Neverisms A QUOTATION LOVER’S GUIDE TO THINGS YOU SHOULD NEVER DO, NEVER SAY, OR NEVER FORGET Dr. Mardy Grothe Dedication To Carolanne and Linnda, with deep gratitude Contents Dedication Introduction One Never Go to a Doctor Whose Office Plants Have Died (Wit & Wordplay) Two Never Let a Crisis Go to Waste (Words to Live By) Three Never Give Advice Unless Asked (Advice) Four Never Put Off Till Tomorrow What You Can Do Today (Classic Neverisms) Five Never Underestimate the Power of a Woman: And a Lot of Other Things as Well (“Never Underestimate” Neverisms) Six Never Trust a Computer You Can’t Lift (“Never Trust” Neverisms) Seven Never Give In. Never, Never, Never, Never! (Multiple Neverisms) Eight Never Persist in Trying to Set People Right (Human Relationships) Nine Never Approach a Woman from Behind (Sex, Love & Romance) Ten Never Change Diapers in MidStream (Marriage, Home & Family Life) Eleven Never Mention a No-Hitter While It’s in Progress (Sports) Twelve Never Get Caught in Bed with a Live Man or a Dead Woman (Politics & Government) Thirteen Never Coddle a Malcontent (Business & Management) Fourteen Never Have Your Dog Stuffed (Book, Song & Movie Titles) Fifteen Never Judge a Book by Its Movie (Stage & Screen) Sixteen Never Answer an Anonymous Letter (Oxymoronic & Paradoxical Neverisms) Seventeen Never Cut What You Can Untie (Metaphorical Neverisms) Eighteen Never Use a Long Word Where a Short One Will Do (The Literary Life) Acknowledgments Index About the Author Also by Dr. Mardy Grothe Copyright About the Publisher Introduction For as long as humans have been able to communicate, they’ve used language to influence one another. Often, these attempts at influence take the form of urging people to live their lives according to a guiding principle or rule of conduct: Try to be a little kinder than is necessary. Make every effort to do what you are afraid to do. Be smarter than the people who hire you. When people state something as a rule, they are suggesting that the principle is an important one. Occasionally, they consider the principle to be so critically important they express it more forcefully, or even unequivocally: Always try to be a little kinder than is necessary. J. M. BARRIE Always do what you are afraid to do. RALPH WALDO EMERSON Always be smarter than the people who hire you. LENA HORNE When attempts to influence are stated unequivocally, people move from mere suggestion to the more compelling arena of exhortation. The American Heritage Dictionary (AHD) defines the verb exhort this way: To urge by strong, often stirring argument, admonition, advice, or appeal. Derived from the Latin exhortor, meaning “to encourage,” the root sense of the term is to urge or spur someone on. Exhortation is the perfect word to describe the three quotations above, each of which is an earnest attempt to persuade people to take a recommended course of action or embrace an idea. History is also filled with equally strong attempts to discourage people from a certain practice or to dissuade them from a course of action. Never judge a book by its cover. Never swap horses in midstream. Never look a gift horse in the mouth. Instead of recommending that people do something, these sayings strongly urge people not to do—indeed, never to do—something. What is the proper term for such negatively phrased exhortations? One obvious candidate, of course, is admonition, which has two meanings: (1) a gentle reproof, and (2) cautionary advice or warning. The first meaning shows up, for example, when a teacher admonishes a child for being late to class or a boss admonishes an employee for being careless. It is the second meaning that applies to our current discussion. In a usage note, the editors of the AHD write: Admonish implies the giving of advice or a warning so that a fault can be rectified or a danger avoided. The term admonition nicely describes each of the three proverbial sayings presented a moment ago. Each one could even be rephrased to emphasize the fault or danger element (as in, “Never make the mistake of judging a book by its cover”). The three following sayings could also be accurately described as admonitions: Never send a boy to do a man’s job. Never underestimate the power of a woman. Never put off till tomorrow what you can do today. As would these cautionary warnings from influential thinkers in ancient history: Never travel with a friend who deserts you at the first sign of danger. AESOP, 6th century B.C. Never contract friendship with a man who is not better than thyself. CONFUCIUS, 6th century B.C. In a case of dissension, never dare to judge until you have heard the other side. EURIPIDES, 5th century B.C. Never ask the gods for a life set free from grief, but ask for courage that endureth long. MENANDER, 4th century B.C. While admonition is a perfectly fine term to use when describing strongly worded cautionary warnings, there is another word that is, technically speaking, even more accurate. It is the antonym of exhortation. But unless you have the vocabulary of a five-time Jeopardy! champ or you’re a professor of rhetoric, the word is almost certainly not in your current vocabulary. The exact opposite of exhortation is dehortation. The Oxford English Dictionary (OED) defines dehortation this way: “The act of dehorting from a course of action; earnest dissuasion.” This doesn’t help very much, but the OED’s entry on dehort makes it clearer: To use exhortation to dissuade from a course or purpose;