The Project Gutenberg EBook of Plays, vol. 2, by John Vanbrugh This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org/license Title: Plays, vol. 2 Author: John Vanbrugh Release Date: February 2, 2016 [EBook #51114] Language: English Character set encoding: UTF-8 *** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PLAYS, VOL. 2 *** Produced by Richard Tonsing, Mark C. Orton and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was produced from images generously made available by The Internet Archive/Canadian Libraries) PLAYS, WRITTEN BY Sir JOHN VANBRUGH. Volume the Second. CONTAINING The Confederacy. The Mistake. The Country House. A Journey to London. The Provok'd Husband. LONDON: Printed for J. RIVINGTON, T. LONGMAN, T. LOWNDES, T. CASLON, C. CORBETT, S. BLADON, W. NICOLL, T. EVANS, and M. WALLER. MDCCLXXVI. PROLOGUE, Spoken by a Shabby Poet. Y e Gods! what crime had my poor father done, That you should make a poet of his son? Or is't for some great services of his, Y'are pleas'd to compliment his boy——with this? [Shewing his crown of laurel. The honour, I must needs confess is great, If, with his crown, you'd tell him where to eat: Tis well——But I have more complaints—look here! [Shewing his ragged coat. Hark ye; d'ye think this suit good winter wear? In a cold morning; whu——at a Lord's gate, How you have let the porter let me wait! You'll say, perhaps, you knew I'd get no harm, You'd given me fire enough to keep me warm. Ah—— A world of blessings to that fire we owe; Without it I'd ne'er made this princely show. I have a brother too, now in my sight, [Looking behind the scenes. A busy man amongst us here to-night: Your fire has made him play a thousand pranks, For which, no doubt you've had his daily thanks: He's thank'd you, fi fi, for all his decent plays, Where he so nick'd it, when he writ for praise. Next for his meddling with some folks in black, And bringing——Souse——a priest upon his back; For building houses here t'oblige the peers, And fetching all their house about his ears; For a new play, he'as now thought fit to write, To sooth the town——which they——will damn to-night. These benefits are such, no man can doubt But he'll go on, and set your fancy out, Till for reward of all his noble deeds, At last, like other sprightly folks, he speeds: Has this great recompence fix'd on his brow As fam'd Parnassus; has your leave to bow And walk about the streets—equip'd——as I am now. } } } Dramatis Personæ. MEN. Gripe, Two rich money-scriveners. Mr. Leigh. Money-trap, Mr. Dogget. Dick, a gamester, son to Mrs. Amlet. Mr. Booth. Brass, his companion, passes for his Valet de Chambre. Mr. Pack. Clip, a Goldsmith. Mr. Mimes. Jessamin, foot boy to Clarissa. WOMEN. Clarissa, wife to Gripe, an expensive luxurious woman, a great admirer of quality. Mrs. Barry. Araminta, wife to Money-trap, very intimate with Clarissa, of the same humour. Mrs. Porter. Corinna, daughter to Gripe by a former wife, a good fortune, young, and kept very close by her father. Mrs. Bradshaw. Flippanta, Clarissa's maid. Mrs. Bracegirdle. Mrs. Amlet, a seller of all sorts of private affairs to the ladies. Mrs. Willis. Mrs. Cloggit her neighbour. Mrs. Baker. THE CONFEDERACY. G AC T I. S C E N E I. S C EN E Covent-garden. Enter Mrs. Amlet and Mrs. Cloggit, meeting. Amlet. ood-morrow, neighbour; good-morrow, neighbour Cloggit! How does all at your house this morning? Clog. Think you kindly, Mrs. Amlet, thank you kindly; how do you do, I pray? Aml. At the old rate, neighbour, poor and honest; these are hard times, good lack. Clog. If they are hard with you, what are they with us? You have a good trade going, all the great folks in town help off with your merchandize. Aml. Yes, they do help us off with 'em indeed; they buy all. Clog. And pay—— Aml. For some. Clog. Well, 'tis a thousand pities, Mrs. Amlet, they are not as ready at one, as they are at t'other: For, not to wrong 'em, they give very good rates. Aml. O for that, let us do them justice, neighbour; they never make two words upon the price, all they haggle about is the day of payment. Clog. There's all the dispute, as you say. Aml. But that's a wicked one: For my part, neighbour, I'm just tir'd off my legs with trotting after 'em; beside, it eats out all our profit. Would you believe it, Mrs. Cloggit, I have worn out four pair of pattens, with following my old Lady Youthful, for one set of false teeth, and but three pots of paint. Clog. Look you there now. Aml. If they would but once