Project Gutenberg's Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 3, April 16, 1870, by Various This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org Title: Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 3, April 16, 1870 Author: Various Posting Date: January 18, 2013 [EBook #9549] Release Date: December, 2005 First Posted: October 8, 2003 Language: English Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 *** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, APRIL 16, 1870 *** Produced by Cornell University, Joshua Hutchinson, Ronald Holder and the Online Distributed Proofreaders "The printing House of the United States." GEO. F. NESBITT & CO., General JOB PRINTERS, BLANK BOOK Manufacturers, STATIONERS, Wholesale and Retail, LITHOGRAPHIC Engravers and Printers, COPPER-PLATE Engravers and Printers, CARD Manufacturers, ENVELOPE Manufacturers, FINE CUT and COLOR Printers. 163, 165, 167, and 169 PEARL ST., 73, 75, 77, and 79 PINE ST., New-York. ADVANTAGES. All on the same premises, and under the immediate supervision of the proprietors. WALTHAM WATCHES. 3-4 PLATE. 16 and 20 Sizes. To the manufacture of these fine Watches the Company have devoted all the science and skill in the art at their command, and confidently claim that, for fineness and beauty, no less than for the greater excellences of mechanical and scientific correctness of design and execution, these watches are unsurpassed any where. In this country the manufacture of this fine grade of Watches is not even attempted except at Waltham. FOR SALE BY ALL LEADING JEWELLERS. MOLLER'S PUREST NORWEGIAN COD-LIVER OIL. "Of late years it has become almost impossible to get any Cod-Liver Oil that patients can digest, owing to the objectionable mode of procuring and preparing the livers.... Moller, of Christiana, Norway, prepares an oil which is perfectly pure, and in every respect all that can be wished." —DR. L.A. SATRE, before Academy of Medicine. See Medical Record, December, 1869, p. 447. SOLD BY DRUGGISTS. W.H. SCHIEFFELIN & CO., Sole Agents for the United States and Canada. SATURDAY, APRIL 16, 1870. PUBLISHED BY THE PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, 83 NASSAU STREET, NEW-YORK. APPLICATIONS FOR ADVERTISING IN "PUNCHINELLO" SHOULD BE ADDRESSED TO J. NICKINSON, Room No. 4, 83 NASSAU STREET. THE "BREWSTER WAGON." The Standard for Style and Quality. BREWSTER & COMPANY, of Broome Street. WAREROOMS, Fifth Avenue, corner of Fourteenth Street. ELEGANT CARRIAGES, In all the Fashionable Varieties, EXCLUSIVELY OF OUR OWN BUILD. Thomas J. Rayner & Co., 29 LIBERTY STREET, New-York, MANUFACTURERS OF THE Finest Cigars made in the United States. All sizes and styles. Prices very moderate. Samples sent to any responsible house. Also importers of the "FUSROS" BRAND, Equal in quality to the best of the Havana market, and from ten to twenty per cent cheaper. Restaurant, Bar, Hotel, and Saloon trade will save money by calling at 20 LIBERTY STREET. GEO. BOWLEND, GEO. BOWLEND, ARTIST, Room No. 11, No. 160 FULTON STREET, NEW-YORK. WEVILL & HAMMAR, Wood Engravers, No. 208 BROADWAY, NEW-YORK. PUNCHINELLO. —— With a large and varied experience in the management and publication of a paper of the class herewith submitted, and with the still more positive advantage of an Ample Capital to justify the undertaking, the PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO. OF THE CITY OF NEW-YORK, Presents to the public for approval, the NEW ILLUSTRATED HUMOROUS AND SATIRICAL WEEKLY PAPER, PUNCHINELLO, The first number of which will be issued under date of April 2, 1870, and thereafter weekly. PUNCHINELLO will be National, and not local; and will endeavor to become a household word in all parts of the country; and to that end has secured a VALUABLE CORPS OF CONTRIBUTORS in various sections of the Union, while its columns will always be open to appropriate first-class literary and artistic talent. PUNCHINELLO will be entirely original; humorous and witty, without vulgarity, and satirical without malice. It will be printed on a superior tinted paper of sixteen pages, size 13 by 9, and will be for sale by all respectable newsdealers who have the judgment to know a good thing when they see it, or by subscription from this office. The Artistic department will be in charge of Henry L. Stephens, whose celebrated cartoons in VANITY FAIR placed him in the front rank of humorous artists, assisted by leading artists in their respective specialties. The management of the paper will be in the hands of WILLIAM A. STEPHENS, with whom is associated CHARLES DAWSON SHANLY, both of whom were identified with VANITY FAIR. ORIGINAL ARTICLES, Suitable for the paper, and Original Designs, or suggestive ideas or sketches for illustrations, upon the topics of the day, are always acceptable, and will be paid for liberally. Rejected communications can not be returned, unless postage-stamps are inclosed. Terms: One copy, per year, in advance $4.00 Single copies, ten cents. A specimen copy will be mailed free upon the receipt of ten cents. One copy, with the Riverside Magazine, or any other magazine or paper price, $2.50, for 5.50 One copy, with any magazine or paper price, $4, for 7.00 —— All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., No. 83 Nassau Street, NEW-YORK, P. O. Box, 2783. (For terms to Clubs, see 16th page.) Mercantile Library, Clinton Hall, Astor Place, NEW-YORK. This is now the largest circulating Library in America, the number of volumes on its shelves being 114,000. About 1000 volumes are added each month; and very large purchases are made of all new and popular works. Books are delivered at members' residences for five cents each delivery. TERMS OF MEMBERSHIP: TO CLERKS, $1 Initiation, $3 Annual Dues. TO OTHERS, $5 a year. SUBSCRIPTIONS TAKEN FOR SIX MONTHS. BRANCH OFFICES AT NO. 76 CEDAR STREET, NEW-YORK, AND AT Yonkers, Norwalk, Stamford, and Elizabeth. AMERICAN BUTTONHOLE, OVERSEAMING AND SEWING-MACHINE CO., 563 Broadway, New-York. This great combination machine is the last and greatest improvement on all former machines, making, in addition to all the work done on best Lock-Stitch machines, beautiful BUTTON AND EYELET HOLES; in all fabrics. Machine, with finely finished OILED WALNUT TABLE AND COVER complete, $75. Same machine, without the buttonhole parts, $60. This last is beyond all question the simplest, easiest to manage and to keep in order, of any machine in the market. Machines warranted, and full instruction given to purchasers. HENRY SPEAR STATIONER, PRINTER AND BLANK BOOK MANUFACTURER. ACCOUNT BOOKS MADE TO ORDER. PRINTING OF EVERY DESCRIPTION. 