Love Notes Marriage and Family Life Taught By: Sheikh Yaser Birjas 1 Table of Contents Preface: The Faqeeh of Love ........................................................................................................... 4 Chapter 1: Jesting about Love ......................................................................................................... 5 Definition of Love: ....................................................................................................................... 6 Nature of love: ............................................................................................................................. 6 Love and Images: ......................................................................................................................... 7 Love in the Quran and Sunnah: ................................................................................................... 7 Signs of Love and Falling in Love: ............................................................................................... 8 The In-Love syndrome: ............................................................................................................... 8 What hurts and harms love? ........................................................................................................ 9 1st Cheating: .............................................................................................................................. 9 2nd Argumentation/Lack of Communication: .......................................................................... 9 Love Bank account theory: ..................................................................................................... 10 Love Tank relationship: ......................................................................................................... 10 A Story of real Love: .................................................................................................................. 10 Chapter 2: The Earnestness of Love ............................................................................................... 11 Structures and Rules: ................................................................................................................. 11 Love, Marriage and Family Life: ............................................................................................. 11 The Family and Society: .......................................................................................................... 11 Marriage before Islam: .............................................................................................................. 12 Polygamy or Monogamy: ........................................................................................................... 12 Heterosexuality or Homosexuality: ........................................................................................... 12 Islam and Marriage: .................................................................................................................. 12 The Purpose of Marriage: ..................................................... Error! Bookmark not defined. The Ruling of Marriage:............................................................................................................. 13 Why are we still single? Survey among us in crowd: ................................................................. 13 For Women: ........................................................................................................................... 13 For Men: ................................................................................................................................. 13 Characteristics of a Prospective Spouse: ................................................................................... 14 Desirable characteristics in a bride:....................................................................................... 14 Benefits of marrying someone who is a relative: ................................................................... 14 Dangers of marrying someone who is a relative: ................................................................... 14 Arranged Marriages: .............................................................................................................. 15 2 Matrimonial services, what is the ruling? .............................................................................. 15 The Engagement Ring: ........................................................................................................... 15 Procedure in Selecting a Bride: ................................................................................................. 15 The role of female family members: ...................................................................................... 15 Direct Proposal to a female, is it allowable? .......................................................................... 15 Looking at the Opposite Sex ...................................................................................................... 16 The ruling on lowering ones gaze: ......................................................................................... 16 Exemptions: ........................................................................................................................... 16 Looking at one‘s Prospective Bride: .......................................................................................... 16 Questionable Ways .................................................................................................................... 16 The consequences of a Marriage Contract ................................................................................. 17 Chapter 3: The Rights of Spouses ................................................................................................. 18 Mutual rights: ............................................................................................................................ 18 Gender Equity in Islam: ............................................................................................................ 18 Rights of the Husband: .............................................................................................................. 