Dedication To the light of wisdom and the heart of compassion in everyone Contents Dedication Foreword Part 1: Modes of Being Chapter 1: The Lotus Effect Chapter 2: The World of Modes and Why They Matter Chapter 3: Root Causes Chapter 4: Insecure Connections Chapter 5: An Evolutionary Arms Race Chapter 6: Traps, Triggers, and Core Beliefs Chapter 7: The Evolution of Emotion Part 2: Mind Whispering Chapter 8: Shifting the Lens Chapter 9: The Art of Whispering Chapter 10: The Mindful Overseer Chapter 11: Mode Work Chapter 12: Priming Our Secure Base Chapter 13: Training the Mind Chapter 14: Wise Heart Chapter 15: The Physics of Emotion Part 3: Tending to the Whispers of the World Chapter 16: Two of Me, Two of You Chapter 17: Joined at the Heart Chapter 18: A Shared Secure Base Chapter 19: The Transformative Power of the Arts Chapter 20: Collective Whispering Chapter 21: Connected at the Source Index Acknowledgments Resources About the Author Notes Praise Credits Copyright About the Publisher THE DALAI LAMA Foreword We all want to be happy, but in today’s world we may be confused about how to achieve it. In my own experience and that of the author of this book, the source of real and lasting happiness is in the mind. The key to finding happiness and overcoming problems is inner peace, the source of which is not to be found in sensory pleasures, delightful though they may be, nor in physical exercises, but in working with the mind. We may not see it at first, but many of our problems are our own creation, and what I find encouraging about this is that it means that solutions to them are also within our reach. Pacifying the mind is not easy; it takes time and hard work, but that is true of any human endeavour. You need determination right from the start, accepting that there will be obstacles, and resolving that despite them all you will continue until you reach your goal. This is not to say that in transforming the mind pressure or force are involved. It is something that needs to be approached voluntarily and willingly. Tara Bennett-Goleman has drawn from several different sources in preparing this book, among them Buddhist teachings she has become familiar with and the therapeutic insights of our mutual friend Dr Aaron Beck. But what she has learned from working with a horse whisperer, and which gives the book its title, is the importance of becoming attuned to the mind’s needs and concerns, approaching problems and finding solutions to them with sensitivity and intelligence. I have no doubt that readers, whether they wish to address their own every day problems or seek to help others deal with theirs, will find a great deal in this book to delight and inspire them. His Holiness the Dalai Lama December 31, 2012 PART 1 Modes of Being CHAPTER 1 The Lotus Effect A vast river flows through Bangkok, dividing the city’s sprawl. From my hotel window I watch elegant, handcrafted teak boats glide through the undulating waves. At the shoreline I notice what appears to be a cluster of lotus pads bobbing up and down with the rhythmic swells. On closer examination, I see lotus pads surrounded by an eddy of garbage, the random detritus in the river. Their lotus flowers blossom anyway, rising above the debris. Fascinated, I begin to reflect on how we human beings have the same capacity as those lotus flowers, which in Eastern cultures are symbols of enlightenment. They teach that we can rise up out of our own form of debris and muddiness, those painful ways of being that can burden our relationships, our work, and our inner lives. Mind whispering means attuning to the subtle habits of our minds and hearts, to uncover the qualities deep within us that can allow wisdom to bloom lotus- like out of the mud of confusion. Learning to see the ways in which we succumb to the muddiness of our minds over and over again is a first, crucial step. My friend Steven recently told me about the anguish that had plagued him for close to a year as he watched his beloved son prepare to go off to college. A single father, he was wholeheartedly dedicated to raising his child. Steven anticipated profound grief at his son’s absence, but he was determined to feel happy for his son, who was elated to be spreading his wings. So a few months in advance of his son’s departure Steven made it a daily practice to sit quietly and connect with the joy that his son felt. He used a method he’d learned from a Buddhist teacher, called “sympathetic joy”—feeling joy in the happiness of others. At first, Steven said, it had seemed a bit artificial because this wasn’t how he felt most of the time. But as he had reflected and practiced each day, his self- focus started to wane and he was more able to empathize with his son and share in his joy. By the time his son started college, my friend was genuinely happy for him rather than mired in attachment and fear of loss. The painter Magritte, commenting on his mysterious surrealist images, saw his creative works as “the best proof of my break with the absurd mental habits that take the place of an authentic feeling of existence.” Mind whispering seeks to bring our “absurd mental habits” into awareness, to help us attune not just to ourselves but also to others, which creates a warm chemistry—as my friend did with his son. This work helps us see ourselves as we truly are instead of through the lenses of our emotional habits and mental patterns. Mind whispering is both an educational and therapeutic model, an approach to our minds that seeks to transform our emotions and connect us to our inner wisdom. There’s a Tibetan term, sanje, which translates as “waking up and blossoming,” akin to how a lotus grows from the mud. As these qualities of the mind and heart awaken, they allow wisdom and compassion to fully bloom. My friend had awakened and blossomed, freeing himself from a troubling mode of being. What allows the lotus to grow out of the mud? What are the inner qualities that allow wisdom to bloom lotus-like out of a mind of confusion and connect us more genuinely with ourselves and with each other? And how can we break free from modes of being that capture and constrict us? The “lotus effect” in biology refers to that plant’s remarkable waterproof capacity to grow through the mud while remaining pristine. Nothing sticks to lotus leaves. The secret of the lotus’s self-cleaning property is a leaf surface filled with tiny bumps, which meet droplets at an angle so only a tiny portion of a water drop contacts the leaf. The drops stick more strongly to particles on the leaf than to the leaf itself, thus cleaning impurities as they roll off. Like the lotus effect’s non-stick properties, the basic practices of mind whispering create a field of non-clinging in the mind. As we’ll see, this application of kindheartedness, calmness, and clear awareness allow for a lightness of being.