decided to push their taxi into the sea at Marine Lines. They started pushing their taxi. They pushed the whole day and were very exhausted but the taxi did not move even an inch. They decided to rest for the night and start the next day. The next day the story repeated itself. The taxi just wouldnt move. They pushed for a whole week but the taxi wouldnt budge. WHY ? B'cos two sardarjis were pushing from front and two from behind. SANTA SING AND STUDENTS Sardar Santa Singhji is the english teacher in a school. He is very well renowned for all his students do very well in exams. The school is having an inspection and the inspector decided to visit the english class. This is what transpires : Santa Singh : " Bolo bachon GADHA " Students (in chorous) : "GADHA " Santa Singh : " Bolo bachon GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE GADHA " Students (in chorous) : "GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE GADHA " Santa Singh : " Bolo bachon GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE GADHA, GADHE KE PECHE MAI" Students (in chorous) : "GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE MAI" Santa Singh : " Bolo bachon GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE GADHA, GADHE KE PECHE MAI AUR MERE PECHE SAARA DESH " Students (in chorous) : "GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE MAI AUR MERE PECHE SAARA DESH" By this time the inspector is furious . He confronts the principal and shouts at him "What is this Santa Singh teaching to students. He is supposed to be taking an Page 9 of 37 english class and what he is saying is GADHA ,GADHE KE PECHE GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE MAI AUR MERE PECHE SAARA DESH. The principle too is shocked , Santa Singh the famous english teacher doing this. He immediately sends for Santa Singh. Principal : " Santa singhji what nonsense are you telling these students, GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE GADHA, GADHE KE PECHE MAI AUR MERE PECHE SAARA DESH". Santa Singh : "Yes i was telling all this in class, but i was only teaching the students the spellings of assassination.:- Ass-Ass-I-Nation SOME SECRETS OF PAKISTAN ARMY How do you stop a Pakistani tank ? Shoot the men who are pushing it. How do you disable a Pakistani tank? Hide the wind-up key. How do you disable Pakistani missiles? Cut the rubber band. Pakistani Air Force officials have recently motioned for a name change for the PAF. They want to call it the PMC, the Pakistani Mining Corps. This is because their planes end up in the ground anyway. Pakistani military researchers have recently ordered for the enlargement of the hatches on tanks and other armoured vehicles. This is so they can be more easily abandoned in enemy territory. Have you ever seen Pakistani war heroes? Neither has Pakistan. Did you hear about the latest Pakistani invention? It's a solar powered flashlight. Did you hear about the other latest Pakistani invention? The new automatic parachutes. They open on impact. How do you sink a Pakistani battleship? Page 10 of 37