HUMOR/POP CULTURE What would you really get if M Mom and Dad had let you send your A I L hard-earned cash in the mail? - O R Mail-Order Mysteries answers this question through D E more than 150 extraordinary, peculiar, and downright MAIL-ORDER R fraudulent collectibles whose promises have haunted M comic book fans for decades! Y S MYSTERIES T E R “If childhood disappointment could ever be considered an art form, I E then Mail-Order Mysteries is a masterpiece. Really. (cid:3)e metaphors for S life itself are inescapable, the disillusion heartbreakingly laid bare, the Real Stuff from Old Comic Book Ads! tackiness a drug you just can’t quit.” R E A —CHIP KIDD, graphic designer and author of Bat-Manga! L S T U “Mail-Order Mysteries reveals the secrets behind those too-good-to-be-true F F gizmos advertised in the comic books of my youth. What a mind-blower!” F R —MARK FRAUENFELDER, cofounder of Boing Boing O M O L “If I could put one thing in a time machine to send back to my eight- D C year-old self, it would be Mail-Order Mysteries. (cid:3)is book would have O saved me dozens of allowances and hundreds of glacial hours spent M I standing on the porch waiting for the mailman to arrive. I always knew C B there was something fishy about those ‘Gigantic Dinosaurs!’” O O —MARK WAID, writer of Kingdom Come and Irredeemable K A D S ! D e m a r a ISBN 978-1-60887-026-4 ★ US $19.95 i s P.O. BOX 3088 San Rafael, CA 94912 www.insighteditions.com MOM_Cover_6-7.indd 1 6/7/11 2:53 PM MAIL-ORDER M Y S T E R I E S MOM_int_001-017.indd 1 6/13/11 5:23 PM MAIL-ORDER MYSTERIES San Rafael, California MOM_int_001-017.indd 2 6/13/11 5:27 PM MAIL-ORDER MYSTERIES Real Stuff from Old Comic Book Ads! San Rafael, California MOM_int_001-017_6-22.indd 3 6/24/11 9:28 AM CONTENTS FOR DAD P.O. BOX 3088 San Rafael, CA 94912 www.insighteditions.com Copyright © 2011 by Kirk Demarais Afterword © 2011 by Jesse Thorn All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without written permission from the publisher. Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data available. Charles Atlas Imagery Copyright 1971–2011, promotional materials, course and related indicia are the sole and exclusive property of Charles Atlas, Ltd. used under license from Charles Atlas, Ltd. PO Box “D” Madison Square Station, NY, NY 10159 (www.CharlesAtlas.com). Charles Atlas is a registered trademark of Charles Atlas, Ltd.; Grit is a registered trademark of Ogden Publications, Inc.; The Hulk is a trademark of Marvel Entertainment; Sea-Monkeys is a registered trademark of Transcience Corporation; Strat-O-Matic is a registered trademark of Strat-O-Matic Media, LLC; Superman is a trademark of DC Comics; X-Ray Spex is a registered trademark of Transcience Corporation. Cover images courtesy of Transcience Corp. Used with permission. ISBN: 978-1-60887-026-4 Manufactured in China by Insight Editions 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 REPLANTED PAPER Insight Editions, in association with Roots of Peace, will plant two trees for each tree used in the manufacturing of this book. Roots of Peace is an internationally renowned humanitarian organization dedicated to eradicating land mines worldwide and converting war-torn lands into productive farms and wildlife habitats. Together, we will plant two million fruit and nut trees in Afghanistan and provide farmers there with the skills and support necessary for sustainable land use. MOM_int_001-017_6-22.indd 4 6/24/11 9:30 AM CONTENTS 6 INTRODUCTION 9 SUPERPOWERS AND SPECIAL ABILITIES 33 WAR ZONE 47 HOUSE OF HORRORS 71 HIGH FINANCE 83 BETTER LIVING THROUGH MAIL ORDER 103 TOP SECRET 113 TRICKERY 131 ODDITIES 146 AFTERWORD BY JESSE THORN 148 APPENDIX 154 ACKNOWLEDGMENTS 155 COLOPHON 156 ABOUT THE AUTHOR MOM_int_001-017.indd 5 6/13/11 5:38 PM 66 INTRODUCTION I WAS A FIRST-GRADER on a routine visit were life-enhancers that offered the means to the neighborhood gas mart when I was first to satisfy a familiar range of wish-fulfillment, confronted by the newly installed tower rack of including power, glory, revenge, and romance. comic books. In an instant I was at the mercy of The assortment was also more “grown-up” the colorful spinning column overflowing with than the stuff in my toy box. Much of it was eye-punching artwork, tantalizing characters, designed to deceive, horrify, and even humiliate; and glimpses into unseen worlds. the selection was exotic, like nothing I had I had no choice but to forfeit my candy access to at the local toy aisle. The mysterious money for a copy of Micronauts #9. listings, with their vague line art and impossible As I camped out on my bedroom carpet descriptions, were far more intriguing than the thumbing through the baffling story line, I found tell-all photos of the Sears Wishbook. They myself on the verge of buyer’s remorse. I should teased my mind, causing me to ponder each have just