MR DARCY’S GUIDE TO COURTSHIP Fitzwilliam Darcy As dictated to Miss Emily Brand 1812 Dedicated to Mr. Charles Bingley. May this cure you once and for all of your utterly disastrous taste in females. To Court. v.a [from the noun.] To woo; to solicit a woman to marriage. – Dr Johnson’s Dictionary, 1755 PREFACE THE modern modes of courtship being, as they are, perfectly abominable, I am convinced that no apology is required for the publication of this small volume on the subject. The unbridled improprieties daily to be observed in the conduct of young lovers are manifest even in the most fashionable circles, rendering many otherwise amiable creatures as disgusting to society as they are dangerous to themselves. These counsels were originally composed for the benefit of an esteemed friend, whose virtuous heart, open countenance, and almost cretinous inability to detect a lady of dubious intentions have conspired to disappoint him in affairs of the heart three times in as many months. In making them available to a general audience I hope to restore some decorum to modern romance, and to show how amorous addresses may efficiently and successfully be brought to a conclusion. I presume that no introduction as to the particulars of my character and social standing are required, and I shall not waste my time and ink in relaying them. My repose being relentlessly disturbed by the swoons of passing ladies, I have long suspected that something in my countenance is irresistibly pleasing to the fairer sex. I flatter myself that being in possession of noble blood, a considerable estate, and being generally owned to be the most eligible bachelor in Derbyshire – in short a gentleman of great parts – I am quite qualified to pen a few short words on this delicate subject. Indeed, undisturbed as I am by the burdens attending the maintenance of a wife, I believe I shall suffer no check to the strength of my genius from beginning to end. I am not at all solicitous to know whether the reader likes it or not; I am quite confident that it will commend itself to men and women of understanding, and therefore whosoever dislikes it deserves no claim to that title. I certainly have no reason to make apologies for the imbecility of my reader. February 1812 PREFACE TO THE SECOND EDITION AS GOOD WINE needs no bush, so neither does this second edition of Mr Darcy’s Guide to Courtship stand in need of a commendatory epistle. The remarkable quality of the insights afforded by the original volume precluded any personal astonishment at the violence of the popular response, but I admit to being rather ill-prepared for the disorder that has rained down on Pemberley in the intervening months. I have been deluged with letters from my readers – some noble and many, regrettably, vulgar – seeking advice on how they may better conduct their amours. Although I care not for indulging the whims of the common rabble, yet I will attempt to be civil to those who could at least construct a tolerable sentence: I conclude this revised edition with a selection of the complaints, to which is added my own honest counsel, and I trust that this puts an end to the matter. All missives received henceforth shall be promptly and unceremoniously dispatched to the fire. September 1812 CONTENTS I: Romance in the Regency Era II: Making Oneself Agreeable III: Selecting a Wife IV: Winning her Affections V: The Proposal VI: Ask Darcy Editor’s Note: There are some errata in this book, but the Author says he is too busy and important to give you a note of them.