18 The Rights of the Wife: .............................................................................................................. 18 Chapter 4: From the Life of the Messenger of Allah (SAW) ......................................................... 19 Stories of the Prophet: ............................................................................................................... 19 Chapter 5: Marital Discord ............................................................................................................ 20 Definition: ......................................................................... 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Nushooz: ................................................................................................................................ 20 What causes Marital Discord? ................................................................................................... 20 Different types of marriages: ................................................................................................. 20 Loving actions: (Poll in class) .................................................................................................... 21 Showed that women want: ..................................................................................................... 21 Showed that men want: ......................................................................................................... 21 Hateful acts: ............................................................................................................................... 21 Women hate: .......................................................................................................................... 21 Men Hate: .............................................................................................................................. 22 The Languages of love: .................................................................................................................. 22 Maintaining Love and Marital Life:........................................................................................... 22 Does Marriage kill love? ......................................................................................................... 22 Communicating love to your partner: .................................................................................... 22 3 Rationalizing love in marital life: ........................................................................................... 23 Understanding Differences: ...................................................................................................... 23 Different Languages of Love: ........................................................................................................ 23 Words of affirmation: ............................................................................................................ 23 Quality time: .......................................................................................................................... 24 Receiving Gifts: ...................................................................................................................... 24 Acts of service: ....................................................................................................................... 24 Physical contact: .................................................................................................................... 24 Love Notes (Notes): Marriage and Family Life Preface: The Faqeeh of Love >> Imam Ibn Hazm Al-Andalusee  Background o Name = Ali ibn Ahmed ibn Sa‘eed ibn Hazm Al-Andalus Al- Qurtubi o Born in palace; father was minister under the Umayyad Dynasty o Grew up to be a minister as well—also a great theologian, politician, philosopher, minister, leader—well-versed in interfaith and comparative religions o Wrote books on Math, Religion, Chemistry, Theology and Politics o He was a Maliki, but became a Dhahiri, and is considered the second best author in Islam o Who‘s first? Imam Al-Tabaree = best author in Islam; likened to a walking encyclopedia o Ibn Hazm was raised and taught by women until he was 15 years old; witnessed their drama, love stories, feminine qualities, etc. o A Dove from Andalusia >> Imam Ibn Hazm Al-Andalusee  Contributions to Discussion of Love o Believed that: when Allah created Adam, He brought out all souls of the children of Adam; these souls met and mingled, and Ibn Hazm believed that those we met before our terrestrial existence are the ones perfect for us on earth o Theory now called ―Soul Mate‖ o When someone is asleep, the soul departs partially, and that‘s when perhaps the souls of you and someone met. o Compatibility makes for better time with spouse, increased love for one another, etc. o Differences also create love—―opposites attract‖ o Excessive joy happens to have the same result of excessive grief (i.e. crying) 4 >> Imam Ibn Hazm Al-Andalusee  Book, “Tawq Al-Hamaama” or “Ring of the Dove” o Autobiographical; discussed his personal life, experiences, ―Qahramana‖ (girl he loved) o Written when he was in prison (exiled)—all resources from memory o Book gave a beautiful vivid image of the Islamic life in Al-Andalus o Why ―Tawq Al-Hamaama?‖ Why ―Ring of the Dove?‖ What is the significance of ―Tawq/Ring?‖ 1. Love enslaves a person to his/her beloved; chain = qilaadah 2. ―Ring‖ or ―Chain‖ or ―Tawq‖ signifies adornment and beauty of love hanging on neck o Ibn Hazm and Qahramana  mesmerized by Qahramana‘s image; chapter in book titled ―Unforgetfulness‖ o Last 2 chapters of book—―Decency & Modesty‖—discusses >> Imam Ibn Hazm Al-Andalusee  Scholarly Critiques/Elaborations o Study of love for the scholars was about reality; nothing was promoted—they only explained what they observed o ―Adh-Dhahiree‖—a study to derive jurisprudence based on the teachings of Islamic scholars 250 before Ibn Hazm o Scholars believed love was compatibility o Ibn Al-Qayyim‘s contribution  Every action begins with a notion; notion turns into an idea; idea turns into an obsession; obsession turns into an action (refers to love as well as other things)  Lust is part of the human structure; cannot be avoided Chapter 1: Jesting about Love o Love is a mystery instilled in man o Surat Ar-Rum: Ayah 21  ―And among His signs is