LIFE AND LOSS Many clinicians and caring adults recognize that denying or ignoring grief issues in children leaves them feeling alone and that acknowledging loss is a crucial part of a child’s healthy development. Really dealing with loss in productive ways, however, is sometimes easier said than done. For decades, Life and Loss has been the book clinicians have relied on for a full and nuanced presentation of the many issues with which grieving children grapple, as well as an honest exploration of the interrelationship between unresolved grief, educational success, and responsible citizenry. The third edition of Life and Loss brings this exploration firmly into the 21st century and makes a convincing case that children’s grief is no longer restricted only to loss-identified children. Children’s grief is now endemic; it is global. Life and Loss is not just the book clinicians and caring adults need to understand grief in today’s society—it is the book they need in order to work with it in constructive ways. Linda Goldman is the author of several books, including Breaking the Silence: A Guide to Help- ing Children With Complicated Grief and Raising Our Children to Be Resilient: A Guide to Help- ing Children Cope With Trauma in Today’s World. She has been an educator in the public school system as a teacher and counselor for almost 20 years and has a private grief-therapy practice in Chevy Chase, Maryland. She also teaches as an adjunct professor in schools and universities. This page intentionally left blank LIFE AND LOSS A Guide to Help Grieving Children Third Edition Linda Goldman This edition published 2014 by Routledge 711 Third Avenue, New York, NY 10017 and by Routledge 27 Church Road, Hove, East Sussex BN3 2FA © 2014 Taylor & Francis Routledge is an imprint of the Taylor & Francis Group, an informa business The right of Linda Goldman to be identified as author of this work has been asserted by her in accordance with sections 77 and 78 of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reprinted or reproduced or utilized in any form or by any electronic, mechanical, or other means, now known or hereafter invented, including photocopying and recording, or in any information storage or retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publishers. Trademark notice: Product or corporate names may be trademarks or registered trademarks, and are used only for identification and explanation without intent to infringe. When anecdotes appear throughout this book, the names and specific incidents may have been modified to maintain the privacy of the people in the stories. The children and adults in the photographs may not be related to the material on the page on which they appear. First edition published by Brunner-Mazel 1994 Second edition published by Routledge 2000 Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Goldman, Linda, 1946– Life and loss : a guide to help grieving children / Linda Goldman. — Third Edition. pages cm Includes bibliographical references and index. 1. Grief in children. 2. Loss (Psychology) in children. 3. Children— Counseling of. I. Title. BF723.G75G65 2013 155.9'37083—dc23 2013003426 ISBN: 978-0-415-85389-7 (hbk) ISBN: 978-0-415-63080-1 (pbk) ISBN: 978-0-203-09733-5 (ebk) Typeset in Dutch by Apex CoVantage, LLC Dedication This book is dedicated to the children of the world and the child within each of us. This page intentionally left blank Contents Preface xiii Acknowledgments xvii Introduction xix 1. Children’s Loss and Grief 1 What’s the Matter With Kids Today? 