Live Like a Pimp: An Uncommon Guide to Uncommon Success by Max Vance Easing himself out of his gold Cadillac in his silk suit and fur cape, swaggering with a walking stick and platform shoes, and lording it over a stable of prostitutes in short, tight skirts, the pimp is the stuff of legend. Some would argue that the flamboyant pimp of the blaxploitation movies is largely fiction, but even if the colorful ghetto pimp is no more than an urban legend, he appeals to men at an instinctive level. In his heart of hearts, every man wants to be a pimp. Every man longs to walk proudly, to call attention to himself, to hold fistfuls of cash, to command a harem and the respect of his peers. Men want these things, and want them desperately, but as Thoreau observed, they never talk about or act on their secret longings. Men will go from cradle to grave working their asses off, paying for sex, and secretly envying the audacious pimp. Ignore the clown pimp, the cracker who dresses up for Halloween in a “pimp” costume. I am asking you to take the idea of becoming a pimp, a modern pimp, seriously. What do I mean by a “modern pimp”? The pimp has a lot to teach men about getting what they want out of life, without excuses. The pimp is able to create the life of his fantasies out of nothing. Poverty, lack of education, high unemployment, discrimination, age, physical appearance, government opposition –none are obstacles to the pimp. If a man at the very bottom of society with everything stacked against him can live the life every man dreams of, then so can you; but first you must want it, and you must know how. This book tells you how. Keep in mind that the point is not for you to wear a yellow jumpsuit and employ prostitutes in the ghetto –the objective is for you to live large the life of your secret desires, whatever form that might take. So the pimp serves as an inspiration and a metaphor, although you probably never expected to see the word “metaphor” in a book titled Live Like a Pimp. To those of you who are ready to consider something as outrageous as living the life you want to live; I wish you all the best. To those of you who are offended by this book’s “misogynistic attitude and perpetuation of the rigid sex- role stereotypes of an oppressive patriarchal white society,” I offer you a sincere bitchslap. A lot of crackers think it’s funny to dress up like a “pimp” on Halloween or for a frat party. Ha fuckin’ ha. Come on, Jimmy Swaggart looks more like a pimp than you do, whitebread. So you chuckle with your drunk friends, but tomorrow you’re right back at Hot Dog on a Stick, which is a sadly accurate description of your life. So cut the jokes, get rid of that goofy costume, and think for a moment about what it means to be a real pimp. Brace yourself. If you are reading a book to find out how to be a pimp, by definition you are a ho.’ I don’t say this to insult you, but to wake you up. On the streets the ho’ works regardless of the weather, late into the night, being degraded and abused by johns. Yet a pimp who has done nothing takes a cut of her money. The ho’ is working hard, but the pimp makes easy money, because he takes a piece of someone else’s earnings. You don’t have to be black, female, or even poor to be a ho’. A ho’ has no control over her life, and there are millions of middle class men who are little more than ho’s. You are working hard only to have your money taken from you, and even worse than the street prostitutes, your money is being taken by a gang of pimps. You are being pimped by your financial advisor, who has conned you into investing money into an overvalued stock market, only to see the values of your stocks plummet. You are being pimped by your car dealer, who is selling you a car that will lose almost half of its value in several years. While your boss is making the big money “supervising” in his luxurious office, you are working hard, enduring harassment by fat cats who are skimming your wages. Your credit card companies are white slavers who will have you making minimum payments, mostly interest, for the next twenty years. The tax pimp knocks you upside the head every April, taking up to half of your income. Your wife pimp has got you working to pay the bills, including bills for walnut coffee tables and other nonsense you don’t need or even want. At any time of her choosing your wife can leave you, taking your kids and half of your income with her, and continue punking you for alimony and child support payments long after she’s gone and you no longer have visitation rights. Look, you are either in control of your life or you are not. And if you are not in control of your life, then someone else is. There is a mob of pimps out there looking to step in and take control of your life; you are like a crackhead whose addiction leaves her vulnerable to a pimp willing to take control. Chapter 1: The Choice 1. In life you are either a pimp or a ho’. 2. Ho’s work for pimps, but pimps work for themselves. It is easy for you to continue in your “discomfort zone” where you are working your ass off, only to have a gang of pimps steal your money. You just never can seem to get ahead. Money is tight month after month, and there always seems to be some sort of financial crisis just when you get any extra money. It is easy to blame your boss, the management at work, your wife’s spending, the president, the banks, credit card companies, the economy, etc. But