CAUGHT IN THE ACT BIGGER THAN BIGELOW OSCAR PICKS The year in arts photography P18 ‘Zero Dark Thirty’ courts controversy P21 Cheryl Eddy names her faves P17 CELEBRATING 46 YEARS THE SAN FRANCISCO BAY GUARDIAN | SFBG.COM JJAANNUUAARRYY 22 -- 88,, 22001133 || VVOOLL.. 4477,, NNOO.. 1144 || FFRREEEE W HITE GUARDIAN ILLUSTRATION ME BY DANNY HELLMAN N BBEEHHAAVVIINNGG BBAADDLLYY Presenting our annual Off-Guard Awards for the worst moments of 2012. By Tim Redmond PAGE 9 www.sfbg.com/mission-guide (cid:52)(cid:80)(cid:86)(cid:85)(cid:73)(cid:1)(cid:45)(cid:66)(cid:76)(cid:70)(cid:1)(cid:53)(cid:66)(cid:73)(cid:80)(cid:70)(cid:1)(cid:55)(cid:66)(cid:68)(cid:66)(cid:85)(cid:74)(cid:80)(cid:79)(cid:1)(cid:41)(cid:80)(cid:78)(cid:70)(cid:84) In association with the Mission Merchants: Brava Theater Center presents: The Latin Jazz Youth Ensemble Wifi This old school theater in the Mission District is still going strong since Brava! For Women in the Arts purchased the shuttered York Theater in 1996. Since then they Hot tub have consistently showcased vibrant playwrights and musicians with an eye to the feminist, the culturally diverse, and the provocative. Returning to the Brava near Heavenly Theater is The Latin Jazz Youth Ensemble for an alumni concert and fundraiser. “Far from a kiddie show,” these talented musicians have just released a CD of nine original tunes that feature legendary percussionist Armando Peraza and other Latin jazz luminaries. Don’t miss this exciting concert that supports the Latin www.tahoehouse.net • 415-505-2525 Jazz Youth Ensemble of San Francisco. The proceeds benefi t the scholarship program and helps keep it free-of-charge to all students. 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By any standard, 2012 was a bad year for US immi- On Dec. 21, ICE issued new guidelines for the grants. Not only was immigration reform largely program, prioritizing people convicted of felonies missing from the presidential campaigns, but or multiple misdemeanors — but that, advocates the Obama administration deported a record say, is just a sign that the program is a failure. GUARDIAN number of people, surpassing even Immigration “The program has actually jeopardized public and Customs Enforcement projections. ICE safety by undermining community policing pro- kicked 409,849 people out of the grams that rely on cooperation between local law INTELLIGENCE country, largely because of the enforcement and the communities they serve,” Secure Communities program, said Assemblymember Tom Ammiano, who just or S-Comm, which directs introduced a new version of his TRUST Act. The What you local police to hold for ICE bill, AB 4, would prevent ICE holds on people who action anyone arrested are arrested, but not convicted of a crime. “We have need to know (for anything) who learned is that we cannot rely on ICE to run the pro- WALK. OR DON’T the cops think might be gram as they have promised,” Ammiano said. “We WALK. THE BUTTON in the country illegally. must implement the TRUST Act to reign in the abuses In California, 80,000 that have taken place.” DOESN’T CARE. people have been Gov. Jerry Brown vetoed an earlier MOURNING ALL version of the bill. The New York Daily News had an THE CHILDREN interesting story in November GUARDIAN PHOTO BY MIKE KOOZMIN/ about the city’s pedestrian traf- The horrifying shootings in SF NEWSPAPER CO. fic buttons — you know, the little Newtown, Connecticut have gun TOM AMMIANO things you push when you want to advocates and the politicians who walk across the street. Turns out serve them up against the wall. most of them don’t do anything at But when the TV cameras move MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM MICROSOFT all. Which makes sense these days on, and Newtown drops out of the — urban traffic is carefully con- headlines, there will still be a grisly trolled with timed street signals, Christmas morning was a happy moment for a fifth grader we know, until carnage in this country — and it and the odds that New York is going she set up her brand new laptop with Windows 8 — and discovered that it will get far less press coverage. to let the average ped mess it up won’t let her use Skype to call her grandparents. Every year, many, many more by pushing a button are, as they See, Windows 8 pretty much forces you to set up a Microsoft account, children die of gunshot wounds say, slim and none. But it made us and you can’t take full advantage of the operating system gimmicks unless than any single serial killer has ever wonder: Can a pedestrian in San you do. To create an account you have to give Microsoft your name, home murdered. In 2011, for example, Francisco actually stop traffic by address, email address — and age. And if you’re honest and you