let me get enough by 'em, to keep a coach to carry me a dunning after 'em, there would be some conscience in it. Clog. Ay, that were something. But now you talk of conscience, Mrs. Amlet, how do you speed among your city customers? Aml. My city customers! Now by my truth, neighbour, between the city and the court (with reverence be it spoken) there's not a —— to choose. My ladies in the city in times past, were as full of gold as they were of religion, and as punctual in their payments as they were of their prayers; but since they have set their minds upon quality, adieu one, adieu t'other, their money and their conscience are gone, heaven knows where. There is not a goldsmith's wife to be found in town, but's as hard-hearted as an ancient judge, and as poor as a towering dutchess. Clog. But what the murrain have they to do with quality, why don't their husbands make e'm mind their shops? Aml. Their husbands! their husbands, say'st thou, woman? alack, alack, they mind their husbands, neighbour, no more than they do a sermon. Clog. Good lack-a-day, that women born of sober parents, should be prone to follow ill examples! But now we talk of quality, when did you hear of your son Richard, Mrs. Amlet? My daughter Flip. says she met him t'other day in a lac'd coat, with three fine ladies, his footman at his heels, and as gay as a bridegroom. Aml. Is it possible? Ah the rogue! well, neighbour, all's well that ends well; but Dick will be hang'd. Clog. That were pity. Aml. Pity indeed; for he's a hopeful young man to look on; but he leads a life——Well——where he has it, heav'n knows; but they say, he pays his club with the best of 'em. I have seen him but once these three months, neighbour, and then the varlet wanted money; but I bid him march, and march he did to some purpose; for in less than an hour, back comes my gentleman into the house, walks to and fro in the room, with his wig over his shoulder, his hat on one side, whistling a minuet, and tossing a purse of gold from one hand to t'other, with no more respect (heaven bless us!) than if it had been an orange. Sirrah, says I, where have you got that? He answers me never a word, but sets his arms a kimbo, cocks his saucy hat in my face, turns about upon his ungracious heel, as much as to say kiss—and I've never set my eye on him since. Clog. Look you there now; to see what the youth of this age are come to! Aml. See what they will come to, neighbour. Heaven shield, I say; but Dick's upon the gallop. Well, I must bid you good-morrow; I'm going where I doubt I shall meet but a sorry welcome. Clog. To get in some old debt, I'll warrant you? Aml. Neither better or worse. Clog. From a lady of quality? Aml. No, she's but a scrivener's wife; but she lives as well, and pays as ill, as the stateliest countess of 'em all. [Exeunt several ways. Enter Brass solus. Brass. Well, surely thro' the world's wide extent, there never appeared so impudent a fellow as my schoolfellow Dick, pass himself upon the town for a gentleman, drop into all the best company with an easy air, as if his natural element were in the sphere of quality; when the rogue had a kettle-drum to his father, who was hang'd for robbing a church, and has a pedlar to his mother, who carries her shop under her arm. But here he comes. Enter Dick. Dick. Well, Brass, what news? Hast thou given my letter to Flippanta? Brass. I'm but just come; I han't knock'd at the door yet. But I have a damn'd piece of news for you. Dick. As how? Brass. We must quit this country. Dick. We'll be hang'd first. Brass. So you will if you stay. Dick. Why, what's the matter? Brass. There's a storm a coming. Dick. From whence? Brass. From the worst point in the compass, the law. Dick. The law! Why what have I to do with the law? Brass. Nothing; and therefore it has something to do with you. Dick. Explain. Brass. You know you cheated a young fellow at picquet t'other day, of the money he had to raise his company. Dick. Well, what then? Brass. Why he's sorry he lost it. Dick. Who doubts that? Brass. Ay, but that's not all, he's such a fool to think of complaining on't. Dick. Then I must be so wise as to stop his mouth. Brass. How? Dick. Give him a little back; if that won't do, strangle him. Brass. You are very quick in your methods. Dick. Men must be so that will dispatch business. Brass. Hark you, Colonel, your father dy'd in's bed? Dick. He might have done if he had not been a fool. Brass. Why, he robbed a church. Dick. Ay, but he forgot to make