LIES Also by Al Franken I’m Good Enough, I’m Smart Enough, and Doggone It, People Like Me! Rush Limbaugh Is a Big Fat Idiot and Other Observations Why Not Me? The Inside Story of the Making and Unmaking of the Franken Presidency Oh, the Things I Know! A Guide to Success, or, Failing That, Happiness LIES (And the Lying Liars Who Tell Them) A Fair and Balanced Look at the Right Al Franken Dutton DUTTON Published by Penguin Group (USA) Inc. 375 Hudson Street, New York, New York 10014, U.S.A. Penguin Books Ltd, Registered Offices: 80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England Penguin Books Australia Ltd, 250 Camberwell Road, Camberwell, Victoria 3124, Australia Penguin Books Canada Ltd, 10 Alcorn Avenue, Toronto, Ontario, Canada M4V 3B2 Penguin Books (NZ) Ltd, Cnr Rosedale and Airborne Roads, Albany, Auckland 1310, New Zealand Published by Dutton, a member of Penguin Group (USA) Inc. First printing, September 2003 Electronic edition, September 2003 Copyright © Al Franken, Inc., 2003 “Operation Chickenhawk” and “Supply Side Jesus” illustrations © copyright 2003 by Don Simpson TeamFranken photo © Martha Stewart All rights reserved REGISTERED TRADEMARK—MARCA REGISTRADA Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication data has been applied for. ISBN 0 7865 4167 9 Set in Stempel Garamond Designed by Jaye Zimet Without limiting the rights under copyright reserved above, no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise), without the prior written permission of both the copyright owner and the above publisher of this book. The scanning, uploading, and distribution of this book via the Internet or via any other means without the permission of the publisher is illegal and punishable by law. Please purchase only authorized electronic editions, and do not participate in or encourage electronic piracy of copyrighted materials. Your support of the author’s rights is appreciated. Making or distributing electronic copies of this book constitutes copyright infringement and could subject the infringer to criminal and civil liability. To my wife, Franni, who’s been screaming about this stuff for years and believed in the book. I love you so much. And even more importantly, you love me. C O N T E N T S A Note from the Author xi Introduction xv 1 Hummus 1 2 Ann Coulter: Nutcase 5 3 You Know Who I Don’t Like? Ann Coulter 17 4 Liberals Who Hate America 21 5 Loving America the Al Franken Way 24 6 I Bitch-Slap Bernie Goldberg 28 7 The 2000 Presidential Election: How It Disproved the Hypothetical Liberal Media Paradigm Matrix 37 8 Conclusion: A Lesson Learned 51 9 Five Get-Rich-Quick Tips the Wall Street Fat Cats Don’t Want You to Know 52 10 Chapter for American Book by Kharap Juta 56 11 I’m Funnier than Kharap Juta 57 12 The Chapter on Fox 58 13 Bill O’Reilly: Lying, Splotchy Bully 65 14 Hannity and Colmes 83 15 The Blame-America’s-Ex-President-First Crowd 104 16 Operation Ignore 115 17 Our National Dialogue on Terrorism 123 18 Humor in Uniform 124 19 Who Created the Tone? 132 20 Did the Tone Change? 142 21 Why Did Anyone Think It Would Change? 143 22 I Grow Discouraged About the Tone 152 23 I’m Prudenized 165 ix