IQjg^travel guide A LAND UNTOUCHED BY MODERN DENTISTRY SANTO CILAURO,TOM GLEISNER & ROB SITCH Brilliantly original and very, very funny' - BILL BRYSON Molvania -a land untouched by modern dentistry is the definitive guide to one of Eastern Europe's most overlooked destinations. Once known only by war historians and Soviet drug runners, this landlocked republic is nowfinally being discovered bythe discerning traveller. And this latest Jetlag guide offers allyou need to know about getting there, getting around and safely escaping the forgottenjewel that is Molvania. 'Chyear a mule. 'a -J- k t 1 ) I , (CoverPhoto)AMolvanianfarmeroffersaglass ofzeerstum(garlicbrandy}, traditionallyserved forbreakfastinmanypartsofthecountry. ^Q travel guide Molvanfa A LAND UNTOUCHED BY MODERN DENTISTRY... THE OVERLOOK PRESS Woodstock & NewYork FirstpublishedintheUnitedStatesin2004by TheOverlookPress,PeterMayerPublishersInc. Woodstock&NewYork WOODSTOCK: OneOverlookDrive Woodstock,NY 12498 www.overlookpress.com [forindividualorders,bulkandspecialsales,contactourWoodstockoffice] NEWYORK: 141WoosterStreet NewYork,NY 10012 Firstpublishedin2003by HardieGrantBooksinconjunctionwithWorkingDogPtyLtd HardieGrantBooks 12ClaremontStreet SouthYarraVictoria3141 Australia www.hardiegrant.com.au text©WorkingDogPtyLtd2003 photos©photographers2003 (seep4) maps&illustrations©WorkingDogPtyLtd2003 AllRightsReserved.Nopartofthispublicationmaybe Reproducedortransmittedinanyformorbyanymeans,electronic ormechanical,includingphotocopy,recording,oranyinformation storageandretrievalsystemnowknowntobeinventedwithout permissioninwritingfromthepublisher,exceptbyareviewerwho wishestoquotebriefpassagesinconnectionwithareviewwritten forinclusioninamagazine,newspaper,orbroadcast. @ Thepaperusedinthisbookmeetstherequirementsforpaper permanenceasdescribedintheANSIZ39.48-1992standard. Cataloging-in-PublicationDataisavailablefromtheLibraryofCongress JETLAG ™ UiUgJ Molvania™ www.molvania.com Thispublicationisaworkoffictionandanyreferencetorealevents orpersonsispurelycoincidental.Therepresentationofanyrealperson inaphotographorotherwiseismeantingoodfaithwithoutany intentiontoembarrassorcauseoffence,anddoesnotconstitute anendorsementofthispublicationbythatperson. ManufacturedinSingapore FirstEdition ISBN 1-58567-619-5 135798642 Szlengro! [Welcome! WrittenbySantoCilauro, Tom Gleisner& RobSitch EditedbyMartine Lleonart CoverandtextdesignTnsha Garner MapsbyTnsha Garner illustrations by Kinn Roberts pp 13, 16, 67, 76 PrintedandboundbyTienWah Press (PTE) in Singapore PHOTOGRAPHY: GiuseppeAlbo (deceased) pp 18, 25, 51, 60, 107, UO, U1, U6,167; BillBachnnan pp3, 8, 17, 28, 37, 38, 39, 42, 46, 52, 54, 61, 74, 77, 81, 86, 87, 108, 109, 123. 131, 143; Margtierita Cilauro pp 12, 23, 33,48, 57, 73, 81, 89, 96, 97, 106, 115, 144, 154; SantoCilauro pp 10-11, 15, 18, 22, 24. 26, 29, 30, 32, 34, 36.44-45, 56, 62-63, 67, 70, 73, 77, 82, 83, 85, 88-89, 90, 95. 100, 116, 117, 118- 19, 122, 129, 132, 138. 139. 156, 157, 161, 165, 171; EmmanuelSantospp22,33, 92, 111, 117, 121. 128, 138; Tom Gleisner pp 21, 23, 38, 44, 58, 61, 64, 66, 72, 78, 99, 130, 133, 151, 155, 158, 165; Pauline Hirsh pp 113, 144-145, 171, inside back cover ('Surviving Moustaschistan', 'Sailing the SyphoUos Straits'); Lonely Planet Images pp 9, 28, 55, 142, 148; Working Dog pp 7, 14, 31, 40. 41,107, 149, 174-75, 176, inside back cover ('Viva San Sombrero!', 'Aloha Takki Tikki', 'Let's go Bongoswana', 'Getting Round theTofu Islands'). THEAUTHORSWOULD LIKETOTHANK: ThefamilyofG.Albo, Liam Bradley, La Cannafamily, Mr& MrsA. Caruso & family, Debra Choate, Ciccarone family, Cilauro family (especially Vito and Nonno Santo), Kate Cody, Rees Cornwall, Frances Forrest, Sandy Grant, David Herman, Michael Hirsh, Pauline Hirsh, Jane Kennedy, Simon Kuszninczuk, Luisa Lamo, the town of Licodia Eubea, Lost Dogs Home, Simone Martin, Susannah Mott, Billy Pinnell, Marianne Raftopoulos, Amanda Seiffert, Greg Sitch, Julie Thomas, PollyWatkins. Contents lUIO O IIHIUULICUUH ^Oly^H\^ -fttimg started 12_History 17_NationalAnthem 18_Geography20_ThePeopLe 22_Sports 24_ReLigion 26_TheLanguage 28_Food&Drink 30_Music32_TheatreArt&Literature 33_NewspapersFi[m&Video 34_TV35_WhenToGo 36_Cnme37_WomenTraveUers 37_GayTrave[[ers 38_UsefulFacts LUTENBLAG [Lutnblaag] 46_Genera[ 48_How to Get Around 49_Where to Stay 52_Where to Eat 56_Entertainment 57_Highiights '^M THE MOLVANIAN ALPS [Alpj Molvanjka] 6'4_TheRegion 65_Svetranj 74 The Great Plain 76_Vajana 83_The Postenwalj Ranges THE EASTERN STEPPES [Stjppka Orjentlka] 90_TheRegion 91_Bardjov 99_Lublova 109 LakeSkrotuMIO Dzrebo THE WESTERN PLATEAU 120_TheRegion 121_Sasava 131_Sjerezo U1_LakeVjaza THE GREAT CENTRAL VALLEY U6_TheRegion U7_Jzerbo 156_Gyrorik 166_APoemofFarewell 168_lndex 172_MapLegend 173_Map 