Polygyny University Press of Florida Florida A&M University, Tallahassee Florida Atlantic University, Boca Raton Florida Gulf Coast University, Ft. Myers Florida International University, Miami Florida State University, Tallahassee New College of Florida, Sarasota University of Central Florida, Orlando University of Florida, Gainesville University of North Florida, Jacksonville University of South Florida, Tampa University of West Florida, Pensacola This page intentionally left blank Polygyny What It Means When African American Muslim Women Share Their Husbands Debra Majeed University Press of Florida Gainesville Tallahassee Tampa Boca Raton Pensacola Orlando Miami Jacksonville Ft. Myers Sarasota Copyright 2015 by Debra Majeed All rights reserved Printed in the United States of America on acid-free paper This book may be available in an electronic edition. 20 19 18 17 16 15 6 5 4 3 2 1 Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Majeed, Debra, author. Polygyny : what it means when African American Muslim women share their husbands / Debra Majeed. pages cm Includes bibliographical references and index. ISBN 978-0-8130-6077-4 1. Polygyny—United States. 2. African American women—United States. 3. Muslim women—United States. 4. Man-woman relationships—United States. I. Title. GN480.35.M35 2015 306.84'23—dc23 2015003596 The University Press of Florida is the scholarly publishing agency for the State University System of Florida, comprising Florida A&M University, Florida Atlantic University, Florida Gulf Coast University, Florida International University, Florida State University, New College of Florida, University of Central Florida, University of Florida, University of North Florida, University of South Florida, and University of West Florida. University Press of Florida 15 Northwest 15th Street Gainesville, FL 32611-2079 http://www.upf.com Contents Preface vii Acknowledgments xiii Introduction 1 1. The Road to Understanding Polygyny 13 2. Agency and Authority in Polygyny 28 3. Religious and Experiential Prescriptions 52 4. Legalities and Emotional Well-Being 78 5. Imam Mohammed’s Commentary on Polygyny 98 6. Mental Health and Living Polygyny 117 Afterword: Muslim Womanist Praxis and Polygyny 133 Notes 143 Glossary 167 Bibliography 169 Index 185 This page intentionally left blank Preface Are plural marriages in the United States solely the extension of male desire? Do they exploit women? Is criminalizing them just and, if so, for whom? How do Americans make meaning of some family structures while disavowing oth- ers? How do African American Muslims explain what they are doing and why when they establish multiple-wife households? What forms of agency or ca- pacity for action do Muslim women exert when they share their husbands? These and other questions have tugged at my consciousness since 2002, much as I once clung to the hem of my mother’s skirt until I captured her attention. At that time, I was a divorced Muslim woman hoping to remarry an Afri- can American Muslim man. Though I realized that I could consider potential mates from any cultural group, I believed—as do most of my subjects—that I resonated most with Americans of African ancestry. Intellectually, I was also drawn to consider the influence of religion and ideology in the organization of African American Muslim family life. By then I had read and heard enough about the strains on Muslim women who shared their husbands to be wary of people who spoke highly about the benefits of multiple-wife unions. Like many people, I thought such relationships were merely about sex, male privilege, and female submission—just another variety of female exploitation. I also figured that the women involved must be crazy! As I struggled to support a good friend whose husband was about to take another wife, however, I discovered that my perspective was too simplistic and that in the world of African American (and some other) Muslims this form of plural marriage is much more complex than I realized. For nearly two decades, my friend and her husband lived monogamously, raised children from former marriages, and built a prosperous business to- gether. Longtime attendees of our local religious community revered them as an ideal married couple. I did too. While I was acquainted with the husband, I loved and adored his wife. Never during their marriage, according to my friend, did her husband ever tell her that he desired to enter into a marriage viii Preface contract with another woman—until he was about to say “I do.” So, yes, I was biased against this household arrangement at the outset. Even so, my friend and I knew that the Qur'an, the single highest authority in Islam, offers con- ditional permission for men to marry up to four women simultaneously. Nei- ther my friend nor I believed the necessary conditions were present in her situation, however. We were convinced, too, that neither the new wife nor my friend would benefit if her husband contracted a marriage that could not be recognized legally. Yet her husband proceeded with his plans, with the