University of South Florida Scholar Commons Graduate Teses and Dissertations Graduate School 6-12-2008 Learning, Living, and Leaving the Closet: Making Gay Identity Relational Tony E. Adams University of South Florida Follow this and additional works at: htps://scholarcommons.usf.edu/etd Part of the American Studies Commons Scholar Commons Citation Adams, Tony E., "Learning, Living, and Leaving the Closet: Making Gay Identity Relational" (2008). Graduate Teses and Dissertations. htps://scholarcommons.usf.edu/etd/109 Tis Dissertation is brought to you for free and open access by the Graduate School at Scholar Commons. It has been accepted for inclusion in Graduate Teses and Dissertations by an authorized administrator of Scholar Commons. For more information, please contact Learning, Living, and Leaving the Closet: Making Gay Identity Relational by Tony E. Adams A dissertation submitted in partial fulfillment of the requirements for the degree of Doctor of Philosophy Department of Communication College of Arts and Sciences University of South Florida Major Professor: Arthur P. Bochner, Ph.D. Kenneth N. Cissna, Ph.D. Marcy Chvasta, Ph.D. Carolyn Ellis, Ph.D. Charles Guignon, Ph.D. Date of Approval: June 12, 2008 Keywords: Sexuality, Gay Men, Coming Out, Autoethnography, Narrative Inquiry, Interpersonal Communication, Family Communication © Copyright 2008 Tony E. Adams Table of Contents Abstract i Preface iv Chapter One: Introduction 1 Chapter Two: The Importance of the Closet 11 Chapter Three: Method 27 Autoethnography and Narrative Inquiry 27 Epiphanies 34 Procedures 35 Life Story Interviews 35 Gay Life Writings 42 Autoethnographic Data Sets 47 Analyzing the Data 50 Representing the Data 52 Chapter Four: Learning the Closet 57 Chapter Five: Living the Closet 104 Chapter Six: Leaving the Closet 139 Chapter Seven: Making Identity Relational 183 Revisiting Us, Four Years Later 202 Chapter Eight: Gay Dilemmas, Reflections, and Criticisms 207 The “Double-Bind of Gay Identity” 211 Changing Conditions of the Closet 223 Making Coming Out Relational 232 Epilogue 239 References 245 About the Author End Page i Learning, Living, and Leaving the Closet: Making Gay Identity Relational Tony E. Adams ABSTRACT Gay identity is inextricably tied to the metaphor of the closet. This tie is best exemplified by the act of “coming out of the closet,” an act when a person discloses a gay identity to another, an act of self-identification and confession that others can motivate but never force, an act typically thought of as necessary, dangerous, and consequential, and an act often viewed as a discrete, linear process. Gay identity is also frequently framed as a self-contained trait thus making coming out a one-sided, personal affair. In this project, I use autoethnography and narrative inquiry, life story interviews of four gay men, life writings by gay men, mass mediated accounts of the closet, and my personal experience to describe three epiphanies—interactional moments that significantly change the trajectory of a person’s life—of gay identity: (1) “Learning the Closet,” a moment when a person first becomes familiar with the metaphorical space; (2) “Living the Closet,” a moment when a person privately acknowledges a gay identity but publicly discounts this identity by saying and acting as if it does not exist; and (3) “Leaving the Closet,” a moment when a person discloses gay identity to others. I conclude by describing the “double-bind of gay identity”—the dilemma that forms when a person cannot escape the closet—and argue that once a person identifies as gay, the ii closet becomes a formative influence on her/his life; a gay person can never live outside of the metaphorical space again, can never live as an out gay person everywhere. I also use a relational perspective to understand how gay identity and the disclosure of this identity implicate others in a gay person’s social network. A relational perspective removes gay identity it from the individualistic realm and situates it among beings-in-interaction. In so doing, the experience of the closet becomes removed from the exclusive burden of the self-contained gay person to one in which coming out becomes a shared responsibility by all individuals involved in a relationship. iii Preface To my supporters, advocates, and friends from Southern Illinois University: Ahmet Atay, Nilanjana Bardhan, Jay Brower, Amy Darnell, Brad Gangnon, Jonny Gray, Chris McRae, Ron Pelias, Sandy Pensoneau-Conway, Amy Pinney, Adrienne Viramontes, John Warren. To my supporters, advocates, and friends from the University of South Florida and Tampa: Wendy Adams, Marielana Bartesaghi, Korrie Bauman, Elizabeth Bell, Laura Bergeron, Robin Boylorn, David Brunnell, Sara Dykins Callahan, Liz Edgecomb, Christine Grogan, Antoine Hardy, Andrew Herrmann, Stacy Holman Jones, Jane Jorgenson, Ashley Kincaid, Yvonne Kline, Linda Levitt, Wren Colker Levitt, Cara Mackie, Sebastian Melo, Derick Miller, Jeanine Minge, Seven Mitchell, Mark Neumann, Mike Nicholas, David Payne, Steve Phalen, Ally Rhodes, Emily Ryalls, Steve Schoen, Rachel Silverman, Fred Steier, Jillian Tullis Owen, Tim Willis. And to my supporters, advocates, and friends in other places: Christopher Birdsong, Craig Rich. To those that keep me organized: Keysha Williams, Sheri Plummer, Anne Copeland. To those that keep me gay-ly sane: Ric Ashcraft, Lucas Mehl, George Garrett, and Lane Thompson. To Nikki Neuman for teaching me how to write. To Lenore Langsdorf for having