174_Conversions 175_LutenblagTransportSystem 176 OtherTitlesintheSeries THE AUTHORS Rickvan Dugan Born in Missouri, Rick always dreanned of travelling the world and. at the age of 18, begged his folks to let hinn spend a year overseas. So enthusiastic about the concept were his parents that they agreed to send him for three. Since that tinne Rick has been wandering the planet earning his living as a travelwriter Rick and freelance photographer. He has worked on nunnerous guidebooks, including Baltic Europe, Czech Mate!and Kazaktistan on a Doliara Month. Philippe Miseree A professional traveller since his youth, there is nota cityortown Philippe has not recently been disappointed by No nnatter how obscure the destinationyou can bet he has beenthere beforeyou and found it not halfasgoodasitwas inthe 1970s. Hisearlier works include TurkeyBeforeitwasSpoilt, India theHard Philippe Way, South-East Asia on Less Than You Need and Unnecessarily Tough Travel. Philippe helped compile our 'Complaints' section. Olga Stryzki Born in California, Olga got the taste for travel earlywhen as a young child her parents took her to Europe and left her there. She then found herway to Israelwhere she worked on a kibbutz for severalweeks before being exchanged as a hostage with the PLC. A graduate in Political Science at UCLA, Olga lists her interests asWomen's Studies, Women in Historyand Ice Hockey. She contributed to the sections on Molvanian women and spentthe restofhertimecomplaining about the lack of disabled facilities. Trudi Dennes Trudi has lived and worked in Japan for over 10 years. She now works in the department of classical history at Tokyo University Trudi has never visited Molvania and was assigned to this guide due to a staffing error. Trudi THEAUTHORS7 ReczJzervec A native Molvanian. Recz was born in the country's north and grewupthere, onlyleaving attheage of 12 in orderto avoid active nnilitaryservice. Recz Andy'TheAnimal'WilsonAnative of Brisbane, Australia. Andy'sfirsttasteofoverseastravelwasanend-of-yeartrip to Bali with his annateur football teann. What was supposed to be a two-week holiday turned into a year away, most ofthat time being spent in a Denpasar prison on charges of setting fire to a monk. Bythe time he was Andy 'TheAnimal' released the travel-bug had bit and Andy set out across South-East Asia on an alcohol-fuelled odyssey After returning toAustralia hedecided towritea bookabout his experiences overseas but discovered he couldn't rememberanySincethenAndyhashad hisvisacancelled in over 30 countries and can speak seven languages fluentlywhen drunk. At last report he was in Afghanistan fightingwiththeTaliban.Andyhelpedcompilethesections on nightlife and Molvanian beer-halls. Many of the photographs in this book were taken by Horst von Fluegel, a keen traveller who only took up photography a few years ago. Despite the lack of any formal training, Horst has approached his work with enormous focus, a quality somewhat lacking in much of his pictorial output. Horst [photocourtesyHorstl We Were Wrong! There isa spelling erroronpi51. The reference to 'rustic features' shouldin factread 'rustyfeatures'. 8INTRODUCTION INTRODUCTION Despite being oneofthesmallestcountriesin Europe, the RepublicofMolvania has much to offer the discerning tourist. Panoramic scenery, magnificent neoclassical architecture and centuries of devotion to fine culture are, admittedly, all in short supply But the intrepid travellerwill still find plenty to enjoywithin this unique, landlocked nation state - from the capital Lutenblag, with its delightful gas-powered tram network, to the heavily-forested Postenwalj Mountains in the south, where visitors can share a glass of locally brewed zeerstum(garlic brandy)whilewatching a traditionally-dressed peasant labourer beat his mule. Molvania, the world's number one producerof beetroot and the birthplace of whooping cough, is a country steeped in history and everywhero hero the past is beautifully preserved, such as in towns like Gyrorik where you'll find one of the oldest nuclear reactors still operating in the world. As faras buildings and public monuments go Molvania is doubly blessed, having experienced two architectural golden ages: a Gothicperiod under Holy Roman Emperor Charles IV and the late 1950s during which its Soviet-inspired love affair with non- reinforced concrete left an indelible mark on the urban landscape. Forthe environmentally-minded, Molvania hasenthusiasticallyembraced the concept of eco-tourism and, at the time of writing, numerous 'green lodges' were underconstruction, manydeep within the fragile temperate forests ofthe country's north-east from whose timbertheyare also constructed. TheRoyalMolvanian FolkEnsembleperform theirtraditional 'Biljardjig' (VanceoftheBilliardCues'].