give an 565 people younger than 18 were pushing a button on the sidewalk? age lower than 12, you’re SOL. killed by guns, and 119 of them Well, in some cases (near That’s because you can’t use Skype with Windows 8 without going were under 12. Another 129 died Golden Gate Park, on Van Ness through your Microsoft account — and you can’t have a Microsoft account in gun accidents, and 749 com- and Market) the answer is yes, that allows you to use Skype unless you’re at least 12. (You can, of course, mitted suicide with a gun. That’s Paul Rose, spokesperson for the access all sorts of nasty stuff on the web; just not Skype. And there are, of according to FBI and Centers for Municipal Transportation Agency, course, parental controls that block, say, porn sites — but not that allow Disease Control statistics. told us. And many other signals Skype.) The US leads the developed have audible beeps to give the Oh, and since the Win8 setup wants you to use your Microsoft account world in gun-related deaths, but its visually impaired information — and thus your email — as your primary computer login, if that email role extends further. As Tiny, the about when it’s safe to cross. But should get hacked and your password changed, guess what? You’re locked poverty scholar and editor of POOR the ones on Market downtown? out of your computer. magazine, points out at sfbg. Our personal experience suggests A Microsoft spokesperson told us that it’s all about children’s safety: com/politics: “What about crying that you can push all day long, and “As we continue to incorporate Skype into the Microsoft experience, we for babies killed by drive-by shoot- the lights still follow their regular will continue to look at ways to improve Skype and allow children to use ers, youth killed by police, and pattern. Skype with parental consent.” hundreds of teenage workers from Actually, this is a nasty corporate trick: Microsoft owns Skype and China who react to mercury poison wants to get all of its customers to turn over as much personal data as pos- and throw themselves out the ALERTS sible. Sophisticated users can get around this, of course. But by linking window while US tech companies that data mining to the setup of its new operating system, MSFT will catch make billions in profit? Why aren’t the vast majority of us. At our own peril. Evil, Mr. Gates. Evil. SATURDAY/5 thousands of people shedding tears and sorrow and THE BEAUTY OF COMPOST sympathy for the 7th Avenue and Lawton. 10Am. Sure, children in Gaza who you can toss it in the green bin — but Garden for the Environment will also die everyday?” show you how to turn your leftovers, Sobering either from the garden or the kitchen, thought for the new into fertile new soil for your garden. Rot on! (415) 731-5627 gardenfortheenvi- year. BEYOND THE BLOCKBUSTERS ronment.org TUESDAY/8 So you’ve seen Django Unchained (twice) and you really hate musi- cals. What to do to scratch your movie-going itch during January’s MEET THE NEW BOSS dearth of new releases? The Castro Theatre (castrotheater.com) just City Hall Room 250, 2pm. It’s time for all the drama to come to an end: At released its January calendar, and there are some exciting dates in the first meeting of 2013, the Board the making: 2008 Will Ferrell-John C. Reilly classic Step Brothers of Supervisors will elect a new presi- (part of a “Midnites for Maniacs” triple-feature Jan. 11); the always- dent, who will set the tone for how the next two years are going to look for juicy Noir City fest, which even has some 3D selections this year progressives. It’s always a day of politi- (starts Jan. 25; more info at noircity.com); and a Jan. 18 screen- cal scrambling as four or maybe more ing of the original Django (1966), which doesn’t really resemble candidates seek to get to the magical six votes that will allow them to appoint Quentin Tarantino’s latest, though it does share the silent “D” — and committee chairs and (to a certain catchy theme music. extent) control the Legislative agenda. 4 SAN FRANCISCO BAY GUARDIAN EDITORIALS NEWS FOOD + DRINK PICKS ARTS + CULTURE MUSIC LISTINGS STAGE LISTINGS ON THE CHEAP FILM LISTINGS CLASSIFIEDS A New Years THESANFRANCISCOBAYGUARDIAN | SFBG.COM Resolution you’ll want An independent, locally owned to keep... and edited newspaper “IT IS A NEWSPAPER’S DUTY TO PRINT THE NEWS AND RAISE HELL.” Wilbur Storey, statement of the aims of the Chicago Times, 1861 TRAINING AT CIRCUS CENTER Why use a gym when you can join a circus? sells more bikes than any Circus Center FOUNDERS AND CO-PUBLISHERS, 1966-2012 (cid:35)(cid:51)(cid:54)(cid:36)(cid:38)(cid:1)(cid:35)(cid:15)(cid:1)(cid:35)(cid:51)(cid:54)(cid:40)(cid:46)(cid:34)(cid:47)(cid:47)(cid:1)(cid:34)(cid:47)(cid:37)(cid:1)(cid:43)(cid:38)(cid:34)(cid:47)(cid:1)(cid:37)(cid:42)(cid:35)(cid:35)(cid:45)(cid:38) 755 Frederick St. EDITOR AND PUBLISHER(cid:1)(cid:53)(cid:42)(cid:46)(cid:1)(cid:51)(cid:38)(cid:37)(cid:46)(cid:48)(cid:47)(cid:37) other S.F. 