82 Wall Street NEW-YORK. THE PLAYS AND SHOWS. FROU-FROU. his nice little French drama has now been running at the FIFTH AVENUE THEATRE more than seven weeks. It is the story of a man who killed the seducer of his wife, and then forgave and received back again the guilty woman. The same tragic farce was played in Washington some eleven years ago. The actor who played the part of the outraged husband made an effective hit at the time, but he has never repeated the performance. Since then he has become a double-star actor in a wider field, There are those who insist that he is an ill-starred actor in a general way; but as he has left the country, we can leave those who regard his absence as a good riddance of bad rubbish, and those who call it a Madriddance of good rubbish, to discuss his merits at their leisure. After the execution of unnecessary quantities of noisy overture by the orchestra, the play begins. Soon after, the audience arrives. It is a rule with our play-goers never to see the first scene of any drama. This rule originates in a benevolent wish to permit the actors to slide gradually into a consciousness that somebody is looking at them; thus saving them from the possibility of stage-fright. Simple folks, who do not understand the meaning of the custom, erroneously regard it as an evidence of vulgarity and discourtesy. The first act is not exciting. Mr. G.H. CLARKE, in irreproachable clothes, (the clothes of this actor's professional life become him, if any thing, better than his acting,) offers his hand to FROU-FROU, a small girl with a reckless display of back-hair, and is accepted, to the evident disgust of her sensible sister, LOUISE. Sympathetic Young Lady who adores that dear Mr. Clarke.—"How sweetly pretty! Do the people on the stage talk just like the real French aristocracy?" Travelled friend, knowing that persons in the neighborhood are listening for his reply—"Well, yes. To a certain extent, that is." (It suddenly occurring to him that nobody can know any thing about the Legitimists, he says confidently.) "They haven't the air, you know, of the genuine old Legitimist noblesse. As to BONAPARTE'S nobility, I don't know much about them." He flatters himself that he has said a neat thing, but is posed by an unexpected question from the Sympathetic Young Lady, who asks —"Who are the great Legitimist families, nowadays?" "Well, the—the—(can't think of any name but St. Germain, and so says boldly,) the St. Germains, and all the rest of 'em, you know." (He is sorely tempted to add the St. Clouds and the Luxembourgs, but prudently refrains.) The second act shows the husband lavishing every sort of tenderness and jewelry upon the wife, who is developing a strong tendency to flirt. She insists that her sister LOUISE shall join the family and accept the position of Acting Assistant Wife and Mother, while she herself gives her whole mind to innocent flirtation. Worldly-wise Matron of evident experience—"The girl's a fool. Catch me taking a pretty sister into my house!" Brutal Husband of the Matron suggests—"But she might have done so much worse, my dear. Suppose she had given her husband a mother-in- law as a housekeeper?" Matron, with suppressed fury—"Very well, my dear. If you can't refrain from insulting dear mother, I shall leave you to sit out the play alone." (Sh—sh—sh! from every body. Curtain rises again.) More attentions to pretty wife, repaid by more flirtation at her husband's expense. Finally FROU-FROU decides that LOUISE manages the household so admirably that misery must be the result. As a necessary consequence of this logical conclusion, she rushes out of the house with a gesture borrowed from RIP VAN WINKLE, and an expressed determination to elope. Jocular Man remarks—"Now, then, CLARKE can go to Chicago, get a divorce, and marry LOUISE." This practical suggestion is warmly reprobated by the ladies who overhear it, one of whom remarks with withering scorn—"Some people think it so smart to ridicule every thing. To my mind there is nothing more vulgar." The Jocular Man, refusing to be withered, assures the Travelled Man confidentially that—"The play is frightful trash, and as for the acting, why, your little milliner in the Rue de la Paix could give MISS ETHEL any odds you please. "(Both look as though they remembered some delightfully improper Parisian dissipation, and in consequence rise rapidly in the estimation of the respectable ladies who are within hearing.) After the orchestra has given specimens of every modern composer, the fourth act begins. FROU-FROU is found living at Venice with her lover. Her husband surprises her. He is pale and weak; but, returning her the amount of her dower, goes out to shoot the lover. Rural Person announces as a startling discovery—"That's Miss AGNES ETHEL who's a-playin' FROW-FROW. Well, now, she ain't nothin' to LYDDY THOMPSON." Jocular Man says to his Travelled Friend—"The idea of Miss ETHEL trying to act like a French-woman! Did you hear how she pronounced Monsieur?" Travelled Man smiles weakly, conscious of the imperfections of his own pronunciation. To his dismay, the Sympathetic Young Lady asks—"What does that horrid man mean? How do you pronounce the word he talks about?" Travelled Man, with desperation—"It ought to be pronounced m—m—m—" (ending in an inaudible murmur.) "What? I didn't quite hear." The Travelled Man will catch at a straw. He does so, and says—"Excuse me, but the curtain is rising." FROU-FROU, in a dying state and a black dress, with her back-hair neatly arranged, is brought into her husband's house to die. He kneels at her feet. "You must not die. I am alone at fault. Forgive me sweet angel, and live." With the only gleam of good sense which she