I want to dedicate this book to my wife, Kathy, for saying yes and continuing to be a yes throughout our marriage To my sons, Michael and Steven And to all of you who will choose to live your life By Design CONTENTS Introduction Chapter 1 Creating My Future PHASE I: LIVING BY DEFAULT Chapter 2 By Default Versus By Design Chapter 3 Wake Up! Chapter 4 The Problem of No Problems Chapter 5 Face It—You’re Addicted! Chapter 6 Turn and Face the Ch-Ch-Changes PHASE II: LIVING BY DESIGN Chapter 7 6 Steps to Living By Design Chapter 8 The Conscious and Subconscious Mind and the Power of Self-Talk Chapter 9 Healthy Body, Healthy Mind Chapter 10 The 5 Evolutions to Master By Design Living Acknowledgments Special Offer from Tom Ferry INTRODUCTION As a success coach, I think of myself as a life strategist in a business world. I travel from city to city giving lectures and conducting seminars that help change people’s lives. Often while giving these talks, I’ll lock eyes with someone in the audience I sense is in need of special attention, someone who’s reacting strongly—but not necessarily happily—to my message. There’s a look people get when they’re hearing things, often for the first time, that tap into fears they’ve been struggling to keep at bay, and when I see that expression of panic or desperation, I try to connect to it, to help draw it out. A few years back I noticed a woman—I’ll call her Mary—sobbing throughout one of my presentations. What I found strange was that this particular event was an uplifting and inspirational sales training course, so her emotional response seemed quite out of the ordinary. My workshops are often designed to evoke a fervent response from the participants—to upset their applecart—but this wasn’t one of those times. During our first break, I decided to look for Mary to make sure she was okay. When I found her, I asked what was wrong. It didn’t require much more of a push than that to get her to tell me. “I’m the number one real estate salesperson in my company and number sixteen in the country,” she explained. “But my ‘all-business’ approach is taking its toll on every other area of my life. I don’t know what to do.” I’d heard this story many times before, so I asked her some pointed questions. “Are you married or single?” I’d barely spoken the words when she began to cry again. I took her tears to mean she was married … but maybe not for long. “Do you have kids?” Her sobs now became loud wails as she spoke about her three-year-old daughter and nine-year-old son. “Are you with them as often as you’d like?” Not surprisingly, this question nearly brought her to her knees. “I feel as if I hardly know my own children!” The pain, guilt, and anguish she was feeling about how out of balance her life had become was palpable; clearly, she had hit a wall. There was no question the woman knew how to be successful in business, but she didn’t have a clue about how to be successful in life. She had put all of her eggs in her career basket, and now everything else was suffering. What happened? How did she get here? For much of my professional life, I’ve worked as a success coach to individuals and corporations specializing in sales and marketing. I help people like Mary become more successful in their chosen field, while simultaneously achieving a better balance across all the key areas of their lives. That’s what I do, and that’s why I’ve been invited to speak to dozens of leading corporations and have served as head coach to hundreds of top executives over the past twenty years. After my conversation with Mary, I agreed to take her on as a client, to help coach her through this tough transition in her life. But first I needed her to agree that she would make whatever adjustments I asked of her. She quickly got on board without hesitation. A week later, Mary had her first coaching session. I asked her to tell me more about her business. “I’m the ‘open house’ queen of my town,” she said. Okay, I thought. Stop right there. Many of my clients have worked in real estate, an arena with which I am extremely familiar. So I knew that if Mary held open houses as often as she said, she spent all of her weekends selling real estate— and none at home with her family. Her kids were in school and her husband worked Monday through Friday. I asked her what days she worked. “Monday through Sunday.” This was the answer I’d feared, and expected. She worked virtually all the time. Most importantly, she hadn’t been able, or willing, to be home on the weekends with her family. “And how is that working for you?” I asked with my tongue firmly planted in my cheek, knowing full well it wasn’t working for her at all. It was obvious that every choice she made had driven her to incredible levels of success in her business but had also pushed her personal life into a state of crisis. Most of us overcompensate in one area of our lives as a way of masking problems in other areas. I have dozens of clients who throw themselves into work as a way of avoiding dealing with troubles in other aspects of their lives, such as their marriage, relationships, finances, and health. When I ask if they know why they do that, most of them come back with some excuse or another, but never a valid reason. But there is a reason; there’s always a reason. For most of us, it’s easier—or we imagine it’s easier—to keep slogging forward on autopilot, what I call living by default, than to ask ourselves the hard questions and make the necessary changes to live By Design. Living by default means choosing to live with pain and disappointment, falling short of our potential in every area of our lives. Why do we choose this? Is being stagnant really easier than facing change? When you think about it, how easy is it to deal with daily struggle, self-pity, and failure? Here’s the thing. To achieve real change and growth, you have to decide what you’re not taking responsibility for in life. What are you avoiding? For some of us it’s pain—and for others intimacy. Maybe you feel lost, bored, or unchallenged at work. Perhaps you’re afraid of change or have become so comfortable in your present state that any thought of disturbing your seemingly peaceful existence scares you to death. Whatever your reasons, it’s time to call out the white elephant, assume responsibility, make some new choices, and then take action. To test Mary’s commitment, I asked if she’d be