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NO PERSON MAY, WITHOUT PERMISSION OF THE GUARD- valenciacyclery.com IAN, TAKE MORE THAN ONE COPY OF EACH GUARDIAN WEEKLY ISSUE. editorialS newS Food + drink pickS artS + culture muSic liStinGS StaGe liStinGS on the cheap Film liStinGS claSSiFiedS January 2 - 8, 2013 / SFBG.com  editorials in this issue mORe news P8 SChOOl food and drink P13 picks P15 SeCURItY? arts and culture P17 Music listings 24 / stage listings 27 mAYBe NOt on the cheap 27 / filM listings 28 By scott laughlin this week at OpINION I pretty much live in schools. Almost every morning, sfBg.coM I get my three-year-old ready for pre-school, my seven-year-old ready for first grade, and myself ready for high school, where I pSYChIC DReAm AStROlOGY, COmplete teach English. Almost everyday, eveNtS, AleRtS, ARt, AND mUSIC lISt- I’m in at least three schools. But INGS, hOt lISt, COmmeNtS, AND SO never before had I thought so mUCh mORe! FOllOw US ON twItteR: thoroughly about school security www.twItteR.COm/SFBG until Monday, Dec. 17, when I ON the BlOGS drove my daughters, and then myself, to school for the first time after the shootings in Newtown. My first stop is my daughter’s public elementary school in San politics Francisco. Because I often have the race for Board of supes president an 8am class and am pressed for keeps getting juicier time, I almost never walk her into school. I pull up along a curb, Downtown’s towers and trains: where fifth graders clad in fluores- what’s up with the transbay terminal? cent vests open the back door of how many cops does it take the Next BOARD pReSIDeNt my car to escort my daughter out. to issue a fare evasion ticket? From there, she walks alone into the screams of dead children a side door and then out onto an — everywhere. outdoor basketball court, where eDItORIAl The president of the — Sup. Scott Wiener, who is to us that he felt he had no choice. the whole school gathers every Board of Supervisors does more the right of Chiu on many issues, If the progressives had voted for morning. Her teacher then takes noise than bang the gavel at meetings, is also interested, as is Sup. Jane him, he wouldn’t have had to my daughter to her classroom, tell people to put their clothes Kim, who has always been close reward the conservatives. which is, incidentally, closest a song-by-song breakdown of Django back on, and run for higher to Chiu, and Sup. David Campos, This time around, with two to the front door to the school, by emily savage office. It’s a powerful position who is one of the leading pro- new supervisors taking office (a which is always open during the Yet more best of 2013 lists largely because the president gressives. None of the candidates more centrist Norman Yee replac- day. A potential shooter would — you may be on one! makes appointments — to the can count to six right now, so ing Elsbernd and a more moderate have no problem entering, and Planning Commission, the Police somebody’s going to have to back London Breed replacing Christina with enough ammunition and a Commission — and unilaterally down or make a deal. Olague) everything is up in the air. deadly enough gun, he could kill pixel Vision decides who serves on which And before that happens, the The progressives still have a solid at will. Cheryl eddy is never watching board committees. candidates ought to tell us some- three votes, and can sometimes I asked for the first time that a movie again. kidding! Two years ago, Sup. David thing about what they plan to do. count on Jane Kim and Chiu. day: would it be better to close off Check out her picks for the Chiu, who won the top post in Chiu’s 2011 committee That’s not enough to elected a pres- the campus? post-Oscar qualifying season. 2009 with progressive support, appointments were a bit of a ident, but it’s coming pretty close. The next stop is my three-year- trash time? wanted re-election, and the left shocker, although, in retrospect, Based on experience, skills, old daughter’s pre-school. There, I appetite indulges her sweet side, wasn’t siding with him anymore. the horse trading shouldn’t have and temperament, our first choice park my car, get her out, and walk with a list of new candy So he cut a deal with the conser- surprised anyone. In fact, after for board president is Campos, to the front entrance, where an and chocolate delights. vative members, appointing the he made his decisions, and put who would be fair to everyone, administrative assistant buzzes me right wing of the board to plum Carmen