this—that He create for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in tranquility with them; and He has put love and mercy between your hearts; verily, in that are signs for those who reflect‖ o Hawwa was created by the rib cage of Adam (AS) while he was sleeping o Analogy of a building:  Pillars—if one pillar is removed, building is shaky, unsafe, dangerous  Shakiness continues until pillar is replaced—then ―sakinah‖ or ―tranquility‖ descends  Without that missing piece, feelings of incompleteness and insecurity pervade  Woman = missing piece of man  Man = missing piece of woman  Characteristics and compatibility of spouse = perfect fit! o ―Hawwa was created from a rib taken from the side of Adam, signifying that she was not to control him as the head, nor to be trampled under his feet as an inferior, but to stand by his side as an equal, to be loved and protected by him‖ o The only way to feel safe was to return the piece, and as for Adam, he needed his missing piece which was Hawwa 5 o Love comes in many different forms—like a spectrum; ―Mawaddah‖ or ―mercy & passion‖ is one degree of love; love transforms into different degrees throughout marriage o Allah (swt) mentioned love in the Quran, and Muhammad (SAW) mentioned love in many Hadith o Surat Yusuf: Ayah 30  ―Shaghafahaa hubbaa‖—referring to wife of Al-Aziz and her love for Yusuf; different kind of love >> Definition of Love o In dictionaries, love is:  Passion  One who is beloved  Feeling  Desire for sexual interaction  Intense affection given freely and without restriction o 60 different meanings/definitions for love in the Arabic language >> Linguistics & Love o Arabic is a very rich and powerful language; meanings can be conveyed from one single letter o Any word with ―Sheen‖ is to spread  Shaytan—spreads evil  Shams—spreads warmth, light  Shajarah—speads out branches, stems, leaves o Words with Qaaf give power and superiority  Qalam—created inventions, ideas, Lawh al Mahfoodh) o Love means ―Hubb‖ in Arabic  (Haa) is one of the most difficult letters to pronounce—very deep and powerful; from inside the throat; feel choked when you pronounce—love chokes  (Baa) is one of the easiest letters to pronounce; very soft and easy letter  Love (Hubb) begins hard and intense (Haa), but ends with easiness (Baa).  When you say (Hubb) and you stop—this is a manifestation of a kiss (remember drawing!) >> Nature of love o Love and lust are two completely different things; Lust is to fulfill the needs and desires. o ―Hubb Al-3uthree‖ is noble love, (without physical interaction) Never touched each other. o Signs of love: 1. Broadening the gaze. Basically just staring out. 2. Secret winking, and blinking. 3. Listening to one even it is nonsense. o You cannot hide love. o Your parents can see through and can know if you are in love. 6 o Every heart is in Allah‘s hands. He controls the hearts of everyone. o A person should not be blamed for being in love with another person, it is a sign of perfection, and it is a sign of Allah (SWT) o Love is a natural thing, and if you have it you become soft and compassionate, if not you are rigid and hard. o If you don‘t fall in love and have never been infatuated, you better eat hay because you are nothing more than a donkey. o Is love something you choose, or something you are being enforced upon? o Primary stage of love is by choice. o You have the choice to fall in love to begin with, and you allow a person to enter your heart. o If you are not ready for marriage, you don‘t want to enter into it. o Love becomes dangerous for some, and can be a fitna as well. o Coincidental love, perhaps you visit someone, or someplace and you fall in love with someone. Falling in love without choice. o Allah will not hold you accountable for the feelings you have towards someone, so you need to suppress these feelings. o But he will hold you account of the actions you take to get who you want. o Love is not just the feeling, but it happens when you move on into the relationship and when it becomes difficult. o Imam Ibnul- Qayyim Al-Jawziyyah (Encyclopedia of Love) >> Love and Images o Allah (SWT) created man in a perfect image; humans are inclined to love the perfect human image o Associating beauty with perfection; beautiful = perfect; WRONG ideology o Adam was the perfect human image o Beauty is in the eye of the beholder (Allah) o Beauty had no standards ‗till the 19th-21st centuries; commercialization & mass distribution of images created an ―ideal‖—not the case in the past o You will be held accountable for searching and pushing yourself for no reason o Any action starts with emotion. If you suppress that, you‘re fine. o You think about, then the idea pops up, you have an obsession, and so forth. >> Love in the Quran and Sunnah o Love is talked about in the Qur‘an and Sunnah. o A man approached the Messenger of Allah (SAW) and said he was basically the guardian of an orphan girl. A poor man and a rich man approached her for marriage, she wanted to marry the poor man, but the guardian wanted her to marry to the rich one. The Prophet (SAW) said to marry her to the one who she loved. o ‗Amr ibn Al-‗Aas came to the Prophet and asked him ―Ya Rasoolullah who is the most beloved to you?‖ The Rasul said: ―Aisha.‖ ‗Amr ibn Al-‗Aas then replied: ―How about men?‖ Rasoolullah said, ―Her father.‖ Then he asked: ―Who is next?‖ and so forth and didn‘t get the answer he was hoping for so he eventually stopped asking. 7  Indicates that professing love for spouse is normal and nothing to feel embarrassed about  Indicates that Rasoolullah (saw)‘s love for ‗Aisha was so strong, he used her name to describe his love for Abu Bakr (i.e. ―her father‖) o One day Fatima came to the prophet to relate to him the complaints of the wives of the prophet (complaints about Aisha). As she told him of the situation, Aisha was sitting there quiet. And when he heard Fatima talk, he felt bad that Aisha was put in that situation. So he asked Fatima: ―Ya Fatima, do you love what I love?‖ She replied: ―Yes.‖ So he said, ―then love her‖ (and he pointed to Aisha).  