has yet shown, FROU-FROU refuses to live, and dropping her head heavily on the arm of the sofa, with a blind confidence that the thickness of her chignon will save her from a fractured skull, she peremptorily dies. Subdued sobs from the audience, with the single exception of the Jocular Man, who says—"Well, if that's moral, I don't know what's immoral; and I did think I had lived long enough in Paris to know that." With which opinion we heartily coincide, adding also the seriously critical remark that though Messrs. DAVIDGE and LEWIS play their comic parts with honest excellence, and though Mr. CLARKE is really a good actor in spite of his popularity with the ladies of the audience, Miss ETHEL, upon whom the whole play depends, is so obviously incompetent to personate a brilliant and spirituelle Parisienne that one wonders at the popularity of FROU-FROU. The majority of the audience are ladies. Can it be that they like the play because it teaches that the sins of a pretty woman should be condoned by her husband, provided she looks well with her back-hair down? MATADOR. PUNCHINELLO AND THE ALDERMEN. The City Aldermen have called in a body to pay their respects to PUNCHINELLO. PUNCHINELLO has not returned the compliment, since he likes neither their looks, their diamonds, or their diamond-cut-diamond ways. They curb streets by resolution, but they have not resolution enough to keep the streets from curbing them. They gutter highways, but oftenest let Low Ways gutter them. They wear fine shirt-fronts, but resort to sorry and disreputable shifts in order to procure them. They are gorgeously and gorged-ly badged with the City Arms in gold, but no city arms open to badger them with golden opinions; and, altogether, the Aldermen pass so many bad things that PUNCHINELLO can afford to let them pass like bad dimes, before they are nailed to the counter of that Public Opinion to which they run counter. Will the Aldermen Respond? Do they who took up the SEWARD intend to perish by the SEWARD? [Footer: Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1870, by the PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, in the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the United States, for the Southern District of New-York.] HINTS FOR THE FAMILY. Since the first publication of the hints to economically disposed families, PUNCHINELLO has received a great number of letters from all parts of the country, cordially indorsing his course. One gentleman writes that he has already saved enough money from the diminution in the cost of his wife's pins (in consequence of her having adopted the plan of keeping them stuck into a stuffed bag) to warrant him in subscribing to this paper for a year. Many of the readers of our first number write us that they now never take a meal except from a board, or a series of boards, supported by legs, as PUNCHINELLO recommended. Highly encouraged by this evidence of their usefulness, PUNCHINELLO hastens to offer further advice of the same valuable character. It may have been frequently noticed that all families require food at certain intervals, generally three times a day, and in the case of children even oftener. The cost of providing this food at the butcher, baker, and provision shops is necessarily very great, and it is well, then, to understand how a very good substitute for store-food may be prepared at home. In order to make this preparation, procure from your grocer's a quantity of flour —ordinary wheat flour—buying much or little, according to the size of your family. This must then be placed in a tin-pan, and mixed with water, salt, and yeast, according to taste. If the mass is now placed by the fire, a singular phenomenon will be observed, to which it will be well to draw the attention of the whole family; old and young will witness it with equal surprise and delight. The whole body of the soft mixture will gradually rise and fill (and sometimes even overflow) the pan! When not in view by the household, it will be well to cover the pan with a cloth, on account of dust and roaches; but it must be observed that a soft and warm bedlike arrangement will thus be formed, and if the family cat should choose to make it her resting-place, the mixture will not rise. After this substance is sufficiently light and spongy, it must be taken out of the pan and worked up into portions weighing a few pounds each. But it must not be eaten in this condition, for it would be neither palatable nor wholesome. It should be put in another pan and placed in the oven. Then (if there be a fire in the stove or range) it will be soon hardened and dried by the action of the heat, and will be fit to be eaten—provided the foregoing conditions have been perfectly understood. When brought to the table, it should be cut in slices and spread with molasses, jelly, butter, or honey, and it will be found quite adequate to the relief of ordinary hunger. A family which has once used this preparation will never be content without it. Some persons have it at every meal. PUNCHINELLO has read with great pleasure a recently published book, by CATHARINE BEECHER, and her sister Mrs. STOWE, the object of which is to teach ingenious folks how to make ordinary articles of household furniture in their leisure hours. One article not mentioned by these ladies is recommended by PUNCHINELLO to the attention of all economical families. It having been observed that it is a highly useful practice to provide for the regular recurrence of meals, bedtime and other household epochs, an instrument which shall indicate the hour of the day will be of the greatest advantage. Such a one may thus be made on rainy days or in the long winter evenings. Procure some thin boards and construct a small box. If it can be made pointed at one end, with two little towers to it, so much the better. Make a glass door to it, and paste upon the lower part of this a picture representing a scene in Spanish Germany. Paint a rose just under the scene. Then get a lot of brass cog-wheels, and put them together inside of the box. Arrange them so that they shall fit into each other and wrap a string around one of them, to the end of which