Rebuilding Lives after Domestic Violence by the same author Supporting Women after Domestic Violence Loss, Trauma and Recovery Hilary Abrahams Foreword by Cathy Humphreys ISBN 978 1 84310 431 5 Making an Impact – Children and Domestic Violence A Reader Second Edition Marianne Hester, Chris Pearson and Nicola Harwin with Hilary Abrahams ISBN 978 1 84310 157 4 of related interest Counselling Survivors of Domestic Abuse Christiane Sanderson ISBN 978 1 84310 606 7 Violence Against Women in South Asian Communities Issues for Policy and Practice Edited by Ravi K. Thiara and Aisha K. Gill Foreword by Professor Liz Kelly CBE ISBN 978 1 84310 670 8 Talking About Domestic Abuse A Photo Activity Workbook to Develop Communication between Mothers and Young People Cathy Humphreys, Ravi K. Thiara, Agnes Skamballis and Audrey Mullender ISBN 978 1 84310 423 0 Talking to My Mum A Picture Workbook for Workers, Mothers and Children Afected by Domestic Abuse Cathy Humphreys, Ravi K. Thiara, Agnes Skamballis and Audrey Mullender ISBN 978 1 84310 422 3 Mothering Through Domestic Violence Lorraine Radford and Marianne Hester ISBN 978 1 84310 473 5 Domestic Violence and Child Protection Directions for Good Practice Edited by Cathy Humphreys and Nicky Stanley ISBN 978 1 84310 276 2 Rebuilding Lives after Domestic Violence Understanding Long- Term Outcomes Hilary Abrahams Foreword by Jenni Murray OBE Jessica Kingsley Publishers London and Philadelphia First published in 2010 by Jessica Kingsley Publishers 116 Pentonville Road London N1 9JB, UK and 400 Market Street, Suite 400 Philadelphia, PA 19106, USA www.jkp.com Copyright © Hilary Abrahams 2010 Foreword copyright © Jenni Murray 2010 All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced in any material form (including photocopying or storing it in any medium by electronic means and whether or not transiently or incidentally to some other use of this publication) without the written permission of the copyright owner except in accordance with the provisions of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988 or under the terms of a licence issued by the Copyright Licensing Agency Ltd, Safron House, 6–10 Kirby Street, London EC1N 8TS. Applications for the copyright owner’s written permission to reproduce any part of this publication should be addressed to the publisher. Warning: The doing of an unauthorised act in relation to a copyright work may result in both a civil claim for damages and criminal prosecution. Library of Congress Cataloging in Publication Data Abrahams, Hilary, 1941- Rebuilding lives after domestic violence : understanding long-term outcomes / Hilary Abrahams ; foreword by Jenni Murray. p. cm. Includes bibliographical references and index. ISBN 978-1-84310-961-7 (alk. paper) 1. Abused wives. 2. Marital violence--Psychological aspects. 3. Abused wives--Rehabilitation. 4. Children of abused wives--Rehabilitation. 5. Social networks. I. Title. HV6626.A158 2007 362.82’92--dc22 2009048409 British Library Cataloguing in Publication Data A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library ISBN 978 1 84310 961 7 ISBN pdf eBook 978 0 85700 320 1 Printed and bound in Great Britain by MPG Books Group For the twelve women who told their stories in order to help others, with respect and admiration for their courage and honesty Acknowledgements This study was made possible through the interest, involvement and support of many women. My thanks go to: The residents and former residents of refuges and safe houses in York, Birmingham, Penzance, Derby, Devizes and Alton who took part in this research and who wanted to share their experiences and thoughts in order to create a better understanding of their issues and support needs and to help other women. The workers, volunteers and managers at the refuges who participated so enthusiastically and took time out of their busy days in order to work with me. All the members of Women’s Aid who helped to shape this research with their ideas, comments and feedback. My friends and colleagues who provided support, shared their expertise and ofered helpful comments: Ellen, Emma, Hilary, Jackie, Jane, Jo and Rebecca. And fnally to Ian, for his unfailing support and encouragement over many years, without which none of this would have been possible. The original research was a collaborative project between the Violence against Women Research Group, School for Policy Studies, University of Bristol, and the Women’s