Indicates that Prophet (saw) couldn‘t control his extreme love for Aisha  Indicates that it‘s normal for wives to be jealous of one another o The Prophet (SAW) used the word (Hubb) so it is not wrong to express it, and if you do it the right way, you are in good ways, but if you do it the wrong way, you will be held accountable for it o Aisha let Bareerah free out of slavery. Bareerah left Mugheeth. Mugheeth tried best to talk to her. He went to Abu Bakr to help, then went to Prophet (SAW). Then the Prophet (SAW) said he would try it, so he went to Bareerah, and talked to her, she said no. So the prophet went back to Mugheeth and when he told him the bad news, he collapsed. In this case the love was opposite. Mugheeth loved her so much, but Bareerah hated him a lot.  The intense feeling of love and the intense feeling of hatred sometimes can attract people even more  Ibn Hazm‘s ―opposites attract‖ o Love is something that you cannot control—only actions are held accountable in Islam o Love mentioned in Quran and Sunnah—do not feel ashamed of it o The Prophet (SAW) ordered for people to see the person they proposed to, because if they don‘t it might not cause the love and relationship to last long o Allowed to sit with prospective spouse—speak, see, ask about him/her; Rasoolullah (saw) encouraged a man from the Ansar to see ―prospective wife‖ before asking for her hand in marriage o Rasoolullah sympathized with those in love (i.e. Mugheeth and Bareerah) >> Signs of Love and Falling in Love o The hardest three words for a man to say are: ―I love you.‖ And also ―I am sorry‖. o ―Al-Burda‖—famous poem about love o Falling in Love o Some people fall in love in their dreams >> The In-Love syndrome o When someone is in love, he or she is not necessarily in love with them, but in love WITH them. o You will be attached to the physical character of the individual which doesn‘t last forever. o You will have this inner feeling that ―It is all about us‖ o Obsession with another may result in dreams 8 o People have this illusion that the one who they are in love with are perfect—it‘s a temporary emotional ―High‖ o This is a temporary feeling, and the average span of the In-Love feeling stays between a couple months to up to 2 years. o In-Love—When you are in love with someone then the whole world revolves around you and the beloved. This is the obsession part and infatuation. This is what is called in-love syndrome, and may be extended o Real Love—When you love somebody then you cherish their presence, you respect them, enjoy and trust them, spend time with them and want to know better. This is the stage which is everlasting and that is the actual love that starts after the in-love syndrome if the couple works on it. After the in-love syndrome is over the husband and wife can start loving each other or make their married life difficult (real love = after in-love syndrome takes its full course through the relationship) >> What hurts and harms love? o 1st Cheating:  Chat/webcam with another person; pornography  Second wife—most women don‘t like it when men talk about another wife  If you are married don‘t joke about 2nd wife, or else it will damage your relationship o 2nd Argumentation/Lack of Communication:  When a man speaks, a woman has a filter in her ears and vice versa; take what they want in and leave the rest out  Men cannot multi-task but women can  Lack of understanding between a husband and his wife o Exploitation of Love:  Don‘t test her unless there is something really really serious.  Being disrespectful to one another; backbiting  TV and PC in bedroom  Long separation between a husband and wife is not healthy  Every now and then you might need time of separation between one another, and if you take time off you‘ll see how much you take one for granted ***AbdurRahman ibn Al-Qasim (student of Imam Malik) :: Traveled to learn for 18 years for ‗Ilm & returned to find his wife still waiting for him; exceptional case—why? ―You‘re not AbdurRahman ibn Al-Qasim!‖ o The bed is the best time for women to talk, but not for men o If you play by the rules of marriage, you can have a great run of happiness; play smart— you‘re on your own o ―Romantic love usually ends up in tragedy‖—i.e. Romeo & Juliet o Question: could extreme love hurt your Iman? o Answer: it depends on how much you sort your priorities o Marriage therapists give 2 explanations: 1. Love is an action, not just a feeling 2. It‘s an action between the interaction of the man and the woman 9 >> Love Bank account theory o Opening love account with someone o Balance is most important (keep it positive) o Keeping track of withdrawals & deposits of your loving actions towards spouse o Care, good actions, service, smiles, gifts, etc. o Women stop depositing because they feel betrayed, and when they do that, that relationship is in danger; if this continues and the relationship is bankrupt, that relationship has no point >> Love Tank relationship o Driver is a man, and in the passenger‘s seat is wife. o Men focus too much on the road, and want to get to the destination. o Difference between men and women. o Women stop for gas when usually when the meter goes a little below half tank, and men do it when it‘s basically done. o Women need men to say ―I love you‖ to them. o Most men in the relationship like to keep it running as long as there is no problem. >> A Story of real Love o Most people cheat because of boredom. o People nowadays make awful perceptions of marriage. o Lack of proper education of marriage and marital relationships. o Sometimes adherence to tradition causes an advert effect. And because of that, people go wild. o Forcing tradition is very unhealthy. o When you fall into love you have to be ready for it, and if you‘re not you should try to avoid it. o The Prophet (SAW) openly confessed his love for Aisha (RA) o During Eid, the Abyssinians were playing with swords in the Masjid. The Prophet asked her if she wanted to watch and she said: ―Yes.‖ She then put her chin on his shoulder and her cheek against his cheek and she hugged the Prophet. Then the prophet asked her if she was done and she said: ―Yes.‖ Later, she said that she had no intention of watching the Abyssinians, but just to provoke the love for the Prophet to her. o This is an example of genuine love. o Whom did the Prophet love more, Aisha or Khadijah? o The question shouldn‘t be a question at all. o Khadijah was best for her time with him, and same with Aisha. o Main concepts of love notes: o Learn, appreciate, respect, rights and obligations. 10