sure of the sexton. Brass. Are not you a great rogue? Dick. Or I should wear worse clothes. Brass. Hark you, I would advise you to change your life. Dick. And turn ballad-singer. Brass. Not so neither. Dick. What then? Brass. Why, if you can get this young wench, reform, and live honest. Dick. That's the way to be starv'd. Brass. No, she has money enough to buy you a good place, and pay me into the bargain for helping her to so good a match. You have but this throw left to save you, for you are not ignorant, youngster, that your morals begin to be pretty well known about town; have a care your noble birth and your honourable relations are not discovered too: there needs but that to have you toss'd in a blanket, for the entertainment of the first company of ladies you intrude into: and then like a dutiful son, you may dangle about with your mother, and sell paint: she's old and weak, and wants somebody to carry her goods after her. How like a dog will you look, with a pair of plod shoes, your hair crop'd up to your ears, and a band-box under your arm? Dick. Why faith, Brass, I think thou art in the right on't; I must fix my affairs quickly, or Madam Fortune will be playing some of her bitch-tricks with me: therefore I'll tell thee what we'll do; we'll pursue this old rogue's daughter heartily; we'll cheat his family to purpose, and they shall atone for the rest of mankind. Brass. Have at her then, I'll about your business presently. Dick. One kiss——and success attend thee. [Exit Dick. Brass. A great rogue——Well, I say nothing. But when I have got the thing into a good posture, he shall sign and seal, or I'll have him tumbled out of the house like a cheese. Now for Flippanta. [He knocks. Enter Flippanta. Flip. Who's that? Brass! Brass. Flippanta! Flip. What want you, rogue's-face? Brass. Is your mistress dress'd? Flip. What, already? Is the fellow drunk? Brass. Why, with respect to her looking-glass, it's almost two. Flip. What then, fool? Brass. Why then it's time for the mistress of the house to come down, and look after her family. Flip. Pr'ythee don't be an owl. Those that go to bed at night may rise in the morning; we that go to bed in the morning rise in the afternoon. Brass. When does she make her visits then? Flip. By candle-light; it helps off a muddy complexion; we women hate inquisitive sun-shine: but do you know that my Lady is going to turn good housewife? Brass. What, is she going to die? Flip. Die! Brass. Why, that's the only way to save money for her family. Flip. No; but she has thought of a project to save chair-hire. Brass. As how? Flip. Why all the company she us'd to keep abroad she now intends shall meet at her own house. Your master has advis'd her to set up a basset-table. Brass. Nay, if he advis'd her to it, it's right; but has she acquainted her husband with it yet? Flip. What to do? When the company meet he'll see them. Brass. Nay, that's true, as you say, he'll know it soon enough. Flip. Well, I must be gone; have you any business with my Lady? Brass. Yes; as ambassador from Araminta, I have a letter for her. Flip. Give it me. Brass. Hold——and as first minister of state to the Colonel, I have an affair to communicate to thee. Flip. What is't? quick. Brass. Why——he's in love. Flip. With what? Brass. A woman——and her money together. Flip. Who is she? Brass. Corinna. Flip. What wou'd he be at? Brass. At her——if she's at leisure. Flip. Which way? Brass. Honourably——he has ordered me to demand her of thee in marriage. Flip. Of me? Brass. Why, when a man of quality has a mind to a city-fortune, would'st have him apply to her father and mother? Flip. No. Brass. No, so I think: men of our end of the town are better bred than to use ceremony. With a long perriwig we strike the lady, with a you-know-what we soften the maid; and when the parson has done his job, we open the affair to the family. Will you slip this letter into her prayer-book, my little queen? It's a very passionate one——It's seal'd with a heart and a dagger; you may see by that what he intends to do with himself. Flip. Are there any verses in it? If not, I won't touch it. Brass. Not one word in prose, it's dated in rhyme. [She takes it. Flip. Well, but have you brought nothing else? Brass. Gad forgive me; I'm the forgetfullest dog——I have a letter for you too——here——'tis in a purse, but it's in prose, you won't touch it. Flip. Yes, hang it, it is not good to be too dainty. Brass. How useful a virtue is humility! Well, child, we shall