Aid Federation of England. It was supported by a grant from the Economic and Social Research Council. The evaluation of supported housing was commissioned and funded by the Ofce of the Deputy Prime Minister, UK (now the Department for Communities and Local Government). The longitudinal study was supported by funding from The British Academy (grant number SG-41644). Contents Foreword 9 Introduction 11 About the project 12; About the book 13; Making the choice to respond 14 1: A New Journey – With Old Baggage 17 Hopes and expectations 17; Efects of domestic violence and abuse 19; Making sense of the efects of abuse 22; The process of leaving 24; An emotional roller coaster 26; Summary 29 2: The Transformation of Home 31 Women and home 32; Where shall I go? 33; Getting a property 35; Condition and maintenance 37; It’s mine! 38; Settling in, moving on 40; Summary 43 3: Building Support Systems 47 Working together 48; Dealing with the nuts and bolts 49; Building the capacity to cope 49; Moments of uncertainty 50; Saying goodbye 52; Help from the police 54; Approaching other agencies 54; Sorting out problems 56; Refuge workers’ perceptions of their role 58; Families 60; Growth and change 62; Conclusion 64; Summary 65 4: Community, Friendship and Beyond 69 Part of the community 69; Friendships with former residents 73; Feelings of loss and loneliness 74; ‘Diferent place, same crap’ 75; Changing outcomes 79; Finding their own pathways 80; Summary 84 5: Managing a New Life 87 Counting the pennies 87; Managing debt 89; The costs of working 90; Gaining qualifcations 92; No way forward 93; Pathways into work 94; Taking a break 97; Safety 99; Summary 101 6: Health and Well-being 105 Physical health 106; Coping behaviours and strategies 107; Back from the brink 109; Easing the pain in daily life 112; Taking a stand 114; Good days, bad days 115; Someone to listen 117; Barriers to seeking help 120; Summary 121 7: What About the Children? 125 On leaving 126; What domestic violence meant for the children 126; The consequences of abuse 128; Services 130; Education 132; Contact 134; Parenting 138; The changing family 140; A new picture 141; Summary 142 8: The View from Here 145 A new way of being 146; Realignment 148; The refuge 149; Life after leaving 152; Rebuilding a life 154; Women for women services? 155; Conclusion 159; Summary 160 9: Looking Forward, Looking Back 163 Moving forward 163; Reaching out to others 167; Messages from a new life 170; A fnal thought 173 APPENDIx 1 ABOUT THE PROJECT 175 Background 172; Theoretical approach 173; Making contact 173; Method 175; Ethical considerations 175; Participants 178 APPENDIx 2 PRECIS OF TOPIC GUIDE FOR INTERVIEWS 183 APPENDIx 3 RESOURCE MATERIALS 189 BIBLIOGRAPHY 195 INDEx 201 Figure 1.1: Maslow’s hierarchy of human need 23 Foreword I can think of nothing more terrifying than fnding that the home you expected would be a place of comfort and refuge has become the centre of a life where physical violence and complete psychological control dominate every move you make. Personally, I have been extremely fortunate. My grandfather and father were the kindest and gentlest of men. My partner and two adult sons show me nothing but love and respect. But I know that there are many thousands of women who have no life of their own because the men they believed they could love and trust won’t let them. We hear very little that is hopeful on the subject of domestic violence. The statistics are horrifc: two women every week are killed by a partner or former partner. Children are caught up in a cycle of abuse. Despite the best eforts of charities such as Refuge and Women’s Aid, there is still a woeful lack of accommodation for women and children who try to escape. And so often we hear that old chestnut trotted out, ‘Well, why didn’t she just get out?’ This book gives women the opportunity to explain why they were powerless to leave; to describe how having no money, nowhere to go and no confdence in your ability to stand on your own two feet and protect yourself and your children makes the mere prospect of leaving seem impossible. Most importantly, we hear from women who have found the courage to walk away and fnd a new life where violence and dominance play no part. It is a testament to the bravery and resourcefulness of women who have sufered unimaginable humiliation and cruelty at the hands of a man they thought would love them. It is full of hope. by Jenni Murray OBE 9