Chu, one of the most approachable, and a voice for in upon recognition. Because it’s committee posts — and making conservative supervisors, in open government and community busy in the mornings, I often hold sex sf life harder for progressives who charge of the Budget and Finance participation. But if Campos can’t the door for other parents trying wanted to pass legislation or pre- Committee and put the conserva- get six votes, he and his progres- to get in. Of course, it would be al the sex events you may never need, vent bad developments from hap- tive Scott Wiener and the moder- sive colleagues should ask anyone very easy for a killer to force his but want to need. pening. ate Malia Cohen on Land Use and who wants their support to be way in behind one of us, or he He clearly likes the job and Economic Development, and put open about what he or she plans could simply shoot the glass if he would love to hold it for a third conservative Sean Elsbernd in to do. was determined enough. term. But that won’t be easy charge of two committees, he told CONTINUES ON PAGE  >> CONTINUES ON PAGE  >>  SAN FRANCISCO BAY GUARDIAN eDItORIAlS NewS FOOD + DRINk pICkS ARtS + CUltURe mUSIC lIStINGS StAGe lIStINGS ON the CheAp FIlm lIStINGS ClASSIFIeDS EDITORIALS OFFICER RICK MOORE OF THE OAKLAND SCHOOL DISTRICT POLICE PATROLS OAKLAND TECHNICAL HIGH SCHOOL. AP PHOTO BY NOAH BERGER MORE SCHOOL SECURITY? MAYBE NOT where young people can learn to CONT>> take risks, where they can make mistakes before they go out into Again, the questions arise: the “real” world. On the other should the director have a gun hand, however, schools reflect our in her office? Should we put up neighborhoods, our counties, our metal doors? Should the school cities, our states, our country, and hire a security guard monitoring our world. cameras before letting parents and If we bar our schools off from children into the school? the outside world, the message Finally, I arrive at my high that we’re sending to our children school, which is a rather affluent is that the world is a place to be independent school. I park on the feared, a place where calculus street and walk right in. Often the won’t do you any good — but receptionist doesn’t even notice where a gun will. To “secure” our me. We have a completely open schools is to admit our collec- campus, with many doors into tive failure at making the outside which someone could enter with world safe. It is to admit that one no resistance whatsoever. We of the fundamental values of any have security guards, but they are society, and in particular our unarmed and more concerned American society — trust — has with directing traffic around been broken. the school than with a potential I would hope instead that we intruder. All of our students have work now to change the world off-campus privileges. Should we enough to communicate to our keep students on campus? Should children that the world is, in fact, we bar all the doors? Place an a place that is not just safe but that armed security guard at every they are invited into, a place where entry point into the school? they can thrive and find happiness The answer I’ve come to is no. rather than a place to fear and hide The question of school secu- from. Our responsibility is not to rity gets at the very nature of gate schools off from the world but what schools are. Schools both to take the need for gates down are and are not of the world. altogether. 2 On the one hand, schools are a place that prepares our youth for Scott Laughlin teaches English at the world. They’re also a place University High School. THE NEXT BOARD PRESIDENT pening anyway, those deals being CONT>> cut — and it’s happening behind closed doors, where the public Who will be on the Budget (and the other supervisors) can’t Committee? Rules? Land Use? watch. WWhheerree wwiillll hhee oorr sshhee llooookk LLeett’’ss bbrriinngg aallll ooff tthhee ffoorr ccaannddiiddaatteess ffoorr ccoomm-- ddiissccuussssiioonnss iinnttoo tthhee ssuunn-- mmiissssiioonnss?? WWee kknnooww iitt sshhiinnee,, aanndd hhaavvee aann ooppeenn wwoouulldd llooookk uunnssiigghhttllyy ddeebbaattee aabboouutt tthhee nneexxtt iiff,, ssaayy,, CChhiiuu nnaammeedd bbooaarrdd pprreessiiddeenntt.. 