have an answer to-morrow, shan't we? Flip. I can't promise you that; for our young gentlewoman is not so often in my way as she would be. Her father (who is a citizen from the foot to the forehead of him) lets her seldom converse with her mother-in-law and me, for fear she should learn the airs of a woman of quality. But I'll take the first occasion: see, there's my lady, go in and deliver your letter to her. [Exeunt. S CEN E, a Parlour. Enter Clarissa, follow'd by Flippanta and Brass. Clar. No messages this morning from any body, Flippanta? Lard how dull that is! O, there's Brass! I did not see thee, Brass. What news dost thou bring? Brass. Only a letter from Araminta, Madam. Clar. Give it me——open it for me, Flippanta, I am so lazy to-day. [Sitting down. Brass. [To Flip.] Be sure now you deliver my master's as carefully as I do this. Flip. Don't trouble thyself, I'm no novice. Clar. [to Brass.] 'Tis well, there needs no answer, since she'll be here so soon. Brass. Your ladyship has no farther commands then? Clar. Not at this time, honest Brass. Flippanta! [Exit Brass. Flip. Madam. Clar. My husband's in love. Flip. In love? Clar. With Araminta. Flip. Impossible! Clar. This letter from her, is to give me an account of it. Flip. Methinks you are not very much alarm'd. Clar. No; thou know'st I'm not much tortur'd with jealousy. Flip. Nay, you are much in the right on't, Madam, for jealousy's a city passion, 'tis a thing unknown amongst people of quality. Clar. Fy! A woman must indeed be of a mechanick mould, who is either troubled or pleas'd with any thing her husband can do to her. Pr'ythee mention him no more; 'tis the dullest theme. Flip. 'Tis splenetick indeed. But when once you open your basset table, I hope that will put him out of your head. Clar. Alas, Flippanta, I begin to grow weary even of the thoughts of that too. Flip. How so? Clar. Why, I have thought on't a day and a night already, and four and twenty hours, thou know'st, is enough to make one weary of any thing. Flip. Now by my conscience, you have more woman in you than all your sex together: you never know what you would have. Clar. Thou mistakest the thing quite. I always know what I lack, but I am never pleas'd with what I have. The want of a thing is perplexing enough, but the possession of it is intolerable. Flip. Well, I don't know what you are made of, but other women would think themselves blest in your case; handsome, witty, lov'd by every body, and of so happy a composure, to care a fig for nobody. You have no one passion, but that of your pleasures, and you have in me a servant devoted to all your desires, let them be as extravagant as they will: yet all this is nothing; you can still be out of humour. Clar. Alas, I have but too much cause. Flip. Why, what have you to complain of? Clar. Alas, I have more subjects for spleen than one: is it not a most horrible thing that I should be but a scrivener's wife?—Come,——don't flatter me, don't you think nature design'd me for something plus elevé? Flip. Nay, that's certain; but on the other side, methinks, you ought to be in some measure content, since you live like a woman of quality, tho' you are none. Clar. O fy! the very quintessence of it is wanting. Flip. What's that? Clar. Why, I dare abuse nobody: I'm afraid to affront people, tho' I don't like their faces; or to ruin their reputations, tho' they pique me to it, by taking ever so much pains to preserve 'em: I dare not raise a lye of a man, tho' he neglects to make love to me; nor report a woman to be a fool, tho' she's handsomer than I am. In short, I dare not so much as bid my footman kick the people out of doors, tho' they come to ask me for what I owe them. Flip. All this is very hard indeed. Clar. Ah, Flippanta, the perquisites of quality are of an unspeakable value. Flip. They are of some use, I must confess; but we must not expect to have every thing. You have wit and beauty, and a fool to your husband: come come, madam, that's a good portion for one. Clar. Alas, what signifies beauty and wit, when one dares neither jilt the men nor abuse the women? 