Also by Kerry Cohen Loose Girl Seeing Ezra Dirty Little Secrets Girl Trouble Lush_INT.indd 5 4/17/18 3:32 PM A MEMOIR Lush_INT.indd 7 4/17/18 3:32 PM Copyright © 2018 by Kerry Cohen Cover and internal design © 2018 by Sourcebooks, Inc. Cover design by Ploy Siripant Cover image © Malcolm Brice/Arcangel Images Internal design by Danielle McNaughton/Sourcebooks, Inc. Sourcebooks and the colophon are registered trademarks of Sourcebooks, Inc. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means including information storage and retrieval systems— except in the case of brief quotations embodied in criti- cal articles or reviews— without permission in writing from its publisher, Sourcebooks, Inc. This book is not intended as a substitute for medical advice from a qualified physician. The intent of this book is to provide accurate general information in regard to the subject matter covered. If medical advice or other expert help is needed, the services of an appropriate medical professional should be sought. This book is a memoir. It reflects the author’s present recollections of experiences over a period of time. Some names and characteristics have been changed, some events have been compressed, and some dialogue has been re-created. All brand names and product names used in this book are trademarks, regis- tered trademarks, or trade names of their respective holders. Sourcebooks, Inc., is not associated with any product or vendor in this book. Published by Sourcebooks, Inc. P.O. Box 4410, Naperville, Illinois 60567- 4410 (630) 961- 3900 Fax: (630) 961- 2168 sourcebooks.com Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Names: Cohen, Kerry, author. Title: Lush : a memoir / Kerry Cohen. Description: Naperville, Illinois : Sourcebooks, [2018] Identifiers: LCCN 2017061766 Subjects: LCSH: Cohen, Kerry. | Alcoholics--United States--Biography. | Alcoholics--Rehabilitation--United States--Biography. Classification: LCC HV5293.C64 A3 2018 | DDC 362.292092 [B] --dc23 LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2017061766 Printed and bound in Canada. MBP 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 Lush_INT.indd 8 4/17/18 3:32 PM For my father, with love. Lush_INT.indd 9 4/17/18 3:32 PM Contents Prologue 1 ONE: I wasn’t a drunk until I was. 7 TWO: I have a hole. 13 THREE: I was a consolation prize. 21 FOUR: I wanted to be better. 35 FIVE: I needed a goddamn break. 51 SIX: I was something resembling happy. 63 SEVEN: I failed at everything but sleeping. 77 Lush_INT.indd 11 4/17/18 3:32 PM EIGHT: I fell into the drums. 89 NINE: I’m killing myself because I can’t get my shit together. 101 TEN: I planned Bob’s funeral. 105 ELEVEN: I quit drinking for a week. 125 TWELVE: I didn’t have to go that far. 137 THIRTEEN: I met someone. 149 FOURTEEN: I wished I had a different story. 163 FIFTEEN: I refused to stop believing love was magic. 171 SIXTEEN: I went to an ashram. 179 SEVENTEEN: I waited. 191 EIGHTEEN: I don’t buy wine much. 199 NINETEEN: I smile hello. 205 Reading Group Guide 209 A Conversation with the Author 213 Acknowledgments 219 About the Author 221 Lush_INT.indd 12 4/17/18 3:32 PM Lush Lush_INT.indd 13 4/17/18 3:32 PM Prologue The Sivananda Ashram Yoga Retreat is situated on Paradise Island, across the bay from Nassau. This is an island lousy with monstrosities for hotels— huge peach- colored castles just down the beach, including the famously extravagant Atlantis. As visitors arrive by boat, wooden signs reassure them that Sivananda is an oasis of tranquility amid the touristy chaos. The retreat is inside a mass of coconut palm trees and bougain- villea and hibiscus, and the foliage is broken up here and there by the small buildings that make up the ashram. There are platforms for yoga classes, a dining area, an open- air temple for satsang, a small bookstore with a full library of yogic teachings, and various accommodations for guests, for people staying for karmic residencies, and for people like me, who are here trying to dry out after years of too much drinking. It’s late morning on my first day here, and I’m eating a Lush_INT.indd 1 4/17/18 3:32 PM brunch of freshly made bread, peanut butter, and yogurt and chatting with two women who are karma yogis. They’re living in tents at the ashram for three months and helping with operations, one in reception and one in the kitchen. I get up and say, “I’m going to get more tea.” “A martini?” one of the women asks. “More tea,” I repeat. “I don’t think they serve martinis here.” “Maybe not,” she says, “but you can find one five minutes down the beach.” “Noted,” I say, and I laugh. I’m exhausted from traveling, but after brunch, I decide to power through and attend the afternoon yoga class. I end up at the wrong yoga platform and wait long enough to realize I’ve screwed up. It’s too late to join the class, wherever it is, so I walk to the beach and swim in the ocean. The waters of the Caribbean are always a surprise to those of us who live on the West Coast—a turquoise, crystalline blue so thin and sun-s himmering that you can see all the way to the bottom. I am not unhappy to be missing the yoga class. It’s been a decade since I’ve done yoga, and I am uncomfortably aware of my body. My belly is fat. My arms and shoulders are weak. n e h I don’t even want to look at my thighs. Imagine a forty- o C five- year- old woman who has spent the last five or six years y r r e drinking too much wine, smoking cigarettes, and getting little K exercise other than sex. My work as a therapist and a writer 2 require me to literally just sit there. That is exactly what I look Lush_INT.indd 2 4/17/18 3:32 PM