faith in me. iv To Rachel Dubrofsky for amazing feedback on most all of my work . . . and for keeping me out past my bedtime. To Michael Levan for being a wise mentor and an honest friend. To Keith Berry, who has continued to walk with me through my master’s program, my doctoral program, and whom I hope will continue to walk with me throughout life. To Michael Rome, for being there for me and my mother. You are a blessing. To Ken Cissna for professional guidance and the willingness to support my work. To Charles Guignon for encouraging me to tell my story. To Carolyn Ellis for the blunt-but-compassionate criticism that makes my work grow, for teaching me about ethics, about relating, and for the always-present enthusiasm when talking about my research, enthusiasm that makes me feel smart and worthwhile. To Marcy Chvasta who I first met as an undergraduate at Southern Illinois University (SIU) in 1999, who helped me get into the master’s program at SIU in 2001, who helped me get into this program in 2004, and who provides me with unconditional love and support. I hope I’ll always be your kiddo. To Art Bochner, my guide who never lets me fall, who pushes me to take risks, who cares just as much about my well-being as the work I produce, who calms me when I become an emotional mess, and who teaches me about being a better person. I hope I make you proud. To Brett Aldridge who I miss more and more each day and who makes much of this dissertation possible. And to my mother who keeps me grounded. I hope that I make you proud, too. v Chapter One: Introduction A love story assembled from primary sources A Hallmark card: two white dogs occupy the front, facing each other, trying to interlock jaws. A comic bubble emerges from one of the mouths. “I lick you. I mean, I LIKE you,” it reads followed by an inside inscription of “Okay, both” and a personal message: “Baby, have a happy end of the semester. I love you!! Phish kissee.♥ Brett” **** “Phish kissee”: a term of endearment that Brett and I made after adopting a Beta fish named Alexander, Alexander Prettifish. Brett and I would often exchange fish kisses, an act modeled after what the two of us thought phish kissees would look and feel like. “Kiss-kiss-kiss-kiss-kiss” using cupped, touching mouths would be an adequate linguistic representation. **** A yellow Post-it note posted on my office desk: “Phish Kissee to a boy who has a thesis.” I defended my Master’s thesis today. It included a dedication to Brett: Thank you for your remarkable presence this past year. I hope that, at least in some form or another, you will always remain in my life. And thank you for understanding when it came to my school-related stuff. I may have been busy, but I thought of you often. (Adams, 2003, p. ii) 1 A dedication to me, from Brett, in his Master’s thesis, a project he completed a year after mine, a month after moving away from each other, twenty months before his death. To Tony, my closest friend and unfailing support: who has taught me that love may adapt and evolve in disconcerting ways . . . but may also, from time to time, escape intact, if not quite unscathed. (Aldridge, 2004, p. iii) **** Another note: “Good morning and good morning. Fish kissee and fish kissee.” th A card for my 24 birthday. The front has an image of an ornately dressed Asian woman surrounded by an array of flowers, the inside filled with a personal message: Happy Birthday. I love you and hope you have a good day and year, you dirty old man!! I hope you’ll let me take you out for a birthday dinner tonight or later this week. Have a happy, happy day. Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday to you! etc. etc. ♥ Brett A note posted, again, on my desk: “Hello Tony. I am writing a paper and became afraid that my brain might explode so I thought I’d write you a little note. Here it is. Brett.” Another yellow Post-it: “Thank you darling!!” And another: “Fish kissee.” 2 And another: “Hello from Brett A. Fish kissee. Fish kissee. Fish kissee.” And another: “Darling, I went home. Call me there when you get here.” **** A note with relational code: “Who is a pumpkin?” followed by “Who is?” followed by “Who?” followed by “♥.” While I regretfully forget the origin of “pumpkin,” I remember that it was an intimate term that I’ll never use on or around anyone ever again. “Tony, I am in the Kleinau [theatre], or as the French call it, Le Kleinau,” another note reads. “Come find me and we will have talking. ♥ B” I can tell a lot about a person by the language she or he uses. Brett: Creative, energetic, and bursting with love, note after note after note after note. **** A love story assembled from memory. Brett’s desk is behind mine. Backs facing each other, the two of us exchange comments about his first time teaching and his first time in graduate school and comments about my second year teaching and my second year in the same graduate program. I find Brett fun and attractive but never think I’d like him because I’m insecure (and didn’t think he’d like me) and fear rejection (so I never make the first move). Furthermore, I know that a friend of mine likes him and I don’t want to interfere. I’m also interested in another guy who’s not interested in me, a man I often talk about with Brett, my back-faced colleague. Positioned in this way, I do not see the face of a person I upset with my talk: Brett liked me but never said so; he was insecure and feared rejection; he knew I liked someone else and didn’t want to interfere. 3