'Tis a sad thing, Flippanta, when wit's confin'd, 'tis worse than the rising of the lights; I have been sometimes almost choak'd with scandal, and durst not cough it up for want of being a countess. Flip. Poor lady! Clar. O! Liberty is a fine thing, Flippanta; it's a great help in conversation to have leave to say what one will. I have seen a woman of quality, who has not had one grain of wit, entertain a whole company the most agreeably in the world, only with her malice. But 'tis in vain to repine, I can't mend my condition, till my husband dies: so I'll say no more on't, but think of making the most of the state I am in. Flip. That's your best way, madam; and in order to it, pray consider how you'll get some ready money to set your basset-table a going; for that's necessary. Clar. Thou say'st true; but what trick I shall play my husband to get some, I don't know: for my pretence of losing my diamond necklace has put the man into such a passion, I'm afraid he won't hear reason. Flip. No matter; he begins to think 'tis lost in earnest: so I fancy you may venture to sell it, and raise money that way. Clar. That can't be, for he has left odious notes with all the goldsmiths in town. Flip. Well, we must pawn it then. Clar. I'm quite tir'd with dealing with those pawnbrokers. Flip. I'm afraid you'll continue the trade a great while, for all that. [Aside. Enter Jessamin. Jess. Madam, there's the woman below that sells paint and patches, iron boddice, false teeth, and all sorts of things to the ladies; I can't think of her name. Flip. 'Tis Mrs. Amlet, she wants money. Clar. Well, I han't enough for myself, it's an unreasonable thing she should think I have any for her. Flip. She's a troublesome jade. Clar. So are all people that come a dunning. Flip. What will you do with her? Clar. I have just now thought on't. She's very rich, that woman is, Flippanta, I'll borrow some money of her. Flip. Borrow! sure you jest, madam. Clar. No, I'm in earnest; I give thee commission to do it for me. Flip. Me! Clar. Why dost thou stare, and look so ungainly? Don't I speak to be understood? Flip. Yes, I understand you well enough; but Mrs. Amlet—— Clar. But Mrs. Amlet must lend me some money, where shall I have any to pay her else? Flip. That's true; I never thought of that truly. But here she is. Enter Mrs. Amlet. Clar. How d'you do? How d'you do, Mrs. Amlet? I han't seen you these thousand years, and yet I believe I'm down in your books. Aml. O, Madam, I don't come for that, alack. Flip. Good-morrow, Mrs. Amlet. Aml. Good-morrow, Mrs. Flippanta. Clar. How much am I indebted to you, Mrs. Amlet? Aml. Nay, if your ladyship desires to see your bill, I believe I may have it about me.—There, Madam, if it ben't too much fatigue to you to look it over. Clar. Let me see it, for I hate to be in debt, where I am obliged to pay. [Aside.]——Reads.] Imprimis, For bolstering out the Countess of Crump's left hip——O fy, this does not belong to me. Aml. I beg your Ladyship's pardon. I mistook indeed; 'tis a countess's bill I have writ out to little purpose. I furnish'd her two years ago with three pair of hips, and am not paid for them yet: but some are better customers than some. There's your Ladyship's bill, Madam. Clar. For the idea of a new invented commode.——Ay, this may be mine, but 'tis of a preposterous length. Do you think I can waste time to read every article, Mrs. Amlet? I'd as lief read a sermon. Aml. Alack-a-day, there's no need of fatiguing yourself at that rate; cast an eye only, if your honour pleases, upon the sum total. Clar. Total; fifty-six pounds—and odd things. Flip. But six and fifty pounds! Aml. Nay, another body would have made it twice as much; but there's a blessing goes along with a moderate profit. Clar. Flippanta, go to my cashier, let him give you six and fifty pounds. Make haste: don't you hear me? Six and fifty pounds. Is it so difficult to be comprehended? Flip. No, Madam, I, I comprehend six and fifty pounds, but—— Clar. But go and fetch it then. Flip. What she means, I don't know; [Aside.] but I shall, I suppose, before I bring her the money. [Exit. Flip. Clar. [Setting her hair in a pocket glass.] The trade you follow gives you a great deal of trouble, Mrs. Amlet. Aml. Alack-a-day, a world of pain, Madam, and yet there's small profit, as your honour sees by your bill. Clar. Poor woman! sometimes you have great losses, Mrs. Amlet? Aml. I have two thousand pounds owing me, of which I shall never get ten shillings. Clar. Poor woman! You have a great charge of children, Mrs. Amlet? Aml. Only one wicked rogue, Madam, who I think, will break my heart. Clar. Poor woman! Aml. He'll be hang'd, Madam——that will be the end of him. Where he gets it, heav'n knows; but he's always shaking his heels with the ladies, and his elbows with the lords. He's as fine as a prince, and as grim as the best of them; but the