2 iinn aaddvvaannccee hhiiss pprreeffeerr-- eenncceess ffoorr kkeeyy ccoommmmiitt-- tteeeess —— aanndd tthheenn tthhoossee DAVID CAMPOS IS ppeeooppllee vvootteedd ffoorr hhiimm.. OUR FIRST CHOICE BBuutt tthhee rreeaalliittyy FOR BOARD iiss,, tthhoossee ddiiss-- PRESIDENT. cussions GUARDIAN PHOTO are hap- BY KEENEY AND LAW editorialS newS Food + drink pickS artS + culture muSic liStinGS StaGe liStinGS on the cheap Film liStinGS claSSiFiedS January 2 - 8, 2013 / SFBG.com  news “Quite a few faCulty will be looking for jobs out of state” – aft leader alisa Messer $ City College’s numbers — and the number of stu- sH!t do than spending money now [to ing state cuts of $13 million—even dents enrolled dictates state funding. retain teachers] and laying off teach- though the parties bargained in good new divide “[The administration] was focused ers in the future,” Ngo said. faith, reaching agreement on June on these accreditation reports. It’s a big Due to increased focus on diver- 20, 2012 to address these losses.” Despite recent voter approval of job. It was very disruptive to change sity in hiring, CCSF’s more diverse College spokesperson Larry Proposition A, the parcel tax expect- chancellors kind of midstream,” said and younger teachers tend to be the Kamer said he hadn’t seen the ed to bring $14 million annually to John Rizzo, the college’s board presi- newer ones, and part-time faculty, charges yet, as the college is on City College of San Francisco, fac- dent. “We had to switch administra- H@#pened Ngo said. Those are the teachers vacation, but that “we respectfully ulty there are enduring pay cuts and tions, and that’s been very difficult.” most at risk — and the ones that disagree with AFT 2121’s character- layoffs, a reality that has rankled Whatever the reason, City College students will end up losing. ization of the situation.” union leaders and others who have has 3,000 fewer students enrolled 12.26-1.1.2013 Ngo said that the choice is basi- “City College is facing an imme- rallied to save the school. than it expected to have for the cally between drastic change, or the diate budget shortfall due to a second In the face of the school’s accred- spring, potentially putting it $6.5 mil- closure of the school. “My hope is to straight year of missed enrollment itation crisis, which if not addressed lion in the hole this coming year. It with Prop. A. “There’s no discus- provide the best wages and benefits targets,” he said. “In the past, City by March could lead to its closure, has until the end of summer to boost sion here about accountability to in the long run, but we can’t offer College might have papered over the college was a united front to keep those numbers. Now, despite all the San Francisco voters,” Messer told it if it’s a facade. We can’t maintain such a budget gap with money it the school open and pass Prop. A, cards coming up aces in the polls, the us. And with the loss of competitive payrates as they are now because we didn’t have, but those days are over.” which was approved by more than 70 college still needs to save millions of wages, the faculty has already start- have too many faculty...There’s no And there’s the rub. In the midst percent of San Francisco voters. dollars somewhere else in the budget. ed to come apart at the seams. agreement if there’s no college.” of reforming the school to meet the But a combination of timing It has started by slashing faculty “We have unfortunately heard City College’s faculty’s union, requirements of the accreditation (the money won’t roll in until later and administration wages 8.8 percent from quite a few faculty that they American Federation of Teachers 2121, team by March or face closure, the in 2013), the depth of the district’s and not renewing contracts for more will be looking for jobs out of state,” filed an unfair labor practice charge college failed to keep its eye on their fiscal hole, and declining student than 30 part-time teachers, 18 part- Messer said. Dec. 21 with the Public Employee enrollment. enrollment have left CCSF with time counselors, and 30 clerical staff. Steve Ngo, a trustee on the col- Relations Board, a state entity that “The unions were trying to help, essentially status quo funding. Notably, Chancellor Thelma Scott- lege’s board, said he thinks the Prop. has the power to enforce labor law in calling prospective students and District officials appear to be lean- Skillman — whose office negotiated A money should be used to shore California. The charge alleges that the trying a pitch,” Rizzo said. “‘Hey ing toward using most of the avail- the plan, which the board discussed up the school’s reserve fund, as dic- college’s paycuts are unlawful. enroll!’ That kind of thing. They’re able surplus to beef up scant reserve on Dec. 13 — will also take a paycut. tated by the accreditation team that A recent email to union members helping. A lot of people are trying to funds — one of the problems that Alisa Messer, president of the threatens the school with closure. outlines the AFT 2121’s grievances chip in to help this.” triggered the accreditation crisis. faculty union at City College, told Unfortunately, this means losing with the college: “At Monday’s bar- But, he said, “Ultimately it’s the After the good news of Prop. A’s us she thinks cutting teachers, and teachers now rather than later. gaining session, the District finally people in the administration who passage, CCSF discovered it wasn’t on therefore classes, flies in the face “If you want to frame it in terms outlined its claim that it will cut are responsible for the enrollment.” track to meet its required enrollment of what the voters bargained for of labor, there’s nothing worse to wages to recover last year’s ongo- (Joe Fitzgerald) (cid:52)(cid:53)(cid:34)(cid:47)(cid:37)(cid:1)(cid:54)(cid:49)(cid:1)(cid:39)(cid:48)(cid:51)(cid:1)(cid:35)(cid:48)(cid:37)(cid:58)(cid:1)(cid:39)(cid:51)(cid:38)(cid:38)(cid:37)(cid:48)(cid:46)(cid:2)(cid:1) SOMA 415-974-1303Delivery areas:sOMa, MissiOn, POtrerO Hill, DOg PatcH, FiDi, MissiOn Bay, Bernal HeigHts, east OF cHurcH street, nOB Hill, PaciFic HeigHts uP tO BrOaDway, eureka valley WeST POrTAl 415-242-GOAT (4628) Delivery areas: west POrtal, ParksiDe, st Francis wOOD, twin Peaks, Park MerceD, stOnestOwn, sunnysiDe, BalBOa terrace, castrO, POrtOla, uPPer Market, DiaMOnD HeigHts, glen Park, FOrest Hill, sunset, glen Park, Now that the nudity ban has been passed come join us for a cloth- nOrtH inglesiDe, nOe valley till cHurcH street ing optional protest and e-book release party before our Federal Court Hearing. Nudity is still legal at least until February 1st. Free Tuesday, January 8Th @ 12 noon Protest against Nudity Ban: at SF City Hall steps (in case of rain go to Center for Sex and Culture) Tuesday, January 8Th @ 2 PM Delivery!!! “Free Your Body! Free Your Mind!” e-book release party: at the Center for Sex and Culture @ 1349 Mission St betw 9th & 10th Thursday, January 17Th @ 1:30 PM Federal Court Hearing: @ Federal Court House: 450 Golden Gate Ave, SF, court room #5, 17th Floor E-book can be purchased at: http://www.mynakedtruth.tv/page/4/ (All proceeds go to nudist legal defense and body freedom events/actions) PotreroHill SOMA WestPortal 300 Connecticut St 171 Stillman St 170 West Portal Ave www.MynakedTruth.TV Dine-In(cid:85)Pickup Delivery(cid:85)Pickup CounterService(cid:85)Delivery(cid:85)Pick up San Francisco Sourdough Pizza 415-641-1440 415-974-1303 415-242-GOAT(4628) since 1975 CONTACT: Gypsy Taub at [email protected] (510)-318-1750  SAN FRANCISCO BAY GUARDIAN eDItORIAlS NewS FOOD + DRINk pICkS ARtS + CUltURe mUSIC lIStINGS StAGe lIStINGS ON the CheAp FIlm lIStINGS ClASSIFIeDS NEWS HELL OF A YEAR: RICK SANTORUM’S NAUSEA, MITT ROMNEY’S SKETCHY RUN FOR OFFICE, CLINT EASTWOOD’S TALK WITH A CHAIR, NEWT GINGRICH’S PLANS FOR COLONIZING THE MOON, AND DONALD TRUMP’S RIDICULOUS TWEETS TOP OFF 2012. GUARDIAN ILLUSTRATION BY DANNY HELLMAN WHITE MEN BEHAVING (VERY) BADLY BY TIM REDMOND Presenting the 2012 Off-Guard awards “We ask why there is violence in [email protected] our schools, but we have system- for the worst of a dismal year atically removed God from our Could it be — the worst year ever? schools,” Huckabee said on Fox I keep asking. And every time News. “Should we be so surprised the Offies come around, I find that schools would become a place myself boggled yet again. Our of carnage?” awards for the very worst — the · Timothy Bordnow at Tea Party dumbest, the most tasteless, the Nation said the shooting was caused most truly offensive acts of the by too much sexual stimulation in year past — keep sinking lower the media. “There is a reason why and lower. young people commit these sorts But what can we do? There are of crimes, and sex plays no small still Republicans, and this year a part. Their passions are eternally lot of them ran for high office, inflamed, and they wander the and every single one made a fool Earth with no outlet for their over- of himself. There are still politi- stimulated glands.” cians who think you can run for · Megan McArdle, the Daily Beast San Francisco supervisor even if writer, urged the victims of mass you live in Walnut Creek, and shootings to gang-rush the shooter elected leaders who find the cour- so he wouldn’t kill as many people. age deep in themselves to prevent · The head of the National Rifle a bunch of old men from walking Association said the only way to around with their sagging asses stop mass murders of school chil- and limp dicks out. dren is to post armed guards in There are still entertainers every school. | AP PHOTO OF MIKE HUCKA- who punch psychics, and gun BEE BY J. SCOTT APPLEWHITE nuts who blame mass murder on TV sex, and ... well, a whole lot of WOW — THE DISTRICT 8 people who have made this a ban- ner year for the Offies. SUPERVISOR HAS BEEN OVERWHELMED SUPPORT OUR BRAVE, Michigan because the trees were all he was going to do away with three to host the Olympics. BY A the right height. agencies of the federal government, HEROIC