a lump of lead or iron should be attached. Then put a piece of tin, with the hours painted thereon, on the upper part of the box, behind the door, and get two long bits of thin iron, one shorter than the other, and connect them, by means of a hole in the middle of the tin, with the cog-wheels inside. Then shut the door, and if this apparatus has been properly made, it will tell the time of day. Any thing more convenient cannot be imagined, and the cost of the brass, by the pound, will not be more than fifteen cents, while the wood, the tin, and the iron may be had for about ten cents. In the shops the completed article would be very much more costly. In his "Hints" PUNCHINELLO always desires to remember the peculiar needs of the ladies, and will now tell them something that he is sure will please them. They have all found, in the course of their shopping, that it is exceedingly difficult to procure at the dry goods stores, any sort of fabric which is so woven as to fit the figure, and they must have frequently experienced the necessity of cutting their purchases into variously-shaped pieces and fastening them together again by means of a thread. Here is an admirable plan for accomplishing this object. Take a piece of fine steel wire and sharpen one end of it. Now bore a hole in the other end, in which insert the thread. If the edges of the cloth are now placed together, and the wire is forced through them, the operator will find, to her delight and surprise, that the thread will readily follow it. If the wire is thus passed through the stuff, backward and forward, a great many times, the edges will be firmly united. It will be necessary, on the occasion of the first puncture, to form a hard convolution at the free end of the thread, so as to prevent it passing entirely through. This method will be found much more convenient than the plan of punching holes in the stuff and then sticking the ends of the thread through them. In the latter case, the thread is almost certain to curl up, and cause great annoyance. Dies Iræ. The Philadelphia Day, on account of the immense success of PUNCHINELLO. Sporting Query. Was the fight between the "blondes" and STOREY of Chicago a Fair fight? Prospect of a Short Water Supply Next Summer. A convention of milk dealers met this week at Croton Falls to prevent the adulteration of milk by City dealers. LATEST FROM WASHINGTON. Commissioner Piegan, of Montana, submits the outline of a treaty with the Indians, which embraces the following provisions, (the embracing of provisions being strictly in character:) 1. No infant under three months of age, and no old man over one hundred and ten, to be killed by either party in battle. All women to be killed on sight. Where the small-pox is raging, the field to be left to the Small-Pox. 2. Presents to Indians to consist chiefly of arms, ammunition, and whisky. 3. Liquor-sellers and apostles to be encouraged on equal terms. 4. Amateur sportsmen to be warned against killing Indians during the breeding season. 5. Quakers and VINCENT COLLYER to be assigned to duty at Washington. 6. Four months' notice to be given of any intended attack on a White camp. 7. In scalping a lady, the rights of property in waterfall and switch to be sacredly regarded. 8. Declarations of love (during a campaign) to be submitted in writing. 9. The usual atrocities to be observed by both parties. 10. Hostilities to terminate when the last Indian lays down his tomahawk, (to take a drink,) unless sooner shot by his white brethren, or removed to a new reservation by the small-pox. Action on this treaty is expected to take place in about ten years. RATHER PERSONAL. Ardent Lover. "THEN, WHY, OH! WHY, DO YOU SCORN MY HAND?" Young Lady. "I HAVE NO FAULT TO FIND WITH YOUR HAND, BUT I do OBJECT TO YOUR FEET." A DISTINGUISHED VISITOR. It is now settled that PIERRE BONAPARTE, who has been sentenced by the High Court of Tours to leave France, is coming to New-York with the intention of opening a pistol-gallery in partnership with REDDY the Blacksmith. As the Prince is known to have "polished off" at least four men with his revolver, his reception by the occupants of "Murderer's Block" and other famous localities of the city will doubtless be very enthusiastic. A suite of apartments is now being fitted up for his accommodation in East-Houston Street—The rooms are very tastefully decorated with portraits of the late lamented BILLY MULLIGAN and other celebrated knights of the trigger. The Prince, it is understood, will drop his title on his arrival here, and enter society as plain PETER BONAPARTE—thus Englishing PIERRE, because it is French for stone, and he thinks that his exploits entitle him to take rank in New-York as a Brick. The Beginning and Ending of a Chicken's Life. HATCHET. The Best Envelope for a Sweet Note. "CANARY laid" WOMAN, PAST AND PRESENT. DR. LORD, in a lecture lately delivered by him in Boston, on PHILIPPA, the mother of the BLACK PRINCE, (who was a white woman,) told about JANE, Countess of MONTFORT, (you all know who she was,) and how She once defended a fortress and defied a phalanx with eminent success. Of her the lecturer said, "Clad in complete armor, she stood foremost in the breach." She did that, did she, this JANE of old? Tut, sir! that's nothing to our modern JANES, crowds of whom are now yearning to stand "foremost in the breeches." A Bill that the Young Democracy Couldn't Settle. BILL TWEED. Cool. ENGLAND has a Bleak house, but New-York has a Bleecker street. A SOROSIAN IMPROMPTU. One of the sisters of Sorosis, at the last meeting of the club, was delivered of the following touching "Impromptu on some beautiful bouquets of flowers:" "With hungry eyes we glanced adown The table nicely spread; Our appetites were very keen, And not one word was said, "Till of a sudden "Ohs!" and "Ahs!" Gave token of delight, As, from a magic flower-bed. Bright buds appeared in sight. "May this sweet thought suggest the way In which to spend life's hours; And we endeavor every day To scatter fragrant flowers." The first verse reminds us not a little of several olden nursery rhymes of a prandial and convivial character, of which the most prominent