ungracious rogue tells all that comes near that his mother is dead, and I am but his nurse. Clar. Poor woman! Aml. Alas, Madam, he's like the rest of the world; every body's for appearing to be more than they are, and that ruins all. Clar. Well, Mrs. Amlet, you'll excuse me, I have a little business, Flippanta will bring you your money presently. Adieu, Mrs. Amlet. [Exit Clarissa. Aml. I return your honour many thanks [Sola.] Ah, there's my good lady, not so much as read her bill; if the rest were like her, I should soon have money enough to go as fine as Dick himself. Enter Dick. Dick. Sure Flippanta must have given my letter by this time; [Aside.] I long to know how it has been received. Aml. Misericorde! what do I see! Dick. Fiends and hags—the witch my mother! Aml. Nay, 'tis he! ah, my poor Dick, what art thou doing here? Dick. What a misfortune—— [Aside. Aml. Good lard! how bravely deck'd art thou. But it's all one, I am thy mother still: and tho' thou art a wicked child, nature will speak, I love thee still, ah, Dick, my poor Dick. [Embracing him. Dick. Blood and thunder! will you ruin me? [Breaking from her. Aml. Ah the blasphemous rogue, how he swears! Dick. You destroy all my hopes. Aml. Will your mother's kiss destroy you, varlet? Thou art an ungracious bird; kneel down, and ask my blessing, sirrah. Dick. Death and furies! Aml. Ah, he's a proper young man, see what a shape he has: ah, poor child. [Running to embrace him, he still avoiding her. Dick. Oons, keep off, the woman's mad. If any body comes, my fortune's lost. Aml. What fortune, ah? speak, graceless. Ah Dick, thou'lt be hang'd, Dick. Dick. Good, dear mother, now don't call me Dick here. Aml. Not call thee Dick! Is not that thy name? What shall I call thee? Mr. Amlet? ha! Art not thou a presumptuous rascal? Hark you, sirrah, I hear of your tricks; you disown me for your mother, and say I'm but your nurse. Is not this true? Dick. No, I love you; I respect you; [Taking her hand.] I am all duty. But if you discover me here, you ruin the fairest prospect that man ever had. Aml. What prospect? ha! come, this is a lie now. Dick. No, my honour'd parent, what I say is true, I'm about a great fortune, I'll bring you home a daughter-in-law, in a coach and six horses, if you'll but be quiet; I can't tell you more now. Aml. Is it possible! Dick. It's true, by Jupiter. Aml. My dear lad—— Dick. For Heaven's sake—— Aml. But tell me, Dick—— Dick. I'll follow you home in a moment, and tell you all. Aml. What a shape is there—— Dick. Pray mother go. Aml. I must receive some money here first, which shall go for thy wedding-dinner. Dick. Here's somebody coming; s'death, she'll betray me. Enter Flippanta. [He makes signs to his Mother. Dick. Good-morrow, dear Flippanta; how do all the ladies within? Flip. At your service, Colonel; as far at least as my interest goes. Aml. Colonel!—Law you now, how Dick's respected! [Aside. Dick. Waiting for thee, Flippanta, I was making acquaintance with this old gentlewoman here. Aml. The pretty lad, he's as impudent as a Page. [Aside. Dick. Who is this good woman, Flippanta? Flip. A gin of all trades; an old daggling cheat, that hobbles about from house to house to bubble the ladies of their money. I have a small business of your's in my pocket, Colonel. Dick. An answer to my letter? Flip. So quick indeed! No, it's your letter itself. Dick. Hast thou not given it then yet? Flip. I han't had an opportunity; but 'twon't be long first. Won't you go in and see my Lady? Dick. Yes, I'll go make her a short visit. But dear Flippanta, don't forget: my life and fortune are in your hands. Flip. Ne'er fear, I'll take care of 'em. Aml. How he traps 'em; let Dick alone. [Aside. Dick. Your servant, good Madam. [To his Mother. [Exit Dick. Aml. Your Honour's most devoted.—A pretty, civil, well-bred gentleman this, Mrs. Flippanta. Pray whom may he be? Flip. A man of great note; Colonel Shapely. Aml. Is it possible! I have heard much of him indeed, but never saw him before: one may see quality in every limb of him: he's a fine man truly. Flip. I think you are in love with him, Mrs. Amlet. Aml. Alas, those days are done with me; but if I were as fair as I was once, and had as much money as some folks, Colonel Shapely should not catch cold for want of a bed-fellow. I love your men of rank, they have something in their air does so distinguish 'em from the rascality. Flip. People of Quality are fine things indeed, Mrs. Amlet, if they had but a little more money; but for want of that, they are forced to do things their great souls are asham'd of. For example—here's my Lady—she owes you but six and fifty pounds—— Aml. Well! Flip. And she has it not by her to pay you. Aml. How can that be? Flip. I don't know; her cash-keeper's out of humour, he says he has no money. Aml. What a presumptuous piece of vermin is a cash-keeper! Tell his Lady he has no money?