TROOPS! (EXCEPT COUPLE but after listing Commerce and FINE, JUST TAKE RICK THE MEN WHO FUCK MEN) OF OLD Education, he couldn’t remem- GIVING NEW PERRY WITH YOU The audience at a Republican presi- ber what the third one was, MEN’S MEANING dential primary debate booed a gay identifying it only as “oops.” More than 50,000 people signed a FLACCID solider who called in from Iraq with TO THE 1 White House petition asking for per- DICKS a question about don’t ask, don’t tell. PERCENT FOR SOMEONE WHOSE mission for Texas to secede. Sup. Scott Herman Cain NAME MEANS ASS-CUM Wiener won FROM A GUY WHO HAD proclaimed that JUICE, THAT’S A REALLY GUNS DON’T KILL approval for a ban on public nudity TO BUY OXYCONTIN AND for every woman who PEOPLE, ATHEISM AND PRETTY PICTURE in San Francisco. | GUARDIAN PHOTO BY claimed he sexually harassed her, VIAGRA ON THE STREET, OVERSTIMULATED GLANDS MIKE KOOZMIN there were a thousand others who Rick Santorum said that he’d listened THIS SORT OF THING DO. HAPPY FRIDAY, didn’t. | AP PHOTO BY PAUL ABELL to John F. Kennedy’s speech on the IS AN OBVIOUS separation of church and state and it SHOOTERS! WHEN YOU’RE A MAJOR CONCERN IF WE WANTED A DRESS made him want to throw up. · On the same day that a gunman LOSER, EVEN MONEY CAN’T Rush Limbaugh CODE ON AIRLINES, opened fire at a showing of the BUY YOU LOVE LOOK! UP AT THE RAMPARTS! Dark Knight movie in Colorado, the attacked law WE’D START WITH Michael Breyer, who has never been student Sandra THE MAN WITH THE HAIR! National Rifle Association’s magazine elected to anything, spent roughly THOSE DREARY PILOT sent out a tweet that read: “Good Fluke, call- $1 million trying to win a state Donald Trump, mistakenly believing ing her a “slut” UNIFORMS morning, shooters! Happy Friday.” Assembly seat as the candidate of Romney won the popular vote but · A Congressman from Texas, and a “prostitute” An American Airlines pilot lost the election, called the election “traditional San Francisco values,” Louie Gohmert, argued that the because she testified kicked a woman off a flight for “a sham and travesty” and called for and lost badly. Dark Knight shootings that health-care plans should wearing a shirt that said “if I wanted “revolution.” happened because of cover contraceptives. | AP PHOTO BY the government in my womb I’d AND THESE PEOPLE ARE “ongoing attacks on JULIE SMITH fuck a senator.” BUT HE COULD HELP THEM Judeo-Christian COOPERATING WITH THERE ARE MEN SO OUT WITH A FEW BINDERS beliefs.” HOMELAND SECURITY? PROBLEM IS, BUSH MADE · Mike BRILLIANT THAT WE STAND THAT ONE A CABINET-LEVEL FULL OF WOMEN Huckabee Confetti thrown in the IN AWE OF THEIR INTELLECT Romney insulted the British by say- blamed the mas- Giants parade turned out to POSITION ing the nation didn’t appear ready sacre in Newtown, be lightly shredded internal Mitt Romney said he really liked Rick Perry proclaimed in a debate that CT on atheism. CONTINUES ON PAGE 10 >> EDITORIALS NEWS FOOD + DRINK PICKS ARTS + CULTURE MUSIC LISTINGS STAGE LISTINGS ON THE CHEAP FILM LISTINGS CLASSIFIEDS JANUARY 2 - 8, 2013 / SFBG.COM 9 News “we will Never have the elite, smart people oN our side” – rick saNtorum cont>> McMahon): “It was really an issue ing his argument them couldn’t figure out what he White House. | ap about a Catholic Church being that sodomy is was actually doing. | getty imag- photo by mark duncan police documents that included forced to issue those pills if legally equivalent eS photo by frederick m. brown home addresses and social security a person came in with an to murder, told aNd wheN numbers of officers. emergency rape.” law students at he also told us asked if 5. Legitimate Princeton that that tax cuts aNd Guess it’s okay to Rape (Todd the Constitution someoNe perjure yourself if Akin): “If it is not a living dereGulatioN would that moroNic was a legiti- document, it’s “dead, improve the ecoNomy, you’re the mayor mate rape, the dead, dead, dead.” | ap could actually so he’s Got a wiNNiNG Mayor Ed Lee testified under female body has photo by m. Spencer green ruN for presideNt, he oath that he’d never dis- ways to try to record here said “i’m a repuBlicaN, cussed the Ross Mirkarimi shut that whole makes you woNder aBout Karl Rove on election night kept maN” case with members of the thing down.” | ap insisting the Romney still had a board of Supervisors, although photo of todd akin by the poor soul who came chance to win. Marco Rubio, when asked about the friends of Sup. Christina Olague Sid haStingS iN at 99 age of the Earth, said “I’m not a sci- entist, man.” said she’d been open about her talks Kim Kardashian talk aBout a BlowN cover with the mayor on the topic. call it BieBer raGe; fell 90 places, to it’s daNGerous shit 98, on AskMen David Petraus