3 Facts About the Grieving Child 4 The Norm Is the Grieving Child 4 Create a Safe Grief Environment 9 Childhood Loss 9 Loss of Relationships 10 Loss of External Objects 11 Loss in the Environment 12 Loss of Self 13 Loss of Skills and Abilities 15 Loss of Privacy 17 Loss of Habits and Routines 19 Loss of the Future and Adult Protection 20 2. Myths of Grief 23 Myths About Loss and Grief 25 Myth: Grief, Bereavement, and Mourning Are the Same 26 Myth: Adults Can Instantly Give Explanations to Children About Death and Spirituality 26 Myth: Grief and Mourning Have Orderly Stages 26 Myth: The Grief of Adults Does Not Impact the Bereaved Child 27 Myth: Adults Should Avoid Topics That Cause a Child to Cry 27 Myth: An Active, Playing Child Is Not a Grieving Child 29 Myth: Infants and Toddlers Are Too Young to Grieve 30 Myth: Parents and Professionals Are Always Prepared and Qualified to Explain Loss and Grief 31 Myth: There Is Closure to Grief 32 Myth: Children Need to Get Over Their Grief and Move On 32 Myth: Children Are Better Off Not Attending Funerals 32 3. Four Psychological Tasks of Grief Work 35 Children Work Through Grief: Four Psychological Tasks 37 Understanding 37 Grieving 42 Commemorating 45 Going On 46 The Story of Star 48 Let Kids Know 49 Let Kids Talk 49 Let Kids Participate 49 Let Kids Be Unique 49 viii CONTENTS 4. Techniques for Grief Work 51 Identify Feelings 53 Anger 53 Panic 54 Guilt 54 Denial 54 Withdrawal 54 Stuffing the Feeling 55 Identifying the Feeling 55 Grief Techniques: Ideas for All Ages 58 Storytelling 58 Creative Writing 58 Letter Writing 60 Poetry 64 Essays 65 Pictures for Projective Techniques 66 Geneograms 67 Children’s Questions and Techniques for Answering Them 68 Questions for God 68 Questions for a Mom That Died 68 Questions About Forgetting 68 Questions About Clichés 69 Questions About Connection 69 Questions About Secrecy 69 Questions About Facts 69 Questions About the Inability to Grieve Openly 69 Questions About Dying 70 Questions About Magical Thinking 70 Questions About Heaven 70 Questions About Safety 71 Memory Work 72 Memory Boxes 72 Picture Albums 72 Memory Table 72 Memory Mural or Collage 73 Memory Work and the Internet 73 Memory Pillow and Photographs 73 Memory Projects 74 Memory Books 74 Interactive Story and Memory Book 77 Memory Book Resources 77 Ongoing Memory Work 78 Drama and Imagination 78 Stimulating Open Discussion 79 Art 82 Clay 83 Music 84 Computers and the Internet 85 Creating a Resource Library 86 Identifying Feelings 86 5. Preparing for a Good-bye Visit 87 Let’s Prepare Kids to Say Good-bye 89 Preparing Children for a Good-bye: A Family’s Story 89 Good-bye Visit Memories 92 Remembering a Year Later 94 A Dying Child Says Good-bye 96 Do Talk With Children About Death 97 ix CONTENTS Communicate With Children By 98 Resources for Children on Dying 98 Resources for Adults 98 6. Saying Good-bye to a Pet 99 The Love for a Pet 101 The Story of Thatcher: A Celebration of Life 103 The Story 103 Saying Good-bye to Thatcher 103 The Preparation 104 The Party: A Wonderful Tribute 105 Saying Good-bye 106 Including Children in Pet Death: What We Can Do 109 Ways That Work 109 Resources 109 For Children About Pet Loss and Death 109 For Adults on Pet Loss and Death 109 7. The Child’s World of Technology 111 Technology: A Blessing or a Curse 113 The Blessing 114 The Curse 114 The Challenge 115 Adults Taking Action 117 What We Can Do to Help the Child 118 Promote Safety on the Internet 118 Interventions to Stop Cyberbullying in Schools 118 Parent Involvement 119 Resources 119 For Children 119 For Adults 119 Conclusion 120 8. Family Diversity—The New Norm: Challenges for Children 121 E Pluribus Unum: Out of Many, One 123 Diversity Is the Norm, Not the Exception 124 Gracie’s Story: A Child of First-Generation Parents 124 Immigration 127 Children’s Voices 127 Cultural Connection Through Outreach and Services 128 Boat People SOS (BPSOS) 128 Latin American Youth Center (LAYC) 128 Education, Interconnection, and Community 129 Art Museum of the Americas: Reaching Out to Community 129 What We Can Do 130 Interventions 133 Resources on Immigration for Children 134 Multiracial Families 135 What to Say 136 Resources for Children 136 Same-Sex Parenting 137 Resources for Children on LGBT Issues 138 What a Family Is 139 Dialogue About Families 139 Core Family Concepts 140 A Portrait Project 140