—Now, Mrs. Flippanta, you may see his bags are full by his being so saucy. Flip. If they are, there's no help for't; he'll do what he pleases, till he comes to make up his yearly accounts. Aml. But Madam plays sometimes, so when she has good fortune, she may pay me out of her winnings. Flip. O ne'er think of that, Mrs. Amlet: if she had won a thousand pounds, she'd rather die in a gaol, than pay off a farthing with it; play money, Mrs. Amlet, amongst people of quality, is a sacred thing, and not to be profan'd. 'Tis consecrated to their pleasures, 'twould be sacrilege to pay their debts with it. Aml. Why what shall we do then? For I han't one penny to buy bread. Flip.——I'll tell you——it just now comes in my head: I know my Lady has a little occasion for money at this time; so ——if you lend her——a hundred pounds——do you see, then she may pay you your six and fifty out of it. Aml. Sure, Mrs. Flippanta, you think to make a fool of me. Flip. No, the Devil fetch me if I do——You shall have a diamond necklace in pawn. Aml. O ho, a pawn! That's another case. And when must she have this money? Flip. In a quarter of an hour. Aml. Say no more. Bring the necklace to my house, it shall be ready for you. Flip. I'll be with you in a moment. Aml. Adieu, Mrs. Flippanta. Flip. Adieu, Mrs. Amlet. [Exit Amlet. Flippanta sola. So——this ready money will make us all happy. This spring will set our basset going, and that's a wheel will turn twenty others. My Lady's young and handsome; she'll have a dozen intrigues upon her hands, before she has been twice at her prayers. So much the better; the more the grist, the richer the miller. Sure never wench got into so hopeful a place: Here's a fortune to be sold, a mistress to be debauched, and a master to be ruin'd. If I don't feather my nest, and get a good husband, I deserve to die both a maid and a beggar. [Exeunt. AC T II. S CEN E, Mr. Gripe's House. Enter Clarissa and Dick. Clar. W hat in the name of dulness is the matter with you, Colonel? you are as studious as a crack'd chymist. Dick. My head, Madam, is full of your husband. Clar. The worst furniture for a head in the universe. Dick. I am thinking of his passion for your friend Araminta. Clar. Passion!—--Dear Colonel, give it a less violent name. Enter Brass. Dick. Well, Sir, what want you? Brass. The affair I told you of goes ill. [To Dick, aside.] There's an action out. Dick. The Devil there is! Clar. What news brings Brass? Dick. Before Gad I cannot tell, Madam; the dog will never speak out. My Lord what-d'ye-call him waits, for me at my lodging: Is not that it? Brass. Yes, Sir. Dick. Madam, I ask your pardon. Clar. Your servant, Sir. [Exeunt Dick and Brass. Jessamin! [She sits down. Enter Jessamin. Jes. Madam. Clar. Where's Corinna? Call her to me, if her father han't lock'd her up: I want her company. Jes. Madam, her guitar-master is with her. Clar. Psha! she's taken up with her impertinent Guitar-Man. Flippanta stays an age with that old fool, Mrs. Amlet. And Araminta, before she can come abroad, is so long a placing her coquet-patch, that I must be a year without company. How insupportable is a moment's uneasiness to a woman of spirit and pleasure! Enter Flippanta. Clar. O, art thou come at last? Pr'ythee, Flippanta, learn to move a little quicker, thou know'st how impatient I am. Flip. Yes, when you expect money: If you had sent me to buy a Prayer-Book, you'd have thought I had flown. Clar. Well, hast thou brought me any, after all? Flip. Yes, I have brought some. There [Giving her a purse.] the old hag has struck off her bill, the rest is in that purse. Clar. 'Tis well; but take care, Flippanta, my husband don't suspect any thing of this; 'twould vex him, and I don't love to make him uneasy: So I would spare him these little sort of troubles, by keeping 'em from his knowledge. Flip. See the tenderness she has for him, and yet he's always complaining of you. Clar. 