resigned as CIA direc- easy — the oNes tor after an affair with a woman Now, which oNes are Magazine’s list of who are GettiNG paid After a Justin who was threatening another the worlds 100 the iroN moNsters of Bieber con- woman who might have had a thing are the oNes preteNdiNG most desirable death? cert, Lindsay women. | getty for him. to Be iNterested iN Lohan A San Francisco bicyclist who imageS photo by Stuart Nasty old freNchmeN punched a was allegedly trying to beat psychic in the wilSon too Bad — he miGht After Dominique Strauss-Kahn a speed record crashed into face at a New have had to was held overnight in Lille to be and killed a 71-year-old man York nightclub, sadly, “Gotta catch seek asylum questioned about possible connec- in the Castro. then threw her ‘em all” doesN’t tions between a prostitution ring iN the New personal assistant out make such a Great and orgies he attended in Paris and repuBlic uNfortuNately, of the car. | getty imageS Washington, his lawyer said: “I campaiGN sloGaN photo by andrew h. walker of texas challenge you to distinguish a naked there’s No malpractice Herman Cain said his life’s prostitute from any other woman.” statute GoverNiNG that A petition to yep, aNd it doesN’t philosophy came from a allow every auGust professioN Pokemon song. look aNy Better American to punch dude — that’s the Political consultant Enrique Pearce the secoNd time Grover Norquist in the territory of oversaw perhaps the worst district we’re Glad that his dick was removed from the White serious election campaign in history, help- Romney’s campaign manager said faith has GiveN him such House website. | ap photo by J. ing Olague become the first incum- that his candidate would change Scott applewhite losers aN upliftiNG attitude bent ever to lose in ranked-choice his right-wing positions for the fall Vice-presidential voting in SF. campaign: “It’s almost like an Etch- Romney said he’s “not concerned we’re with the candidate Paul A-Sketch. You can kind of shake it about the very poor.” Ryan lied about up and we start all over again.” GoverNmeNt of somehow, represeNtiNG his time in the Belize; this maN is walNut creek at city he was proBaBly marathon. | ap photo aNd if he Goes with shitfaced, too, “BoNkers” by mary altaffer hall didN’t seem like them, it will all But siNce he doesN’t One-time software such a Good idea Be worth while mogul John Go ahead, cliNt — driNk he caN’t Union official Leon Chow dropped McAfee fled make our day Newt Gingrich proposed sending his challenge to Sup. John Avalos rememBer that Belize claim- 13,000 Americans to the Moon and Surprise guest speaker Clint when the SF Appeal revealed that he either ing the cops creating a new state there. Eastwood addressed GOP conven- didn’t live in District 11, or even in would persecute Romney said he didn’t tion delegates for 12 minutes, during San Francisco. him after he was aNd we all woNder why remember beating up a gay sought for question- which he carried on an imagined student at his prep school and dialogue with an empty chair he wheN meN are just the media is doiNG so cutting off his long hair. ing in the shooting identified as President Obama. death of his neighbor — total dicks: the Gop smashiNGly well these using a body double, faking a heart redefiNes rape days it’s a Good thiNG attack, pretending he was crazy, and aNd yes, he did Get 1. Divine providence rape (Rick After Gabby Douglas became the moNday NiGht footBall winding up in Miami. | ap photo by a fair amouNt of Santorum): “The right approach is to first black woman to win the isN’t lookiNG alan diaz the stupidity vote accept this horribly created .. gift of Olympic gold medal in all- life, accept what God is giving to you.” around gymnastics, the news for aNother it sucks to Be stiNkiNG Santorum told a gathering of con- 2. Honest Rape (Ron Paul): media reported on problems johN maddeN rich aNd owN four servatives in Washington, “We will “If it was an honest rape, that indi- with her hair. A full 78 percent never have the elite, smart people vidual should go immediately to the of Americans houses aNd have to live on our side.” 2 emergency room.” aNd your view of thought Ryan with rejectioN 3. Forcible Rape (Paul Ryan): the world is over, Seacrest was Ann Romney was deeply depressed Federal law should prevent abortion doing a good job that her husband didn’t win the except in the case of “forcible rape.” over, over, over broadcasting from the election, telling friends she thought 4. Emergency Rape (Linda Justice Antonin Scalia, in defend- Olympics, although most of it was their fate to move into the 10 SAN FRANCISCO BAY GUARDIAN eDItORIAlS NewS FOOD + DRINk pICkS ARtS + CUltURe mUSIC lIStINGS StAGe lIStINGS ON the CheAp FIlm lIStINGS ClASSIFIeDS