played it safe with my usual Fun Dip item long after the book was shut. They left and Lik-A-Stix. Then I turned to an overcrowded questions that I gleefully answered with fantasy page of fascinating black-and-white drawings; and youthful optimism. I was captivated. It was an ink-smudged Due to a parental policy, the mystery window into an unfamiliar realm where gorilla remained unsolved throughout my youth. masks peacefully lived among hovercrafts and “It’s a rip-off” was the motto that stood ventriloquist dummies. It was the latest ad between me and the solutions to all of my from the Johnson Smith Company, a novelty problems, which included bullies, bad skin, and distributor that had been honing their catalog the inability to see through clothing. In an effort since 1914. A dozen pages later an outfit called to quench my desires, my father tried to debunk the Fun Factory featured another full-page each listing. Dad’s arguments made sense at assortment of wonders, and elsewhere in the the time, and I agreed that I’d rather invest in issue I found a hundred toy soldiers for a buck, something I trusted, like a new Star Wars figure. an offer for a free million dollar bank note, and But what if dad was wrong? It’s not like he an ad for something called Grit. followed every scientific advancement; maybe To me the ads’ seductive nature was someone had just made a new breakthrough in the result of a powerful combination of ventriloquism. factors. Most obviously, the products were As the years passed my mind never stopped otherworldly: X-ray vision, karate courses, a trying to decipher those enigmatic listings. money-counterfeiting device—they almost The unresolved puzzles stayed stranded in my seemed too good to be true. For the first time childhood, and my preoccupation didn’t fade I wasn’t thinking in terms of playthings; these with time—it intensified. MOM_int_001-017.indd 6 6/15/11 2:00 PM 77 Then came the Internet, and more importantly, eBay, which presented an unexpected second chance for me to acquire these mail-order miracles and quench my curiosity at long last. Through years of online auctions I’ve tracked down many of the lost treasures of my childhood, often spending twenty to fifty times their original listed value. It’s a small price to pay to uncover life’s greatest secrets. It’s also worth it to experience the joy of anticipation as, finally, my own pair of X-Ray Spex lumbered through the postal system. Of course, these days if a seller takes four to six weeks for delivery, at least I can leave negative feedback. The author in fourth grade, proudly displaying his treasures. As my collection started taking shape, I soon realized that Dad was right. Nearly everything is smaller, flimsier, simpler, or more inflatable than arcane items. This book, which documents my I imagined it to be. As a kid I would have been findings thus far, is my contribution to the cause. devastated, but now the objects are symbols of The curiosities in this volume are mostly a bigger story. As a consensual participant in the from the late 1960s and 1970s, when the long-standing tradition of mail-order letdowns, market had reached a summit and every comic I welcome the role of the rube and revel in the book doubled as a printed novelty shop. For lackluster surprises that fill my mailbox. me the collection represents so many things: a The Internet has also united me with series of hard-earned revelations, my remaining the legions of childhood comic buyers: both sense of wonder, and the coming-of-age the high-functioning individuals who actually discovery that even kids need to be shrewd as ordered the stuff and the ones like myself serpents lest they get bit by one. who never overcame the obstacles, be they For others I hope that it might serve to parents, finances, or even living in a country scratch a lifelong itch or provide a journey to unserviced by the dealers. While the enthusiasm a magical time, or perhaps even stand as a surrounding these ads has made the leap into missing chapter in the history of comic book the digital age, there is a growing void of sound collecting. information and photographic evidence of these —Kirk Demarais MOM_int_001-017.indd 7 6/15/11 2:01 PM MOM_int_001-017.indd 8 6/15/11 3:18 PM SSUUPPEERRPPOOWWEERRSS AANNDD SSPPEECCIIAALL AABBIILLIITTIIEESS ver since that guy from Krypton showed up, E superhero titles have dominated the comic book scene. The stories created a yearning for superhuman abilities, and the novelty dealers were standing by to sell them. Suddenly, super strength, X-ray vision, martial arts skills, and even mind control were all within reach. For those looking for something more subtle than superhero status, the ads offered the means to become a ventriloquist, an instant guitarist, or a reporter for Archie comics. A new you was just a postage stamp away. MOM_int_001-017.indd 9 6/13/11 5:43 PM