appar- ent approval of our local religious leaders and some of our friends. Most of the members of our association of Muslims—those who follow the leadership of Imam W. D. Mohammed, the foremost Muslim leader in the United States until his death in 2008—were publicly silent on the issue of multiple-wife marriage when I first began this study. They consider family formation to be a private matter, off limits to public discussion. In this, they echo the teachings of their leader, who responded this way to criticism of his marriage to a woman fifty years his junior: “You should stay out of private business.” I would not reduce this comment made in 2004 to unconditional support for multiple-wife marriage nor to indifference to the impact one’s private life can have on one’s community. Not only would that conclusion be untrue, but it would also overlook the importance Imam Mohammed placed on marriage and family life throughout his ministry and his concern for the safety and protection of women. Instead, his statement and some reactions to it embody the many paradoxes I encountered and the varied ways in which Muslims translate what they hear, read, and are taught into everyday action. In 2002 my friend was convinced that she fully understood Islam’s perspec- tives on marriage. In hindsight, she did not. She had yet to realize her own responsibility in her marital decisions. She had yet to fully engage her own agency, choosing docility instead. Her “knowledge” reflected unquestioned assumptions taught to her by her husband and by her local mosque and be- queathed to her by earlier generations that rendered conditional permission as unconditional approval. Hers is a stance also taken by most of our Mus- lim friends and associates. Thus within months of her husband’s marriage, she grudgingly accepted a role consistent with her self-imposed label: “co-wife.”1 I never expected the effect her experience would have on me or the gravitational pull I would feel to educate others and myself about marital multiplicity in Islam.2 As my friend struggled to deal with her husband’s absences, reduced fi- nancial support, and the marital intimacy now extended to another legitimate Preface ix wife—insofar as Islam views consensual sexual intercourse between a man and a woman—I began to negotiate a marriage of my own. In the process, I won- dered what I would do if my husband-to-be took a similar stand. While I was intent on creating a monogamous union, my friend’s experience confirmed for me that I should not assume that my husband-to-be shared the same plan. Quickly my journey moved from theoretical and empathic to the status of per- sonal—very personal. When asked whether ours was intended to be a continu- ously monogamous union for him, my fiancé replied, “I cannot say ‘No’ to what Allah has said ‘Yes.’” That union dissolved after ten years and never included a second wife. But it could have, as I discovered during our first year together. Our exchange confirmed for me the importance of this exploration. I have become acutely aware that other African American Muslims struggle with similar questions and concerns as they strive to practice their religion, grapple with the benefits and responsibilities of marriage and singleness, and contribute to Muslim community life in a Muslim-minority context. As they do, many come to realize that the absence of a transparent process for handling marriage and divorce issues sentences too many women living polygyny to suffering in silence, sometimes jettisoning them to the margins of their com- munities. This is especially trying for African American Muslims, who distrust civil authorities due to a legacy of racism and alienation, or for those who be- lieve that the state should not intervene in regulating religious practices such as marriage. Regardless of their positions, most African American and other American Muslims agree on the need for adequate resources to enter into and sustain Muslim marriages in the United States, that is, to ensure justice. Polygyny is a book about authority and cultural particularities. It also is about limits and possibilities and real and perceived power disparities. About religion and household organization. About African American Muslim women and their right to speak, be heard, and control representations of themselves, their marriages, and their lived realities. Polygyny is not a definitive work on the subject of multiple-wife marriage among African American Muslims or even of marital multiplicity in Islam. I do not seek to promote the practice, but I also do not advocate its eradication. What this book does do is use a small sampling of American Muslim life to ask readers to rethink their ideas about what constitutes a family as it encourages Muslim women and men to recog- nize their agency more fully and to be more cognizant of their responsibilities to one another. I invite readers on the journey on which I embarked, one that compelled me to think more critically about gender inequality, gender respon- sibility, and gender justice in Muslim family life.