'Tis the nature of 'em, Flippanta; a husband is a growling animal. Flip. How exactly you define 'em! Clar. O! I know 'em, Flippanta: though I confess my poor wretch diverts me sometimes with his ill-humours. I wish he wou'd quarrel with me to-day a little, to pass away the time, for I find myself in a violent spleen. Flip. Why, if you please to drop yourself in his way, six to four but he scolds one rubbers with you. Clar. Ay, but thou know'st he's as uncertain as the wind; and if instead of quarrelling with me, he should chance to be fond, he'd make me as sick as a dog. Flip. If he's kind, you must provoke him; if he kisses you, spit in his face. Clar. Alas, when men are in the kissing fit, (like lap-dogs) they take that for a favour. Flip. Nay, then, I don't know what you'll do with him. Clar. I'll e'en do nothing at all with him——Flippanta. [Yawning. Flip. Madam. Clar. My hood and scarf, and a coach to the door. Flip. Why, whither are you going? Clar. I can't tell yet, but I would go spend some money, since I have it. Flip. Why, you want nothing that I know of. Clar. How aukward an objection now is that, as if a woman of education bought things because she wanted 'em. Quality always distinguishes itself; and therefore, as the mechanick people buy things, because they have occasion for 'em, you see women of rank always buy things because they have not occasion for 'em. Now, there, Flippanta, you see the difference between a woman that has breeding, and one that has none. O ho, here's Araminta come at last. Enter Araminta. Clar. Lard, what a tedious while you have let me expect you! I was afraid you were not well; how d'ye do to-day? Aram. As well as a woman can do, that has not slept all night. Flip. Methinks, Madam, you are pretty well-awake, however. Aram. O, 'tis not a little thing will make a woman of my vigour look drowsy. Clar. But, pr'ythee, what was't disturb'd you? Aram. Not your husband, don't trouble yourself; at least, I am not in love with him yet. Clar. Well remember'd, I had quite forgot that matter. I wish you much joy, you have made a noble conquest indeed. Aram. But now I have subdu'd the country, pray is it worth my keeping? You know the ground, you have try'd it. Clar. A barren soil, heaven can tell. Aram. Yet if it were well cultivated, it would produce something to my knowledge. Do you know 'tis in my power to ruin this poor thing of yours? His whole Estate is at my Service. Flip. Cods-fish, strike him, Madam, and let my Lady go your halves. There's no sin in plundering a husband, so his wife has share of the booty. Aram. Whenever she gives me her orders, I shall be very ready to obey 'em. Clar. Why, as odd a thing as such a project may seem, Araminta, I believe I shall have a little serious discourse with you about it. But, pr'ythee, tell me how you have pass'd the night? For I am sure your mind has been roving upon some pretty thing or other. Aram. Why, I have been studying all the ways my brain could produce to plague my husband. Clar. No wonder indeed you look so fresh this morning, after the satisfaction of such pleasing ideas all night. Aram. Why, can a woman do less than study mischief, when she has tumbled and toss'd herself into a burning-fever, for want of sleep, and sees a fellow lie snoring by her, stock-still, in a fine breathing sweat? Clar. Now see the difference of women's tempers: If my dear would make but one nap of his whole life, and only waken to make his will, I shou'd be the happiest wife in the universe. But we'll discourse more of these matters as we go, for I must make a tour among the Shops. Aram. I have a coach waits at the door, we'll talk of 'em as we rattle along. Clar. The best place in nature, for you know a hackney-coach is a natural enemy to a husband. [Exit Clar. and Aram. Flippanta sola. What a pretty little pair of amiable persons are there gone to hold a council of war together! Poor birds! What would they do with their time, if the plaguing their husbands did not help 'em to employment! Well, if idleness be the root of all evil, then matrimony's good for something, for it sets many a poor woman to work. But here comes Miss. I hope I shall help her into the Holy State too ere long. And when she's once there, if she don't play her part as well as the best of 'em, I'm mistaken. Han't I lost the letter I'm to give her?——No, here 'tis; so, now we shall see how pure nature will work with her, for art she knows none yet. Enter Corinna. Cor. What does my mother-in-law want with me, Flippanta? They tell me, she was asking for me. Flip. She's just gone out, so I suppose 'twas no great business. Cor. Then I'll go into my chamber again.