is that relating to little JACK HORNER, who sat in a corner eating a Christmas pie. But even he is not described as having "hungry eyes," though there is small doubt but that he had a good appetite, and was "hungry o' the stomach." It is pleasant to know that the table was nicely spread, though not as "keen appetites" would have demanded, with bread and butter; but, as the subject calls for, with flowers—food of a very proper character for hungry eyes to feed upon. Nor is it any wonder that those of the sisterhood who went to the table expecting to find something more substantial than flowers set before them, should at first sight have been unable to utter one word. And only, after their first astonishment and disappointment was over, the magical letters O's and R's, which, we may presume, was a short way of calling for Old Rum, to restore their drooping spirits, though our poetess, with a woman's perverseness, would have us believe they were intended as "tokens of delight." Of the last verse we can only say that it is an evident plagiarism of the well-known juvenile poem, commencing, "How doth the little busy bee Improve each shining hour, And gather honey all the day From every opening flower!" We confess, though, that we are unable to discover the "sweet thought" that is to "suggest the way" "In which to spend life's hours!" Moreover, we believe it would be tiresome and monotonous to be occupied "every day" in scattering "fragrant flowers," even if we were certain that the lovely members of Sorosis would regard them with "tokens of delight." We regard this Impromptu as a failure, and call upon ALICE, and PHEBE, and CELIA, and other tuneful members of the Sorosis Club to come to the rescue of their unfortunate sister—the perpetrator of the above verses. Suggestive. Our sheriff's initials—J.O.B. How to Rise Early. Lie with your head to the (y)east. Query for Barney Williams. Is the "Emerald Ring" a Fenian Circle? Not During Lent. It is hardly probable that General GRANT will dismiss FISH from the Cabinet during Lent. THE REAL ESTATE OF WOMAN. DEAR PUNCHINELLO: We would not for the World—no, nor even for PUNCHINELLO—cast any reproaches upon the vigorous movement made in these latter days to find the real estate of woman; but why, tell us why, should we find enlisted in this cause at present, as members of the various Sorosis-ters, so many single sisters with pretensions to youth? We have always looked upon the champions of woman's righteousness, those who believe in the fee-male absolute as the real estate of woman, as principally married women, whose housekeeping has proved a failure, (except in the single item of hot water,) and certain ladies who have lived to mature age without reference to men, and whom no man would take even with the best of reference. There surely must be something wrong, somewhere, when those in the younger walks of age take on this armor. Where is the need? Why should they who have never had their young lives blighted by a husband linger pathetically over the tyranny of the sterner sex? Instead of shedding all these tears over other people's husbands, they ought rather to rejoice that they have been spared such inflictions in the past, and give exceeding great thanks that they are beyond danger of such in the future. There may be other young women (if I may so speak) who are so heart-broken because of the oppression of their sex, as wives, so disgusted with the state matrimonial under the present constitution of society, that they would not marry—oh! no. Now, we all remember the cogent reason why John refused to partake of his evening repast, and we assure these young persons that they have nothing whatever to fear. The danger is past, and they are safe beyond the possibility of a peradventure. They are not the kind that men devour. And yet we can not help feeling pity for them; their experience has been trying, but in vain; they know what it is "to suffer and be strong"-minded; they have learned "to labor and to wait," and it is well; for in all probability they will wait for some time. It may be that the poor creatures are afflicted by the thought that perhaps they may be called upon to make warning examples of themselves, and marry; and that perhaps the man they marry may be a tyrant, and—but the contingency is too remote. Some tell us that their youthful ardor is to uphold the standard of woman's mission: they want to work. Well, all we can say is—go it! for under the circumstances, with no one to work for them, the best possible thing they can do is to work for themselves. But couldn't they do more, or at least as much, without so much noise? If they only had plenty to do, and not so much spare time to talk about what they are going to do, wouldn't they be better off, and poor frail man be the gainer thereby? If they could only resolve upon such a course, and stick to it, don't you think they would receive more aid, material and moral? Many would gladly contribute of their substance in such a cause, with overflowing hearts; and the world of man will gladly guarantee to those who avow their determination not to marry, entire immunity from any temptation in that direction. As to the rest—those weak creatures who will be satisfied with good husbands and broad home-missions—they know no better; they will continue to move in their limited spheres, benighted but happy, and every thing will be satisfactory. Lawyers tell us that since the statutes of 1848, a woman's real estate has been within her own control; we take a broader view: we think it always has been within her own control by virtue of that old first statute given to our gentle mother, EVE. AN OLD BAILEY PRACTITIONER. In England they have an institution called the Old Bailey. It dealt from time immemorial in such queer animals as "four-footed recognizances," and in such strong assistance to justice as "straw bail" affords. The court-room of the Old Bailey may be called a historical vat of crime. Until recently, New-York was Old Bailey-less. Now detectives go about the streets singing an air which reminds one forcibly of the tune called "Unfortunate Miss BAILEY," only that it is Mister BAILEY they