willing to cancel all of her open houses for the upcoming weekend and create a different approach to being a mother and a wife. She began to cry because, although my suggestion was a simple one, it represented an entirely different way of life for her. But it was clear she wanted to try, so I gave her an immediate task. “I want you to go buy the strongest sunblock you can find, grab your kids, and head to the beach.” I told her to keep driving west until she saw the infinite blue Pacific in front of her. She was taking notes furiously as I spoke. “Pack a picnic lunch. Got it. “Bury the kids in the sand. Got it. “Toss the Frisbee. Got it.” Yup. She was taking notes on how best to ensure a day of fun at the beach with her kids. That’s how bad it had gotten for Mary, and how desperately important it was to her that she get it right. And boy did she ever. Sixty days after that first conversation, her marriage was back on track, and she had become an extraordinary hands-on mother who spent more time with her children, made them dinner, and even helped them do their homework. And as happy as she was about this outcome, she was just as astonished to discover that her sales had actually gone up at work. By choosing to work fewer hours, she was forced to be more efficient. As a result she became the number-ten-ranked real estate agent in the country (up from number sixteen) by taking more weekends off! We completely shifted how she operated in her life. How did we accomplish this? What was the process by which Mary came to recognize that she’d been living by default? How did she face her fears, assess and reorient her priorities, and manage to get everything she wanted? This—learning how you can live life By Design —is the subject of my book. What if I told you that in the midst of tough economic times my business is growing; I’ve been happily married for seventeen years and counting; I’m connected with my two boys—Michael, age eleven, and Steven, nine; I have an active social life; I’m physically fit; and, most important, I’m happy? Is it possible during challenging times to be this way? I say yes! I simply decided a long time ago to live By Design, no matter what else is happening in the world, including crumbling financial markets, plummeting real estate values, and other outside events we all deal with every day. Now, what if I told you I could help you achieve the same results in your own life—show you how to navigate the rough water we all tread—by creating a plan to not only survive but actually thrive in difficult times? Would you want to know more? Great. Then let’s get started. When I meet new clients, our first conversation is always about their family. I want to know everything about their upbringing, childhood, parents, siblings, and current personal life because I believe the best way to get to know someone is to fully understand where they come from. I ask about traumatic moments, deep dark secrets they’ve never shared, and any other indicator to help me understand who I am talking with. Personal history is an excellent gauge of how we all choose to live our daily lives as adults. All of our emotional baggage, hang-ups, and self-imposed roadblocks are tied to events and stories we tell ourselves from the past. The biggest problem for most people is that the past is where they choose to spend most of their energy, time, and thinking. They’re stuck and unsure of how to get out from under all of that history. Does this sound familiar? You might be asking yourself, What does this guy know about hardship, tough times, and turning around my life? Fair enough. These are legitimate and reasonable questions. After all, I’m not Dr. Phil. I don’t have any letters following my last name, and, for some, this may be the first time you’ve heard of Tom Ferry. Because I believe that turnabout is fair play, allow me to tell you a little bit about where I come from and my background that got me where I am today. My father was and still is a tremendously ambitious man. His parents were alcoholics for most of their lives. Although Dad always said he doesn’t have a single memory before the age of nine, I am certain his early childhood must have been filled with trauma, drama, and unspeakable experiences. Dad’s family moved to Southern California when he was three years old. Dad developed an aggressive “get them before they can get me” attitude, which was common to his generation. Mom was a beautiful, earthy, grounded caretaker who encouraged Dad to pursue his dreams while she dutifully stayed home, kept the house clean, raised their children, and held lovely dinner parties. Ten years and four kids later, my parents divorced. I was just six years old. Mom found work as a graphic designer so she could provide for us kids. Dad was building what would become a very successful business, but at the time, he was still scraping by. Mom’s two brothers, Kevin and Jeff, became father figures to my brothers, sister, and me because our dad was busy traveling for his business. We rarely saw Dad because he was on the road, sometimes as much as three hundred days a year. Although I had a happy childhood after my parents divorced—there was always a lot of love and support at home—all of that changed one day when a new level of discipline entered our lives. Although Mom had dated on and off for about six years, life as we knew it was over when she met Pete, her knight in shining armor, who quickly threw down the proverbial gauntlet to let us know that he was now in charge. I was twelve years old when Mom met Pete. By this time, my older brother and I were running wild. I would stay out late and cut classes the next day, and had pretty much become a pre-pubescent punk. I’m sure my behavior caused Mom a lot of grief and heartache. By the time I was thirteen years old, I had been exposed to drugs and alcohol. I started acting out for pure shock value. I grew my usually reddish brown hair long and dyed it jet black, a harsh look for a guy with fair skin. When I wanted even more attention, I’d use a lot of gel and wear my hair in a giant Mohawk. I slowly slid into a life I didn’t expect. I was often partying, going to local punk rock shows, and staying out late. I began lying to my parents about everything all the time. I partied as a way to escape my home life, which had become unbearable under Pete’s steel fist and his constant prodding of my