Living Beyond your FeeLings Controlling Emotions so thEy Don’t Control you Joyce Meyer New York Boston Nashville LivingBeyondYo_HCtext4P.indd  iii  6/18/11  9:10:22 AM Copyright © 2011 by Joyce Meyer All rights reserved. Except as permitted under the U.S. Copyright Act of 1976, no part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or trans- mitted in any form or by any means, or stored in a database or retrieval s ystem, without the prior written permission of the publisher. Scripture quotations are taken from the Amplifed® Bible. Copyright © 1954, 1962, 1965, 1987 by The Lockman Foundation. Used by permission. FaithWords Hachette Book Group 237 Park Avenue New York, NY 10017 www.faithwords.com Printed in the United States of America First Edition: September 2011 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 FaithWords is a division of Hachette Book Group, Inc. The FaithWords name and logo are trademarks of Hachette Book Group, Inc. The publisher is not responsible for websites (or their content) that are not owned by the publisher. Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Meyer, Joyce, 1943- Living beyond your feelings : controlling emotions so they don’t control you / Joyce Meyer.—1st ed. p. cm. Summary: “A comprehensive guide to the range of emotions that we feel every day and shows how to manage them—instead of letting them manage you”—Provided by the publisher. ISBN 978-0-446-53852-7 (regular edition)—ISBN 978-1-4555-0729-0 (large print edition) 1. Christian women—Religious life. 2. Emotions—Religious aspects— Christianity. I. Title. BV4527.M4385 2011 248.8'43—dc22 2011015387 LivingBeyondYo_HCtext4P.indd  iv  6/18/11  9:10:22 AM C o n t e n t s Introduction ix PART I Chapter 1: I Want to Do What Is Right, but I Do What Is Wrong! 3 Chapter 2: Why Am I So Emotional? 13 Chapter 3: Tell Someone How You Feel 27 Chapter 4: Our Secrets Make Us Sick 37 Chapter 5: I Wish I Didn’t Feel This Way 47 Chapter 6: Do You Have a Pulse? 59 Chapter 7: Emotional Reactions 73 Chapter 8: Thoughts Are Fuel for Feelings 87 Chapter 9: Words Are Fuel for Emotions 101 Chapter 10: Can I Control Something for a Change? 111 LivingBeyondYo_HCtext4P.indd  v  6/18/11  9:10:22 AM vi Con t en t s PART II Chapter 11: Anger 129 Chapter 12: Guilt 145 Chapter 13: Fear 157 Chapter 14: Handling Loss 173 Chapter 15: F reedom from Discouragement and Depression 195 Chapter 16: Why Is It So Hard to Forgive? 209 Chapter 17: How Emotions Affect Our Health 225 Chapter 18: Stress and Emotions 239 Chapter 19: Good Emotions 249 Suggested Reading 263 LivingBeyondYo_HCtext4P.indd  vi  6/18/11  9:10:22 AM Feelings are much like waves, we can’t stop them from coming, but we can choose which one to surf. Jonatan Mårtensson LivingBeyondYo_HCtext4P.indd  vii  6/18/11  9:10:22 AM I n t r o d u C t I o n It seems to me that we talk about how we feel more than practically anything else. We feel good or bad, happy or sad, excited or discouraged, and a thousand other things. The inventory of the various ways we feel is almost endless. Feel- ings are ever changing, usually without notifcation. They don’t need our permission to fuctuate; they merely seem to do as they please for no specifc reason that we can fnd. We have all experienced going to bed feeling just fne physically and emotionally, only to wake up the next morning feeling tired and irritable. Why? Why do I feel this way? we ask our- selves, and then we usually begin to tell anyone who will listen how we feel. It is interesting to note that we tend to talk a lot more about our negative feelings than we do our positive ones. If I wake up feeling energetic and excited about the day, I rarely announce it to everyone I come in contact with; how- ever, if I feel tired and discouraged, I want to tell everyone. It has taken me years to learn that talking about how I feel increases the intensity of those feelings. So it seems to me that we should keep quiet about the negative feelings and talk about the positive ones. As you read this book, I am going to LivingBeyondYo_HCtext4P.indd  ix  6/18/11  9:10:22 AM x In t roduC t Ion ask you to make decisions; perhaps that can be the frst deci- sion you make. Write it down and confess it out loud: Decision and confession: I am going to talk about my positive feelings so they will increase, and keep quiet about my negative feelings so they lose their strength. You can always tell God how you feel and ask for His help and strength, but talking about negative feelings just to be talking does no good at all. The Bible instructs us not to speak with idle (inoperative, nonworking) words (see Matt. 12:36). If negative feelings persist, asking for prayer or seeking advice is a good thing, but once again I want to stress that talking just to be talking is useless. In a multitude of words transgression is not lacking, but he who restrains his lips is prudent. (Proverbs 10:19) The main theme of this book is that although feelings can be very strong and demanding, we do not have to let them rule our lives. We can learn to manage our emotions rather than allowing them to manage us. This has been one of the most important biblical truths I have learned in my journey with God. It has also been one that has allowed me to con- sistently enjoy my life. If we have to wait to see how we feel before we know if we can enjoy the day, then we are giving feelings control over us. But thankfully we have free will and can make decisions that are not based on feelings. If we are willing to make right choices regardless of how we feel, God will always be faithful to give us the strength to do so. LivingBeyondYo_HCtext4P.indd  x  6/18/11  9:10:22 AM In t roduC t Ion xi Living the good life that God has made ready for us is based on our being obedient to His way of being and doing. He gives us the strength to do what is right, but we are the ones who must choose it . . . G od won’t do it for us. He helps us, but we must participate by choosing right over wrong. We can feel wrong and still choose to do what is right. Nobody can consistently enjoy life until they are willing to do that. For example, I may feel like shutting someone out of my life because they have hurt my feelings or treated me unfairly, but I can choose to pray for them and treat them as Jesus would while I am waiting for Him to vindicate me. If I act according to my feelings, I will do the wrong thing and forfeit peace and joy. But if I choose to do what God has instructed me to do in His Word, I will have God’s reward in my life. Feelings in and of themselves are neither good nor evil. They are just unstable and must be managed. They can be enjoyable and wonderful, but they can also make us misera- ble and drive us to make choices we eventually regret. Unbri- dled emotions might be compared to a small child who wants to have and do everything, but does not understand the dan- ger some of those things present. The parent must control the child, or he will surely hurt himself and others. We must parent our emotions. We must train them to serve us so we don’t become their slave. If you are ready to master If you are ready to master your emotions, this book is for your emotions, this book you. I believe I will be able to is for you. I believe I will help you understand some of your be able to help you under- feelings, but understanding them is not nearly as important as stand some of your feel- controlling them. ings, but understanding LivingBeyondYo_HCtext4P.indd  xi  6/18/11  9:10:22 AM xii In t roduC t Ion them is not nearly as important as controlling them. Make a decision that you will no longer let your feelings control you. This book could be one of the most important books you ever read. The principles in it agree with God’s Word and will put you in a position of authority rather than one of a slave. You can have victory rather than being a victim. You don’t have to wait to see how you feel every day before you know how you will act. I believe this book will help you under- stand yourself better than ever before and also equip you to make decisions that will release God’s best into your life. Decision and confession: I choose to do what is right no matter how I feel. 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