have missed. Old BAILEY is really like JOHN GILPIN in two respects; all rumors about him begin by calling him "a citizen of credit and renown;" and they generally end by referring to him as a man who was gone to "dine at—where?" Our New-York Old BAILEY has disappeared. Either the FULLERTON earthquake has swallowed him up, or he has gone to the unknown land to which most Spiritual mediums migrate. There never was a greater Spiritual medium than Old BAILEY. He has had spirits on the brain during several years past. He throve on spirits. He had only to rap on casks of spirits, and greenbacks would rustle therefrom like trailing garments out of the Spirit-world. He had assistant mediums in all the Federal officers. And now the question asked of Commissioner DELANO, (who, by the way, in this respect would gladly become DELA-yes) is "Canst thou call 'spirits from the vasty deep?' and if thou canst, where is Old BAILEY?" Banker CLEWS is one of his sureties, but he owns no Clews to his principal's whereabouts. Do not PUNCHINELLO'S subjects all know that whisk brooms sweep clean, and that no broom swept cleaner the Augean stables of Federal plunderers than that wretched Old BAILEY'S whisky broom? There is, however, an old proverb which claims that industrious brooms soon wear out. But BAILEY is unlike a broom, in that no one can find a handle to his whereabouts. PUNCHINELLO has heard a great deal about the practice of the Old Bailey in London. He thinks it likely that so long as the Administration continues to protect Federal plunderers, and to cover their tracks by attacks against alleged city and State abuses, these Old Bailey practices recently introduced into the United States Courts and United States procedure, within or without revenue offices, must soon entitle a large number of Federal officers, all over the country, to be happily styled "Old Bailey Practitioners." A Gay Young Joker. Thus spake the old Republican Machiavel, THURLOW WEED, a day or two since, to W.H. SEWARD, the sly old fox with the "little bell." "TWEED 'l win." "Tweedle-dee!" retorted SEWARD. "What d'ye mean by that?" "I mean," rejoined THURLOW, that his name, T. WEED, is identical with one that erstwhile loomed largest in the sovereignty of the State of New-York." SEWARD smiled. PHILADELVINGS. "Mother! mother!" screamed a little girl from above stairs to her maternal parent in the parlor. "Mother, I've been crying ever so long, and HANNAH won't pacify me!" And now PUNCHINELLO notices that it is not only little girls who act in this charming manner; for the Hon. WILLIAM D. KELLEY, of Philadelphia, has just screamed over the Congressional banisters that he must be pacified, or he will no longer serve the good people of the Fourth District of Pennsylvania. Therefore some fifteen hundred of his constituents have written him a letter, and have said to him, "Dat he sall, de poo itty-witty darling-warling, have his placey-wacey as longey-wongey as he wants it, and the nasty- wasty one-legged soldiers sha'n't trouble him for situations any more, so they sha'n't." So the poor fellow straightens himself up, ceases his sobbing, and consents to.be pacified and take his three thousand a year for a little while longer. This may do very well for once in a while; but the Honorable WILLIAM D. announces that, not only does he desire to be pacified in regard to the people who expect him to get them situations, but that he wants to be with his family for more than six months in a year, and that his property affairs are a little mixed. Now, what if he should ask, next time, that his family shall be assigned apartments in the Capitol, and that he shall be put on the Grant Category, and be presented with an estate by his grateful constituents? And suppose he should declare that he would serve no more unless General LOGAN should be included among the number of those from whose importunities he is to be defended? The good Irish blood of WILLIAM D. has always boiled at the sound of the slogan, for it generally means fight, and he wants—pacifying. PUNCHINELLO respectfully presents his condolences to the people of the Fourth District of Pennsylvania, and hopes that they will have a happy time of it with WILLIAM D. He has also noticed that the Philadelphians are having a lively and brotherly dispute over their new public buildings; they don't know where to put them. Most of the citizens are very much opposed to doing any thing on the square; that is to say, Independence Square, where the citizens assert their freedom by treading down all the grass, and making a mud-flat of what was intended to be a turfy lawn. Some folks want the buildings on PENN Square—so called because it is split in the middle, and answers its intended purposes only on paper. But the good Quakers hate to interfere with the rights of the blacks, whether they be men or women, and so many of the latter make this square their abiding place every summer, that it would seem like a violation of the spirit of the Fifteenth Amendment to disturb them. But there is no doubt that the good Philadelphians will have their new buildings some day, for they are very enterprising. Witness the disposition of one of their leading men, "Slushy" SMITH by name, who wants fifty thousand dollars with which to open an avenue from the Delaware to Sixth street, basing his claims upon the fact that such avenue will lead to Fairmount Park! Now, as the nearest point of the park is two miles and a half from Sixth street, the vigor of the scheme and the foreseeing character of the projectors are worthy of a metropolis. PUNCHINELLO is furthermore delighted to see that a son of PENN has decided the great question of the Pope's infallibility, which so vexes our OEcumenical fellow-creatures. POPE has been beheaded at Harrisburg, and of course there is no further need to discuss his infallibility. When a man loses his head, he is fallible. To be sure, the case was only one of a picture of GRANT and his Generals, which hung in the State Library, and in which POPE'S head was painted out, and Governor GEARY'S substituted; but the act shows, on the part of the adherents of the leaden-legged governor, a head-strong