When Loving Hurts and You Don’t Know Why “I always felt pretty good about the way I looked until Ed started cutting ads out of magazines. He’d tell me he wanted me to look more like this one or that one.… I began to feel really unattractive.” “He’d say, ‘I’ve got a big meeting to handle this morning, so I need to have sex.’ It had nothing to do with me.” “I didn’t dare run out of his cheese and special crackers and special wine because there’d be hell to pay.” “He humiliated me so often that it just became too painful to have friends over. I was ashamed for them to see me taking it.” “It was incredible how different I felt at work than I did at home. At work, people respected me, but the minute I walked in the front door I fell to pieces.” “When Jim is in a bad mood, I feel heat starting in my stomach and then spreading all over me. It’s the worst thing I’ve ever felt. It’s sheer terror.” These women took back their lives from the men who were undermining their happiness. You can, too. Let this frank and compassionate guide show you how. This edition contains the complete text of the original hardcover edition NOT ONE WORD HAS BEEN OMITTED MEN WHO HATE WOMEN & THE WOMEN WHO LOVE THEM A Bantam Book Bantam hardcover edition / September 1986 Bantam mass market edition / June 1987 Bantam trade paperback edition / January 2002 All rights reserved. Copyright © 1986 by Susan Forward and Joan Torres. Library of Congress Catalog Card Number: 85-48235. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher. For information address: Bantam Books. eISBN: 978-0-307-79766-7 Bantam Books are published by Bantam Books, a division of Random House, Inc. Its trademark, consisting of the words “Bantam Books” and the portrayal of a rooster, is Registered in U.S. Patent and Trademark Office and in other countries. Marca Registrada. Bantam Books, 1540 Broadway, New York, New York 10036. Excerpt from Toxic Parents copyright © 1989 by Susan Forward. v3.1 For Wendy and Matt Contents Cover Title Page Copyright Dedication Acknowledgments A Personal Introduction PART 1. MEN WHO HATE WOMEN 1. The Most Romantic Man in the World 2. The End of the Honeymoon 3. How He Gains Control—Weapons 4. Where He Gains Control—Arenas 5. What Keeps Women Hooked? 6. How Men Learn to Hate Women 7. How Women Learn to Love Women-Haters 8. Madness for Two PART 2. THE WOMEN WHO LOVE THEM 9. How Are You Feeling? 10. Preparing for Change 11. Healing the Past 12. Taking Charge of Your Anger 13. Setting Limits With Your Partner 14. Getting Professional Help 15. Knowing When to Leave 16. Finding Yourself Again Bibliography About the Authors Excerpt from Toxic Parents Other Books by This Author Acknowledgments There are several people whose efforts and support are an important part of this book. My collaborator, Joan Torres, took my ideas and my passion to tell this story and skillfully gave them form and shape. Dorris Gathrid, Don Weisberg, and Larry Goldman helped it all happen. Two treasured friends and colleagues gave unsparingly of their time and expertise. They are Nina Miller, M.F.C.C., and Arlene Drake, M.F.C.C. I can never thank them enough. My editor, Toni Burbank, was relentless in her pursuit of excellence and a great source of comfort and encouragement when I needed it—which was often. The friends and clients who gave me their stories must remain anonymous, but I bless them for their courage and their willingness to share their experiences. Finally, my deepest gratitude to the thousands of women who have written me or called me over the radio and have touched my heart. This book belongs to all of you. A Personal Introduction Nobody in his right mind would stay with someone in my condition. The only reason Jeff stays is because he loves me. W hen Nancy first came to see me she was sixty pounds overweight and had an ulcer. She wore old, baggy jeans and a shapeless smock; her hair was stringy, her fingernails were bitten down to the quick, and her hands shook. When she had married Jeff, four years before, she had been a fashion coordinator for a major Los Angeles department store. In her work she had traveled through Europe and the Orient selecting designer clothes for the store. She had always dressed in the latest fashions and dated fascinating men; she had been written about in a number of articles on successful women in the Los Angeles area—and she had accomplished this before she was 30. Yet, when I first saw her, at age 34, she was so ashamed of how she looked and felt about herself that she seldom left home. The decline of Nancy’s self-esteem seemed to have begun when she married Jeff. Yet, when I questioned her about her husband, she began with a long list of superlatives. He’s a wonderful man. He’s charming and witty and dynamic. He’s always doing little things for me—he sent me flowers to commemorate the anniversary of the first night we’d made love. Last year he bought two surprise tickets to Italy for my birthday. She told me that Jeff, a busy and successful entertainment lawyer, always found time to spend with her, and that despite her current appearance he still wanted her along for all his business dinners and outings. I used to love going out with him with his clients because we’d still hold hands like high-school lovers. I’m the envy of all my friends because of him. One friend said, “You’ve got the special one, Nancy.” And I know he is. But look at me! I don’t understand what’s happened. I feel so low all the time. I’ve got to get myself back together or I’m going to lose him. A man like Jeff doesn’t have to lug around a wife like me. He can have anyone he wants, including movie stars. I’m lucky he’s hung in as long as he has.