determination to proceed to extremities which has given rise to the gravest apprehensions; but PUNCHINELLO hopes for the best. It is expected that the Legislature will soon compel the inhabitants of the City of Fraternites to send their children to school, whether they like it or not. This is certainly progression, and PUNCHINELLO now looks confidently forward to a law compelling all Philadelphians to wash their pavements twice a day; to have white marble front-steps (without railings) to all their houses; to build said houses entirely of red brick, with green shutters; to make their sidewalks of similar bricks, laid unevenly, to agitate passers-by and so prevent dyspepsia, and that each house shall have at least one little gutter running over its pavement. "Lost at Sea." BOUCICAULT when he wrote the play. LETTER FROM A FRIEND. FRIEND PUNCHINELLO: Thee is right welcome; but thee should look upon this as a city of Friends, and not place it in thy wicked pages, but rather in thy Good Books—all the more since thee claims to exalt the good things pertaining to pen and pencil, and this is the great City of Penn and Pennsylvania. If thee should come this way next summer, to ruralize, thee might behold our swollen Schuylkill, and say, Enough! Thee might see our City Fathers, and say, Good! Doubtless thee has heard of our butter? Well, thee might then taste it, and also say, Good!—if thee likes. It is cheap. Thee will understand me, friend, that it is cheap to say "Good" and good to say "Cheap." If thee will but talk "plain language," thee may circulate freely in our streets, and behold our horses and dogs rubbing noses against the fountains; nay, refreshing themselves thereat by the sight and sound of little water! Cruelty to Animals is Prevented—but thee knows this; for has thee not thy BERGH? Thee does with one BERGH, but we have two—Pittsburg and Harrisburg—and, moreover, a proverb which says, "Every man thinketh his own goose a SWANN" If thee needs, we can spare thee Harrisburg, and trust to the laws of Providence. But, friend PUNCHINELLO, if thee comes here, thee must be careful what thee does. If thee does nothing, thee may be restrained. Thrift accords not with idleness. We permit none but official corner loungers and "dead beats;" and, having a very FOX for a Mayor—whose police are sharp as steel traps—thee comes into danger, unless thee be a Repeater. True, thee might disguise thyself in liquor and—as friend Fox taketh none—escape. This epistle is written out of kindly regard for thee, and because the Spirit moveth me to wish thee well and a long life; although thee may not live long enough to behold our new Public Buildings, the site of which no man living can foresee. I remain, thine in peace, PHINEAS BHODBRIMME, PHILADELPHIA, 3d Month, 29th, 1870. Mulberry Street. Consolation for Contemplated Changes in the Cabinet. There are as good Fish in the sea as ever were caught. Revels in the President's Mansion. The Black man in the White house. Nothing Like Leather. A leather-dealer in the "Swamp" writes to us, asking whether we cannot administer a good leathering to the prowlers who infest that district at night. We don't know. Had rather not interfere. Suppose the poor thieves find good Hiding-places there. Let the leatherist guard his premises with a good-sized Black—and tan. "Raising Cain." The Southern papers announce that cane-planting is generally finished, which is more than can be said in this section, where it looks as though the cane was about to usurp the place of the pen. We are not surprised, however, to be informed that not half as much cane has been planted in the South this year as there was last season, owing to the fact, no doubt, that the Government has gone into the business of "raising Cain" so extensively in that section. Good for a "Horse Laugh." What is the difference between the leading equestrienne at the Circus and ROSA BONHEUR? The one is known as the "Fair Horsewoman;" the other, as the "Horse Fair Woman." A Drawn Battle. Any fight that gets into the illustrated papers. A Suggestion. It is proposed to transport passengers by means of the pneumatic tunnel. In view of the dampness of this subterranean way, would it not be proper to call it the Rheumatic tunnel? THE UMBRELLA. (CONCLUDED.) It has been suggested that should a select party from the Fee-jee Islands, who never before had wandered from their own delightful home, be thrown into London, they might immediately erect the copper-colored flag, or whatever their national ensign might be, and take possession of that populous locality by right of discovery. So, in like manner, should you leave your umbrella where it would be likely to be discovered—say in a restaurant, or even in your own hall—the fortunate and enterprising explorer who should happen to discover it would have in his favor the nine points of the law that come with possession, and the remaining points by right of discovery—a good thing for dealers in umbrellas, but bad for that small portion of the general public not addicted to petty larceny. DICKENS, in one of his Christmas stories, tells us of an umbrella that a man tried to get rid of: he gave it away; he sold it; he lost it; but it invariably came back; despite his moat strenuous exertions, like bad incubi, it remained upon his hands. This strange incident does not come within our present treatise; it is of the supernatural, and we are seeking to write the natural history of the umbrella. The man who, has an umbrella that has grown old in his service is a curiosity—so is the umbrella. If a man borrow an umbrella, it is not expected that he will ever return it; he is a polite and refined mendicant. If a man lend an umbrella, it is understood that he has no further use for it; he is a generous donor whose right hand knows not what his left hand doeth—neither does his left hand. A reform with regard to umbrellas has lately been attempted. A very expressive and ingenious stand has been patented, in which if an umbrella be once impaled there is no chance of its abduction except by the hands of its rightful owner. A friend of ours, who owned such a one, placed all his umbrellas in its charge, and went his way joyfully with the keys in his pocket. During his absence, a facetious burglar called and removed umbrellas, stand, and all. Our friend concludes that it is cheaper to lend umbrellas by retail. Despite the apparent severity of these remarks, there may be much romance connected with the umbrella. Many a young man immersed in love has blessed the umbrella that it has been his privilege to carry over the head of a certain young lady caught in a shower. In such a case the umbrella may be the means of cementing hearts. Two young hearts bound together by an umbrella—think of it, ye dealers in poetical rhapsodies, and grieve that the discovery was not yours! How many agreeable chats have taken place beneath the umbrella! how many a confessio amantis has ascended with sweet savor into the dome of the umbrella and consecrated it for ever! The romance alluded to may be spoiled if there be great disparity in height. If the lady be very tall and you be very short, (so that you can't afford to ride in an omnibus,) you will be apt to spoil a new hat; and if, on the other hand, the lady be very short and you be very tall, you will probably ruin a spring bonnet and break off the match. Again, if you should happen to carry an umbrella of the vast blue style—to your own disgust and the amusement of the multitude—and, under such circumstances, you meet a particular lady friend, your best course will be to pass rapidly by, screening yourself from observation as much as possible. It would also be awkward should the day be windy, and, as you advance with a winning smile to offer an asylum to the stricken dear, the umbrella should blow inside out. The poet has raised the umbrella still higher by making it the symbol of the marriage tie. He says, "Just as to a big umbrella Is the handle when 'tis raining. So unto a man is woman. Though, the handle bears the burden, 'Tis the top keeps all the rain off; Though the top gets all the wetting, 'Tis the handle still supports it. So the top is good for nothing If there isn't any handle; And the case holds vice versa." All will appreciate the delicate pathos of the simile. Speaking of similes reminds us that there is one on Broadway. An enterprising merchant has for his sign an American eagle carrying an umbrella. Imagine the American eagle carrying an umbrella! As well imagine JULIUS CæSAR in shooting-jacket and NAPOLEON-boots. The sign was put up in war times, and was, of course, intended as a Sign of the times, squalls being prevalent and umbrellas needed. Now that the squalls are over, let us hope that the umbrella may speedily come down. Just here we close ours. ALAS! POOR CUBA! Messrs. Fish and Sumner. "LET HER STAY OUT IN THE COLD." "Ironing Done Here." CAPTAIN EYRE'S conduct has raised the Ire of the whole civilized world. Right to a Letter. THE Collector of the Thirty-second District is charged with having committed larceny as Bailee. THE DESCENT OF THE GREAT MASSACHUSETTS FROG UPON THE NEWSPAPER FLIES. AN OLD BOY TO THE YOUNG ONES. o-day I'm sixty-nine—an Old Boy. But, bless you! I was three times as old—I thought so then—when I entered on my nineteenth year. I tell you, boys—but perhaps you know it already—that the oldest figure we ever reach in this world, the point at which we can look over the head of METHUSELAH as easy as you can squint at the pretty girls, is at eighteen and nineteen. Every body else around about that time amounts to little, and less, and nothing at all. What's the "old man"—your father, at forty-five—but an old fogy who doesn't understand things at all? Of course not; how could he be expected to? He didn't have the modern advantages. He didn't go to school at five, the dancing academy at seven; nor did he give stunning birthday parties at nine—not he. He didn't wear Paris kid-gloves in the nursery, learn to swear at the tailor at ten, smoke and "swell" at twelve, and flirt at Long Branch, Newport, or Saratoga at thirteen. The truth is—you think so—the Old Man was brought up "slow." And, to tell the truth, you had much rather not be seen with him outside the house. You are "one of the boys" now. I was, fifty years since. A long time ago, that; but I've lived long enough to see and know that I was a great fool then. You'll come to that, if you don't run to seed before. I see now that what I then thought was smartness, was mere smoke; and it was a great deal of smoke with the smallest quantity of fire. The people I thought amounted to nothing, and whom I symbolized with a cipher, were merely reflections of my own small, addled brain. I, too, thought the old man slow, passé, stupid. I took him for a muff. He must have known I was twice that. What does one of the boys at nineteen care for advice? I didn't—you don't. It went in at the right ear and out over the left shoulder. Old gent said he'd been there; I said I was going. I did go. So did his money. My talent—if that's what you call it—was centrifugal, not centripetal. I was a radical out-and-outer, as to funds. I made lots of friends—you should have seen them. They swarmed— when there was any thing in my pocket. They left me alone in solitude at other times. At twenty-nine I got pretty well along in life. But I find I did not know so much as at nineteen. I had seen something of the world, and also something of myself. The more I saw and studied the latter individual, the less I thought of him. I began sincerely to believe he was a humbug. At thirty-nine, I knew he was; or rather had been. By that time he had begun to mend—had he? He had married, and there was call for mending, equally as to ways, means, and garments. From that hour I cultivated in different fields. My wild oats were all raked in. I was getting away from nineteen very rapidly—happily receding from the boy of that period. Mrs. BROWNGREEN beheld a man devoted to domestics and the dailies. The clubs I left behind me—twice a week. I was at home early—in the morning. I kept careful watch of my goings and comings—so did my curious neighbors. I had my family around me— also sheriffs and trades-people. I stood tolerably well in the community; for I was straight in those times even when in straits. Bu...